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MikeP #2940030 12/01/22 06:36 AM
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I don't know. Seems like most WWs are defiant, rebellious, unapologetic, at times even gleeful about hurting the LBS. The fact she's back with you, apologizing, going on dates, having sex with you...etc. Seems like a relative positive. Maybe it doesn't mean anything, and by no means are you out of the woods, but it's certainly a better situation than it could be.

I agree. Things could be a lot worse!

It’s also important to regulate expectations. We all know a WAS/WS can oscillate violently between completely normal/affectionate, and then an hour later be dropping grenades and blowing up the world. My ex sometimes showed glimpses of being just ever-so slightly less crazy… I assume it was because for whatever reason, she felt a bit less secure about OM.

The other thing to remember is this: perhaps you have pulled away from her, started making strong moves, given her space and started GAL activities… those things are maybe paying dividends. So if perhaps it’s starting to show results, you should double down and do those things even more!

Don’t make the mistake of seeing her start to respond and drop back to old nice guy behaviours.

DOUBLE DOWN MATE! Stay strong, calm, busy (GAL), uninterested in her!

You’re doing really well. Just remember this is generally a 3-5 year marathon.

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MikeP #2940035 12/01/22 12:14 PM
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Good morning Mike.

Have you read Gordie's threads yet?

Have you given some thought to what your core values/guiding principles are today, post BD?

LMK if you need a link to Gord's threads.

here's a snippet of what I mean by finding your core values:

Originally Posted by bttrfly
This worked for me: finding out what my core values/principles were and trying my best to incorporate them into my life. I say finding out, like it was a scavenger hunt. That's not exactly correct. A more accurate statement would be that I looked for common themes/threads. Several emerged: gratitude, humor, compassion, service and the hardest of all for me right now: love.

So again, I say to you my friend - what are the common threads in your life? Therein lies your personal happiness.

xoxoxo
#TeamGordie
#YouGotThis

Last edited by bttrfly; 12/01/22 12:16 PM.

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
bttrfly #2940037 12/01/22 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
Good morning Mike.

Have you read Gordie's threads yet?

Have you given some thought to what your core values/guiding principles are today, post BD?

LMK if you need a link to Gord's threads.

here's a snippet of what I mean by finding your core values:

Originally Posted by bttrfly
This worked for me: finding out what my core values/principles were and trying my best to incorporate them into my life. I say finding out, like it was a scavenger hunt. That's not exactly correct. A more accurate statement would be that I looked for common themes/threads. Several emerged: gratitude, humor, compassion, service and the hardest of all for me right now: love.

So again, I say to you my friend - what are the common threads in your life? Therein lies your personal happiness.

xoxoxo
#TeamGordie
#YouGotThis

I did start reading Gordie’s thread yesterday, haven’t read it all yet. Based on the snippet you shared I would say humor, service, and love are values I have also incorporated in my life as well. I’ve been working on compassion. Should definitely work on gratitude. Watching Jimmy V speak last night reminded me how much I have to be grateful for.


M:50 W:48
T:33 M:25
D23, S17, D13
BD:4/2/22
MikeP #2940038 12/01/22 01:25 PM
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Mike:
This is where I hope you someday end up:
Originally Posted by Gordie
It only took me 20 months to finally hear what so many of you have said

Stop putting my life on hold

Life is too short

Standing for your M is not standing still

I cannot nice her back

Do not look back at this time as a waste

But a time of renewal and rebirth

You can only get there by solidly - and I mean 100% - focusing on YOU.

There are a lot of people who are still here - old timers - who are standing still, even now.

BOTTOM LINE: We can only control ourselves. We can't make things better, but we sure as hell can make things 1000% worse. Stay in your own lane, think about what you really want, what makes you tick, post BD. A BD is a life-changing event. You are not the same person you were one minute before that happened. Find out who Mike is post BD. Focus your attention there. The rest will flow.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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MikeP #2940040 12/01/22 02:57 PM
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M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
MikeP #2940041 12/01/22 02:59 PM
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Originally Posted by MikeP
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Good morning Mike.

Have you read Gordie's threads yet?

Have you given some thought to what your core values/guiding principles are today, post BD?

LMK if you need a link to Gord's threads.

here's a snippet of what I mean by finding your core values:

Originally Posted by bttrfly
This worked for me: finding out what my core values/principles were and trying my best to incorporate them into my life. I say finding out, like it was a scavenger hunt. That's not exactly correct. A more accurate statement would be that I looked for common themes/threads. Several emerged: gratitude, humor, compassion, service and the hardest of all for me right now: love.

