Walkaway Wife Help

[BL42]

br4nd0n,

The point is well taken on not going to the next couples therapy session.

However, where we left the last one after talking about how the date didn't change her mind, still feeling done, etc. was the acknowledgement that we need a "break" as our next step.

Well, we live together and that isn't changing so the counselor kept this next session on the books (scheduled for tomorrow). The counselor kept the session on the book to discuss what a "break" would look like.

You do not need to go to counseling to discuss a break. If she wants to separate she can pack up her stuff in a box and leave. Period. I'm serious. Good luck w/that, W!

You need to change your mentality from one of fearfulness to embracing it. With the former she sees you as a scared meek guy she can get back whenever she wants. With that latter she thinks "Oh! Wow. He stood up for himself and he's not afraid to lose me. Maybe I should reconsider this..."

Which I am...I'm heartbroken and I don't want to loose my wife...so It's tough.

We know exactly how you feel. It's devastating. Hang in there...it'll be OK in the end.

[Rockon]

Brandon, I think I am just starting to get a bit of this detaching and letting go. Listen to the board, heed sound warnings/insights and wrestle/reckon to see what fits. Ask questions, challenge assumptions and perspectives and learn from your mistakes. Own your power and flip the narrative. These are things I’m working on and failing at a lot of the time. It is very very difficult.

[DnJ]

Good Morning br4nd0n

A question - I know you are supposed to do things like connect back with friends and to make her be curious about my whereabouts. Do you tell her what you are doing/going? Or do you just say “hey I made some plans and will be out”.

Things like connecting back with friends and other “get a life” activities are for you. You reconnect with friends because you care about them. You try new, and those old forgotten, hobbies because you are investing in yourself. Making one’s spouse curious is a positive byproduct of GAL - not the reason for it.

As for how much detail to tell. It depends on the scenario. Just keep any pressure dialled way down. A general, I’m heading out for a few hours, should suffice. Other times, D and I are getting an Xmas tree. Want to come along?, would be more appropriate. It depends on the scenario, and that day.

Be kind and cordial. Keep your side of the street in order.

I feel like I'm just coming off upset/annoyed/short with her.

Which I am...I'm heartbroken and I don't want to loose my wife...so It's tough.

I understand. It is tough!

And yes, heartbreak hurts plenty.

The anger, the upset, annoyed, being short with her, sweat that out of you. Find a mechanism to process and release those feelings. A nice run. A punching bag. Shovelling snow. Or digging a garden. (It’s -30C here this morning so no gardening for me. ). Do something safe and away from W.

And new feelings will well up again. And need to be processed again. Each time getting a bit easier, a bit better, as you craft new internal pathways of coping and thinking.

Kind and cordial.

Be better, not bitter.

D

[DnJ]

You do not need to go to counseling to discuss a break. If she wants to separate she can pack up her stuff in a box and leave. Period. I'm serious. Good luck w/that, W!

I agree.

I think in counselling you’ll get talked into something not beneficial to you. And I primarily mean you, not the relationship.

If she wants a break, you don’t need to discuss it. Don’t need to make it all pleasant and agreed to. Nope! You just don’t block it, is all.

For example. You do not move out of the master bedroom. If she wants a break from you, and things, she can sleep on the couch downstairs. Or in the spare room. Or whatever she figures out.

You don’t move out of the house, or bedroom.

D

[MikeP]

You do not need to go to counseling to discuss a break. If she wants to separate she can pack up her stuff in a box and leave. Period. I'm serious. Good luck w/that, W!

I agree.

I think in counselling you’ll get talked into something not beneficial to you. And I primarily mean you, not the relationship.

If she wants a break, you don’t need to discuss it. Don’t need to make it all pleasant and agreed to. Nope! You just don’t block it, is all.

For example. You do not move out of the master bedroom. If she wants a break from you, and things, she can sleep on the couch downstairs. Or in the spare room. Or whatever she figures out.

You don’t move out of the house, or bedroom.

D

This ^! I've been terrible at detaching and doing a lot of the right things. However, I told W in no uncertain terms that I would not be leaving my house or bed. That was an easy, no brainer even for me.

[LH19]

I feel like I'm just coming off upset/annoyed/short with her.

Was upset/annoyed/short with her typically how you behaved when you didn't get your way with her?

Which I am...I'm heartbroken and I don't want to loose my wife...so It's tough.

Do you know when you are 100% most likely to reconcile effectively?

When you no longer care if you do or not.

That's the honest and sad truth. Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having.

[br4nd0n]

I've definitely backed way off. Trying to "drop the rope".

If you recall, we were supposed to have a marriage counseling session today to discuss what a "break" looks like. Yesterday, I did this instead and was our exchange:

Me: "I just wanted to let you know I've decided not go to the counseling session tomorrow if you want to let XXX know. We don't need another meeting to discuss a break. I feel like counseling has just been more pressure for you. I feel I already have made what I want very clear these past few months and there just isn't a reason for us to go any longer for now. I want to respect what you said about feeling done with the relationship."

W: "Ok, I still may go."

Me: "That's fine. You can go on your own tomorrow to get some advice if you think that might be helpful"


We haven't talked much. We had an event/concert yesterday for our D11 so there was a little exchange but not tons.

She has also been offering me food that she has been making. She also offered to pick me up something along with what she was for my daughter when she was out and about. I have been politely declining as I've been doing my own thing in the food/diet arena (we pretty much always have anyways).

I have also backed off on doing dishes/emptying dishwasher. I haven't had any of my own dishes so they have all been hers from cooking, etc.

This morning I saw her doing the dishes, emptying the dishwasher, and it made me realize she hadn't had to do any of that for a long time since the BD.

I've just been focusing on my daughter and doing things for her.

[BL42]

br4nd0n,

I've definitely backed way off. Trying to "drop the rope".

Good! But keep in mind consistent actions...it can't be a day or two and then flip back.

Me: "I just wanted to let you know I've decided not go to the counseling session tomorrow if you want to let XXX know. We don't need another meeting to discuss a break. I feel like counseling has just been more pressure for you. I feel I already have made what I want very clear these past few months and there just isn't a reason for us to go any longer for now. I want to respect what you said about feeling done with the relationship."

W: "Ok, I still may go."

Me: "That's fine. You can go on your own tomorrow to get some advice if you think that might be helpful"

A little wordy maybe, and too many "I feels" perhaps, but sounds decent overall.

I have also backed off on doing dishes/emptying dishwasher.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't do your share - just don't bend over backwards doing everything in the hopes it'll save the M.

This morning I saw her doing the dishes, emptying the dishwasher, and it made me realize she hadn't had to do any of that for a long time since the BD.

Then she'll be doing them quite a bit more if she decides to move out.

I've just been focusing on my daughter and doing things for her.

Perfect. You and your daughter should be your priority.

[LH19]

Trying to "drop the rope".

What does "dropping the rope" mean to you?

[Rockon]

Powerful action Brandon. Applause.