I was on a similar 2.5 year timeline from BD to D. Things were very tense until my W got the separation agreement signed and we had agreed on nesting. I was DBing and eventually her anger sub-sided. In retrospect, D was inevitable for us and she would never get the feelings like she wanted. Our relationship and interaction improved and we still had sex, but Recon was never really on the table. Nesting initially for a year worked because we both had free places to stay. Until you guys get something worked out its likely to be tense. Just always do what's good for you and the kids. Nesting isn't ideal, but I would not move out like she initially asked. Her mind was in a strange place and she would do anything to get away if that makes sense. Very tense for her emotionally. Eventually, W got her own place and I stayed, but we had to separate finances then. I wanted to hold that off until the end so she didn't know how much money she was needing. Anyways...for me I can't see living with someone that wants to leave, but just do what is best for you and the kids.
Thanks, Greenman. I hope to stay away from nesting although it feels like W may want to expedite the timeline for getting out. Who knows for sure. She has a decent existence now with me more or less enabling her to eat cake while things shake out. Between your post and LH19’s, I’m starting to see a template for how my situation may play out. You’re both right - it’s not fun living with someone who wants out, though as of this moment, it’s best for the kids & W doesn’t have an exit strategy.
Nesting - I considered it at first but realized pretty quick it is not the way the go. I think part of it is just delaying the inevitable to an extent. Don't agree to it. She can move out if she wants space. Don't move out. Stay in the MB come hell or high water during the IHS. And hell may come knocking. Don't leave man.
MC - stop going. It's not going to help right now. Tell W you don't think it will help right now if she wants to know why you decline. Leave it at that. No R talks. STFU.
IC - keep going. I would not be talking to your W about what is discussed in IC or that you are even going to IC. It's for you, not her. STFU.
Your W has been in an EA/PA for a year or longer. You don't think you caught it on Day 1 right? First evidence November '21 means it started much earlier in all likelihood. Still going strong you say?
About getting caught up in the "I'm not going to be the one to end the MR/file D/etc." syndrome. Look I get this is a DB site. Maybe some feel better years later, being able to say "hey I wasn't the one to end it..." "I was the one who tried..." I get it. I didn't file. There was no EA/PA as far as I knew and I was digging. I had a WAW. It took her about 5 months to file after BD. She said several times "we need to file" and I said I wasn't filing anything, go ahead and file if you want. I moved at my pace during the whole process. I've got my thoughts re filing in an EA/PA sitch but they wouldn't exactly be in line with DBing per se.
Strength is mental toughness and emotional control. Establishing and enforcing boundaries. Having a plan and executing. Being decisive. Not accepting less than what you believe you deserve or want. Self-evaluating and improving where necessary. Answering the call to adventure. It is defined by your actions in every instance in life you encounter.
Read Sandi's Rules. It's a long list I know. Look, what can really help you achieve or comply with them, at least significantly, is to focus on one thing - GAL. As Steve would say, you are "BUSY BUSY BUSY". If you are in full-on GAL mode, you will not have much time with or exposure to W to torpedo yourself with self-inflicted Rule violations. But remember GAL is for YOU. So are 180's. These changes are not to win W back and if you have that mindset she is likely to sniff it out quick. If you have the mindset of "showing off" your 180's or GAL to the W, she'll probably know it's just tactics. You truly have to do these things for YOU and NGAF whether she even notices. You can't be looking to her for approval of what the New Doug is doing. There is much hand-wringing about "but if we're not living together how will she ever see my 180's!!??" You have to get to the place where you don't care. You're working on you, not her.
I see you've got some stuff about a joint checking acct., boob job, who gets the house, etc. You have got to get with a L and get a game plan together. How do you define yourself? Would you say you are pretty intelligent? Smart guys get with a L and game plan based on the law and the details of their sitch. Get two steps ahead of W , don't be lagging my friend.
Please start a new thread and link your threads together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Between your post and LH19’s, I’m starting to see a template for how my situation may play out.
Those are certainly possible--trying to stand is no guarantee of reconciliation. Study the situations of members who got to reconciliation as well if that's your goal. What worked? What didn't?
Originally Posted by Doug54
She has a decent existence now with me more or less enabling her to eat cake
Originally Posted by PuppyDogTails
To me, "cake-eating" is when a wayward spouse gets some of their physical and emotional needs met by their OW/OM, while some of their other emotional, sometimes physical, and usually financial needs are being met by their betrayed spouse, without condition or consequence. When this condition is reached, there is really no incentive for the adulterous spouse to stop their infidelity, because they are "having their cake, and eating it, too."
<Some> are just plain "afraid to make her/him mad," and are not really feeling good at all about what's being done to them.
It's helpful to consider what cake eating is. The above's a decent working definition. Consider all the ways you allow cake-eating, especially where you're nicing her instead of getting a fair trade.
