Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Doug54 #2936368 07/20/22 07:45 PM
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 165
Likes: 1
D
Doug54 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 165
Likes: 1
Thanks to everyone who chimed in with thoughts. To update:

Attended MC with W yesterday before hitting the road on a previously planned trip with the kids. I'm well aware of the consensus on MC when it's not explicitly in a restorative capacity, but I found myself drifting and detaching heavily the past few days and thought I may well be arriving on the same page as W that something needed to be done. I was getting tired of taking an emotional backset to whomever the EA partner was.

The MC session started off ok enough. We both pretty much agreed that we were open to discussing separation options. This particular MC has experience in helping to facilitate "transitions." Unfortunately, I more or less went off the deep end by launching into W about her affair. I believe it came after the counselor was asking about the "best interests" of the children as far as whom might leave the house to begin a separation. The younger two kids gravitate more to W than me. So my ire was about being in this situation at all...in other words, why should I be tasked with leaving?

We got to a point where the scheduled trip felt on the verge of not being able to happen. The counselor spent probably the last 10-15 minutes of the session cooling things off and asking if we could hold it together for the kids (it goes without saying, and logic would dictate, that this could be the final trip we take; I'm typing this from our hotel). We both agreed that the trip should go forward. Fortunately the car ride was not the powder keg I envisioned it might've been.

When the session ended, we scheduled another appointment, but I'm probably going to back out of it. For anyone who may want to chastise me about even letting that MC meeting happen, again, I thought I was inching towards the door of separation, just like W. I'm still uncertain and conflicted. I don't think things will get better without W getting a taste of separated life. And even then, who knows. The two biggest factors for me right now are maintaining the two-parent stability in the house for the kids and of course, the comfort and familiarity of my own home that I bought and have worked on. W and I are both on the mortgage, to be fair. And yes, I am weak and still accepting the sexual crumbs that fall my way on a pretty consistent basis.

FWIW, the trip has settled in nicely despite some unfortunate vitriol last night after the kids were put to bed. W needed to have it out with me a little bit after what I said in the MC session, but I probably didn't do the greatest job of validating. I'm just too hung up on what Sandi typed a while back, about a WW dodging responsibility for an affair by pointing to past marriage shortcomings.

Many thanks to all who have posted on my situation and please keep the feedback coming.


Me:43 W:43
M:16 T:18
SD:21 SS:18
S:14 S:8 S:5
Doug54 #2936370 07/20/22 08:28 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by Doug
Unfortunately, I more or less went off the deep end by launching into W about her affair. I probably didn't do the greatest job of validating. I'm just too hung up on what Sandi typed a while back, about a WW dodging responsibility for an affair by pointing to past marriage shortcomings.

Hi Doug,

It's normal for you to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed. Seriously, we've all been there, and most of us at some point lashed out. Of course, lashing out at her shoves your W away from unsafe AngryDoug and towards safe OM. This isn't TheWay whether your goal is to bring her closer to R OR get her to agree to the best possible D terms. Steve mentioned how valuable IC is as a way for you to get stronger and deal with your rollercoaster of emotions. There's also fitness and meditation. Get your head in a place where you can follow Sandi's rules (have you read them?), GAL, and 180.

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,679
Likes: 177
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,679
Likes: 177
Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by Doug
Unfortunately, I more or less went off the deep end by launching into W about her affair. I probably didn't do the greatest job of validating. I'm just too hung up on what Sandi typed a while back, about a WW dodging responsibility for an affair by pointing to past marriage shortcomings.

Hi Doug,

It's normal for you to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed. Seriously, we've all been there, and most of us at some point lashed out. Of course, lashing out at her shoves your W away from unsafe AngryDoug and towards safe OM. This isn't TheWay whether your goal is to bring her closer to R OR get her to agree to the best possible D terms. Steve mentioned how valuable IC is as a way for you to get stronger and deal with your rollercoaster of emotions. There's also fitness and meditation. Get your head in a place where you can follow Sandi's rules (have you read them?), GAL, and 180.
^What Traveler said.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Doug54 #2936372 07/20/22 08:59 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,679
Likes: 177
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,679
Likes: 177
Doug54,
Originally Posted by Doug54
Originally Posted by Elbereth
For me, the only choices I had were to move on from the MR or to remain in a relationship with him and his AP.
Starting to feel like this for me, though the AP is over the phone - texting and whatnot. No signs of slowing or stopping from what I can tell.
You have to wrap you mind around a realistic timeline. It's very unlikely to change day-by-day. Think long term. "This is a marathon not a sprint". Right now you may be thinking each day seems like a month but in a year or two you'll look back and see how quickly time went by.

