Walkaway Wife Help

[SteveLW]

Brandon, great job! Terrific steps in the right direction.

One slight modification, and it is more an art than a science.

Me: "I just wanted to let you know I've decided not go to the counseling session tomorrow if you want to let XXX know. We don't need another meeting to discuss a break. I feel like counseling has just been more pressure for you. I feel I already have made what I want very clear these past few months and there just isn't a reason for us to go any longer for now. I want to respect what you said about feeling done with the relationship."

While this isn't bad. It is still too many words. I would suggest:

"I've decided not to continue with counseling, if you want to let XXX know. I do not think we need it to discuss a break, and I feel continuing would be a waste of time."

The point you made about pressure isn't wrong, just not necessary. Restating that you already made what you want clear, again, isn't wrong, just not necessary. She knows that. And the last line about respecting feeling done, again, isn't necessary. That is something that you show her, not tell her.

Otherwise, I love the latest update.

[br4nd0n]

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall on that MC meeting my W went to alone that I declined.

She hasn’t said a peep to me since she’s got back.

[Kind18]

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall on that MC meeting my W went to alone that I declined.

She hasn’t said a peep to me since she’s got back.

What purpose would that serve?

It’s highly likely that even if you knew exactly what was said, the answer to save your marriage wouldn’t be there. It’s not like she would have said “If only he did xyz I’d be with him” and then you could go do xyz and live happily ever after.

It just doesn’t work that way 🤷‍♂️

And chances are, if you did xyz, she would say “he’s only doing xyz because he thinks I want to hear it.” Or “it’s too late now”. Or “what I really need is xyz plus abc.” There is no quick solution or lightbulb moment to get a WAS/WS re-engage. They will continue to move the goalposts.

Being there or not being there, thinking about what she said or didn’t say, what the counsellor said or didn’t say, and why she’s gone quiet since the appointment - all you’re doing is pissing in the wind. Get a life activities for YOU should be your highest priority. Let her simmer on the stove.

She’s on a path and she has to walk it on her own. Nothing you hear, know, see, say or do is likely to change anything (other than to push her further away).

You need to continue to seek detachment. I think if I was a fly on the wall at my Ex’s therapy or counselling sessions, the thing I’d be most interested in would be the colour and texture of the paint I was standing on 🤣

[BL42]

br4nd0n,

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall on that MC meeting my W went to alone that I declined.

She hasn’t said a peep to me since she’s got back.

Kind18 said it well above. Easier said than done, but your time is much better spent focusing on making yourself a better man than what she said or didn't say in counseling. Most likely it wouldn't be what you wanted to hear anyway. I remember checking our joint calendar and phone records to find comfort in the fact my then-W was going to her IC session, assuming the counselor would be advising her not to walk away from her marriage to the father of her two very young children. No clue what they did talk about, but even if the counselor did recommend that she didn't listen. They're going to do whatever they want to do regardless of what a counselor, or their family member, or their friends recommend. They'll seek out the advice that validates their decision based on feelings and disregard the advise and people who challenge their views. Your best approach is to block all that out and work on yourself.

[Taz]

They're going to do whatever they want to do regardless of what a counselor, or their family member, or their friends recommend. They'll seek out the advice that validates their decision based on feelings and disregard the advice and people who challenge their views.

This is so true, got a friend who still blames a handful of people for his EW’s abrupt departure and his BD happened 5 years prior to mine. I leaned on him for support at first in my situation but came to realize that his narrative and bitterness was holding me back.

Br4nd0n,

At this time no outside influences are going to change her feelings about you or your relationship. I know how much we want it to. My own EW shunned our S22 when he met with her and begged her to get counseling. He told her she was mentally unstable. That was the last time he’s spoken to her in person (2 years ago).

Listen to the vets, get your emotions in check and GAL like a madman.

Taz

[SteveLW]

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall on that MC meeting my W went to alone that I declined.

She hasn’t said a peep to me since she’s got back.

Remember, focus off of her and onto yourself. I know it is human nature to wonder these kinds of things but likely she was much more frank about her desire to leave the marriage to the MC without you being there. In other words, as that fly on the wall you would have rather been smashed with a swatter than to hear what she had to say.

[LH19]

You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.

Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.

With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.

If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.

[br4nd0n]

So I don’t know what was actually discussed in that MC session without me obviously that she went alone.

I know she came back real quiet and didn’t talk to me after.

What I do know is that she “felt worse after going”.

When asked by her friend if it was helpful, she said “yes and no” but that she is “depressed”.

My guess is that session, especially with me finally declining to go, has made her feel worse about how she has treated me these past couple months. She has told me before that she thinks she is being selfish and my guess is that is still weighing on her.

[LH19]

The three biggest things she's dealing with right now are fear and uncertainty about the future, guilt for what she's doing to you and your daughter, and anger and resentment over your role in pushing her to this point.

Everything you do right now is going to make her either more resentful, or less resentful.

If you increase her guilt, by blaming, shaming, or making her responsible for your emotional state, she's going to resent you more.

If you pursue her, argue with her, or try to convince her to work with you on the marriage, she's going to resent you for not letting her go and not giving her the space she wants.

If you immediately address all her historic complaints, she's going to resent the fact that you didn't do it sooner, and things had to get this bad for you to take action.

If you give her space, it’s going to make her less resentful.

If you live your own life, and are happy and joyful for your own sake, it’s going to make her less resentful.

If you are respectful in your communications with her, but not intimate, it’s going to make her less resentful.

*Eventually* she will burn through that big pile of resentment.

*Eventually* she will process her anger at you and it will dissipate.

UNTIL she goes through both of those processes, she will not see you as anything other than she believes you to be based on her prior training.

[BL42]

So I don’t know what was actually discussed in that MC session without me obviously that she went alone.

I know she came back real quiet and didn’t talk to me after.

What I do know is that she “felt worse after going”.

When asked by her friend if it was helpful, she said “yes and no” but that she is “depressed”.

My guess is that session, especially with me finally declining to go, has made her feel worse about how she has treated me these past couple months. She has told me before that she thinks she is being selfish and my guess is that is still weighing on her.

Maybe the counselor challenged her on path and that didn't sit well. I remember in one of the three MC sessions we had then-W said she had a disagreement with her IC and a tough session. I didn't know details but thought "great...maybe IC is telling her she should work on the marriage, especially with two very young children". But that was speculation and mind reading and didn't really serve me. As we said above, none of that really matters. She is going to take the path she's going to take and you can't control it. Do your best to focus your efforts on yourself.