Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (2)

[Josh71]

I'll chime in and say that supporting D is a good tactic. I'm doing this now. I'm doing the leg work for mediation for a Parenting Plan, and I'm about to take lead on financial settlement. Pretty sure SteveLW raised this on my thread. PeterB, like you, my STBXW is seething anger because I'm not giving her the simple justification she desperately wants. By leading the D my way, she's also angry at not being in control, the fantasy D she envisaged is not there. It's typical for them to find anything to be upset about (I got an SMS about leaves in the pool. It's under a tree, that happens every day). Or to ask for something so they can get upset that it wasn't done, or done well.

This is all possible because I quickly realised how much happier I'll be with a D. I'm not intending to win her back. And it puts things on my terms, not hers. If you truely think you can live with D, then go for it. Show her what D looks like, and put things in motion. It's hard, I know. And you don't necessarily need to be quick. Just start the process. I'm not going to initiate the process to sell our house. She's the one complaining about being unable to live IHS. She can sell the house and move out if it's such a problem.

I don't know when the anger subsides (two months now for me), but I know it's a reflection of her, not me. In my first BD, when the anger subsided, she started to come around. But that doesn't always happen. My BD2 is different, and I'm prepared for anger for a long time.

[Ready2Change]

Setup another bed in the house and TELL HER to move into a different room, DONT ASK. “You’ve made it clear you aren’t in love with me, I respect that, you sleep in the study now.”

How you do this is very important. Most likely a good 180 for you. Every step is important. Let her be as emotional as she wants. You are the rock and can handle it. She could be angry. She could be happy.

Make your bedroom more manly is also a good idea.

[PeterB]

I think perhaps you should get some IC and really explore if you want to be with this person.

Sometimes, we feel like the marriage has worked in the past so surely it can work in the future. We want to keep our kids’ family together, and in that process of “validating”, we can fall into a trap of being unable to identify where the line in the sand is.

Yeah the line in the sand is very hard to identify. I am holding on to the thought you mentioned - that it has worked in the past - not knowing what that entails for the future even if she decides to stay. Currently she is hedging.

She’s being a b*tch because she wants you to leave her so it’s not her fault. It’s very simple, and common behaviour.

That will not happen due to these nasty behaviors alone. However, it may happen if this drags on for too long. For how long? I don't know. But I have been thinking that having another child will be great - 2 is what I always wanted, and it won't happen with her - she delayed the first one by years, which has been a negative undercurrent in our M. And then she wouldn't even discuss about having a 2nd one until my own unhappiness reached a point where I did not want to go through that with her. Then suddenly as recently as early Oct she told me we should think about a 2nd child. I did not say no but I did not commit either. And then in Dec she starts and A.

This is an important question, because if your account is true, she is an abuser and I think you should be just about there.

The account is milder than what actually happened. I did not write much about the content of her words. I once landed in emergency due to anxiety caused by her words.

2. Picture your best mate and his wife. Imagine he takes you out for beers and tells you his wife is doing this to him. What would you say?

Thanks for asking me these hard questions. I'm a bit scared of answering them. It's really family ideals and my ASD son's well-being that I am holding on to.

1. Avoid interaction with her as much as possible

She starts topics even if I am avoiding or not even in the same space (comes over).

2. Turn off social media

I am only on FB and I log in once every 3 or 4 days. I rarely post. Inevitably, her posts show up on top of my timeline. Today she posted about 10 pics, telling people to glimpse into her past few months - the pics were with her friends and son and none with me .

3. Turn your phone off if she’s text bombing you

I am able to just not read them and she knows I am not reading them (she messages on whatsapp). Turning off the phone will show a single tick on her app (meaning not delivered yet).

4. Zero sex under all circumstances

Trying to get there. She herself says she wants to stop and then she tries to seduce me in various ways.

I get that you can’t stamp out 100% of interactions with IHS and without blocking her phone etc. But there’s way too many opportunities for you two to interact. You need to absolutely minimise every possible chance.

We are in a pretty farcical IHS. Even if I try to minimize, she actively interacts. I have to pay more attention to this.

[BL42]

PeterB,

But I have been thinking that having another child will be great - 2 is what I always wanted, and it won't happen with her - she delayed the first one by years, which has been a negative undercurrent in our M.

Having another child should be about the last thing on your mind right now.

And then she wouldn't even discuss about having a 2nd one until my own unhappiness reached a point where I did not want to go through that with her.

Why do you think she didn't want a 2nd? Did your resentment about this impact the relationship?

Then suddenly as recently as early Oct she told me we should think about a 2nd child. I did not say no but I did not commit either. And then in Dec she starts and A.

Often times a person tries to "find happiness" through major life changes (affair, divorce, new kid...etc.), thinking these things will "make them happy", not realizing they have to look inward.

