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The vacation you described will be locked into your kids' memories for a lifetime. Good stuff, BL. Good, good stuff!

Originally Posted by BL42
Also, I did notice lots of other families there vacationing at our beach spot who all seemed to be coupled up - not sure there are any other single parents there - it would sure be nice to have a partner to share in the experience and lighten the load. But out of my control. I also thought back to times when ExW & I were on the same beach with then S4 / D1, even naming D there on a walk before she was born. That seems like ages ago now due to everything that has transpired, but really wasn't all that long ago. But a few occasions of sadness didn't soil the trip which was great overall.

Yeah, I remember feeling that way at son's baseball and hockey games post BD/D. It was especially hard when I compared it to pre-BD life. I found it much better to just focus on the activity at hand and stay strictly in the moment.


Originally Posted by BL42
Saturday when I dropped the kids off at ExW's, OM2 was out in the yard working on the house. It still riles me up to see him around. I know it shouldn't, but I'm just not there yet, and I drove away spinning a bit emotionally. Also that night after the buzz/high of the two week vacation activities the quiet and loneliness of my house felt like a bit of a low and none of my friends were available to hang out so that got me a bit down.
I cannot imagine what it feels like to have an interloper in the home you created for your family.
I remember exh missing his scheduled time with son, so I'd end up with three weeks in a row - yay! - then then emptiness when exh came back and got the boy. The way I coped was to volunteer at a local wildlife educational facility that had long interested me. I would come home so exhausted, yet exhilarated from interacting with the animals that I only had energy to shower, have dinner and go to sleep. It was my way of coping.

Originally Posted by BL42
However, Sunday I met my buddy and his wife and some friends of theirs at a local music fest with with tons of bands in various locations in a neighborhood which was a lot of fun. I saw random neighbors, co-workers, and friends, and did a good bit of socializing. That broke my funk from the night before. What I thought would be a 2-3 hour event turned into 6-7 with me feeling reinvigorated. Good times.
Great job! I'm proud of you for getting out and GAL... it's easy to sit in the $h!t ... harder to do what you did.
Originally Posted by BL42
He also mentioned he's planning to set me up with a friend's SIL is a doctor and single mom with a 4-5yo daughter who lives in town and looked pretty cute from the picture. So that would be cool. Though I've heard about a half dozen set ups in the past year and none of them have come to fruition so...time will tell if anything comes of it. I deleted all my OLD profiles 2-3 months ago because it wasn't serving me well and I'm glad for the break there, but at some point may start anew.

Keep us posted on meetups in the wild. You know how I feel about OLD.
Originally Posted by BL42
Anyway, back to the grind at work today and bracing for the school year and Fall sports. As always, loving my kiddos and making them my main focus...
You're a great father BL ... do the kids play soccer in the fall?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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Ginger1,
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Wow! 2 weeks! That must have been a lot fun, and exhausting, lol.
It was incredible...and definitely exhausting. A coworker said to me "the beach, that sounds so relaxing!" LOL!!!

Originally Posted by Ginger1
BTW, when my daughter was 3 it was meltdown city. Girls are a lot, lol. Long days, son water, playtime all the time, it gets hard to transition to having to listen when they have to listen.
Thanks for that. It's so difficult to deal with at times. I just try to be loving but strong. Hug her and reassure her but also don't give in to every demand just because she's melting down. I hope I'm doing what's best for her.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I see alot of people couples up too. Is it common to be a single parent with young kids? No. So you notice it more when you see young kids around. Sounds like you did fantastic though.
Thanks! I appreciate your words.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
So, I have one question for you: Taylor ham or pork roll?
Hmmm...so tempted to answer that with a question of my own! But still keeping my specifics ambiguous. I see a lot of you here interact IRL. Maybe soon...

bttrfly,

Originally Posted by bttrfly
The vacation you described will be locked into your kids' memories for a lifetime. Good stuff, BL. Good, good stuff!
Thanks! Fun times and great memories. That's what it's all about, right?

