Well K you are bringing out the worst in me so I’ll explain it one more time. Dealbreakers are great, awesome and a must. Now if CW would of took his time to know K he would have found out the dealbreaker before the ILU. I will say it one more time and then no more. CW has displayed his disappointment many times that no one lives him for his warts and all. Too many on here that sounds very hypocritical.
I’m done with this subject and will no longer comment on it.
Ditto LH!!!!!! I came here to basically say the same thing. It isn’t about deal breakers and obligation. Everyone has deal breakers and acknowledges that theirs might or might not be different from other people’s. Seriously, it is not secret that LH and I don’t always agree and we’ve always said what we needed to say and moved on but I have never agreed more with EVERYTHING he’s said in these comments.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
And by the way, not all women were raised with that “some day my prince will come” mentality. Some of us were taught to independent grown women who can handle our business all by ourselves. I don’t need a knight in shining armor because he would just get in my d@mn way trying to mansplain stuff to me.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Yet the culture surrounds girls with Disney princess stories and other stories that reinforce that thinking for many. If I was a guy I would steer clear of those women. And look for the women like you and I that can handle our own sh!t . But an awful lot of men want damsels in distress or avoid women who are as smart as them.
I can see why a person who struggles with financial responsibility might find financial irresponsibility in a potential life partner a dealbreaker. Even if you loved them to the moon and back, expecting them to miraculously change in order to balance your weakness seems...well... a bit unrealistic. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I wouldn't give betting odds on that relationship's survival.
Along with early recognition of general red flags, early recognition of our own weaknesses in potential partners is a great thing - it helps us avoid catastrophe. Whether or not you say (or don't say) that you love those people is irrelevant.
One thing I've learned - love does not conquer all.
I've always seen there to be a big difference between "love" and "in love" and I think this was a pretty commonly accepted dichotomy. I would say "I'm falling in love with you" or "I think I'm in love with you" or "I'm in love with you" in those early, romantic stages. (And I believe every person I said it to or said it to me shared this definition.) "I love you" has always been a much deeper emotion that does imply a certain level of commitment or forgiveness. As Chris Rock says, you can't really love someone till you've seen the crust of them. I remember back in the day with my girlfriends talking about this, and people feeling like you couldn't say "I love you" and mean it until you'd at least been on a vacation with someone and had some opportunities for each other to not be on their best behavior. You don't really know each other -- how can you love each other?
It seems to me that CW and K both said "I love you" when maybe in my book it would have been more like "I'm in love with you."
I couldn't give a flying F about K and whether or not CW stays with her, or if her financial irresponsibility is a legit red flag or not. (I will say I know ZERO disney princess women who think they should be rescued. ZERO.) I did not see anyone saying that he should stay with her, as others have said. Just that it is a d!ck move to say ILY then bail when the person exhibits some very similar problems that you yourself had a few months ago, and talk about her in such a dismissive way to all of us. That behavior doesn't mesh with how many of us define "love."
What I did see-- and what I think I've been trying to point out to CW for a long time-- is that he moves so quickly and sweeps these women off their feet. He has done this consistently, from the watermelon and feta salads and bubbly picnics on hikes to whale watching at sunset. Or whatever. Early ILUs are all in line with that. He comes off like a player. Someone above said he sets that hook hard so that he can soothe his anxious side and then it feels like if they don't keep his interest he moves on. (Just like my neighbor, who has now taken yet another woman to Europe (this time Paris) on a whirlwind trip, she totally fell for him, he's bored now and broke up with her because he just doesn't really feel it anymore.)
CW only likes the ones who are cruel to him and play hot and cold. i doubt we would have even heard about this situation if she was a drama queen and made him feel insufficient or insecure. My guess is that he would have seen the similarities between her situation and his own not so long ago and been over the moon that they had so much in common.
