Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[MrP]

Hey Patt. I want to add to the compliments about how well you continue to manage your situation. Being the lighthouse is tough and you are an absolute role model of how to do it. Thanks for a story that makes me feel happy as I head into the weekend!

I like Steve's idea of changing the C to "change" instead of "crisis". At first, it certainly seems like the person is experiencing (and causing) a crisis. As they near the end of it, if/whenever they do, I'm hopeful it results in an ultimately positive change. Steve suggests not waiting for that day to come. I won't, especially given a fair amount of people seem unable or unwilling to snap out of it.

I hope you won't either. The person you are now is too good for the person he was and is being. If you R, I hope you'll stick to your guns about having the kind of partner and relationship you deserve going forward.

His encouragement for you to date sounds like a bit of guilt or shame related to his proclamation that he plans to date. He chalks his need to do so up to loneliness. I suspect many of us feel lonely and find healthier ways to fill that void until we R, D, or otherwise decide what's next for us WRT relationships (or not).

Keep doing what you're doing. I recognize it remains tough. It really seems spot on for your situation IMHO.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Steve and Mr P and Kind.
Steve you are absolutely 100% right , never wait for them to snap out of it. There is no snapping back. The old person is long dead as is the old marriage. I am more curious who the new version of H is if and when he emerges, and first and foremost I pray it’s the amazing father he once was for those kids. This is a marathon. He will ( hopefully) work his way through this and come out a new person. I know only time will tell if that new person is one I still love and want to rebuild with or not but I am not putting my life on hold waiting for that. I do have faith that he can get himself through.
The old marriage and relationship is long dead. I don’t want that back anyway. I don’t want one filled with the lies and secrets and anger and blame and deceits. I want one full of honesty and trust and no secrets. Any chance H and I may have really needs to rebuild something new. However that’s not what he wants right now.
I agree MRP there is a lot of guilt and shame in his telling me to date. To be honest I don’t even think he means it, but is saying it to relieve his shame. Good luck to him if he thinks dating is going to miraculously make him happy for 5 minutes. He is reliving his youth of being 20 and likely wanting to sleep around and make up for lost time and feel like he is still wanted and still “has it’. It’s very sad as he is almost 50 and acting like an absolute goose but can’t see it. The maturity level in these people who are in this fog is hilariously ridiculous.
As for me I am good. Do I want to date? Not really not right now and to be honest it’s none of his business if I do or don’t. My focus is me, the kids, family and friends and filling my life with joy and happiness( one thing H does not have)

[MrP]

Good for you, Patt. It isn't any of his business if you do or don't date. Ourselves, our kids, family, friends, careers, etc. can bring lots of joy and happiness without requiring that an intimate relationship be in the mix, especially while in the DB process. I'd forgotten how busy I can remain when focusing on these things and how much more meaningful the interactions can be when given more time and attention. It is so wonderful to read about your progress. I wish you much happiness in 2024.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

All crises are change. However, not all changes are crises.

Midlife is change. Absolutely. And for some, being emotionally stunted and ill-equipped to cope with life’s pressures, they enter a crisis. If/when and how/who they exit is in no way guaranteed.

I remember where I was this time last year (weeks after BD) it was pure hell. So anyone new or reading this when everyone on here tells you time helps, it really does. You just need to work on turning the focus on you.

Remember how upset I used to get coming on this board saying how much he’s getting so angry at me and keeps blaming my affair from 10 years ago? And everyone kept saying that’s not the reason. Well you were all RIGHT. Boy did I let his words and deflecting blame destroy me.

he told me he doesn’t love himself, hates who he has become, feels stuck and like a hermit and wants to go find himself and fix his life.

You have clarity. Well done.

You cannot fix him, for you didn’t break him.

It’s pretty crazy to think what MLC is. As far as I can see my H is only about 18months in to his. I have a feeling it’s going to be another year or two before I see him shed this horrible alien.

