Hahahaha! Yes, I still stand by that poster who I see through no matter how much smoke other people blow up his arse. Noticed he disappeared And addressed nothing ? Yup.
Whether or not someone can walk the walk from their talking...
There is still a plethora of information that is now missing....
I hope said poster returns and does the 'for better or worse' of posting here....
Originally Posted by Ginger1
But I’m here and I can address the truth. And you are right ( I am one of those people who can see others view points) my need for validation in areas of being afraid have failure has spilled over a bit. I do not need a guy to validate me to raise my self esteem. I am sure of that. Do I feel like sometimes I think given my track record SOMETHING must be making me undatable or unlovable? Absolutely. I have dug deep to figure out what is so “wrong “ with me. I’ve bettered myself and recognized my faults . Then I actually recognized I am still a lovable Woman WITH my faults . Which are plenty. But it’s getting better. For a good amount of time , I figured something HAS to be wrong with me. But I’m slowly realizing no, that my worth isn’t tied to someone being able to love me or want to choose me.
As far as why I am closed off? While I don’t need the approval of another man? I guess I take the defensive route ( old habit from ex) and close myself off so he can’t reject me because of me. Because while it used to be so easy for me to be vulnerable, now it’s incredibly hard for these reasons.
So I won’t prove you wrong. And the longer I go on this path of it being “loved” by a romantic partner. The harder it becomes to keep my resolve of appreciating I am not unlovable or there is something inherently wrong with me. You are right. It’s not a normal validation I need. It’s a validation that I all my hard work is legit .
I’ll always appreciate rAw honesty. Thank you my friend.
Loveable, is subjective in terms....and only interpreted by the "reader"
What you may feel as loveable, future perspective partners may not...
It's the acceptance of that , that matters...
And that's where you seem to have issues.
The seeking of approval, that your version of loveable is acceptable, is where the conflict seems to lie.
And the contortionist act to blend in and BE accepted steals your mojo.
And that comes through in an intimate setting as a lack of confidence from you.
Yes, you may know it and recognize that, but how deeply do you feel that and project that confidence ?
And until you address the root of the weed, it's always gonna grow back...
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am achieving my goals. And I realized how bad a$$ I am. I achieved most things in life against the odds. Nothing ever came to me easy and it was always with struggle and minimal support. Not many people can say that. And k am so proud of me. And my hope is my daughter sees one day all I have accidentally pushed when the odds were against me . A mother in and out of rehabs and mental institutions? My mother having a breakdown when my dad left the marriage when I was 17 and went back to her hard drug use! Yeah, this was to my choice in my ex. But I should be some drug addict right now. It instead I’m a stable mom for my daughter with a career who beats the odds . And that’s a lot to be proud of. And I am. There were so many days when I wished a I was dead. I kid you not. But here I am, alive. And not failing at life.
Good place for a shovel right there.....
Originally Posted by Ginger1
My love life doesn’t define me anymore.
I disagree....I think it totally defines you...
Originally Posted by Ginger1
It only hurts me personally. I could have numerous “boyfriends” right now ( not a brag) but I won’t settle. But I could fess, there was something about this last guy. I miss him. It was so short and so sweet. But there was a serious something there and I think about him so much. I did reach out to him. Not to ask him back. I basically said nothing when he ended ended thing with me. I decided to say something . I just asked how his new place was. He sent me a picture of his new place and dog and told me how things went getting his stuff from his ex and how she thinks she might be using. I was open and vulnerable with him. I told him how I felt. My experience. And he was honest with me and told me how much he cared for me but he needs to be alone . He said he thinks about me often Him I agree. I told him that for the beginning. I just needed to say my piece. I told him of when he was ready to date for real, hit me up, and maybe I’ll be available and we can talk.
He’s on my mind a lot. I can’t explain it. It stinks. But I’m not acting on it . But there is a few times I have TRULY felt something . He’s one of them. The last time was M and the time before that was Steve . Steve is now married to the woman he met while dating me! I’m pretty sure M is with someone . Firefighter is is married to the woman he met while he was dating me too. But that one I totally am happy for because he was too young for me. He got what he really needed .
Because it would have really cool if you could have just said...
That's too bad, because I think you are missing out on something really good....
