Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[Pattnee5]

Hi all
Just wanted to jump on here before Christmas madness rolls around and give a quick update(or not real update). One of the best things was finding divorce busting book and this forum in April this year. BD was 11 Dec 2022 so a year on. H moves to America for work on 3rd January so only a few weeks left of him around. Kids don’t seem too phased. I have really dropped the rope and let him go. I’ve left him to whatever higher power or god or whatever is out there and whatever they have in store for this man. Right now I am finding myself again finding my feet and enjoying feeling grounded again. Letting go is hard. I know how all you newbies feel. However if your spouses are in MlC that problem is bigger than you or I or anyone can fix. Since letting go I’ve really detached from H in the sense of not putting pressure on him smothering him saying stuff anything that triggers him. He just triggers himself now and gets mad at himself haha.
I too, was like many, and believed there was no AP but I hate to say it there almost always is. I only recently discovered that he was having an EA or “friendship” as he called it by accidentally coming across something. Last week he even opened up a bit and said “ I have to go and meet that friend for half an hour and get out of that mess. I neeed to end everything she has a lot of issues and I’ve been dragged into that mess”. Turns out she was a “lonely married woman” that I can only assume was an old work colleague. He then got angry for telling me all that. To be honest it didn’t phase me in the slightest. My response was “ my advice to your friend would be to tell her to turn her focus to her own husband and fight for her marriage rather than seeking stuff elsewhere and destroying other people’s lives” he just nodded and told me I was being far to wierd and calm. I actually didn’t even care. I can only imagine the mess he has got himself into. Allowing a lonely married woman into his private life and manipulating ( yep let’s be honest that’s what a lot of women are good at) a weak MLC man to blow up his whole world. Safe to say it’s all on him. His mess, his $hit, good luck to him and his conscious. He’s ramped up the drinking and the whingeing about his age again ( likely because the move is coming up and to Drown out his consience)

Meanwhile I am good. I have a few plans of redecorating when he leaves, will enjoy the extra wardrobe space. Joining a local sporting club in the new year. As a kid I was super sporty and always wanted to play Australian rules football but unfortunately when I was growing up, girls were not allowed to play. Times have changed so I am going to be joining a “masters” team ( over 35s) and looking forward to it. Then I’m just throwing myself into my kids my family my friends. I’ve wasted enough time and energy on H this last year. MLC really suck. Mine has followed the script pretty closely. I would say he’s only 18-20 months in so he’s still got another year or two left if he even manages to grow up and grow through it. I do hope the space and him being on the other side of the world is the kick up the ass he needs but he could also just stay like this way forever. And that’s ok because honestly I’m finally knowing I’m ok now and I have a lot to live for in this life and he isn’t going to be my anchor
Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas
Will keep you updated on post move( I am prepared I will cry but not in front of him)

[SteveLW]

Pattnee, good to see you doing so well. A couple of things stood out to me that can really help newbies.

First, an MLC isn't the good news many LBSs think it is. "Oh, they are in a MLC, so all I have to do is wait it out!" First, I don't like calling it a Mid-life Crisis. It is more likely a Mid-life Change. As in, this new person they have become IS who they are now. I think we like the idea of a crisis because it means that it has an end date. Most, unfortunately, do not.

Second, I love how peaceful you have become through emotional detachment. Your reaction to what he said to you, your feeling about, just everything screams emotional detachment! Even the "His mess, his "stuff", good luck to him...." is all pure emotional detachment. Newies take note: this is what you are striving for.

Great update, Pattnee. Good luck with the ARFB. Sounds fun (even if I never understood that sport as a dumb Yankee!).

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

Wonderful update!

You are so grounded and strong. Very nicely centered and balance. Peaceful.

You are so right about “his mess”. Yep. Breaking up, ending, that “friendship”. There eventually comes a day of reconning. Along with piles and piles of drama and stress. You handled it all great by the way.

I would say he’s only 18-20 months in so he’s still got another year or two left if he even manages to grow up and grow through it. I do hope the space and him being on the other side of the world is the kick up the ass he needs but he could also just stay like this way forever.

A crisis is as individual as each person. The length of their journey depends upon so many factors - their torments, the severity, their assigned severity, their upbringing, their predisposition to hide, lie, and bury things or face them head on, and so on. Some can traverse it in a few years and some are lost for a long long time. In the end, it’s his crisis and you (thankfully) were not invited.

I do wonder if H will continue his clingy boomerang behaviour over such distance and time zones. Or how he will try to. Kind of difficult to bring an apology coffee after a night of angry drinking from the other side of the globe. Not that it matters, just curious is all.

You’ve so got this Patt. Keep living and loving your life.

Wishing you and your’s a Merry Christmas and a blessed new year.

D

[Sunflyer]

Hey Pattnee:

Thanks for the response in my thread. Figured I'd check out your update too.

Letting go is hard. I know how all you newbies feel. However if your spouses are in MlC that problem is bigger than you or I or anyone can fix. Since letting go I’ve really detached from H in the sense of not putting pressure on him smothering him saying stuff anything that triggers him. He just triggers himself now and gets mad at himself haha.