MLC, the behaviours, the alien, it’s wildly staggering. A horrible thing to befall someone.

My XW is 6.5 years post BD. She is still a vanisher. Shares very very little with the kids. And nothing of importance. She is so secretive. She remains clearly her 18 year old self.

I am here in my safe happy home surrounded with love, with my beautiful kids and lots of family friends and a good year ahead. Who knows how this story will unfold. I’m still being the lighthouse. I just don’t have to see H crazy MLC boat battle the storm anymore.

The future is unwritten and will unfold as it will.

However, we do get to write upon those blank page. And you are writing a very wonderful life.

D

[Sunflyer]

Wonderful to hear an update from you, Pattnee. By now, you have made it through his departure, and of course you would. Lucky us here in the USA; we have him now (lol).

The old marriage and relationship is long dead. I don’t want that back anyway. I don’t want one filled with the lies and secrets and anger and blame and deceits. I want one full of honesty and trust and no secrets. Any chance H and I may have really needs to rebuild something new. However that’s not what he wants right now.

You and he are not just on different pages now, but on different chapters. And yours will be far more enjoyable to read than his.

I agree MRP there is a lot of guilt and shame in his telling me to date. To be honest I don’t even think he means it, but is saying it to relieve his shame. Good luck to him if he thinks dating is going to miraculously make him happy for 5 minutes. He is reliving his youth of being 20 and likely wanting to sleep around and make up for lost time and feel like he is still wanted and still “has it’. It’s very sad as he is almost 50 and acting like an absolute goose but can’t see it. The maturity level in these people who are in this fog is hilariously ridiculous.

You nailed it. My W = same. More cosmetic surgery than she needed to recover from her weight loss and now off with a guy 19 years younger than I am (whose marriage lasted less than five years and is now back to living with his parents presumably due to post-divorce financial fallout). Well...if she thinks this is gold, she is welcome to him.

As for me I am good. Do I want to date? Not really not right now and to be honest it’s none of his business if I do or don’t. My focus is me, the kids, family and friends and filling my life with joy and happiness( one thing H does not have)

Nope, not his business.

Coincidentally, today, I got this from W: "May I ask you a brutally honest question? Are you seeing someone?"

I gave up nothing. Why does she think she is entitled to this information? She hasn't been forthcoming about her AP.

Maybe she has noticed the slimmer guy with the shorter haircut, dressed nicely, and smelling of aftershave who regularly spends more time out of the house? If so, great, but it's not for her. It's for me, and I am liking me more and more every day.

You're doing great, Patt. I like to think your future's so bright, you gotta wear shades!

SF

[Card29]

Hi Pattnee, it was great to hear your report after ~1 year since BD. I wasn't around the board when you went through the worst of yours, but I know what it's like. I hope life is feeling great for you today. I wanted to highlight and agree with one thing, which others have:

I agree MRP there is a lot of guilt and shame in his telling me to date. To be honest I don’t even think he means it, but is saying it to relieve his shame.

You nailed this. My xW(#1) said the same thing to me. I remember posting that here and people told me "she's saying that to justify the affair she's having". I said no way. Eventually found out they were right. It never ceases to amaze me with how many overlaps all of our stories have. I think it's a big reason why this forum is so helpful. While everyone is unique, even the copy-paste "welcome to the board" posts are incredibly helpful because of all of the similarities.

Enjoy your summer. Maybe send some heat back to the US. We're freezing our ___ off up here