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Yeah, I remember feeling that way at son's baseball and hockey games post BD/D. It was especially hard when I compared it to pre-BD life. I found it much better to just focus on the activity at hand and stay strictly in the moment.
That's part of the reason I've been volunteering to coach son's sports. The main reason is enjoying the shared experience with him and keeping even more of an "off week" presence (plus it really is fun), but it also keep's me engaged in the event and not standing on the sidelines next to ExW. I already here her laughing loud and chatting it up from the field. Don't need to be closer to that.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I cannot imagine what it feels like to have an interloper in the home you created for your family.
It's awful. I hate it. That's probably the hardest part of this whole situation...seeing another man - a man who was with my wife while we were married - interact and have influence on my kids.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I remember exh missing his scheduled time with son, so I'd end up with three weeks in a row - yay! - then then emptiness when exh came back and got the boy.
I think there is a bit of a high and a low. A bit like how a drug addiction is described. The high of being so busy with the kids on vacation and having so much fun for two weeks, and then...crash in an empty quiet house.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
The way I coped was to volunteer at a local wildlife educational facility that had long interested me. I would come home so exhausted, yet exhilarated from interacting with the animals that I only had energy to shower, have dinner and go to sleep. It was my way of coping.
I volunteered at a soup kitchen on Christmas last year to get my mind off missing the Holiday with the kids. Definitely GAL is key whether it's hitting the gym, or being social, or volunteering.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Keep us posted on meetups in the wild. You know how I feel about OLD.
Time will tell! LOL. A half dozen friends have floated "set ups" over the past year but nothing's come to fruition yet. There are two women hovering a bit on social media lately DM'ing me about posts of the kids - I get the distinct sense they're interested - but not sure I am. I should probably just keep it light and go on some casual dates, but I have a tendency to look for those I see as having more serious potential.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
You're a great father BL ... do the kids play soccer in the fall?
Thanks bttrfly! I really do appreciate the kind words. This is S7's third year playing...and my third year coaching! He plays Fall/Winter/Spring and I coach his baseball team in Spring too. His first Fall in soccer they asked for any parents willing to help out so I volunteered as a way to be more present in his life...and have loved it. He even asks me (without prompting) at the end of the season if I'm going to coach next year! That will likely end at some point, so I'm taking advantage of it while it lasts.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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So today would have been my 9th wedding anniversary.

I had no idea. I honestly didn't even realize. Perhaps that shows more detachment/progress? This afternoon my mom texted both me directly and our family text group about thinking of me, sadness, and a healing heart, but she'll send out quotes, prayers, and thoughts from time to time somewhat randomly so today's significance did not even register with me until a little later she texted again explicitly referencing the date and it clicked.

I didn't really feel sad or depressed. More annoyed that my mom would raise the topic with me and get me sidetracked on the topic when it hadn't even been on my radar. But I know she's hurting deeply in this process as well - not only seeing her son hurt and betrayed, but losing someone she thought was a close friend as well in my ExW - plus she obviously sent the messages out of love.

I do not long for ExW or pine for her at this point. Who knows, but my guess is if we didn't have kids I wouldn't have communicated with her for a year and a half now, maybe two. I do miss the partner and nuclear family, and I do still have anger over the betrayal and the impact to the kids. It would certainly be easier not to have to drop them off at her place and know OM2 is influencing their lives. But then if we hadn't had kids I'd miss out on S7 and D3. So how can I wish it didn't happen?

Some interesting tidbits over the past week since returning from vacation, but nothing of major significance...

Friends of mine mentioned they had an appointment with a former coworker of ExW and have other mutual friends and she mentioned ExW no longer works there but helps out occasionally teaching. Gave the impression she's still part of the team, but it's my understanding from people that would know that the team voted her off the unit and she got stuck in an undesirable assignment and was encouraged to look elsewhere. It's odd because this woman is a devoted Christian married with five girls and reached out to encourage me to work on the marriage even while ExW was having the affair...and I know they even hooked up in her office. I just brushed off my friends' "update" and didn't get into any of these details with them.

