Ok G - then if you said ILU after, say, 6 months of dating, and then discovered your beloved was a gambling addict, would you stay? What if they were a pedophile? Obviously everybody has some kind of dealbreaker that would cause us to break off a dating relationship even if we had said ILU. . Yet waiting to say ILU until you were fairly certain that there were no dealbreakers lurking would take at least two years I think. Does that mean you shouldn’t say ILU until you’ve been together 2 years? That would seem very far out of the norm.
How far into the relationship have you said ILU, G? If you found out a boyfriend had cheated on you one year into a relationship where you had already said ILU, would you feel obligated to work it out with him?
I don’t equate a bad weekend and financial responsibility with finding out someone is a pedophile or an addict! Illegal and stinks at managing money are no where on the same level.
I have said “I love you “ with 2 people only. First, my exH, who didn’t exchange those words with me for TWO years. He knows saying that would lead me to believe in commitment and he wanted mess around. The second time, kind of soon, 3 months in. He said it first. And guess what he did? He took it back! And it crushed me. Number 3 was M, we were 6 months in. Him first. And yeah, he didn’t take that word very seriously either.
I also agree that there are no rules regarding the timing of saying I love yous. It works different for everyone. I just chose to live it when I say it.
Texan and I had a weekend away together. We hit a similar bit different snafu that K and CW did. But we addressed it right on the spot . Talked it out, came up with a plan and ended up having a fantastic fun time together. We didn’t want to end anything over it . We just communicated.
I don’t equate a bad weekend and financial responsibility with finding out someone is a pedophile or an addict! Illegal and stinks at managing money are no where on the same level.
G, I wasn’t implying they were. I was pointing out it’s a spectrum and everyone has a dealbreaker somewhere along that continuum. And the point wasn’t just that she was bad at managing money, but that she spent irresponsibly buying new stuff she couldn’t afford and then expected her dad to bail her out. This speaks to her character. It’s completely different from you working two jobs trying to keep your head above water and having medical debt.
For me and Sparky, our timeline was about 6 months to ILY, started talking about marriage around 10 months, got engaged at 11 months, then married a year after our engagement. Too fast? Some here would say yes, others would say no. It was worked for us and that is what matters
That sounds about right Dawn - at 2 years you knew him well enough to marry. But when you said ILY at 6 months, would you have felt obligated to stay in the relationship if you discovered a dealbreaker, just because you’d said ILY? Again - where on the spectrum of dealbreakers would your breaking point be? I’m pretty sure if you’d discovered he was a pedophile you wouldn’t stay and work it out at that 6 month mark. You might or might not try to work it out if he was unfaithful, although I would argue that would be a bad idea with our histories. Everybody has a dealbreaker.
I guess the warning for those of you who DO think it’s like a Lifetime romance movie is, many (I would say most) people over the age of 35 can understand there’s a difference between infatuation - which is fun - and real love, which takes time to build. So pay more attention to the actions not the words.
That’s a little insulting to my intelligence, kml. Just because ILY implies commitment TO ME doesn’t mean that I’m unaware of the difference between infatuation and real love. I don’t think love is like a romantic movie. It can be, but it is also painful, messy, difficult. I’m a grown @$$ woman and I know the difference and if I say ILY means something to me then that is my business. The one thing you said I actually agree with is real love takes time to build. Absolutely it does! But that time frame is different for everyone.
yes and btw whats wrong with romantic movies? the world needs love stories or they wouldn't be so popular. and just because you watch one doesn't mean you believe that love and life can be wrapped up with a pretty bow in under 3 hours or that your IQ is inferior.
re love vs infatuation etc, love morphs over time. there have been enough studies on the subject to prove that biologically ... I've said ily to two men and only two. both times it was under the six month mark, once I said it first, once he did. both relationships lasted for years, and love wasn't the reason either ended.
I don't think there's a set formula for timing. it's individual to the relationships/people involved, as has been said in earlier posts, but clearly I will be asking for a definition the next time someone tells me they love me so I can be clear we're both speaking the same language. that's my takeaway from all this.
I have a really good guy friend who's played the field extensively in between long term relationships - his view isn't so much about exchanging ily's as it is being in a committed thing. he won't go exclusive in under 8 moths because his belief is that both people are on their best behavior for the first 6 months and since that can't be kept up forever you start to see the real person between months 6-8. his view. I don't really disagree with him ...
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
also, imho love doesn't just morph, it grows deeper over time and with shared experiences. certainly love is different at 73 years of marriage than it was at 2 years. mom and I had numerous conversations about that. dad and I did, too.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
For me and Sparky, our timeline was about 6 months to ILY, started talking about marriage around 10 months, got engaged at 11 months, then married a year after our engagement. Too fast? Some here would say yes, others would say no. It was worked for us and that is what matters
That sounds about right Dawn - at 2 years you knew him well enough to marry. But when you said ILY at 6 months, would you have felt obligated to stay in the relationship if you discovered a dealbreaker, just because you’d said ILY? Again - where on the spectrum of dealbreakers would your breaking point be? I’m pretty sure if you’d discovered he was a pedophile you wouldn’t stay and work it out at that 6 month mark. You might or might not try to work it out if he was unfaithful, although I would argue that would be a bad idea with our histories. Everybody has a dealbreaker.
As G already pointed out, financial snafus and pedophilia are wildly different issues. Of course everyone has deal breakers and nowhere did I ever say or even indicate that I didn’t. Of course I would end a relationship if a deal breaker popped up even after I’d said ILY. What would that be, outside of the obvious illegal situations? Well, honestly, it would depend on the person. Infidelity is absolutely a deal breaker for me. Drug or alcohol abuse, stealing, being a deadbeat dad….all deal breakers.
OBVIOUSLY many of us would end a relationship after ILY or we wouldn’t even be here. We wouldn’t be divorced. Bttrfly is so right that love morphs. It changes over time as partners grow either toward or away from each other.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
LH kept saying they should work it out, G implied it was terrible if him to break up with her.
Wow just wow… I’m sorry kml but are completely missing what everyone is saying.
No! Not at all! It even close! It’s terrible to lead someone to believe you’ll be there through thick and thin, then break up over some thing like that without so much of a discussion.
In the beginning he likes to hook them hard because of his anxious attachment issues. Then once they get hooked abs begin to feel safe, it’s a messed up time to just walk away.
