So this is a controversial topic and you're likely to get varying answers both here and on other sites. Some argue you should take a hard line and first the issue with the affair early putting pressure on with the hopes it explodes and you can R; others say you should take a softer approach and keep those matters within the marriage. If there is a "right answer" I certainly don't know what it is, nor would I know enough about the dynamics of you, your W, her AP, and your family and friends. So I'm not going to give you a clear cut hard line "yes or no" advice. It's your life and ultimately it's your decision. I think if you do expose it it's not about going on social media and announcing it to the world, it's more like a directed message to your family, W's family, potentially OM's family and that's it. There are other sites with instruction guides on how to approach if if you take that path. There were some posters awhile back who took a hard line so you might want to read their threads unfortunately I forget the usernames offhand (PuppyDogsTails?) but think Ready2Change might know for some reason.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Did you or Didn’t u not when it happened?
I did not. I got close to pulling the trigger. My family encouraged me to. My IC suggested taking a harder approach. My L said "if you want to get D'd, go ahead". That held me back a bit. Part of me not doing it was out of fear of rocking the boat (as if with her affair it weren't taking on water already!). I don't know whether it was the "right" decision or not. I doubt if I had taken a different path it would've stopped the D and saved the marriage, but maybe I would've felt stronger and processed things and moved on quicker.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Would you explain to people/family the reason nonsense coming out of XS?
I personally think it's alright to tell your absolute closest family & friends as a means for support and understanding (parents, sibling, best friend), but I wouldn't broadcast it widely. If questions come up I'd be truthful but brief without getting into details. As SteveLW says it'll come out eventually. Your family will side with you, her family will side with her (even though she's in the wrong), and you'll soon see who your real friends are. Your kid being 12yo (unfortunately) almost certainly knows what's going on already so better for you not to be the one talking bad about mom.
Jq25 - Whether or not you decide to expose the affair, I would advise you to start acting stronger quicker. Standing up for yourself and acting out of strength will make you feel better about yourself and maybe have her respect you more. I DO wish during IHS and me putting the kids to bed while she was "working late and early" I had boxed up her stuff and put it on the porch for her to find coming home late at night with a note saying "I know. Maybe you should stay at your mother's house". I feel that would've been a move out of strength that would've gotten me in a better mindset sooner as opposed to the passive way I dealt with it which eventually led to OM2/separation/divorce anyway. Point is...start acting out of strength and no weakness, be proactive not passive. If you don't I bet you'd wish you had.
Last edited by BL42; 03/31/2207:10 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Option A - Expose her affair as an attempt to force her back/make you feel better/manipulate what others think
Option B - Give zero fks why she left, wish her and OM all the best and accept it is what it is. Be so busy having fun and living a great life and go smash the gym. Imagine sunglasses on, windows down, heavy metal rock pumping, as you drive away in the opposite direction.
Which of those is a boss move? (And by extension, is likely to come across as attractive)?
I would say driving away in the opposite direction! Am I right? I don’t think going to the gym will do anything, physical changes don’t influence much, we been together for over a decade. She have seen me fit - athletic with 6 pack - and then over the years I turned into a pregnant fat dude.
Option B - Give zero fks why she left, wish her and OM all the best and accept it is what it is. Be so busy having fun and living a great life and go smash the gym. Imagine sunglasses on, windows down, heavy metal rock pumping, as you drive away in the opposite direction.
I don't think this is mutually exclusive. You should work on giving zero fks, having fun, and living a great life regardless of whether or not you try to end the affair by exposing it.
Originally Posted by Jq25
She have seen me fit - athletic with 6 pack - and then over the years I turned into a pregnant fat dude.
"Letting things go" is fairly common, but perhaps you should turn yourself back into the athletic 6 pack dude for yourself. As a byproduct, I bet it won't hurt your W's (or other women's) attraction to you.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yes, you chose the correct answer. Boss moves only from here on. What would Chuck Norris do?