My mom had an appointment with a different former coworker who told her OM2 has gotten into trouble yet again for improper relations at work and may finally get fired this time. And I know my ExW wasn't the first time. This person claims she left that unit to get away from the "cesspool", that she knew ExW and warned her about this guy and saw her "downfall" coming. She asked my mom if she had ever seen him and said he's a scumbag and ugly and don't understand why women get with him, and that the whole unit hope he gets fired. Anyway, I told my mom I don't know what to say, that it doesn't matter now anyway, ExW is living with OM2 for a long time regardless, and that we have to look forward and not back. My mom said she just told me because "she didn't want to keep secrets; full disclosure"

So who knows. I'm in no way seeking this info out. Maybe I should be more explicit with folks I'd prefer not to know this stuff, but it is a little sensitive with my mom because she then might not be sure what she "should" tell me (e.g., kids info).

Also, for those of you who remember my awkward silent walk down the hall post-parent/teacher conference last school year. Last week we had a parent orientation at D3's preschool and we ended up sitting close to each other to share the pamphlet (one per family) and discussing plans and then afterwards talking logistics for the Fall and I ended up sharing a few videos from vacation. Part of me felt wrong or dirty interacting nicely with ExW who would betray me and breakup our family and do some of the most awful things you could do for a spouse, but again going back to the kids I suppose it's best for them we have cordial / friendly interactions when the situation calls for it.

Finally, last drop off S7 saw boys playing baseball at one of her neighbors' house and ask her if he could run over and play. D3 asked if she could too, but ExW told her the boys were playing but they could hang out with OM2's nieces (also neighbors). It did make me a bit sad they're putting down roots over there. But it is good they're developing friendships and interacting social with kids their age. So again...it's good for the kids and dad has to get over his emotions of the divorce situation.

Anyway...that's my week leading up to what would've been my 9th anniversary. I like to think I'm crushing it as a dad and making progress on myself, hopefully processing through this whole situation and "new normal".


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
My mom had an appointment with a different former coworker who told her OM2 OM1 has gotten into trouble yet again for improper relations at work and may finally get fired this time. And I know my ExW wasn't the first time. This person claims she left that unit to get away from the "cesspool", that she knew ExW and warned her about this guy and saw her "downfall" coming. She asked my mom if she had ever seen him and said he's a scumbag and ugly and don't understand why women get with him, and that the whole unit hope he gets fired. Anyway, I told my mom I don't know what to say, that it doesn't matter now anyway, ExW is living with OM2 for a long time regardless, and that we have to look forward and not back. My mom said she just told me because "she didn't want to keep secrets; full disclosure"
^Typo above. ExW's former coworker told my mom news about OM1, not OM2.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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BL42, good update. It sounds like you're realizing the LBS script villainizing OM (in this case OM2 who came after your XW was already done with the marriage) is about as productive as the WAS script villainizing LBS, whether or not there's truth to either script. There are more benefits to a cordial relationship between you and your XW.

It's okay to set boundaries on well-intentioned people telling you "downfall" stories about your XW and OM to try to make you feel better. "Thank you, but I'd prefer not to talk about XW or OM."

Originally Posted by BL42
she then might not be sure what she "should" tell me (e.g., kids info).
Is it really that complicated?

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Hey 42...

I think you are right where you are supposed to be for today....

You are seeing both sides of the road, while staying on yours.

The blessings, the anger/resentment from it all.

In time, the anger will subside and the blessings will continue and eventually 'win' out.

I remember feeling very similarly, and a poster here named Bworl told me that if I didn't feel that way, then he would have more concern for me.

It's a normal part of seeing it all, before you deal with the emotions of it all....



As far as family ?

That's a razors edge my friend...

Allow what you can handle, dismiss what you can't. It's easy to forget that our families had created a relationship with our Exes also. They spent the same amount of years celebrating births, marriages, family events, etc with our past spouses.

So they have to grieve the loss of family as well, and if you throw fuel onto the Mama Bear, or Papa Bear, well....

Imagine how you feel when something threatens the well being of one of your kiddos...

You seem to have a good relationship with your family, so boundaries prolly aren't necessary, or maybe they are fairly soft.