CW... I think you're such a great person in so many ways. I am so confused about why you won't really dig deep here or spend enough time uncoupled that you can actually stop these repeated dysfunctional patterns. You are so impatient to move on and find a partner but I am worried that you'll just keep repeating the same thing-- either you get swept up with someone terrible like the kebab lady or your ex, or you'll keep breaking the hearts of women who fall for you. (Or, maybe K is actually exactly like you and bored now too, so totally fine with what is happening.) And I do also worry that most women without some sort of issue will see right through you and pass you by if you don't seriously work on your attachment issues, since many of the things you've shared with us would be true dealbreakers for many women. I'm guessing it is hard to be truly empathetic to another person in similar circumstances when it is still too close for comfort for you, and maybe there are still things you haven't shared with us that you're dealing with around finances. IDK. But I hope you'll take this all seriously.
M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Wow! I mean wow! Such great comments May. That also goes for Dawn and butterfly and a few others. Then we have this.
Originally Posted by LH19
You are always saying your exh is a narcissist when statistically speaking it’s highly unlikely. You know what a sure sign of a narcissist is? Thinking they are right and everyone else is wrong. Now that’s something to think about.
Okay just who are you and how did you manage to hack into LHs account? Seriously, great comments dude. My old and now renewed favorite radio physiologist talks about this all the time how labeling people, especially ex husbands has as narcissistic hit epidemic levels and do not come close to matching how few actual true narcissists there really are out there.
Nearly everyone is seeing these topics and the latest Traveler saga the same. Are we all wrong? Really? And again May you nailed it - including the compliments. I’ll just say, “what May said”. It truly is amazing to watch people do the same things over and over again. Just reinforces my belief that people typically don’t change. They are who they are. We either accept them or not. But the first step in changing is admitting there’s a problem.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
There is one important thing that is possibly being overlooked in this conversation. CW was upset that K promised an all expenses paid trip but he was being put in a situation to step up and pay. This indicates a lack of trust because even though he was just loaning her the money, he felt she would not pay him back. How do you love someone in a middle age relationship without even this level of trust? If you love someone and know she has put in a lot of effort to do something nice, would having to help them out temporarily irk you this way? If you went to dinner with a friend and they forgot their wallet would you be that upset if you had to pick up the tab regardless of whether you thought they were going to pay you back later?
What bothered me personally was what I perceived as the lack of empathy on CW's part (sorry, CW - don't mean to be harsh here but just stating my observation). It was all about how everything affected him without looking at things from her perspective. I am not saying he should not break up with her, but this is something he needs to address as part of his self-improvement if he wants things to be successful when he eventually meets someone that is a better fit for him
What I did see-- and what I think I've been trying to point out to CW for a long time-- is that he moves so quickly and sweeps these women off their feet. He has done this consistently, from the watermelon and feta salads and bubbly picnics on hikes to whale watching at sunset. Or whatever. Early ILUs are all in line with that. He comes off like a player. Someone above said he sets that hook hard so that he can soothe his anxious side and then it feels like if they don't keep his interest he moves on. (Just like my neighbor, who has now taken yet another woman to Europe (this time Paris) on a whirlwind trip, she totally fell for him, he's bored now and broke up with her because he just doesn't really feel it anymore.)
May, too tired to write more just now, but I hear you.
CW was upset that K promised an all expenses paid trip but he was being put in a situation to step up and pay. This indicates a lack of trust because even though he was just loaning her the money, he felt she would not pay him back. How do you love someone in a middle age relationship without even this level of trust? If you went to dinner with a friend and they forgot their wallet would you be that upset if you had to pick up the tab regardless of whether you thought they were going to pay you back later?
MLCxH, your analogy misses that this was a "small fortune", and I had to pay a good chunk of it just to get home safely. I'm sure we all have a dollar amount we'd feel traumatized losing. I was also uncomfortable because her account had $50 and she was struggling. I offered listening and validation on the trip. At some point, I get to honor my frustrations too!
The dinner on the trip was my decision and I own that and all expenses I could say no to.
The good news is--after telling me the next day she might not pay me back--K secured her loan and returned thousands of dollars to me. She failed on responsibility. She came through on honesty. My savings are whole again.
he felt she would not pay him back. How do you love someone in a middle age relationship without even this level of trust?
Returning to kml's query about ILU, love doesn't require blindly trusting someone to repay a loan. Trust is earned by past actions. I know parents who love their kids, but if they loaned them a large sum, wouldn't expect to see it again.