2. Turn off social media

I am only on FB and I log in once every 3 or 4 days. I rarely post. Inevitably, her posts show up on top of my timeline. Today she posted about 10 pics, telling people to glimpse into her past few months - the pics were with her friends and son and none with me .

Seems like an excuse. At least "unfollow" her so her posts don't pop up, causing you to spin.

I get that you can’t stamp out 100% of interactions with IHS and without blocking her phone etc. But there’s way too many opportunities for you two to interact. You need to absolutely minimise every possible chance.

We are in a pretty farcical IHS. Even if I try to minimize, she actively interacts. I have to pay more attention to this.

What are you doing to get out of the house and GAL?

[SteveLW]

PeterB, one of the mistakes LBSs often make is introducing another person into their situation. These situations are complicated enough, but when the LBS goes against wisdom and starts dating too soon, it just further complicates things. There are a lot of reasons for this, but trust me, it rarely ever makes things better.

In your case you are being tempted in your own mind, it seems, to be wanting another child. So that would be introducing 2 more people into your situation: a new mother (since you have already said it is impossible with your STBX) and the child. You will have plenty of time for that kind of thing later. Right now concentrate on moving your life forward, being the best dad you can be, and setting yourself up for future relationship success. There are no quick fixes, no bandaids to these things. It takes time and work to reach the next chapter of your life.

[PeterB]

And then she wouldn't even discuss about having a 2nd one until my own unhappiness reached a point where I did not want to go through that with her.

Why do you think she didn't want a 2nd? Did your resentment about this impact the relationship?

Even starting to try for the first child was a huge mental barrier for her. She wanted to prioritize career and has also been scared of getting pregnant. We had initially agreed to have a child 4 years earlier and she postponed. And just before we started trying, she wanted to postpone for another 2 years. The topic for the 2nd did not come up because our first got diagnosed with ASD and our M deteriorated slowly beginning 2021.

I don't have much resentment about not having the 2nd. Its only now that I think I settled for not having something that I really wanted.

What are you doing to get out of the house and GAL?

Gym, other physical activities, meeting friends (once a week), taking my son out for 1x1 time which I use to improve his gross motor and language skills.

[PeterB]

PeterB, one of the mistakes LBSs often make is introducing another person into their situation. These situations are complicated enough, but when the LBS goes against wisdom and starts dating too soon, it just further complicates things. There are a lot of reasons for this, but trust me, it rarely ever makes things better.

In your case you are being tempted in your own mind, it seems, to be wanting another child. So that would be introducing 2 more people into your situation: a new mother (since you have already said it is impossible with your STBX) and the child. You will have plenty of time for that kind of thing later. Right now concentrate on moving your life forward, being the best dad you can be, and setting yourself up for future relationship success. There are no quick fixes, no bandaids to these things. It takes time and work to reach the next chapter of your life.

Agreed. The thought came up when I asked myself why I should or should not stay married to her and what could be good after D if we ended in one.

[kml]

So she didn't really want kids and then had a child on the spectrum? That's a tough hand to be dealt.

Be aware that the odds of having a second child on the spectrum are higher after you've had one - from a 2017 study: "The sibling recurrence rate, defined as the probability of a child having ASD with 1 or more siblings with ASD, has been estimated to be 6.1% to 18.7%"

Would you have the energy and the means to deal with two autistic children, especially if a second was more severely affected?

[Kind18]

I wouldn’t be making any rash decisions about further children for many years.

I feel that you don’t appreciate how abusive this person is.

I would recommend you get some professional IC to explore these issues with more depth.

While you applied DB principles very well and she has wobbled somewhat, she still knows she has you in her back pocket, and I don’t think a reconciliation with this person is a good idea.

Just my 2c. IHS is brutally difficult, and it’s going to wear you down emotionally very quickly.

Did you kick her out of the bedroom? Time to start making some power moves.

Trying to get there. She herself says she wants to stop and then she tries to seduce me in various ways.

That’s BS. Either you’ve stopped or you haven’t. Who cares what she tries to do. IMHO you need to respond with some conviction.

[PeterB]

So she didn't really want kids and then had a child on the spectrum? That's a tough hand to be dealt.

She had always wanted two kids. But when it came to trying, she would say that now is not the time (for a few reasons, the main being that she wanted to hit some professional goals before trying - which is okay to aim for within a reasonable time, but time flew by, and we continued to get older and well past our prime for having children).

Be aware that the odds of having a second child on the spectrum are higher after you've had one - from a 2017 study: "The sibling recurrence rate, defined as the probability of a child having ASD with 1 or more siblings with ASD, has been estimated to be 6.1% to 18.7%"

Would you have the energy and the means to deal with two autistic children, especially if a second was more severely affected?

Yes this bothers me. I think there is a path to independence for my son (its a humble goal, but in ASD you can never be sure). But if the next one is more severely affected then it can be really problematic. I know of couples who went through with a 2nd because they wanted a sibling who could take care of the 1st born.