Just a "hey, could we possibly not talk about her today? " if it isn't something you want to hear about. In time though, it will become nothing more than hearing about a neighbor or an old friend from high-school.

Keep going my friend....

All in due time....

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Originally Posted by BL42
Part of me felt wrong or dirty interacting nicely with ExW who would betray me and breakup our family and do some of the most awful things you could do for a spouse
To add, your XW was certainly dastardly to you. You have every reason to initially have anger to process, to see her as a witch, to want her to face comeuppance. It's great you've moved on as much as you have.

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Originally Posted by BL42
Part of me felt wrong or dirty interacting nicely with ExW who would betray me and breakup our family and do some of the most awful things you could do for a spouse, but again going back to the kids I suppose it's best for them we have cordial / friendly interactions when the situation calls for it.

I understand where you're coming from, and yes - it's always about putting the kids first.

Originally Posted by BL42
So who knows. I'm in no way seeking this info out. Maybe I should be more explicit with folks I'd prefer not to know this stuff, but it is a little sensitive with my mom because she then might not be sure what she "should" tell me (e.g., kids info).

I think boundaries are for us, even more than for the people with whom we set them. It's probably worthwhile to give some thought to what you are and are not comfortable knowing. I had to repeatedly set boundaries with my mom about my exh. In her case, it was because she lost someone she viewed as her son, not son-in-law, and didn't have any other way to really process that grief. I did have to tell her I knew where she was coming from but I couldn't be the person on the other end of the conversation helping her with that. You'll figure out what makes sense for you. I have faith.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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Originally Posted by BL42
So today would have been my 9th wedding anniversary.

I had no idea. I honestly didn't even realize. Perhaps that shows more detachment/progress?

Its a great feeling when you start forgetting dates like this, especially since how much you cling to dates at the start. I'd say its great progress.

Originally Posted by BL42
I do not long for ExW or pine for her at this point. Who knows, but my guess is if we didn't have kids I wouldn't have communicated with her for a year and a half now, maybe two. I do miss the partner and nuclear family, and I do still have anger over the betrayal and the impact to the kids. It would certainly be easier not to have to drop them off at her place and know OM2 is influencing their lives. But then if we hadn't had kids I'd miss out on S7 and D3. So how can I wish it didn't happen?

Completely understand here, but my guess is the more and more time passes, the less you'll give a fk. The best revenge...its what you're doing, working on yourself, taking your time, living an awesome life and being an even more awesome dad.

How do you feel about her BL?

Originally Posted by BL42
Also, for those of you who remember my awkward silent walk down the hall post-parent/teacher conference last school year. Last week we had a parent orientation at D3's preschool and we ended up sitting close to each other to share the pamphlet (one per family) and discussing plans and then afterwards talking logistics for the Fall and I ended up sharing a few videos from vacation. Part of me felt wrong or dirty interacting nicely with ExW who would betray me and breakup our family and do some of the most awful things you could do for a spouse, but again going back to the kids I suppose it's best for them we have cordial / friendly interactions when the situation calls for it.

I know how you feel when you say it feels wrong, but taking the high road and being unaffected feels good in the long run, which you seem to have been doing. Bitter is not fun nor is it attractive.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

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It's been over a month and a half since my last update. Between school starting for the kids and coaching soccer, it's been a fairly busy Fall.

The biggest note is D3 is now D4! She's getting to be such a little lady. I pulled off a fantastic Tinkerbell themed party for her with banners, streamers, balloons, and fairies all over the house, and my parents and sister's family came including my niece (D4's cousin) and we got a great picture of the two of them in their Disney Tinkerbell costumes. This month my niece had a birthday party (she turned 3) and it was ballerina themed party. Very cute...but poor S7 with all the fairies and ballerinas! LOL (he's actually a really good sport about it).

