I never expected pilot to reach out again. I had written him off.
It's funny how the NC thing works. They always come back for a peek at some point.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I liked him enough the last time to try again. I just got burned a second time and that [censored], but I'm okay because what if it had worked out?
Sound reasonable. Though remember fool me thrice that's 100% on you!
Originally Posted by KitCat
So I was letting my M go but I suppose they feel some rift in the force and come back just to make sure you're moving on just yet... because you never know... they may have made a mistake.
Funny how that works.
Originally Posted by KitCat
As for the reasons people divorce. They are quite simple. I do not feel you like me. I do not feel you love me. I do not feel you respect me. Research documented by Gottman.
I remember the last relationship talk we had I said "I am sorry I didn't make you feel more loved" she said "that's not it I always felt you loved me". Pretty sure mine was the third. She would say it sometimes. She wasn't wrong. Some of her actions and choices I did not respect but I should have handled it better. I also accept at the time we did not have the proper communication tools. Its easy to get into a rut.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I thought we were slowly getting there - esp in December. But, he's pulled back again. And, just like Pilot I'm not chasing him either. He knows where to find me.
I think the universe has a way of teaching us lessons over and over again until we we've mastered ourselves.
In my case, I got back with my ex several times. And like clockwork, each time she burned me. It was a lesson I had to learn, and the universe kept presenting me with the same challenge over and over again until I decided to do something different.
One thing I've learned is that my best thinking is what got me into my mess. And it wasn't until I truly surrendered to the fact that maybe some of the fine folks on this board had ideas that were better than mine, that I began to grow and experience life in a new light.
I think the universe has a way of teaching us lessons over and over again until we we've mastered ourselves.
In my case, I got back with my ex several times. And like clockwork, each time she burned me. It was a lesson I had to learn, and the universe kept presenting me with the same challenge over and over again until I decided to do something different.
One thing I've learned is that my best thinking is what got me into my mess. And it wasn't until I truly surrendered to the fact that maybe some of the fine folks on this board had ideas that were better than mine, that I began to grow and experience life in a new light.
I have ZERO problem with that.
Except that I was already saying over and over ---- I'm NOT pursuing pilot anymore. I'm done. I'm processing my feelings which are mine and valid for me but I'm 100% aware that I will not be chasing this man.
Yet.... pages and pages later all I get is how I'm still stuck and and I've never changed and how I'm going after toxic men. Its like none of them took the time to see that YES, I was hurt by pilot... but I'm done. You don't need to keep flogging a dead horse.
Same with my XH. I already said the reasons I needed to detox several pages ago. Yes, I have deal with. The fact that I can put those things out here is healing. You realize when someone is emotionally abused being able finally bring those things to light, accept them and not feel shamed by them is a HUGE step.
Yet... I'm still being flogged yet again for my toxic choices in men... but if you had really read my thread you would see I'm putting plenty of space between myself and my XH. I want my peace... I want 90 days of freedom from him. At a minimum at least 30. We still have business items but I'm not initiating and if he contacts me I will not be responding to texts like "this atty is dumb butt", "I can't believe its taking this long". I am only repsonding if he states "paperwork is all done, it just needs our notarized signatures".
I don't need to be continually flogged.
Sure, I gave LH an update when it happened that both pilot and my XH showed back up. Turned out neither is really at a point of healthy relationship.... I'm not pursuing either one right now.
^^^Seems like people are picking what they choose to read/respond to. It has nothing with me not being open to peoples suggestions. I'm already choosing not to pursue either.
As for the reasons people divorce. They are quite simple. I do not feel you like me. I do not feel you love me. I do not feel you respect me. Research documented by Gottman.
I remember the last relationship talk we had I said "I am sorry I didn't make you feel more loved" she said "that's not it I always felt you loved me". Pretty sure mine was the third. She would say it sometimes. She wasn't wrong. Some of her actions and choices I did not respect but I should have handled it better. I also accept at the time we did not have the proper communication tools. Its easy to get into a rut.