Originally Posted by Doug54
That train is leaving the station on my end (W has not only a consultation for breast augmentation set, but an appointment date in a few months as well). I'm pretty sure she has gotten a Care Credit account in her name only, but at the moment we still have a joint checking account.
Did you consult a L yet? Get the information you need to reassure and protect yourself on the financial front.

Originally Posted by Doug54
Is this another term for in-home separation? Or where a common apartment (for example) is rented, and one parent is in the home while the other resides in the apartment, taking turns? W is very interested in this idea after hearing about it from some newly separated friends. I have mixed feelings about it and believe at least one poster on here recommended against it. On the other hand, it wouldn't completely involve me vacating my own home. It's not a long-term solution but perhaps equitable for a time.
DO NOT, under any circumstances, agree to a "Nesting" situation where you're switching weeks on and off between the home and a rented apartment. Almost every vet on the board will agree on that. Listen to the advice and read others sitches who agreed to nesting. How is your detachment going to be coming back to sleep in the house she brings another guy into? You shouldn't move out at all - if she wants to leave, she can, but it's your house.

Originally Posted by Doug54
Unfortunately, I more or less went off the deep end by launching into W about her affair. I believe it came after the counselor was asking about the "best interests" of the children as far as whom might leave the house to begin a separation. The younger two kids gravitate more to W than me. So my ire was about being in this situation at all...in other words, why should I be tasked with leaving?
So Traveler nailed it, but this is a big no-no. #1 rule of BD'ing is no R talks and no fights/outbursts. It's totally understandable you'd be furious about the EA, but you need to get stronger emotionally and not let it show. Be cool, calm and collected. Project strength. Don't let anything phase you (at least visibly, fake it till you make it if you have to). Be mysterious and coy and have a wry smile. Make her wonder what you're thinking and why you're not begging her.

Originally Posted by Doug54
I thought I was inching towards the door of separation, just like W. I'm still uncertain and conflicted.
Your emotions are going to go back and forth. Don't make any rash decisions. Take time to let the emotions settle and think logitically.

Originally Posted by Doug54
I don't think things will get better without W getting a taste of separated life.
It's likely she's going to feel great and enjoy the freedom for awhile. Usually they're loving life...at first.

Originally Posted by Doug54
The two biggest factors for me right now are maintaining the two-parent stability in the house for the kids and of course, the comfort and familiarity of my own home that I bought and have worked on.
You have to accept you have no control over this. If she moves out, you can't stop her. But don't be the one to move out.

Originally Posted by Doug54
And yes, I am weak and still accepting the sexual crumbs that fall my way on a pretty consistent basis.
Time to get strong. Do you want to be having sex with your W who is involved with another man?

Doug54 - Hang in there. It's going to be a rollercoaster ride. Work on getting stronger emotionally. You will be fine, either way. You can do this.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
1 member likes this: Traveler
Doug54 #2936381 07/21/22 05:08 AM
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 351
Likes: 32
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 351
Likes: 32
Hi Doug,

A little more on my situation. My XH said he wanted a divorce and I kicked him out. It was only after he left that I discovered he was having an affair. He actually left to meet her and the EA turned into a PA (if it hadn’t been already). It may have been going on as an EA for over 6 mos or so, and when confronted, he still insisted he wanted a D. He lived away for a while, but would come spend the night when we had the kids…being they are his bio children…seemed appropriate. He’d stay in the basement. After some time, I talked him into staying at the home as we were not divorced and expenses were still being shared, so I felt it was costing too much money. Also, I hoped that having him close and doing my 180s, etc, might help shift him out of it and he’d agree to work on things. That went on for months until we both moved out to have the home remodeled to sell…

Why I’m telling you this is to show that there are many paths that one can take in the timing of separation/divorce. The critical thing that I think you need to get figured out is financial. So talk to your lawyer. Maybe come up with an agreement on financials/spending during this transition. In my case, I had put everything towards the family and the marriage, and in the end…in the divorce, those funds were just gone. If I had put more funds towards my own retirements or other accounts, I would have been better off. So protect yourself. Especially being a step-parent…we already get the raw end of the legal deal there.

Also, your emotions are going to be all over the place. All the more reason to not make rash decisions. So, you got angry and ‘slipped’…do better the next time. But at the same time be kind to yourself. This all takes time. It’s a lot. You are going to mess up. That’s okay. Pick yourself up and just keep moving forward.

My D took longer to happen because 1) I didn’t want to be the one to file 2) I hoped he might allow some opportunity for reconciliation, 3) I wasn’t in a good state of mind and was barely holding it all together. Then he dragged his feet…but after a while he still pushed for the D. If I felt that there was anything to salvage, I may have stayed standing. But not when he made no effort to end his AF and insisted he was done. And he also was stealing money. But that was my situation. Everyone has their own limits and own path. And there is no rush to find your way. Control what you can control. Talk to your lawyer and protect yourself in the short term and give yourself the time you need for the longer term stuff to come.