And walked away without regret, because you meant it in your heart....
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m going to be patient over here. Trust myself self. Trust the universe . I look at myself and I realize I am really not such a failure . So I’m just going to have some faith
I have to be totally honest here. I am not exactly sure what you are saying. That I’m trying to be someone I’m not in order to be “lovable?” I come off as closed off because I try to play down the full version of me ?
I have to be totally honest here. I am not exactly sure what you are saying. That I’m trying to be someone I’m not in order to be “lovable?” I come off as closed off because I try to play down the full version of me ?
I'm not saying you are trying to be somebody you aren't.
I'm saying that you spend an exorbitant amount of time worrying about whether you are loveable or not to the person that you are with.
Enough that you sacrifice your own thoughts and values in that process..
You become 'closed' off to yourself, and instead of just being you...
You twist yourself into something that you are not....
>>>Example<<<
A few years back....
You and your new BF were driving down to SC. We had talked about it, and you had said that you wanted to stop and grab a coffee with me and K...You were gonna text when you were close and we were going to meet.
Everything was what we discussed right up to the point where I didn't hear from you for another 2 weeks.
When I asked you if you were at least okay, you responded with ...
Well, BF didn't want to do this, and he wanted to do that. I'm sorry we didn't stop, cause I really wanted to meet up.
Where were you, if you really wanted to ?
When K asked if I had heard from you, I told her no.
Her response was...
Well, She's getting laid now, so we might not hear from her for a while... : )
Now...
I don't need an answer for that, and I am in no way pi$$ed about it not happening...
It's just an example about how this goes for you.
And when I say that you are closed off, it's because....
You close yourself off from you....
You shut down your values and your view of yourself, and allow the relationship to define who you are.
And you seek that approval, and validation that you are still you, because you gave yourself away,...
And when 'you' are gone, you question whether or not you are loveable....
And in that process, you want your partner to validate that you are loveable, and reassure you that you are loveable..
When all of that, needs to project FROM you, not him projecting it onto you....
How many times over the years, when you start dating someone, have I given you the same advice ??
Just be YOU...
Don't define it, or name what it is...
Just be YOU....
What did you think that I meant when I said that ????
I agree with some of your observations. I think what you describe USED to be me. Not so much anymore. I learned a lot and changed a lot, especially since that guy way back when.
Truth be told, I never dated. I married the first guy I did and that wasn’t even normal dating. Then throw a single mother into the dating world for the first time, coming out of a toxic/relationship marriage. Can you say complicated?!? At the internet, social media, this forum, and I never had a clue. And I’ve learned as I have went along.
I spent a lot of time making sure my ex was “happy” spending time with his friends and his likes. I didn’t really know how to be a “girlfriend” how to maintain yourself and build a relationship. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at maintaining myself. Since M, I haven’t sacrificed myself. I haven’t lost my values. I haven’t “left” myself. I am not abandoning my values. Im not trying to be “lovable “ anymore. Im just very guarded. I come off as bitchy because I don’t want to let anyone in. Or I have thoughts from other voices saying red flag, red flag! This is perfect, that isn’t perfect, run or protect yourself!” I used to give way too much grace to flaws, now I give barely any and that’s bad. Im freaked out by what I see and encounter out there, TBH.
And I would like to speak to the SC situation. I have a fatal flaw, that’s for sure. I still have to an extent. Not being able to say “no” I say yes to everything . Some of it is Overcommiting myself so I can find a way to make everything happen so that everyone is happy. I still do it. I don’t know how to say no. Or I am scared too. So I apologize for that. It’s not fair to others. We just wanted to get down there and back. Not because he wanted to and I was going along with him. It was also because I wanted to. Also, I have fear of introducing guys to friends. I have a fear of introducing them and they are gone. Actually, that particular guy had a problem with the fact I never brought him around my friends. So yea, still actively working on saying “no” when I truly can’t make something happen, instead of trying to fit everything in.
I am much much better. I really am. I don’t give much of myself to anyone anymore and it’s hurting me. Not as much as giving everything . But I have actually overcompensated.
My morals and values are intact. I don’t give myself up to anyone or anything anymore. I really don’t. I used to, that’s for sure.