I have to admit I feel a great deal of pressure/stress/anxiety sometimes pulling these events together because I feel the need to make it "perfect" for the kids, probably guilt of the D and their situation going back and forth from houses (even if it wasn't my choice). Running up to her birthday D4 had mentioned several times wanting to go back to the water park for her birthday (I took them earlier this year for my 40th), and I try to fit everything in but there were too many logistics and I just couldn't make it happen that weekend. However, I did take them this month over a school and made a big deal we were going because it was her birthday wish and we had a great time. So I got it done and she loved it. I know those feelings of pressure/stress/anxiety to make it perfect for them are going to bubble up in me come with Christmas coming up as well. I need to learn it's ok not to fit in everything and make everything "perfect" for them and just go a little easier on myself and relax a bit. It's tough to handle all aspects of parenting without a partner. There's still all the responsibilities two parents would normally share (laundry, cooking, cleaning, buying clothes, yard work, kids activities...etc.) in BOTH houses, but it's just me. Granted, my parents have been a godsend so thankfully I have support.

I traveled to Florida for work earlier this month for a leadership F2F. It was great to spend time with folks I hadn't seen in 2-3 years, and even meet several for the first time ever in person. I also had a dinner and an afternoon on site with 3 of my employees who have been working for me for several years whom I had never met in person! Between budget issues a few years ago and then COVID, it's been challenging...I didn't even know what one of the guys looked like - but immediately recognized his voice. So that was a nice trip. I had been hoping to take the kids and my parents with me and enjoy the pools and parks down there, and then fly them back with my parents, but the logistics were too much - had to let that go. It was also odd to be making travel arrangements when a Cat4 hurricane was barreling down and the governor called a state of emergency, but things were settled down by our week and things went smoothly.

I've actively avoided asking for schedule changes with ExW because I just don't want to deal with it, but couldn't avoid it with this work trip. She's been accommodating in some instances - rearranged the schedule for my work trip and let me take the kids to my niece / their cousin's birthday party - but given me some grief in other areas. She wrote me this whole scathing email about how S7 shouldn't play soccer and baseball one Saturday (even though he enthusiastically wanted to) and how he got tired and cranky later at a event she arranged. In another case pushed back on her having to bring both of his jerseys to a scrimmage - but that's what all the players do, and really how difficult is that? - meanwhile I'm coordinating the whole team and coaching several times a week. So who knows, but I just to just brush those type of emails off and not let it impact my day.

On the personal front...I grew a beard! That's a 180 for me. I've almost always been clean-shaven or a little scruff but basically just stopped shaving after returning from the beach vacation two months ago other than a little clean up on the neck and cheeks. And it was getting a little bit unwieldly so I went to a barber to shape it this weekend. It's gotten A LOT of comments, all compliments. I joked half the town's been talking about. One example is last I went over to my buddy and his fiancés place to give them a gift. I haven't seen them in awhile and when I walked in his fiancé said "Oh wow BL42, I LIKE the beard. You HAVE to keep that.", but in like a way that was just a little too enthusiastic and my buddy made a comment about her compliment like "geez, settle down" lol.

No official dating going on - I deleted my OLD app profiles several months back - but have gotten some women reaching out indirectly. One is a mom I see at school pickup and I coached her son. She friended me on SM and started messaging me, throwing compliments my way both in person and on SM such as "nice haricut BL42", "you're an incredible dad, never seen a dad so involved", asked "are you trying to make me jealous with your Florida trip?", saying "I have to admit, that beard is working for you"...etc., but my impression was she's married, so when I got back from my work trip I asked what her status was and she said "it's complicated" and she asked me why I asked, so I said "well I thought you were married, so didn't want anything inappropriate" and she responded about how weird and awkward she felt now and how she didn't mean it that way at all and that people misunderstand her (but I'm pretty sure she did) and how she was going to delete the message and start over. But now she started messaging me again. I've seen her and the father of her kid being very separate at events and obviously something is going on between them, and she's reaching out to me (and perhaps others, who knows), but I want no part of even talking inappropriately if she's still married and if "it's complicated".

Anyway...I may jump back into OLD at some point. It feels weird, but had my buddy take my picture tee'ing off yesterday because I have ten thousand pictures of the kids over the last couple years but very few of me so I'm thinking a couple of me doing activities would be good.

So that's my deal...this week will be prepping for Halloween with the kiddos.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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