When you first arrive here, many of you have done an interweb search for saving your marriage, or how to stop my divorce.
You arrive here broken and bloodied from the bomb dropping, thinking that this is some sort of a bad joke, and you feel like you are living a groundhog day, hoping to awaken from a bad dream that you are having, borderline nightmare that you are living.
Most will think that they haven't said enough, or just one more explanation will help guide you past this simple moment of insanity that your spouse is having. Most will think that it can't happen to me, because we were the perfect couple that our friends said would always be together.
Most will hang on to every word that your spouse says, look at your phone 10,000 times a minute, hoping and yearning for your spouse to call you and say that they didn't mean what they said during the bomb.
You start wondering and asking questions as to why ? where ? when ? how did it come to this ?
Some will have to deal with another person firmly entrenched between you and your spouse. And you will think that if only you could split them apart, that you would get back together and everything will be just fine.
Then, as time goes on, there are some hard truths that start to slowly shine through the madness. You start asking questions, however the questions become different. And hopefully they start to become about you instead of them. Hopefully they become about your own relationship deficiencies instead of what my spouse is doing to me.
It sukcs....BIG TIME....
It's been a hot minute since I sat in a similar place as you, and looked at these boards as a lifeline to what I was going through. The spiraling thoughts, feelings, emotions that we each face when we sit and process things inside of our own head. I would hate to think about how many hours I have spent reading here, yet it was so vital to my growth.
All that being said, what I can tell you is...
YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE !!!!
You will get through this..
You will not only survive, you will thrive after this..
IF.......IF...
The sooner you recognize that IF you are here, reading, posting, that your marriage, as you once knew it, is OVER....dead and gone, the sooner that your healing can start...
You have been released from your position as a spouse, by your partner
That does NOT mean that your next relationship cannot be with your current spouse, it just means that anything down the road will have to be a new relationship, with new skills and tools between you.
Find the "you" that you had lost over the years...
Face the fears that have kept you stuck inside of your own head...
Realize that in most cases, those fears became a goal that you effectively worked toward...
And that for many, (by being here), your worst fear has already come true, and yet here you are, still living and breathing, so please do not waste any more time obsessing over it.
And in time, you will see this as a gift...
And I am aware that you are going to say how hard this is, and how mech ever that I agree with you, I will also tell you that nothing worth doing is ever easy. And that anything that is as important as yourself, should be worth the fight and adversity that you will face through this.
I would not wish this on anyone, however I would not trade what I learned, or who I became through that part of my life.
For now though, please understand that you will get through this....
Eat, sleep, exercise, stop looking at your phone. Stop obsessing about everything little thing that coulda, woulda, shoulda been...
Trust that in time, ALL of your questions will be answered.
In time your questions will change...
In time, the answers won't be as important as they are today...
In time, you will realize that you have had all of the answers inside of you all of this time, you've just been asking the wrong questions.
The purpose of this thread is pretty simple...
Over my time here, there are thousand small cliché sayings that helped me get through some really hard days.
Some made sense when I read them, some made sense a couple days later, and some didn't make sense to me until my thinking changed, and my focus became my growth instead of fixing anything.....
You will never talk your way out of something, that you acted your way into...
Use your anger as a shield, instead of a sword...
Your spouse isn't doing anything TO you, they are doing it FOR themselves. And it you use this time to see yourself more clearly, it can be (and should be) for you...
Your job isn't to facilitate their relationship with your children. Your job is to not destroy their relationship...
There is nothing that you can say right now that will affect your relationship, yet everything that you say right now will affect your relationship
Your fear right now belongs to you. How you handle it, will define your future...
Don't ring any bells that you can't un-ring...
Don't ask any questions that you don't want the answers to...
Stop holding your spouse accountable for your behaviors and actions...
Your marriage vows have nothing to do with your spouse...
The true test of your character happens when you are up against it...
There is a reason that the windshield on a car is so large, and the rearview mirror is so small...
Being a lighthouse in a storm, is much calmer than being a rowboat...
There cannot be a testimony without a test...
Listen without defending, speak without offending...
If you seek to understand, then you will be understood...
Be the memory today, that you want to have tomorrow...
We are all in this together.....alone...
Aim small, miss small...
If you stay in one place too long, you become that place...
Stand, but don't stand still...
MLC takes it's toll, please provide exact change...
I'm sure that there are hundreds of these that escape me. So please add any that have helped you through this...
Some hard questions I've had to ask myself...
Did I really love my spouse ?
Or were we married out of an obligation to each other and our children ?
What is the difference between Love and Obligation ??
Am I the person that I would choose to be in a relationship with ??
Do I blame my spouse for finally taking a stand ??
Can I truly forgive them ??
Can I truly forgive myself ??
What does forgiving them look like to me ??
What does forgiving myself look like to me ??
What do my wedding vows really mean to me ??
My spouse spent __ years holding this relationship together with very little help from me, what gives me the right to be angry about it being my turn ??
Do I really want the hardest thing that I have gone through, to define me as a person ??
Am I willing to sell my soul for this relationship ??
Am I willing to trade my time standing for a chance at a 50th wedding anniversary ?
Also. please know that nothing you are dealing with, or feeling, is permanent.
Everything in life is temporary, and it depends on how we choose to write the ending to our own book.
Thanks, Mach. This list is great. I look forward to reflecting on these statements and questions as I continue to work on my journey. I really appreciate you making the time to create it.
Mach! It's good to see your name pop up on the forum!
It's been years since I've been here but recently decided just to check in.
You said something so poignant to me when I was in the depths of hell that I printed it out and still have to this day. I remember reading it daily in my office at work when I was just trying to stop the bleeding.
I truly appreciate that you took me under your wing when I struggled just to make it through the day.
Welcome back Mach1. Thank you for this and all of your shared wisdom.
Thanks Rock...
I look forward to your answers to some of those questions...
: )
Originally Posted by P
Thanks, Mach. This list is great. I look forward to reflecting on these statements and questions as I continue to work on my journey. I really appreciate you making the time to create it.
Hey P....
Don't think that we've formally met....
Thank you,
And, you are welcome..
Originally Posted by Thornton
Mach! It's good to see your name pop up on the forum!
It's been years since I've been here but recently decided just to check in.
You said something so poignant to me when I was in the depths of hell that I printed it out and still have to this day. I remember reading it daily in my office at work when I was just trying to stop the bleeding.
I truly appreciate that you took me under your wing when I struggled just to make it through the day.
Hope you're doing well my friend.
Thor....
Dude....
Man, I sent you something to your ThorDB account on social media like 10 years ago....
Been wondering about how you are doing. You were one of my guys....
I'm glad that I could be around when you needed it the most.
Do I really want the hardest thing that I have gone through, to define me as a person ??
I have asked myself this question, often. No, I don't, but realistically I wonder how could it not???
I'm not the same person I was 1 second before BD. Honest assessment, I'm a more compassionate, less judgmental and kinder person in a lot of ways. I'm stronger, more resilient and less likely to make excuses for bad behavior. My boundaries may come down harder than necessary at times, which frankly, doesn't bother me nearly as much as it probably should.
So, I guess the way to answer that question is to pose another: what do you mean by define?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
