It’s good that you spoke, and he got some stuff off his chest.
But that’s it, you should go back to radio silence.
Remember what MWD says, whatever isn’t working - stop it, and whatever is working, keep doing it.
You being complete radio silence has worked because he’s finally started to look inside and realised he is unhappy and unable to make himself feel happy. He cried. He owned his drinking issues.
The mistake most make at this stage is to start engaging with them too much, one good phone call and then ringing them and trying to fix them and make it better.
Silence is working - so continue the silence. You listened, acknowledged he feels rubbish, and that’s the end of it. He needs more time in the oven to keep simmering away.
Also, your fear that this was going to be a divorce talk is a good lesson for everyone around here. DNJ, as usual, was right. LBS are driven by fear of the unknown. They always tend towards worst possibilities and outcomes. Next time you’re afraid of something, remember what just happened. Yes, it might be bad… but most likely, you’re overthinking it and everything will work out okay.
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I'm going to give myself some time to settle down before I think about next steps.
It’s excellent that you’re going to take time and think on things. We never want emotions controlling our thoughts and behaviour.
Next steps? What next steps? You don’t have to DO anything 🤷♂️ He’s thinking, you listened. That’s the end of it! I don’t know why LBS think they have to act on every conversation.
This is where GAL is super important. You can worry less about what you should do or say, or what he is thinking or doing - because you should be busy getting fit, doing hobbies, reading books and living life to the full. We only get 80 laps around the sun Marching… best not to waste it waiting for him to decide what he wants.
Well done with the conversation. You let H lead and express himself. Nothing he said was even disrespectful or boundary-worthy.
Originally Posted by marching
He goes to bed and wakes up early. He doesn't know how to fill his time. He sounded pretty miserable. Once again, he told me he's "just trying to get by." He's going to therapy and he stopped drinking. He realized that he has a habit of avoiding his problems.
Yes, depression and miserable are apparent.
It is interesting, and a positive thing, that he mentioned therapy; his over drinking; his stopping of drinking; and his habit of avoiding problems. As Kind wisely said, do not try to fix him.
If you notice, H didn’t ask for help. Well done just listening and validating.
I suspect H was also somewhat testing the waters with you. It’s been four months since speaking with you, and he didn’t come at you with divorce talk.
Continue doing what you’re doing. Live your life, decorate your home, and so on. Let H simmer away. He needs his depression and inner looking to find what is bothering him. From the conversation, he might even realize that it’s not you. So, do not place a target upon yourself.
Originally Posted by marching
He misses me. That much is clear from the conversation. I dare not read much more into it. He hasn't said anything about R.
Remember H’s path is currently driven by his emotions. Today he might feel differently.
Do keep your expectations dialled down to zero. You are wise not to read too much into what he said; look to his behaviours and only half of those.
And continue with no R talks. H didn’t bring up D or R, so follow suit. Let him bring that up first, and when he does be a non-fixer about it.
Originally Posted by marching
I'm only really starting to process my emotions from this call. I hadn't heard his voice in four months. The call reminded me of old times. I'm sad. I'm also angry and even a little bit disgusted by him.
I'm going to give myself some time to settle down before I think about next steps.
Yes, you will have some emotions to process. Feel them, acknowledge them, and let them flit.
You have received some validating feedback/proof of H moving in the right direction. His path is slow, no need to watch it too intently.
Your next steps are like before. Keep doing what you’re doing.
How is your health issue? Is it under control? Being managed?
Hope you have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for the feedback. I'm going to respond and post a more detailed update later, but for now I just want to share a huge development.
Wow. H said he wanted to talk again. So we did. And he says he doesn't want to D. We will not D. He realizes that he's been unstable though and is worried that he won't be able to change. We're going to talk more. I am not bringing up MC just yet. I want to give him the chance to bring it up himself.
He said a big turning point for him was late December, when I told him I'd be moving back to Country A. All the advice here on the importance of moving forward and GAL is spot on. He saw that I was going to live my life without him. In our (limited) interactions since then, he saw that I was doing great while he was miserable. It was amazing how much his words aligned with what we talk about here. He was unhappy and thought that not having me in his life would solve his problems. And then he realized the grass wasn't greener. He dated several people but couldn't forget about me. He was even more unhappy without me. He missed me constantly. He never stopped loving me. He regrets everything. He's so sorry.
I know there is a long road ahead. There's a lot to process. There are no guarantees. But I have a good feeling about this. He said a lot of things that showed me he's willing to do some hard work. Whatever happens, I know I am strong and that I will be awesome no matter what.
Think of your next steps like investing. If you go for the quick pay off here, you’re going to end up with nothing.
Every bit of time and effort you invest now in doing this slowly and carefully, will pay dividends for many years to come.
The veterans are totally right here. There’s a hell of a lot of personal development he needs to do before this is going to be okay. You need to tread carefully and slowly, and allow those things to be identified and acknowledged and repaired.
You need to cross back over the river from the divorce side to the marriage side. Currently, there’s a single strand of cotton as a bridge. Before you put too much weight on it, maybe build a strong bridge using concrete and steel.
And know that he has to do the majority of the building works himself. You can’t do it for him.
And know that he has to do the majority of the building works himself. You can’t do it for him.
Words are just words. You want to see him taking action. Observe his behavior. Be skeptical. Treat him like a squirrel. No sudden movements from you. This will take some time.
One phrase that sticks in my mind is "It is not that easy anymore"... IE your response for him to just come back without doing the real work.
Working on your personal growth is still important. Enjoying your "free time" is also important.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Marching, I hope you are doing Ok. Reading your posts was very helpful for me in the past months and encouraged me to start posting here as well. It’s been helpful and I thank you for that.
So, do not place a target upon yourself.