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Card so lovely to hear from you and read your update.
Thought I would jump on and give a quick update now that it's been about 3 weeks since H left the country. Initially was a rough few days which I expected with emotions. He left all his stuff behind and took two suitcases of clothes so ive packed stuff up and spread out my clothes and slowly changing the room to be more " me". Kids are still on holidays for another week so we have been BUSY; single parenting is HARD. My family is helping where possible but they are also soooo angry at H that we have had so many fights etc that I am finding it much more peaceful for me to just do things solo; I have my best friend who has been a great ear of support with her husband too. He went though his own depression thing a few years back and she understands a lot about stuff. Plus the hardest part of blocking out all the background noise. I just find it easier to not talk about H and if someone brings him up just deflect. He has been " group messaging" me and the kids daily. Even called me last week after a week and a half just for a chat. Has gotten up early on a few occasions to FaceTime the kids or play online trivial pursuit, but for most the kids are busy so often just don't respond to messages. Typical teens. It's hard being a single parent. Im dealing with teen issues, D14 sneaking out to a party, S12 having friendship issues. But honestly I have just put H in a box and shelved him because it's the easiest way for me to cope while he's not here being a parent. Seems he's befriending a stray neighbourhood cat and freezing his butt off in the current central winter conditions.
How am I mentally/ emotionally? Im ok. I went to my first football training last week and remember that nervous feeling of walking in to something knowing nobody but boy was I embraced. It was great to run around for 1.5 hours too. I realised how much I missed team sport. I grew up playing team sport and even though I still go to the gym, there's something so soothing about being part of the team. Kids and I are good, we are becoming a well oiled machine.Lots of routine in place, taking them away to friends places, doing day trips, going hiking, S12 started boxing, life is generally good. I am so sad for H missing this and these precious moments. However the bond me and the kids are developing is absolutely unbreakable. They are my little rockstars. And we are photographing everything. These memories are priceless. Work and career is nothing. Family is everything,
Its funny a few years back for Mothers day my H gave me a card with this wooden plaque on the front that I removed and stuck on our fridge.
It read "Love is at the heart of our family"
I look at it every day and am so thankful for having my family my kids my babies and so much love in this home- especially while H is freezing his butt off in a foreign city, eating fast food and trying to establish new friends.
Stay tuned ill keep you updated how this story unfolds, but so far as hard as single parenting is, I would never in my wildest dreams trade it for a job on the other side of the world

[Rockon]

Wonderful update Patt. You are killing it! Oh to go out to one of your ARF games!

[Card29]

Pattnee you’re doing great, it’s an inspiration

Stay tuned ill keep you updated how this story unfolds, but so far as hard as single parenting is, I would never in my wildest dreams trade it for a job on the other side of the world

I went for a run with a friend today. He’s going through a midlife crisis of his own right now. Marriage is struggling, 2 young kids. I thought of your H and other situations I’ve read on here in the past. I encouraged him that midlife crises are normal, and the worst ones are when the person in crisis can’t even see the fact that they’re in one (“Pattnee’s H” was flashing in my head). He has been hyper aware of his and has been trying to feel it out and work his way through it. He’s still struggling but he needed to know how ahead of the game he really is.

Anyway, the reason I quoted this is because during the jog, we talked about my situation some. I said something very similar. When talking about controlling what we can control (ourselves), I said I couldnt make either of my xW’s stay, but to this day, it shocks me how suddenly they chose to give up 1/2 of their time with their young child for an escape. I said it would have taken something immense for me to do that. And in your H’s case, the even bigger leap of cutting them out altogether. I can follow the logic of a crisis but have trouble empathizing.

Take care. Btw, I’m screwing up my sleep in order to watch Djokovic try to come back in the AO semis. I always love the tournament. Love seeing people sweat in the heat during the US winter haha

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Card yes it’s such a sad thing isn’t it but I think the biggest thing is your friend knows something isn’t right.
My H blew up his whole world before realising it was all him. His comment we he left was “ I hate who I have become I need to fix myself” and it was so
Amazing when all the blame shifted from being on me to him
Putting it on himself. It’s just sad when there’s collateral damage because not everyone is strong enough or determined enough to push through it to repair all the damage they caused

I hope your friend is ok.

We have actually had a really mild summer here so far so no super hot days for the Open this year. It’s not far from my house but we haven’t gone this year (we usually do as we are in the same city and it’s really an amazing day out.Sinner did so well to win