ouch. there's detachment, and then there's that statement ^^^
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
As far as "I have something more important"...whatever it is...watching paint dry... SHE DOESN'T WANT TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE.....you are agreeing with her. You hear her..you are supporting her decision. Again, this is not what you say to someone when the R is in a good place.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I have something more important = being an @$$hole about it. The point is you want to behave in a way that makes her think she's a fool for letting you leave. That comment would make me think I'm right to walk away. There are other ways to make that line in the sand which would make her regret her choices, not celebrate them.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I am not sure saying "I have something more important to do" is being a rearhole. To me it projected high value. "We are wasting our time on MC, so I have found something more important to me to do."
FWIW I'm with bttrfly on this one. I typically agree with what R2C says, but the "I have something more important to do" line seemed to me to be a bit harsh and crossed the line from neutral, accepting, strong, playful...etc. to being negative and putting down an idea and being a little bum-hurt about it all. I agree w/all to decline the MC, but something like "MC won't be a productive use of our time unless both of us are committed to work on the marriage." And then walk away, but project an at peace, mysterious, happy about the comment...don't come off as down and depressed and hurt about it.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by bttrfly
You realize I'm a woman, right? It's always so fascinating to me when you guys start telling us women about what female attraction is or isn't.
I am very glad you are posting and hope to keep reading your POV to the newbies. We don't need an echo chamber of just men to men.
thx R2C. way to DB wink
Agreed! Not only only do we need more vets in Newbies, but diversity of thought is most welcomed. Stay, bttrfly.
Originally Posted by br4nd0n
I get that none of this matters and doesn't change what I need to do and focus on me.
Yep, you got it.
Last edited by DnJ; 12/10/2203:09 AM. Reason: Corrected quote.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
If you recall, my wife came back from the MC meeting I declined where we were supposed to discuss a break. She ended up going on her own.
After she got done with the MC meeting, she told a friend she was feeling worse after the meeting and was depressed.
Since then, and since she got back home, I don’t think she’s spoken a single word to me. That was Thursday during the afternoon.
I’ve detached and decided I’m only going to speak to her and be polite when she does to me but hasn’t happened yet.
I mean I knew this “break” would kind of feel like roommates (which is how she felt we were at times before BD) but you add in the silent treatment and it’s just awkward. Especially around daughter.
She was at least telling me what she was doing/going but this morning before I was up, she took my daughter to breakfast and didn’t know.
I believe I’ve seen you guys say that WAW tend to talk to you more when you detach and drop the rope but I wonder how long this silent treatment will last.
I can already see what is going to happen soon is I’m going to have plans to go out with friends and she is going to also have something planned at that same time and since we’re not communicating, it’s going to turn into an issue because one of us will need to be home with daughter.
You are going to have to sit down with her to talk about making a schedule regarding who is looking after your daughter. Whenever you are not you should be out GAL.
I’ve detached and decided I’m only going to speak to her and be polite when she does to me but hasn’t happened yet.
Why only when she does?
You are giving and perpetuating the silent treatment to her as well.
Yes things will feel like roommates. You control you. Be a good roommate. Kind and cordial.
W not speaking a single word to you since Thursday does not preclude you from saying good morning, mentioning your plans with daughter, etc. And then going about your day and actives.
Detachment is not ignoring. It is that you aren’t uncontrollably dragged around by your emotions.
Better, not bitter. Kind and cordial. Focusing on you is leading and living by example. Her following, or not, is up to her.
Hang in there man.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
W not speaking a single word to you since Thursday does not preclude you from saying good morning, mentioning your plans with daughter, etc. And then going about your day and actives.
I'm going to have to figure out how to navigate this. Hopefully this is just temporary on her side from whatever she felt from that MC meeting.
I asked her how the breakfast place was (I had never been) and she was just really short with me. Clearly got the hint that she doesn't want to talk to me. Immediately backed off.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Better, not bitter
I'm really trying but I just can't fathom treating anyone like this, let alone a partner of 14 years. Maybe I'm crazy but it's so hard for me to not think what on earth I could have possibly done to this woman to deserve being treated like this.
Yes. Some WS get false restraining orders, empty bank accounts, have affair partners in their own beds. In comparison a couple days of silent treatment not so bad right?
