Letting Go

[Drh2001]

Link to my previous thread

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2918125



I haven't updated in a while.

I am newly divorce and dad to two teenage girls. They live with me during the school week and their mother has them for long weekends.

The oldest one only sees her mom one day a week, sometimes she'll come back the same day. She has a bf and is in therapy. Youngest daughter sees her mom the full weekend and is also in therapy.


My ex W is very wayward.

One of the thing she was supposed to do was get life insurance as part of the marital settlement agreement. After two years I discovered she had not done this. First she said she didn't have to. then she said it wasn't in the D papers. When I showed her a screenshot she said she didn't read it. It's at the top of the page.

She said she'd "look into it" and this went on for weeks. Finally I called my lawyer and asked for his advice. He said give her a deadline which I did. She didn't like it. She is having financial problems (despite working full time and living with OM and his kids).

I told her looking into it isn't enough. I need you to do this. It's for the kids and protects the child support you give me. Then she started to get nasty and said she was working on it but wasn't going to give me the paperwork and I'd have to get my lawyer to ask for it. She asked me for a copy of my policy which I provided then when she finally got her policy last month all I got was the policy number in a text.

As if that wasn't enough I feel she is trying to emotionally blackmail me. She chose to move to a nearby state when OM sold up last year and moved to and now she is realizing she doesn't have the kids that much. She feels my youngest daughter would be better off living with her but the divorce papers say both kids will live with me in the marital home and go to the same school.

We have 50/50 custody but in reality I get much more than this because of her choice as to where she lives and works.

I do the school run, take them to their medical apts and I got them in therapy. My name is on all the documents. She has done barely anything.

She tells me to lose my attachment to my daughter while at the same time telling me my youngest daughter "needs her mommy more." I'm then told "if I loved her that much I'd at least try" to let my daughter live with her and "I've never heard of a father keeping his kids from their mother if that's what they want."

My kids have never asked to go live with her. My youngest has ADHD and I recently got her setup with a 504 plan in school. She has social anxiety and no friends.

If she were to go to live with her mother she'd have to start all over again in a new school and she has no friends where her mother lives and doesn't interact with OM's kids. She stays in her bedroom most of the time and plays on her devices. When she's with me she has everything she needs.

I am concerned that exW might try to influence her to leave me and go live with her.

In the three years she left me she has shown zero remorse for her actions and is even more resentful that I have the kids more.


I got to thinking about why she left me to organize therapy for them and I wondered if it's because she would have to tell the therapists that she was responsible for this mess and her affair. Is that a reasonable conclusion because it would make her look bad.

[Drh2001]

I went to edit the post and it timed out.

For the letting go part I have completely detached emotionally.

I don't see WW at all - she comes to get the kids then brings them back. I only communicate through gmail calendar. The other app was too much of a temptation since it had IM capability. Now that I've removed that app I'm more at peace.

[BL42]

Drh2001,

Good to hear from you. I remember your sitch well. ExW seemed a bit crazy to move across state lines and so far away. I remember thinking and probably commented that she'd really end up on the losing end of the relationship with your girls, especially with them being in activities and having friends...etc. They weren't going to want to be so far away. I'm sure it's draining handling all the day to day but it'll be rewarding. Your girls will know the man their father truly is and appreciate it.

Glad you have both girls in therapy. They'll need it with their mother abandoning them and going to live out of state with OM and his 3 kids - she's there more for them than her own, no doubt.

One of the thing she was supposed to do was get life insurance as part of the marital settlement agreement.

You're completely justified in enforcing the D agreement, but wonder if a life insurance policy is worth fighting over? Your girls only have a few more custodial years left and what are the odds that ExW dies? So it seems like more than likely it'd be a non-factor? I don't know. Maybe I'm missing something, but not sure it's worth your aggravation.

It's for the kids and protects the child support you give me.

We have 50/50 custody but in reality I get much more than this because of her choice as to where she lives and works.

Does ExW make more than you? If it's technically 50/50 why are you receiving child support? Granted, probably deserved because it sounds like you're providing the vast majority of effective custody and majority of heavy lifting.

As if that wasn't enough I feel she is trying to emotionally blackmail me. She chose to move to a nearby state when OM sold up last year and moved to and now she is realizing she doesn't have the kids that much. She feels my youngest daughter would be better off living with her but the divorce papers say both kids will live with me in the marital home and go to the same school.

I would no agree to having your daughter move in with ExW if I were you. They're in their home base, in the school they're familiar with, and have a stable dad providing care. Stand up and enforce the D agreement here. Do lot let her take your daughter out of state. Who knows what will come up with ExW, OM, and the other kids in that situation.

That said, your girls must be getting close to 18 right? The time will come quickly when they'll be choosing for themselves so just be ready and accepting of their choices when it's time.

I do the school run, take them to their medical apts and I got them in therapy. My name is on all the documents. She has done barely anything.

Good for you for being the girls' rock.

I'm then told "if I loved her that much I'd at least try" to let my daughter live with her and "I've never heard of a father keeping his kids from their mother if that's what they want."

What BS. She moved away from her daughters! She's not thinking of what is best for them - she's thinking of what's best for her. Let those comments roll off you.

I am concerned that exW might try to influence her to leave me and go live with her.

She may. Like I said above your girls are almost out of high school. You'll have to accept what they decide. Keep being the best dad you can be. Though you might have periods where they go to W more at some point and it might hurt, and deep know they'll know who was there for them and will appreciate you for it.

In the three years she left me she has shown zero remorse for her actions

Seems pretty common around here.

and is even more resentful that I have the kids more.