So again, I say to you my friend - what are the common threads in your life? Therein lies your personal happiness.

xoxoxo
#TeamGordie
#YouGotThis

I did start reading Gordie’s thread yesterday, haven’t read it all yet. Based on the snippet you shared I would say humor, service, and love are values I have also incorporated in my life as well. I’ve been working on compassion. Should definitely work on gratitude. Watching Jimmy V speak last night reminded me how much I have to be grateful for.
you need to find which patterns are yours, Mikey, not mine. Then synthesize that down to values.
We may have some overlap but we may not. Helps if you know your love languages as a guide


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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MikeP #2940047 12/01/22 05:14 PM
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threads 16-19 are intense.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
MikeP #2940049 12/01/22 08:35 PM
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Mike, the problem in my mind is not that you cried in front of her (general guidance here is to not be emotional in front of her), but that you are still doing these weekly dinners. I would highly consider ending those.

"I've decided that for the time being it is better if we stop the weekly dinners. I will be using the time to work on myself and come to terms with everything that is going on."

Maybe even more succinct than that.

#1 mistake we see LBSs make in these situations is spending too much time with the WAS and by extension, saying too much. Words are your enemy right now. They cannot get you anywhere and will only set you back further.

The Jimmy V speech is extremely emotional. There were songs that would trigger my emotions in my situation. When I would hear a song that would trigger me I'd make an excuse to get up and be somewhere else. Or turn the station. Or whatever I had to. Beta behavior, whether modern humans like it or not, is not attractive to most women. At a base level that they nor we can even explain. I can guarantee you that OM wasn't weepy around her. I do not say ANY of this to hurt you, shame you, reprimand you, or any such thing. But simply to make you aware. As R2C says, do what is attractive, avoid what is unattractive.

Another reason I am not trying to beat you up over it is because it is done. Water under the bridge. But you certainly want to avoid another scenario like it.

And very good on not attaching any significance to her apology. As awful as WWs can be, they are still humans and are not out to purposely hurt anyone. So likely seeing you emotional triggered that guilt in her. One thing that I learned was that my WAW had spent months...even a couple of years, getting to the point where she was willing to actually hurt me to get what she wanted. The only reason she didn't in the months and prior to BD was to avoid hurting me. That is some pretty heavy perspective. Likely your wife had held back in doing what she has been doing in an effort to NOT hurt you too, but eventually her need to do it outweighed not wanting to hurt you. But that doesn't mean she enjoys the pain she is causing.

And, as hard as it is to hear, likely a lot of her grief is still over losing OM. It is a reality we LBS eventually have to face. I saw my WW in agony over OM ending their EA. I first took it as a good sign until I finally recognized it for what it was.

Another thing I should point out, likely when she agrees to going to dinner with you, she is wishing it were with OM. In snooping on my WW in our first situation (back in 2005) I found an email where she confessed this to some of her friends in an email. She said she had been enjoying the fun things we were doing as a couple, but that she so wished it was with the EAP. Reading that tore my heart from my chest. But it is perspective that LBSs need to hear because there is likely some of that going on in their own situations.

Onward and upward, Mike!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
MikeP #2940050 12/01/22 09:52 PM
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Steve, the weekly dinners was something we agreed on when she came back home under the premise that she wanted to work on things. I see what you are saying and they will probably end because d’s high school bball season started this week. We won’t have much free time for a few months. I also understand the crying issue but it just hit me. One second I was fine, then I wasn’t. In the first 33 years we were together I don’t think I ever cried in front of her. Trust me, I’m well aware that she’s probably still wanting to be with him. That’s why I have such a hard time with them working together. He probably sees her more than I do. I honestly don’t know that I will ever be ok with it. At some point it will have to be addressed. Accepting her seeing him every day and also the fact that I haven’t beat his azz yet makes me feel like a beta more than anything. She probably sees him more now than when the A was going on. If it’s actually not still going on.


M:50 W:48
T:33 M:25
D23, S17, D13
BD:4/2/22
MikeP #2940051 12/01/22 09:54 PM
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Not that it makes a difference in terms of what I need to do, but what would everyone’s opinion be concerning this being MLC. vs WAW?


M:50 W:48
T:33 M:25
D23, S17, D13
BD:4/2/22
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