It surely is hard. But a time comes when we realize that what the spouse is doing goes far beyond any reasoned response to our own failings. They're in a maelstrom, and we have to get out of the way while they spin within it. As I've said before, I don't know if mine is in MLC, but even if not, she's a mess regardless.

I too, was like many, and believed there was no AP but I hate to say it there almost always is.

Yep. That was a hard 180 to make, but I had to realize that no one is above suspicion. Even--maybe especially--the ones that speak out loudest against APs (like my W).

He’s ramped up the drinking and the whingeing about his age again ( likely because the move is coming up and to Drown out his consience)

Well, no drinking here, but the whingeing about age... I've been hearing that for years! Parting her hair to show me the gray coming in and then running out to get it dyed (like I'm supposed to believe this is the end of the world). Complaints about her sagging breasts and flabby arms (taken care of with cosmetic surgery this year). Now she's got a new body, new men in her life, and at the same time, out the window goes the dependable H!

[By the way, this H is 59, doesn't mind his gray hair (which is still not complete), has dropped 18 pounds in the last six months, has skin that looks like it did in his 30s (clean living, avoiding lots of sun exposure). Yes, the aging signs are creeping in, but I don't need cosmetic surgery to make me feel good about myself. I am pretty "well preserved," I think!]

Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas
Will keep you updated on post move( I am prepared I will cry but not in front of him)

Enjoy the holidays, Pattnee. You are an endless inspiration to me.
That day will be tough, I'm sure, but if anyone is prepared to handle it, it is you.

[Kind18]

he just nodded and told me I was being far to wierd and calm. I actually didn’t even care. I can only imagine the mess he has got himself into.

Oh Pattnee, you’re an absolute rock star 🤩. Your transformation has been remarkable. Sure, things are still difficult from time to time, but your self-confidence, objectivity, maturity and acceptance sets an example for every newbie who arrives here.

I expect now that you’re learning your own self worth, by the time he goes to the US and sees the mistake he’s made, it may well be too late.

Have you thought how you’re going to deal with your personal life once he’s gone? Someone like you is going to get noticed by men very quickly (if they haven’t started already) and I expect you’ll need a solid plan in place to avoid that temptation if saving your marriage is still what you really want. Better to have a plan sorted on how you’ll deal with that before he tries to run away from his demons by disappearing overseas.

Perhaps talking to your IC about how you’ll deal with it, and whether perhaps some sort of time limit on saving your marriage is your line in the sand - because truth be told, you won’t and shouldn’t live in limbo perpetually.

If you decide to go down R2C’s route of practicing harmless flirting, hanging out with men, reinventing yourself from an attractiveness point of view, you’ll need to have some good boundaries in place until you make your final decision about your husband.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks for touching base everyone 🙂you all truly saved me in 2023 and I don’t know where I would be without you all and DB.

Firstly Steve is absolutely right. MLC is certainly more a transformation. A transformation of two people really. The LbS and the WAS. I know, however , what version of myself I am transforming into and it’s a pretty darn good one. As for H, nobody knows if and when he will emerge out of this and what version he will become. It’s a bit of a shame he won’t be around in the sense that people mirror eachother and I certainly could be a good influence on him, but maybe a higher power really has other options for him to dig deep and really grow up. What I have learnt from all of this is 1) I am not to blame no matter how much he tried to blame me 2) he has some serious childhood/parental issues and expectation that I have no idea about. 3) time. It takes a tonne of time and I’m not invited

DnJ: so in as far as the anger the boomerang etc. it’s funny because since I dropped the rope I no longer pester or provoke him and just leave him be, the angry drunk outbursts have disappeared. It’s almost been replaced at times with slightly happy drunk moments or just no drinking at all. A lot of anger has disappeared. A lot of apology coffees etc. I never realised just how much I was indirectly poking him by just being even slightly focused on him. As for him ending the EA or friendship or whatever it was, I can just see him carrying a weight of guilt and shame. Who wouldn’t when they got sucked into an emotional connection with a married woman and then realises that “she’s a mess” and really let’s be honest he got manipulated and played to destroy his world. Regardless, his mess he has to clean up.

Sun, I’m so glad you’re doing well. I think what we can both conclude is we are people with a lot of self respect and self love. Our spouses are people that have none of either and very low self esteem issues. The cosmetic surgery alone tells you tonnes about her headspace. Her confidence would be shot to pieces. Plastic and fake bits eventually break and have a shelf life 😂

Kind, you truly gave me some hard words so I couldn’t be where I am without all the vets harsh lessons. You were right all along. All of you. There was an AP of some sort, and I am not to blame ( even what happened in the past many many years ago-H was shifting and projecting all his guilt on me) brutal.
I have thought about the dating/other men scene. It’s only human nature right? You miss intimacy and contact. I still love H unconditionally but have to and will let him go. He gets boxed up and shelved. As for me and dating? Honestly right now I am not in any of that frame of mind. I want to go and have fun with my life, with my kids, just regroup really. This year has emotionally drained me. Will I go on dates? Likely yes, eventually. I love R2C route. It’s honestly great way to build confidence, test out the new version of yourself. I’m an in no way shape or form ready for that now thought. I want to focus on me more( without H around) and focus on the kids. I want to have fun and love life without the dependency of a man at the moment. And I completely agree. I am not putting my life on hold for any man. I’m moving forward I am going to continue to live every day to the fullest. If H ever decides to get his head out of his own a$$ long enough to want to rejoin my party, well at least I’ll be in a great place and really can look at if that’s still what I want. There’s no limbo here and there’s no waiting for anyone.

