Rock, I appreciate the fact you keep coming back, I respect that honestly. I'm not really this much of an a-hole I promise. I'm trying to shock you out of this sir. Get you out of your comfort zone. There's a comfortable town that exists in everyones world. It's call Rut. Alot of people get stuck there and can't get out.
Your kids need more support Rock, and you can't give it to them while you are this stuck. I know this from first hand experience.
The truth is a lot of marriages can't be saved. This isn't a magic bullet, but what DB will do is allow you to save yourself. Once you've saved yourself, became the man you should have been, the idea is that attracts your wife back into the fold.
You marriage is over Rock, I'm not saying there can't be a 2nd chance with your wife, but I am saying the old marriage, the old ways, they are over, and they should be, as that's what got you here in the first place.
Lets try this...and be 100% honest. What exactly do you need? Do you need more aggressive call outs? More supportive calls out? Are you goals still the same?
What can we do to ensure you start moving forward? I've been where you are sir. I've been straight up broken as a man, a person, a father and husband, but I made it to the other side. I put myself back together better than ever and have learn so much. What can we do to get you to our side of the river?
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Thank you Joseph I believe you and respect the road you have walked and the man I understand you to be. I am trying really hard and not getting there. I know DnJ aka Yoda will say do or do not. So that’s where I need to focus - to discern my path and follow through on the steps to get there.
Believe me I am tempted to throw in the towel say f it get a gf go on a big vacay myself and forget about my responsibilities. I know that’s not right for me. But also staying stuck in a rut and getting rag dolled emotionally is not right for me. Being nice without strong boundaries and action is not good for me nor my family.
My goals right now: Be strong and healthy for me and for my family including kids, grandkid, my parents. That includes getting back to work well. I have been following all the steps, am on track, and I understand so much more now about how to do this and what I need to do to be well in my profession. I excelled in my career until I became unwell and couldn’t go on. That includes getting support for my kids as you have pointed out. That includes taking good care of my home which I have been doing.
Healthy boundaries with W and her family. That means space to me. And not making rash missteps and decisions based upon my feelings.
Community, friendships, being a healthy mature single man who happens to be separated from a M that is over. Not dating.
From this group, I wouldn’t really change a thing. I value the time and thought you all put into this space and to me. I would prefer you don’t pull punches. What I really need is honesty and compassion and I keep coming back for more of that.
My mind does struggle with understanding and implementing DB to be sure. It is counterintuitive in some ways and these things are not openly talked about in the circles that I come from.
I struggle with the concept of no R talks. Sometimes on these boards I will lose a question. Or dilemma to the group “knowing” the DB answer but still wrestling with it. As F2C said, come here and run it past us first. I have actually not been having R talks. Yes there was that time I accepted a “date” with W about a month ago and she initiated a big talk. I listened validated and STFU. And it took a big toll on me.
My mind goes to a place of if we don’t talk through and deal with stuff am I just being stuck stubborn and cowardice? Would a 180 be to face fears and talk it through and make some steps in a direction- any direction without ultimatum or pressure?
I don’t know. I think she would perceive it as pressure and a reason to escalate things. It seems to me that I need to act rather than talk.
I recognize that we are not at a place of working on the M. And I think I am closer to what Kind and R2C have just posed to Peter Pan.
In your defense you are getting conflicting advice.
Just more options on the choices one can make. What worked for one person can backfire for another, and vise-versa. Each of us have to evaluate the choices, make a decision, and live with consequences of that choice.
Waiting is a good first option. But that should have a time frame. For one person, that might be a month. For another, 6 months. Some 1 year. While waiting, you focus on making positive change to yourself. One change at a time. My changes are different than another persons changes. But, most of us that arrive here have common issues that should be addressed.
On the other hand, waiting looses respect and does not increase attraction. It also allows cake eating.
Some here will tell you to go left, while others will tell you to go right. I believe you should have the skills to go completely left, completely right, or anyplace in between, and immediately change as needed. Do this in all areas. Just don't go in circles. That doesn't work.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Rock, you realize it's ok to be selfish every once in a while right? Even god took a day off my friend. You always mention the community, friends, and family, these are all good things.
