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MikeP #2939971 11/30/22 04:27 PM
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Originally Posted by MikeP
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Mike - use this time to really think about what your core values are - the values that mean the most to you, that define you. When I did that it became really clear what did and didn't fit in my world. It will help, I promise.

I thought I had done that. My big issue now, I think, is being stuck in limbo. I understand she is having a hard time with whatever is going on in her head. I guess I'm not doing a good job of detaching. I get frustrated thinking she is still deciding between me and the OM. I sometimes think she will never to a point of wanting to reconcile without leaving again and seeing what it will be like without me. I think if she leaves again, I will be done. Seems like a no-win situation. I know I need to just keep on trucking like I have been the last week or so, guess I just needed to vent.


Maybe try and think about it this way...

And this ties into what I asked you earlier....

IF you truly understand that she has a lot swarming around in her noggin....

Then you add the pressure (unspoken or not, she knows ) that you are tying YOUR future and happiness to HER choice...

It really is a no-win situation that has been created for both of you.......by you

Dude, she has no clue who she is right now, let alone knowing what she wants, or what the future looks like for her.


So maybe go back to what I asked you earlier.......

She is trying to figure it all out....

But you get to do that too...

The Mike that got lost in the marriage ???

Find him, and be the Lighthouse home for her....

The Lighthouse knows what it is, and what it's qualities are. It doesn't try to be anything that it's not, and it sits there, quietly and patiently waiting for you to need it....

Yet when you are sitting in your rowboat, naked and lost, after catching those 3 perch, it's light guides you home....


Be that for her right now, and try not to predict future feelings and actions....


You certainly can't lead from behind....

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MikeP #2939977 11/30/22 05:15 PM
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here is the place to go when you need to vent.
Have you re-read the lighthouse story recently? I can't find the link to post here. Hopefully someone else can.

Also, Cadet has a great list of links https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2854484#Post2854484

including one on detachment which may help you right now.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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MikeP #2939983 11/30/22 06:26 PM
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Mach, I think the thing I am most proud of right now is how I've dealt with the last 8 months. At times I wanted to give up and didn't. I've tried to be understanding of what W is going through even though she didn't seem to care about what she put me through. I am also proud that so far I have refrained from confronting the OM. I think I've done a pretty good job considering how hard this is.


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bttrfly #2939984 11/30/22 06:34 PM
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
here is the place to go when you need to vent.
Have you re-read the lighthouse story recently? I can't find the link to post here. Hopefully someone else can.

Also, Cadet has a great list of links https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2854484#Post2854484

including one on detachment which may help you right now.

I don't know what the Lighthouse story is. I will look it up. Thank you.


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MikeP #2939985 11/30/22 06:58 PM
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The lighthouse is stationary. It doesn't move. It lights the path home but it remains motionless.

Read the story. It is really helpful to LBSs struggling with WHAT to do.

Remember, doing NOTHING is DOING SOMETHING. When in doubt about what to do, do nothing!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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MikeP #2939991 11/30/22 07:43 PM
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The Lighthouse Story


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...

but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....without lovebusting...

offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...

you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...

and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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MikeP #2939993 11/30/22 07:58 PM
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Mike, it just dawned on me that if you haven't read the lighthouse story than likely you didn't read all of the links that job and cadet post as the first response. Please go back to that post and read each link very carefully. There is gold in those readings. I diligently read each and every one, probably 6 times each minimum.

Be sponge. Soak up as much information as you can. Knowledge is your friend. The rest of the posters here can help with the application of that knowledge through their combined wisdom.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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MikeP #2939995 11/30/22 08:19 PM
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She is home and supposedly not in contact with the om except for work purposes. She is affectionate, we get along well, and she has even started initiating sex. All of this makes things feel "normal" and it's hard not to get caught up in thinking things are going well. I'm trying not to read too much into her actions because I know she is still unsure. It really bothers me that she could act this way towards me and still be considering leaving for the OM. I think that detaching is hard for me because I'm afraid she will think I'm just being withdrawn, like the old me. I like the concept behind the Lighthouse story, I'll try harder to be her lighthouse. I know that I'll never know, until it's too late if it's true, whether or not she still wants the OM. I just can't be plan B again. I won't be. This is my biggest struggle. Despite all the advice, I just can't seem to get past it. I've been doing really well recently, but this morning not so much. Feeling better now. It does help to just get on here and vent. I know I'm not the first and you all have seen it all. I look back at all my post's and think I must come across as a flip flopping, dipsh!t. Thanks again.


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SteveLW #2939996 11/30/22 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Mike, it just dawned on me that if you haven't read the lighthouse story than likely you didn't read all of the links that job and cadet post as the first response. Please go back to that post and read each link very carefully. There is gold in those readings. I diligently read each and every one, probably 6 times each minimum.

Be sponge. Soak up as much information as you can. Knowledge is your friend. The rest of the posters here can help with the application of that knowledge through their combined wisdom.

I'll start this evening. In the beginning of this mess I was a relationship researching madman. It's what I do when I'm interested in something. I have watched so many videos and read so many articles in such a short amount of time, it's unbelievable. I did start reading the links but stopped. I have been a sponge; I think I've entered information overload. I will start reading them though, thanks.


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MikeP #2940002 11/30/22 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by MikeP
Mach, I think the thing I am most proud of right now is how I've dealt with the last 8 months. At times I wanted to give up and didn't. I've tried to be understanding of what W is going through even though she didn't seem to care about what she put me through. I am also proud that so far I have refrained from confronting the OM. I think I've done a pretty good job considering how hard this is.

Mike, For starters, I think you are knocking this out of the park for this being so fresh still...

I applaud the way you are handling this. And you should be proud...

Yet I want more for you than what you posted above.


I was asked early in my process if I want to be defined by the worst thing that I have ever gone through.....

Sounds like an easy question right ???

So I'm asking you....

Do you want to be defined by the worst thing that you have been through ???

Even if you dig a little deeper and expand on that.

Find the something that is just for you..

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