Living in the Light VII

[DejaVu6]

Thought I should start a new thread since I am at nine pages.

Here’s the link to my old thread… https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2929133&page=9

Back from my Disneyland vacation with my kids. We had a fantastic time. My wallet took a huge hit but I didn’t care. We made some amazing memories and I think it was exactly what we all needed. My kids have been struggling with each other lately but really bonded during this trip and remembered that they can actually enjoy each other’s company and they do still love each other. D14 said she was super proud of her brother as he went on every ride except for one. A year or two ago, he would have wanted to skip half of them so he’s really gotten a lot more brave and willing to take some risks and step outside of his comfort zone. I’m glad she saw it the way that I did. She and I have also gotten past our hiccup of a few weeks ago. She told me numerous times how much she loves me and appreciates all of the things I do for both of them.

I had an unexpected text from XH today that rubbed me the wrong way. I know he was probably just trying to be complimentary and I’m ultimately choosing to see it that way but how he worded it made me want to reach through the phone and punch him in the face.

IDK…maybe I’m being too sensitive but his text read…”By now, as they’ve settled in, both S (OW) and I have heard many tales of how great a time they had on the trip. We are both very appreciative of you taking the Disney thing on. Thank you for giving the kids that experience.”

I would have been completely fine if he had said… “Sounds like the kids had a great time on your trip. Thanks for giving them that experience.” But he made it sound like the twins were their kids and I was the aunt who took them on vacation so now they both needed to thank me for it.

To be clear, I don’t need OW’s appreciation for the things I do with MY kids. She’s his partner, not mine. But beyond that, it was his line about how appreciative they are that I “TOOK IT ON” that bugged me the most. He made it sound like it was a chore on a ToDo list we both had and that I had saved them from having to do it. That is beyond laughable. He and OW are leaving for Mexico on Sunday without the kids. This will be his second tropical vacation with her in three years. He also told me last fall that he and OW were planning to go to Europe for three weeks this summer. When I suggested to him he might want to do something with our kids before they graduate, he told me her family takes a tropical group vacation every year and that he will take them on one of those trips. Since our split four years ago, he’s done nothing with them outside of the regular routine. He’s never even taken them away for a weekend. When it comes to vacations, his priority is “me, myself and I” and he and I both know he would never voluntarily spend that kind of money on them. The only reason we took them anywhere when we were married (and had way less money) is because I insisted on it. So needless to say, I’m not holding my breath.

Anyway…my first thought was to text him back that, as their mom, I make it a priority to follow through on my promises to them (in actuality, it was a promise we both made) but I also told him I would try to refrain from throwing “darts” at him and that response likely would have counted as one so, in the end, I decided to just ignore it.

In other news… my new car has arrived on the mainland. I just have to wait for it to get shipped to the dealership before I can pick it up. My sales guy says it should be in my driveway sometime in the next week or so. So excited!!!

[kml]

I get why that rubbed you the wrong way - but nothing to be gained by replying.

We live about 90 minutes from Disneyland, and I grew up even closer. I tried to take the kids once every year or two for a day. With 3 kids it was really helpful to have another adult, but I finally stopped taking my H with. As a narcissist who never wanted to do anything HE didn’t want to do, he would just be constantly irritated by things like what the people ten paces ahead in the line were quietly talking about. We had a better time without him.

So glad you and your kids had a great bonding time. Our exes don’t know what they’re missing out on.

[LH19]

I know he was probably just trying to be complimentary and I’m ultimately choosing to see it that way but how he worded it made me want to reach through the phone and punch him in the face.

Spit my coffee.

I would have been completely fine if he had said… “Sounds like the kids had a great time on your trip. Thanks for giving them that experience.” But he made it sound like the twins were their kids and I was the aunt who took them on vacation so now they both needed to thank me for it.

Totally get it and that's why I don't like the buddy buddy with the ex thing. Strictly business only.

[DejaVu6]

Yeah… that would have been my H too. The other thing that bothered me about the text is that about a month before we left, I told him that the trip was costing me a lot of money (about $6,000 CDN all in) and that it would really help me out if he could give our kids some spending money as I knew they would really want some souvenirs. That would have been a great way to show his appreciation but he didn’t give them a dime and I ended up spending another $700 (CDN). I also sent him a couple pictures of our kids during the week (building droids in the Star Wars section, a video of our son being confronted by stormtroopers) that I thought he would like since he is a huge Star Wars fan. No response or appreciation then either. So the text was almost insulting, tbh. On the surface it looked congenial enough but it felt more like a condescending pat on the head. Anyway… I’m good with not responding. You’re right KML… our exes do not know what they are missing out on.

[BL42]

DejaVu6,

Glad you had a great time at DisneyLand with the kids...I'm sure you made some great memories!

”By now, as they’ve settled in, both S (OW) and I have heard many tales of how great a time they had on the trip. We are both very appreciative of you taking the Disney thing on. Thank you for giving the kids that experience.”

To be clear, I don’t need OW’s appreciation for the things I do with MY kids. She’s his partner, not mine.