Quote
I don’t think going to the gym will do anything, physical changes don’t influence much, we been together for over a decade. She have seen me fit - athletic with 6 pack - and then over the years I turned into a pregnant fat dude.
I think you’ve missed the point with the gym…
It’s not about changing your body, or being more physically attractive. Trying to impress her is a complete waste of time.
The gym comment relates to mental health. When I first separated and was struggling emotionally, I was advised to exercise/gym like I never have before. I didn’t feel like it and moaned. And the professional who gave that advice then told me he’s been working with people for over forty years in this field, and of all the advice he gives, it’s the one MOST LIKELY to improve things quickly. He said “do it for four weeks even if it’s not making a difference, and come back to me.”
So I did. I exercised (gym and cardio) like I never have before. I hated it. I didn’t feel any better, but I kept going. At three weeks, I suddenly started feeling different. I was sleeping a bit better because I was physically exhausted, I felt more motivated, ate better, and ruminating in my mind about the whole sh*t show began to become less frequent.
At four weeks, I felt like a mentally changed person. I went back, and he had this smug a** grin on his face of “told you so.”
IMHO, the absolute BEST thing you can do to manage your mental health during the first six months of a relationship breakdown - is to exercise hard and long.
Who cares what she thinks! You do it for you, and your mental health.
Four weeks of >90 mins extremely strenuous exercise every day. That’s my challenge to you…. Do you have the guts to take it on?
IMHO, the absolute BEST thing you can do to manage your mental health during the first six months of a relationship breakdown - is to exercise hard and long.
Lift heavy things and put them down, MMA or hit a heavy bag, throw something heavy. Unbridled masculine rage on a heavy bag gets alot of feelings out. Bloody hands, swollen wrists are a reminder that you are all that is man.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Yes, you chose the correct answer. Boss moves only from here on. What would Chuck Norris do?
Quote
I don’t think going to the gym will do anything, physical changes don’t influence much, we been together for over a decade. She have seen me fit - athletic with 6 pack - and then over the years I turned into a pregnant fat dude.
I think you’ve missed the point with the gym…
The gym comment relates to mental health. When I first separated and was struggling emotionally, I was advised to exercise/gym like I never have before. I didn’t feel like it and moaned. And the professional who gave that advice then told me he’s been working with people for over forty years in this field, and of all the advice he gives, it’s the one MOST LIKELY to improve things quickly. He said “do it for four weeks even if it’s not making a difference, and come back to me.”
So I did. I exercised (gym and cardio) like I never have before. I hated it. I didn’t feel any better, but I kept going. At three weeks, I suddenly started feeling different. I was sleeping a bit better because I was physically exhausted, I felt more motivated, ate better, and ruminating in my mind about the whole sh*t show began to become less frequent.
At four weeks, I felt like a mentally changed person. I went back, and he had this smug a** grin on his face of “told you so.”
IMHO, the absolute BEST thing you can do to manage your mental health during the first six months of a relationship breakdown - is to exercise hard and long.
Who cares what she thinks! You do it for you, and your mental health.
Four weeks of >90 mins extremely strenuous exercise every day. That’s my challenge to you…. Do you have the guts to take it on?
I accept your challenge, I already do this. I know it helps me not to loose my marbles completely. Will make going to a gym a habit part of My life. It’s hard but I met some people in the gym also that’s how I was advised too to check out this site.
Hey K it’s been very tough weekend, definitely my emotional 😭 state not where needs to be. Gym - yes, need it and want it. You are correct it’s helps me sleep better.
Jq, staying busy is the key. I found that when I was idle my mind, emotions, and desire to pressure and pursue were overwhelming. When I stayed busy, kept my mind occupied, and kept doing something, then I was more at ease in my mind, my emotions were much more even, and I was less inclined to want to reach out to her.
If you are having a tough week or weekend it is probably because you weren't keeping yourself busy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