I haven’t lost me. I used to think I am a fake cause of my low self esteem. I’m the social world and world , I’m respected and very well- liked . My brain would say “ how can that be? “ now it says “it’s because you are you and you are a pretty cool stand -up smart person” I can make friends nearly anywhere I go. And it’s not because I’m someone I am not. It’s because it’s who I am
G - You’re doing great. But I look forward to the day when your natural response to the men you’re dating is not “will he like me?” but “is he worthy of me?”
Like you, I’m a nurturer, and I had a history of pursuing unavailable men. I thought my exH was the exception, as he pursued me in the beginning, but I was mistaken. It probably would have been better for that relationship if I had expected more from him.
CMM taught me what it was like to be in a relationship with someone who was putting in the same effort as I was. I want that for you. Someone who delights in you and treats you like a goddess. Someone who returns the care and effort you put into a relationship. But to have that, you have to believe that you are worth it, and need to turn your attention away from those unavailable men.
G - You’re doing great. But I look forward to the day when your natural response to the men you’re dating is not “will he like me?” but “is he worthy of me?”
Like you, I’m a nurturer, and I had a history of pursuing unavailable men. I thought my exH was the exception, as he pursued me in the beginning, but I was mistaken. It probably would have been better for that relationship if I had expected more from him.
CMM taught me what it was like to be in a relationship with someone who was putting in the same effort as I was. I want that for you. Someone who delights in you and treats you like a goddess. Someone who returns the care and effort you put into a relationship. But to have that, you have to believe that you are worth it, and need to turn your attention away from those unavailable men.
Thank you. I really really do believe I am worth the effort I put in. It’s half the reason why I’m still single. I haven’t found it yet. And it’s not because I’m not worth it. I am. And I do believe it.
I was chatting with my friend at work, she says “ I don’t understand why you are still single. You are just an awesome person. I said part jokingly, part serious , “ most men just can’t handle my level of awesomeness. And that is also kind of true. I am a tall order. I won’t minimize myself anymore. I think I can be a bit intimidating.
In other news…… I feel like I’m moving away from my family across the country. My work peeps are like my family. People are actually really sad I’m leaving. I’m really sad too. I can’t quite explain it, but when my ex left, work was the only place I felt normal. It was a different job at the time, but I was close with my coworkers. That was always the chance I had to be around other adults. Work. When you have a baby at home and no adults every come home, work is a refuge.
Same now. Work, my friends there, they are my constant. I don’t have much family and I don’t have any adults that come home to me. We have gotten really really really close. I’m really going to miss seeing these people every day. And well, speak of validation, I am humbled by how many people are truly upset I won’t be there anymore.
I know it seems stupid to make such a big deal out of a job. But my work has always been much more than a job to me, like I explained. Work is my family, I know that might sound sad, but it’s true. And nurses, well, we have a special bond. I am sure these friendships will continue.
Next weekend I am going to a beer fest with / work friends. Looking forward to that. I have dinner plans. Another nurse on the floor is leaving and we are going out Wednesday. I think they are planning something for me as well.
And D’s Bday is coming . The day the 3 of us spend together. I’m happy this year it’s a weekday so it’s really just a dinner . Not a day of activity and dinner. I just have barely looked him in the eye since this all happened .
Nothing planned for the holiday weekend. I’m cool with that. I’m D’s chauffeur tomorrow and she babysits tomorrow night and is with her dad Sunday through halfway Monday. Because school is Tuesday and I have to do straighten her hair, lol. A sophomore, lord help me.
BL- no she isn’t dating yet. She does have a very slight interest in boys, but she is such an innocent kid. At 15, the thought of alcohol and drugs are evil and she hasn’t even held hands with a boy. And she is a really beautiful girl ( I might be a little biased). I maybe have another year to go before I really have to worry. She’s all about friends and I’m happy with that. The friend she went to the carnival with tonight is a very smart sweet girl who’s parents are rich and both doctors and very into her studies. Thank god. I think the universe knows I couldn’t handle crazy teenage antics
Hey sweetie. Ok, so, you know I love you. So does Mach. It is why we want to see you happy. I have no doubt that you are proud of yourself for what you have accomplished and for raising such an amazing girl.