She only has herself to blame for that. So naturally she's projecting it onto you.

I don't see WW at all - she comes to get the kids then brings them back. I only communicate through gmail calendar. The other app was too much of a temptation since it had IM capability. Now that I've removed that app I'm more at peace.

Good. I think that's prudent.

For the letting go part I have completely detached emotionally.

Are you? Maybe I'm wrong, but get the sense of some real bitterness and anger towards ExW in your post still. Which is completely justified based on her treatment of you, but you'll need to work through and process to get over it yourself...for your own good. Are you in IC?

[Jq25]

1. WoW amazing that both girls are with you. Be the best Rock you can be
2. It’s strange that mum of two let go of two of her kids to be mum for OM kids, I am not surprised!
3. I think soon she will realise what she have done ✅, pink coloured glasses will come off eventually and AP/OM is usually not an upgrade. Both of them are “damaged goods”. You are doing great I will get there eventually too.

[SteveLW]

Drh, just stay the course. I believe that people do what they want. IF she really wanted to see her kids she would make that happen. She is playing the classic WW victim game. Doesn't lift a finger with the kids, then blames you because she doesn't see her kids. I would just continue working on detachment.

As far as your kids, kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. You girls knows that going to live with mom would be a disaster. They may never say that in words, but their actions, staying with you, show it. I wouldn't worry all that much about them getting manipulated by your wife. I think it is mostly your wife just spewing excuse for being a horrible mother.

Drh, you are doing great. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are the girls' rock. Keep being that!

[Drh2001]

Not very good at replying to quotes so I'll do my best here...

BL42,

Thanks for reply and encouragement. Yes, there is still some anger on my part as the anniversary of her moving out recently passed (Dec 2020). She admitted in an email to me that leaving the family during the holidays and moving in with OM was a shitty thing to do. Didn't get an apology though and not expecting one.

I know I have to move on and I'm doing so in my own way. Admittedly the process hasn't gone as smoothly as I had hoped but little by little I'm getting there.

One of the things WW said that irritates me is telling me to "move on" which is really so she can move on because then she doesn't have to be reminded of what she's done and how she's trampled over the kids for OM.

After BD I blocked her on social media, blocked her number and email. We had an app that allowed for calendar scheduling and also IM but it still allowed communication and I admit I would send her truth darts. That has all stopped now and I use my student email which I don't always check so out of sight out of mind. The girls have their own phones and the school and drs have WW contact info. There really is no reason for me to contact her at all and child expenses are done over Venmo.


The life insurance thing is also for college and my eldest starts next year. It's a backup in case anything happens.

Re: her moving away, she lives about 40 mins from me in another state and you have to cross a toll bridge to get there. She chose to get a job near where she lives so she doesn't get to my house on a Friday at 4pm anymore to pick up the girls - it's now after 6pm. These are all natural consequences of her own making - I had no role here.

I did have pastoral counseling and attended a divorce workshop hosted by a church but I only attended the last two sessions as I didn't know about it till then.


Jq25,

Thanks for reply. Yes, NJ is considered a "mom state" as I've been told by a couple of people so it's unusual for a dad to be primary caregiver. I feel blesses to have them and be able to do the school run, take them to their apts etc. It's not always a breeze, there are ups and downs as their both teens and often fight with each other or me but it's getting better.


SteveLW,

We've talked a few times on this forum and you've given me a 2x4 on some occasions which I thank you for. Thanks for the encouragement.

Yes, she is playing the victim game.

Here's a choice few comments she sent me - I've put them altogether here.

"Do you think it was easy for me not to have them more often? You're holding onto her for you. She has me here. Do you think I hold no value to her? What if you asked her? What if you gave her the option? Put aside those attachments and ask her if she'd rather live with me. What if it's me she needs?"

I'm not going there with her. Why would I want to lose a natural attachment to my daughter and in raising her, just so she could live with her mother? they have the state run CHIP plan and she'd lose that moving in with her and PA doesn't have a generous CHIP plan. She wouldn't qualify as she'd have to list the household income which would include OM's income.

She'll send me links to different programs and resources, which is helpful, but again, as you said, she doesn't lift a finger to actually get them in a program. I've had to do all of this, which requires time away from work, traveling to different drs, virutal appointments, visits with the high school guidance counselor. It's exhausting.

She isn't a bad mother and she isn't abusive to them. I want to make that clear. She has always worked. But she is a mother who has made terrible choices and she knows this but stubborn pride stops her from recognizing the reality of what she has done.


When I first got the BD I didn't react well. I think very few LBHs do. We're overcome with emotion, decisions we're not ready to take, and seeing the break up of our family.

Not to mention when she introduced the kids to OM, she was still living with me in an IHS which doesn't work for anyone. Then less than three months later she moved in with him and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I could have filed a RS order but it would have cost me a lot, we had just finished mediation and it wouldn't have stopped her down the line.

So for short term pain, I had long term gain. No alimony whatsoever and we've been married 18 years. It even says on the D paperwork that WW will move in with a significant other and that wasn't me. There is no formal child support - we have a shared arrangement and split the costs.

She's made some terrible choices and people are dealing with the fallout including her own family. They don't know what to make of her.

Obviously, I don't invite her family to come visit and since BD she hasn't been to see any of her family except her sister and my kids are growing up not seeing family at all unless it's mine and they live overseas and on the West Coast.

[SteveLW]

Drh, yes I remember you had a pretty rough time of it as most do with extremely wayward spouses. I think you've handled it about as well as anyone could and continue to do so. I have no answers here as I get she's made her bed and now has to lie in it. Keep up the good work being the most awesomest dad!