I hear you. The "We" probably would've rubbed me the wrong way too.

my first thought was to text him back that, as their mom, I make it a priority to follow through on my promises to them (in actuality, it was a promise we both made) but I also told him I would try to refrain from throwing “darts” at him and that response likely would have counted as one so, in the end, I decided to just ignore it.

Good move. That would've been passive-aggressive and nothing good would've come from it. Better to vent here and move on.

In other news… my new car has arrived on the mainland. I just have to wait for it to get shipped to the dealership before I can pick it up. My sales guy says it should be in my driveway sometime in the next week or so. So excited!!!

Enjoy the new vehicle!

[Ginger1]

I just want to stop by and empathize. All these years and I still feel my blood pressure rise every time they say “we” in reference to my daughter. It’s an absolute trigger for me. My ex will say “WE have her next weekend and “we” is then. Is it rational? I don’t know, but I definitely feel triggered every single time .

On a positive note, I am glad you guys got to have a fun, bonding vacation with the kids. I have taken my daughter on one big vacation ( vs. my ex’s 10 or so) and Disney still remains her favorite and she has such great memories!

[DejaVu6]

Thanks Ginger. He never misses an opportunity to throw her in my face, that’s for sure. I mostly ignore my irritation when he does it but this particular situation was one in which it would have been much better for our coparenting relationship if he had said nothing at all. He’s never considered my perspective before though so why should I expect him to do it now?

Sorry you’ve not been able to do as many trips with your D as your ex has. No doubt I’d be super peeved if I were in your position given how little he contributes to other areas of her life. You are a great mom my friend. (((HUGS)))

[kml]

On the surface it looked congenial enough but it felt more like a condescending pat on the head

My ex is the MASTER of emails like this. If I showed them to anybody else, they would think “oh, what a nice guy!” But really behind the polite talk is a hidden dagger in the back.

[DonH]

Well I guess I’ll once again be the only dissenter here, what else is new. Lol. Although perhaps only partly. I don’t know anything at all about your ex, or details of what happened or who the woman in his life is or how she got there. All I can do is read what he sent. And I’m not seeing anything worthy of punching him in the face over. I have to wonder if he can’t win. You send pics and he doesn’t respond - so he’s an arse. He actually responds but not perfectly so he’s still an arse. Sure seems like no matter what he does he’s wrong and an arse. He can’t win this game. You don’t like him so no matter what he does it’s wrong. Could he have written it better, I’m sure he could have. But does he get any credit - ANY? Of course not - because you don’t like him.

I have to say I’d rather someone take ownership in the kids and treat them as “ours” or “we” because that’s best for the kids. Would “exs kids and I” sound better? Not to me. “Joe I and your kids are going to…” really? Now THAT would bother me. She loves your kids enough to see them as her own and part of her life - not an annoyance or duty that she’d rather not have to deal with. Again, sometimes it feels like the new SO of the ex can’t win. If they do nothing or want to do nothing with the kids they are bad and wrong. If they do too much they are bad and wrong. If they don’t say it the correct way they are bad and wrong. They can’t win. But the kids certainly lose.

Even bad people can do good things sometimes. Anything can be twisted around to be bad and worthy of a punch in the face. I just don’t see this example of worthy of that punch. At least he tried to say thank you. Give him a little credit. He can still be the jerk that did all the bad things he’s done. Giving him a little credit or at least cutting him a little slack now and then doesn’t mean the other stuff never happened.

Just my minority opinion I guess.

[Dawn70]

Interestingly, I actually agree with Don. Particularly on the part of someone taking "ownership" of the kids. I didn't say anything before Don posted because I thought maybe I was being overly sensitive about it. I don't have children of my own that I carried and gave birth to, but I have 5 beautiful and amazing daughters all the same. Why? Because the birth parents of those 5 women have allowed me to be part of their lives and to love them how I needed to and be there and support them and I have cultivated relationships with all of them. Now, I will admit, it was easier with Sparky's girls since I came into their lives when they were adults. My 3 daughters from my XH were teenagers when I came into their lives and as I have said before, wow....that was a row to hoe for sure. I am NOT defending the cheating that an OW does, but I have been in the shoes of being an XH's new wife and being hated for it for that reason alone, even though I didn't even know the dude when he was with his XW. My XH's first XW (and birth mother of the girls) HATED me at first because the girls really liked me. I was NOT the OW and had not even known our now shared XH until he'd been divorced from her for 4 or 5 years. She would make catty little remarks directly to me and really laid it on thick with the girls about how I was just trying to "buy" their love (which is actually what she started doing when she landed her now husband who made obscene amounts of money).

I don't know how it feels to have the child you carried love a "mother" who isn't you. I can't and won't ever know how that feels. But I do know what it is like to be a woman who loves the children that belong to another mother. I never once tried to replace my daughters' mothers, but rather tried to construct my own relationship with them so that they could have the advantage of having more people in their lives who love and support them. Now that the girls are adults, their mother finally GETS IT and she's accepted me. She refers to me as her girls second mama all the time. What a distance we've traveled from the beginning.

I say all that to say I feel for mothers who have to share their children with their XH's OWs, but at the same time, I do think the kids win when ALL the adults can just love and support the kids despite their differences. I am sure I will get hate for that opinion, but it is what it is and again, I just agree with what Don said. It really should be about the kids winning, plain and simple.