Having said that...why are you so shocked at how people are reacting to your leaving your job? Why is it so hard to believe...given how well you are at it and the relationships you are formed?
Aside from that...you know a lot of my story. Alcoholic mom who crushed my soul. Not her fault in that she was broken, but, nonetheless those were the results. Raised my baby sister alone because dad was passive and checked out. Had police at the house, mom arrested numerous times, almost taken away by DYFS, alcoholic violent brother...and on it goes. She didn't choose to end her life as yours did so I am in no way comparing. I then married a man who continued to make me feel as she did..unworthy, useless, not enough.
At some point, I had to truly know in my heart that they were wrong.... in order to survive and thrive. I had to own that how they treated me and what they said wasn't true. It had to do with how they felt about themselves projected on me.
When you really and truly feel that deep down in your soul...you are there.
The fact that you reached out to this last guy one last time tells me you aren't. He said what he did about no needing to be in a relationship and you needed to hear it, right?
But you were hoping that the phone call would either give you closure or have him rethink his decision. I know you are going to say that wasn't it, but, I think it was. You did it with most of the others.
That doubt, that needing the validation that it wasn't you, is what I think Mach is trying to get you to see.
I would be sad if someone ended something with me and would think about my possible contribution to them deciding that. But once I came to realize that it wasn't anything on my end that I did purposefully, they wouldn't hear from me.
One of the most important things I learned from this journey..is to try to hear people. I mean really hear them. The other thing I learned is that if someone doesnt want to be with me...it is their loss. Not because I am so great...but, because I am true to who I am. If that doesnt suit someone, then, I shouldnt be in his life.
I think you believe that you dont need someone, but, it isnt how you come across in your words. There is a huge difference between needing and wanting. When we want someone in our lives, it is because we know who we are and what we bring to the table. It is when we are confident that we have value.
The fact that you think it is you, that you may have said or done something or that there is something wrong with you is what isnt good.
And you do feel that. You have written those exact words. And that comes across to them whether you realize it or not.
I would like to see you not say you should have been a drug addict due to your upbringing. I should have been too, then. I dont say that though because it negates all the hard work I put into me. I should be exactly who I am. Otherwise I am putting all the power in my mother's and ex-husbands hands. It doesnt belong there. I belongs in me.
Understand that I am not minimizing at all what you have been thru. I could not imagine losing my mother at a young age and getting divorces while pregnant. The fact that you made it through that is amazing and should be celebrated by you living your life knowing that you are enough.
That's where your power lies. Knowing in your heart that any guy would be truly lucky to be with you. It is knowing that you are amazing and wonderful and if you find someone that see that then lucky him.
We all like to be told good things about ourselves. It's nice. But your true validation comes from within you.
So proud of you for going for that job. Make it a new step in your life. One that you feel you deserve because you are great.
Let it also be the first step in how you feel about relationships. You can bring so much to someone's life because you are you.
I have been telling you for a long time to try something different. Wait before you sleep with them. Have the mindset that you dont need them...you want to share something with them. You say that you are closed off but yet you go all in in so many ways. Let it develop slowly.
D’s first day of sophomore year is tomorrow . I have no idea where that time went. She modeled her outfit a bunch of different ways until she was happy. I gotta say, she is one pretty girl. The other day she told me when she went to walk the dog some guy honked at her. I wanted to hunt him down and…… I have been fortunate to see her off on her very first day of school ever. Her dad never took the day off to do the same. I do send him pics though .
She did tell me when I checked in with her that she “forgot “ about the stuff she knew about her dad and doubts what she saw was correct. Sigh. I warned her it might come out. I hope it will happen after she leaves for college . That man will get away with everything forever . But it is what it is. I’m trying to keep her in reality without freaking her out.
I had a new recent PR today of #115 for 4 reps on my bench. Im getting there. I went for a 15 mi trail bike ride Saturday. Getting my activity in, that’s for sure. Feels good. I love the outdoors.
A coworker and I were talking about raising kids. She’s married. She feels bigger kids, the harder it is. I actually feel it’s easier! When you are a single parent, especially from the beginning with no help….. I couldn’t leave the house without a child in tow. If I need something from the grocery store, it wasn’t leave the kid with my spouse….. it was pack up the kid, no matter what weather. Everything I did, my eyes were on a baby, a toddler, a preschooler…… it was tough 24/7! Now I can go, bike ride for a few hours and come home. I can run to the store. I can see some friends. Go to the gym. Because she is a good kid. These years are so much easier for me! The k my time I didn’t have my kid when she was a baby was when I was working night shift. It was Really hard. So yeah, I’m enjoying these years where I don’t have to keep my eyes on her 24/7. Easier years for me for sure. I earned them.
Tomorrow after work I’m getting my hairs done. And she will be fine. Dinner is made already. We will talk about her day when I get home.
Next week is her B day. A few celebrationsz on her bday me and her dad will take her shopping ( her favorite activity) and then then one of the eat pizza places in our state. He said he doesn’t “feel like getting the cake she wants” and asked if I could. I said “ sure” whatever .
Beginning of the busy fall season. Pep rally for cheerleading Friday. I can’t wait to see what she taught the little kids. She’s a coach now! Yeah, every year I wish I had a partner for the fall season. One year I did. It was awesome . Best time in our relationship. Anyways I will make it a good one
I had a new recent PR today of #115 for 4 reps on my bench. Im getting there. I went for a 15 mi trail bike ride Saturday. Getting my activity in, that’s for sure. Feels good. I love the outdoors.
4x115# bench is a significant PR--and 15mi on the same day! Props.
Originally Posted by Ginger
So yeah, I’m enjoying these years where I don’t have to keep my eyes on her 24/7.
I remember weekends wearing a 2y/o while chasing after a 6y/o at a local amusement park! I agree the teen years can be much easier for us single parents than those single-digit years.
Well. Life has been very busy and is only Getting busier. Some days I don’t know which end is up. I’m not sleeping, which is not good, I hope that gets better soon. It’s really just a lot on my mind right now keeping me awake. So many moving parts and changes and it hurts my brain.
So I found out yesterday the other assistant manager at my job is moving to FL. The good part about that is my new boss asked me if I would rather manage what I have been hired for ( utilization review piece) or take the discharge planner role. Discharge planning is definitely my strong suit and I find it way more interesting, ( lots of problem solving, which I’m good at) so I chose that. The bad news is, management of that department is all new, including my boss ( I know her from my current hospital, but she’s new to the role). Work will be a challenge, but I’m ready for it.
I went out the other night for another nurse leaving on my unit and it was a lot of fun. Such a great crew. Everyone’s favorite doctor came out and I told him I was leaving as well and he said “ all the smart funny people are leaving” they will still invite me out, I know it. I also believe my coworkers are planning something me on the 21st.
I decided to take a break from social media. It’s been good. I realized I am just always scrolling and some things I see sometimes seriously just doesn’t make me feel good. I am busy for sure, but at night I’m lonely for adult company. And sadly enough, social media doesn’t make you feel so alone. It’s like someone else there. It’s pathetic, but it’s true. But I’m too addicted to mindlessly scrolling. So it’s gone for now. Might just log on to give my D a happy birthday on the gram. She likes that. So, I went to the book store, decided to focus on reading again, it was always my favorite relaxing hobby. Lots of projects around the house to do when I have energy. I just need to get back to basics .
Lots of other deep thinking lately at 2am. I wish more than anything I didn’t care about being single. About not having that kind of intimacy in my life. I don’t want to want it anymore. But I am just human and it’s been tooooooo many years and I miss the Emotional intimacy so much. But I’m not finding it, and I’m becoming emotionally wrecked as I try to find it. I’m working on accepting I may not get it. It has not been easy. But I don’t really have a other choice . Some days carrying everything is just too much alone. I’ve been crying more often than I care too.
I have a friend at work who is divorced for like 5 years now. She has a boyfriend of nearly 2 years, but they haven’t involved their kids and don’t see eachother often . Her ex husband keeps going back to drugs. She is raising 2 daughters alone. One is pretty ungrateful. And she just puts those kids before anything all the time. We decided we are going to move in together, lol. We were joking around, but seriously, it would be awesome. More single parents should move in together. My D used to watch a Tv show on the Disney channel like that, and it just made so much sense .
D will be 15 next week. I am amazed I made it this far, lol. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth it.