You know what's better every once in a while? Me, my motorcycle, my JBL clip on the handle bars, phone mounted for emergency's, rescue kit in back pack and the I'm taking an F it day attitude. 100% serious, I never felt better than I did after a 2 or 3 hour ride. I saw roads and scenery for the first time after "driving" on them for 20 years. I appreciated the beauty of the world around me on a level I never would have prior. I don't live in a city, so there are plenty of back roads around me that I have absolutely screamed my lungs out on at 60ish MPH as well.
You know what was also healing for me...me, my brother, 2 shotguns and a picnic table that was recently replaced that needed to be "chopped" up for the fire. That was a very good day.
I'm not saying these things are for you, but you know what they did for me? Gave me my outlet, Rock, find your outlet, get your self respect back, and take care of yourself.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
You know what's better every once in a while? Me, my motorcycle...I have absolutely screamed my lungs out on at 60ish MPH as well. ....find your outlet, get your self respect back, and take care of yourself.
While riding, I would stop at every bar I came across, I would order a water. I would focus on remembering peoples names and their story. I would make every interaction about them. I would practice all my listening skills. I would people watch. Notice how the guys were behaving. How the ladies were behaving. How they would interact. Listen to two ladies talk behind me and taking note of HOW they talked, NOT WHAT they were talking about.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You know what's better every once in a while? Me, my motorcycle...I have absolutely screamed my lungs out on at 60ish MPH as well. ....find your outlet, get your self respect back, and take care of yourself.
While riding, I would stop at every bar I came across, I would order a water. I would focus on remembering peoples names and their story. I would make every interaction about them. I would practice all my listening skills. I would people watch. Notice how the guys were behaving. How the ladies were behaving. How they would interact. Listen to two ladies talk behind me and taking note of HOW they talked, NOT WHAT they were talking about.
Me? I went to the gym. Smashed that sucker once, sometimes twice daily.
And I renovated the house. Granted, that was easy because I was unemployed due to COVID BS. I only made a modest profit, because once the house was renovated, it was sold and I only got 30% or so of the profit.
But it didn’t matter.
It gave me purpose, direction, a reason for getting up. It meant time spent with my brother, my father and friends.
And the gym gave me my sleep back. It wasn’t an overnight cure to rumination or my mind tearing itself to pieces trying to think my way out of things… it meant that by the time I got in to bed, I was so physically exhausted that I would actually fall asleep and get 6-8 hours.
That made a huge difference to my mental health and mindset.
Go ride a motorbike. Go to the gym. Go chop some firewood. Buy a dog.
Do SOMETHING!!!
From you last few posts I’m starting to peer back in, and wondering if you’re finally starting to turn the corner after twelve months.
Caveat on the rest of my post: Sorry to be blunt and rather morbid… but then I’m not known around here for being gentle 🤣 And like Neffer, maybe rattling your tree will help you.
The average life expectancy of a man in the USA is 73. For some perspective: - if you’re mid forties, you have less than 30 years left. Maybe 28 years until you’re in the ground Rock - if you’re 53 or older, you have less than 20 years left. Let that sink in. Remember how on your 21st birthday you felt like you had grown up and made it to adulthood - if you’re mid fifties, you have less than that time it took you to make 21 left to go - even if you’re only 37 years old - you are more than half way through your life.
Think on that for a minute. It’s incredibly sobering.
You’ve just wasted a whole year of your last 20-30 years pining after a, frankly, sick and twisted woman and your dysfunctional relationship together.
Do you think perhaps now, it’s time to let that go and get on with living your life?
If she comes back in 5-10 years well so be it… but I wouldn’t be throwing away what’s left pining for something that is very unlikely to happen (and which sounds toxic anyway).
Time to make some choices.
Alternatively, you could come and live in Australia. Here the male life expectancy is 81 years. And if we all wore sunscreen to prevent melanoma, it would probably jump to 85. That would give you an extra ten years 🤣🤣🤣