[MA1970]

Hey Pattnee, great update. I popped on to do the same but got distracted by catching up with everyone. I'll post soon though. I can only reiterate what the other wiser peeps have said. You are an inspiration & lay out the basic tenets to having your own success in surviving the mlc journey (which continues to be endless my end!).

I hope you and the kids have a wonderful calm Christmas with lots of family festivity & new traditions. Sending love to you ❤️

[Pattnee5]

UPDATE TIME:
Happy new year all. Wow what a difference a year makes I remember where I was this time last year (weeks after BD) it was pure hell. So anyone new or reading this when everyone on here tells you time helps, it really does. You just need to work on turning the focus on you.
The last few weeks have been busy and a bit up and down on emotions (more for H not me)
He has decided to move to the other side of the world for a job.

A few things have since come to light:
-our D14 had busted him with Instagram messages from women (mind you he doesn’t have Instagram or so we both thought) no digging up from there

-he had a few R talks with me the days before he left I just listened and validated. The mind of a MLC is truly sad. He says he doesn’t love himself, he hates who he has become and feels Covid lockdowns and working from home ruined him.

-he told me on his own that he had in fact been unfaithful to me and cheated on me “ a few years ago” so pre BD. I have pin pointed it was around March or Feb of 2022 and prob on a work trip. I don’t know if that can trigger a MlC but I reckon it certainly played a factor. He had a mini meltdown crying in my arms saying how much he hated his work etc in April 2022 and then after that was when he really spiralled into MLC land with the anger and the verbal abuse at me. Remember how upset I used to get coming on this board saying how much he’s getting so angry at me and keeps blaming my affair from 10 years ago? And everyone kept saying that’s not the reason. Well you were all RIGHT. Boy did I let his words and deflecting blame destroy me.

-he told me he doesn’t love himself, hates who he has become, feels stuck and like a hermit and wants to go find himself and fix his life. Told me he doesn’t want me to be lonely and I should date people because he will too. Also told me he is starting to pray again for himself and for me and the kids (he used to be Christian then went atheist for 20 years). Mentions some issues with his family/childhood but nothing major.

So now he is gone. Said goodbye gave him a hug wished him luck x he was so anxious and hyperactive almost leading up to the day. It’s so sad. I think he’s still in the tunnel bad (maybe with glimpses of realizing he has issues).

As for me it was emotional. I am ok thought I have my time to cry but I have been keeping the kids busy and spending lots of time with friends.its bad when you start to overthink scenarios but as far as I’m concerned he’s on the other side of the world with nobody and nothing and I am here in my safe happy home surrounded with love, with my beautiful kids and lots of family friends and a good year ahead. Who knows how this story will unfold. I’m still being the lighthouse. I just don’t have to see H crazy MLC boat battle the storm anymore.

It’s pretty crazy to think what MLC is. As far as I can see my H is only about 18months in to his. I have a feeling it’s going to be another year or two before I see him shed this horrible alien.

[Kind18]

Hugs Pattnee. It must have been so hard watching him get on that plane, it must have felt like the closing the book on the biggest chapter in your life.

You’re an absolute boss 😎

Him getting on that plane is something he was always going to do in one form or another (running away from his self loathing) and when this MLC kicked off, his trajectory was totally out of your control.

He hates himself, but you loved him unconditionally and upheld your end of the bargain. That’s something you should be proud of.

Time to get busy living.

[SteveLW]

-he told me on his own that he had in fact been unfaithful to me and cheated on me “ a few years ago” so pre BD. I have pin pointed it was around March or Feb of 2022 and prob on a work trip. I don’t know if that can trigger a MlC but I reckon it certainly played a factor. He had a mini meltdown crying in my arms saying how much he hated his work etc in April 2022 and then after that was when he really spiralled into MLC land with the anger and the verbal abuse at me. Remember how upset I used to get coming on this board saying how much he’s getting so angry at me and keeps blaming my AFfair from 10 years ago? And everyone kept saying that’s not the reason. Well you were all RIGHt. Boy did I let his words and deflecting blame destroy me.

This part really leaped out at me. Likely the AP ended things and that was why he was so upset. In both of my situations, when my wife's EAs ended I saw her mourn. It was rough knowing the second time that she was mourning the loss of another man in her life. The first time I saw it as grief for what she had done, until I found an email to some friends of hers explaining how sad she was at the loss of the EAP.

As far as how long he has left in MLC, I often tell people that the C in MLC should be for Change, not for Crisis. Sometimes people never go back to who they were before. So my hope is for you that deep down you're not still expecting that he'll magically snap out of it someday. It could happen but you can't wait for that. I see a lot of LBSs of MLC WASs just stuck waiting for that day to come. Please don't, keep moving your life forward.