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



BL42 #2936382 07/21/22 07:58 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 574
Likes: 5
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 574
Likes: 5
Originally Posted by BL42
[quote=Doug54]That train is leaving the station on my end (W has not only a consultation for breast augmentation set, but an appointment date in a few months as well). I'm pretty sure she has gotten a Care Credit account in her name only, but at the moment we still have a joint checking account.
Did you consult a L yet? Get the information you need to reassure and protect yourself on the financial front.

^^This!

Sorry you are here Doug!! Worst time of my life.
You are getting good advice.
I can relate to the uneasiness and “dilly dally” limbo you are in.

IMO you asap need to talk to an L, DO NOT have sex, find your strong consistent path and make yourself unavailable.

Strong and consistent for me was a routine of IC, heavy gym workouts, work, dinner and activities with friends, DIY on house (in particular the kids rooms).

Happy to answer any questions you may have.
Also, my thread may be interesting to you, if you have the time.

Last edited by Mumin; 07/21/22 07:59 AM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Doug54 #2936395 07/21/22 09:36 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,674
Likes: 1
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,674
Likes: 1
Doug,

Sorry about your situation.

I would not attend MC.

I would go live an interesting life and learn and exhibit attractive behaviors. I would be "private" about my phone, where I was going, and who I was with.

Tell yourself every day that this may be the last day of your marriage. Prepare for that possibility.

Don't get caught up in what she's doing. Decide your breaking point and follow through even when it's hard.

Also don't worry about moving out (for either of you two), you're not there yet.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
BL42 #2936406 07/22/22 01:40 AM
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 165
Likes: 1
D
Doug54 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 165
Likes: 1
Thanks, BL42.

Quote
DO NOT, under any circumstances, agree to a "Nesting" situation where you're switching weeks on and off between the home and a rented apartment. Almost every vet on the board will agree on that. Listen to the advice and read others sitches who agreed to nesting. How is your detachment going to be coming back to sleep in the house she brings another guy into? You shouldn't move out at all - if she wants to leave, she can, but it's your house.
What are some of the other reasons there's such an outcry against nesting? I mean, I get the main one, but it would seem like if you could agree on a "no sex with others rule" that it would at least get both parents into the house on a rotation. I'm not saying I'm smitten with it, just asking.

Quote
Doug54 - Hang in there. It's going to be a rollercoaster ride. Work on getting stronger emotionally. You will be fine, either way. You can do this.
Appreciate the vote of confidence. Yes, it's a rollercoaster ride in real time...I'm living it. Swinging like a pendulum between hope and derision on this trip that I alluded to, which has meant being closely tied to W (and kids) much more than at home.


Me:43 W:43
M:16 T:18
SD:21 SS:18
S:14 S:8 S:5
Doug54 #2936407 07/22/22 01:48 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,175
Likes: 301
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,175
Likes: 301
Lol. Rules. Doug think of this as Thunder Road in the movie Grease when crater face says “the rules are there are no rules”.

We’ve had LBS finding used condoms and anal beads in the love nests trash cans.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 165
Likes: 1
D
Doug54 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2022
Posts: 165
Likes: 1
Sorry to hear the additional details of your situation, Elbereth. The refusal to end the affair coupled with stealing funds on your husband's part sounds maddening. I agree with the part about not wanting to be the one to file for D, at least as of now (for my own situation).

Quote
Why I’m telling you this is to show that there are many paths that one can take in the timing of separation/divorce
I appreciate reading this. I guess no two situations are truly alike, although there are surely similarities that others can relate to.

Quote
Also, your emotions are going to be all over the place. All the more reason to not make rash decisions. So, you got angry and ‘slipped’…do better the next time. But at the same time be kind to yourself. This all takes time. It’s a lot. You are going to mess up. That’s okay. Pick yourself up and just keep moving forward.
Thanks for adding this. Sometimes it's hard to remember all the tenets of the tried and true DB playbook. Probably everyone who comes to this site wants the same outcome, at least initially.

Quote
Everyone has their own limits and own path. And there is no rush to find your way. Control what you can control
I'm terrible with just taking one day at a time and often immediately rush to the worst case scenario. Granted, a lot of the situations on this board do end in the "worst case." (I suppose the true worst case would be death, but you know what I mean.)

How are things between you and your ex-husband today?


Me:43 W:43
M:16 T:18
SD:21 SS:18
S:14 S:8 S:5
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard