Stuck in limbo II

[Doug54]

Doug -

Steve is very wise. It would do you good to listen to him. He has helped me very much over the years.

I have been IHS for almost 4 years. This can give you some idea of how long a time-line we are talk9ng about. Where S and I are now is much better than before but it is nowhere near what would be considered an R. We are cordial and friendly. That's the extent of it.

I'm open to any possibility at this point. How I got here is by distancing myself without being rude or unkind or unfriendly. Not asking questions. Talking less. Meditating. Realizing I can only control my own actions. Going to IC. Reading etc. It's a tricky balance but it is possible, and these are all things you could try as well.

The question is this: what do you want to do?

Best

IW

That is insane, dude. I cannot imagine. Would you mind sharing any details about how that came to be? I mean, I'm glad you stated things are cordial and friendly, but...ugh. That sounds like hell on earth, especially given LH19's assurances that we will all feel better once limbo is over (meaning divorce a lot of the time, but yeah...). I also miss the companionship aspect of being married and doing things together, which has fallen by the wayside for me.

To your question - what do I want to do? I stated earlier in the thread that I hoped to better myself, be a good and present father, and make changes that would benefit me in my next relationship. I just don't see W emerging from this MLC any time soon, or ever settling for not seeing if the grass is greener on the other side. Right now I'm resigned to the status quo for a while, unless W suddenly rents an apartment. Stated today, I don't plan to be the one to file or break anything that can't be put back together again (figuratively).

That's more or less where I am. I welcome your thoughts.

[Doug54]

IW.....I have asked that same question a couple times myself....

To summerize....

My wife did this so I did this...

My wife did this so I did that....

It's early still though....

Hopefully he can see how much focus is on her instead of himself....


I also did an in-home thing, for two and a half years....


Aloof, yet available, was my way....

Yeah, my attempts at detachment have left a lot to be desired. I don't know if I'll ever be in the clear while we're living in the same house.

Were those two-and-a-half years rough for you? Or were you sufficiently aloof and detached to the point where you cruised by? Did you and your W interact at all then?

[BL42]

Yeah you have young kids and at 43 you have lots of time to think about your future. Ride this puppy out and boink her if she wants to keep doing it. Just shows you are not a monster. Only a psycho would boink a monster right? Make the changes you need to make and enjoy the remaining 100% of the time you have with the kids. IHS gets easier once you officially wave the white flag and surrender to the unknown. You won’t feel like this forever and you will be happier in the long run.

Wanted to follow up on this one...

Definitely agree with LH on not rushing into anything due to the young kids and a lot of time, but in terms of continuing to have sex with her you better be really careful there. First, be safe from an STD perspective because I hate to say this but you can't be certain what she's done. Second, you better be absolutely sure you're 100% detached and have fully accepted the marriage might be over (I.e., "waved the white flag). Easier said than done when you're still having sex with the mother of your children. A lot of LBSs think they're detached and accepting, but then something that smacks them in the face and they realize they weren't. The sex can hurt your detachment and can be used as a way for her to manipulate you to keep you as a backup and to soften you up to get you to do what she wants in the separation/divorce.

If you can keep having sex and simply enjoy the physical act and know you're 100% detached and accepting, great...you do you. But easier said than done.

Just my $0.02.

[Doug54]

I am not sure what you mean here? If you mean did we have a separation agreement the answer is no. She wanted to nest and legally separate but I opted for divorce. I wanted a clean break.

What I meant was, did you embody the true spirit of IHS in that you and EXW were on different floors and didn't see each other (or whatever). From what I've heard, it's possible to basically fudge this as long as both parties sign on to it at the end. I honestly don't know what the norm is.

When she told her parents I knew there was no going back. Her dad really laid into her and she almost wavered. I am glad she didn't because I would be in a dead end miserable marriage right now.

So, you mentioned in a previous reply that it "wasn't that bad" once you accepted that things were over. How much did you and W do together / interact in the house / etc after that point? Did you guys do anything at all that normal couples do out - tennis, go to a restaurant just the two of you, etc.? Or was that part of of your marriage dead and buried?

Pure speculation here Doug. I think she may regret not trying harder. Our marriage was definitely broken but we had a lot in common and had fun together. It definitely needed a major overhaul. If she came back today and wanted another chance I would say no. I have zero faith she is capable of remorse and doing the work necessary to start over. Would I 100% write her off forever? Nah. We had some really good years together and were able to produce 2 AMAZING kids that will keep us bonded forever.

I have read a lot of your posts throughout the board, and it really feels like in your heart of hearts, you want the fairy tale ending with W. You should've swiped right on Bumble Either way, I am rooting for you, bud.

Thanks as always for the input.

[BL42]

Nah. I had to swipe left on her on Bumble a couple of months ago.

You should've swiped right on Bumble

LOL! I don't know about that! If she wants him back bad enough she knows where to find him.

[Doug54]

Well, tomorrow is my anniversary - 16 years. Yeah, I already put 16 in my signature, but tomorrow is the day. What's the proper protocol here given the circumstances? I'm assuming nothing. I could see W maybe mentioning it, but there won't be any cards or gifts. Actually, when things were fine, she wasn't that big on an anniversary gift from W to husband. Which was fine.