There were maybe psuedo relationship talk about a month ago. Sometimes he would get angry and make statements like "you get to pursue what you want" sort of in an envious tone... or I would get the pensive "do you think you could be different with me?"... to the defensive "you want to impress me then go out and find a new, nice guy"... the pouty "you already have another guy on the line". Leading up to that month was more exploration on his part like "how was your day?", "good weekend", "is this pink eye".
Maybe if I could have just continued more just being pleasant and not having expectations he would have ventured even more close but it seems like he's a ferral cat darting back into the alley.
I just don't have the energy right now. It doesn't mean I don't have the desire. I'm okay either way. I've a got 10 day adventure to WI and in April I've booked travel with myself and my dog to do underground kyaking (dog will not be kyaking... LOL). I'm still mastering the uke. Just bought tix to opening day of our minor bb team. I'm not sitting in my castle hoping to be rescued by some man; I can rescue myself.
This is good. I just wouldn't waste any time or effort on him. If he wants to recon you will know without a doubt. I highly doubt he has the capacity to do the work but stranger things have happened.
I have no idea what pilot is looking for long term. We haven't had that talk yet. I'm okay dating someone for awhile before even having that talk.
The guy I mentioned from the dating site - we've hung out several times platonically over the last year before he even brought it up. I'm just saying that if I guy tells me that I have no intention of trying to change their mind.
If pilot and I get to a place where we have that conversation, I will believe him.
Right now we just got through a miscommunication. I'm all about having fun and getting to know him... if it works it works, but I'm okay walking too. Our biggest mistake is using texting as our primary means of communication... but that's dating life these days.
I don't really have any plans except to see how things flow for right now.
He's busy hopping time zones right now. He gets home the same day I leave.
I'm figuring out that he needs some serious down time when he gets home so I need to respect that and not come across as making any demands on him. That's not unreasonable.
He's been chatty these last couple of days. I'm feeling heard and I'm assuming that he is too or I suspect he would not be chatty.
I think what's best for me is to continue to date and have fun. Only time will tell if my emotional needs will be met, but there is no need to rush into that. Depending on work schedules I could give this a 90 day trial?
Vaca was amazing!!!! The condo was HUGE! The resort was HUGE!
My first night I was on my own. Still unknown if my gf was going to make it at all. Exhausted after driving all day I ended up at the swanky piano bar at the resort. I had too many cocktails and was high after eating my weight in WI cheese. So I texted my XH.... UGH... We chatted for quite awhile. He had no idea I was going to WI and he was actually coming to my town the next morning to get his bike worked on. Which I find so strange. I even said "you hated this town yet you come here pretty darn often". He tried to use the excuse that it was $200 cheaper in my town than his town. Yet, factor in the 2hr round trip drive... sitting and waiting on the bike for 5hr... Had it been me I would have dropped off in my own town and saved myself the day.
It was 65 degrees the next morning so I hiked 12mi of the property. Its between seasons so didn't see another soul the entire time. Just the wind in the pines and then the pair of very vocal cranes I came up on. I did some day drinking on a grand scale. My gf made it late the next night.
It then snowed 3" overnight so I went out and enjoyed the snow and made a snow angel. So the weather was definitely a mix!
GF and I enjoyed catch up time. Had plenty of time to knit and relax. She confessed she has never had a massage or mani/pedi and she was just unsure if she ever could. Well we are at a high end resort complete with a high end spa! I eased her in with a facial. Told her to just put the robe over her clothes if she was unsure or not comfortable. OMG--- she loved it!!! I laughed and just told her she now has another expensive habit. She loved it so much that we did mani/pedis a couple of days later and she was over the moon. So definitely a great week.
Pilot stayed in light contact. When I got home I was invited out for cold drinks and hot sex. Well... at least its honest and upfront!
I have NO complaints about that night save one... and, that's on me.
So I texted my XH.... UGH... We chatted for quite awhile. He had no idea I was going to WI and he was actually coming to my town the next morning to get his bike worked on. Which I find so strange. I even said "you hated this town yet you come here pretty darn often". He tried to use the excuse that it was $200 cheaper in my town than his town. Yet, factor in the 2hr round trip drive... sitting and waiting on the bike for 5hr... Had it been me I would have dropped off in my own town and saved myself the day.