Any thoughts are welcomed.

[LH19]

First, be safe from an STD perspective because I hate to say this but you can't be certain what she's done.

Well when you get out in the dating world you can't be sure what the other person has done. Double bag it.

Second, you better be absolutely sure you're 100% detached and have fully accepted the marriage might be over (I.e., "waved the white flag). Easier said than done when you're still having sex with the mother of your children.

In IHS you are never going to be 100% detached. Mine as well get a little.

A lot of LBSs think they're detached and accepting, but then something that smacks them in the face and they realize they weren't.

This happens regardless of sex or no sex.

The sex can hurt your detachment and can be used as a way for her to manipulate you to keep you as a backup and to soften you up to get you to do what she wants in the separation/divorce.

Only if you let it. Remember a great 180 is learning to control your emotions.

If you can keep having sex and simply enjoy the physical act and know you're 100% detached and accepting, great...you do you. But easier said than done.

Doug you will know better than anyone what you can handle.

[BL42]

Well, tomorrow is my anniversary - 16 years. Yeah, I already put 16 in my signature, but tomorrow is the day. What's the proper protocol here given the circumstances? I'm assuming nothing. I could see W maybe mentioning it, but there won't be any cards or gifts. Actually, when things were fine, she wasn't that big on an anniversary gift from W to husband. Which was fine.

Any thoughts are welcomed.

No gifts, no cards, no flowers. Avoid the temptation of a grand gesture to "show her you care" and "win her back". If she mentions it smile and say "same to you" and then go out and hit the gym or go out to lunch with a friend.

Also, be prepared for a "no win" situation. I.e., if you do something nice for the anniversary she'll use that as an opportunity to remind you she's done and you're simply not listening to her which is "proof" she's right to leave, and if you don't do something for it she'll use that as "proof" you don't care and validation she is right to leave you.

[LH19]

So, you mentioned in a previous reply that it "wasn't that bad" once you accepted that things were over. How much did you and W do together / interact in the house / etc after that point? What I meant was, did you embody the true spirit of IHS in that you and EXW were on different floors and didn't see each other (or whatever). Did you guys do anything at all that normal couples do out - tennis, go to a restaurant just the two of you, etc.? Or was that part of of your marriage dead and buried?

Nah. Slept in same bed until she left hence the sex lol. Had dinners as a family for the kids. Everything else was completely separate. Though if she was out and was like getting a coffee she would text me to see if I wanted one.

I have read a lot of your posts throughout the board, and it really feels like in your heart of hearts, you want the fairy tale ending with W. You should've swiped right on Bumble Either way, I am rooting for you, bud.

As I have said now is not the time. I am enjoying other female companion ship right now. As BL put it, passing me a note in class saying "I like you" isn't going to cut it. They don't realize it but thy fuch over a lot of people (my family) in the process. If it ever did happen it would be many many years from now.

[IronWill]

IW.....I have asked that same question a couple times myself....

To summerize....

My wife did this so I did this...

My wife did this so I did that....

It's early still though....

Hopefully he can see how much focus is on her instead of himself....

I also did an in-home thing, for two and a half years....

Aloof, yet available, was my way....

Yes, very much the same here. I forget the poster here who gave me this advice

"The reason you are so tired is because you are fighting everything that is happening. It's happening anyway - stop fighting it."

It changed my whole outlook on everything. So I let it all go. Hardest thing to do, but you not if you take it one day at a time.

That is insane, dude. I cannot imagine. Would you mind sharing any details about how that came to be? I mean, I'm glad you stated things are cordial and friendly, but...ugh. That sounds like hell on earth, especially given LH19's assurances that we will all feel better once limbo is over (meaning divorce a lot of the time, but yeah...). I also miss the companionship aspect of being married and doing things together, which has fallen by the wayside for me.

To your question - what do I want to do? I stated earlier in the thread that I hoped to better myself, be a good and present father, and make changes that would benefit me in my next relationship. I just don't see W emerging from this MLC any time soon, or ever settling for not seeing if the grass is greener on the other side. Right now I'm resigned to the status quo for a while, unless W suddenly rents an apartment. Stated today, I don't plan to be the one to file or break anything that can't be put back together again (figuratively).

That's more or less where I am. I welcome your thoughts.

Doug -

First figure out what you want to do. Stand or no?

Then you make that decision again tomorrow.

Then the next day.

And the next. And the next. Etc.

And that's how you get to 4 years.

I'm not saying that will be what happens with you. Every person is different every relationship has different dynamics. You have kids, I don't Etc etc.

If I was you i would stop thinking about years from now and start re-reading the golden advice these vets are giving you. Take a breath. S isn't leaving soon, you said yourself. I would slow down and use the time to work on yourself. You can't use logic / your brain to solve your MR if your S wants out. So use it for something else.

And listen to LH he's also helped me tons.

As far as limbo being over, well life is limbo. Unless you get a memory wipe I don't see you ever not feeling something for an ex at some point down the road.

Best

IW