Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Thanks all for the encouragement and understanding.

Yes, it is time for a new job. But even more so, I am thinking I may need to take a sabbatical from work. With the divorce happening, I need to consult with my L, but at this point, with my depression, the stress I am under, etc, I am not really seeing how I can move onto the next step without some release of some of my stress. I am consulting with a few more professionals before I make the decision. And my H is aware of what is happening at my work, so I do not think he would see my actions as manipulations in anyway with the upcoming divorce and mediation.

I would use the sabbatical to accomplish a few things. First, I would probably take an intensive course on a skill set that is in high demand, but related to what I do now. This will help me in getting a new job. I am self taught and mostly work ‘by the seat of my pants’ and lack proper training. Most jobs I see want to see specific processes or paths used, so having knowledge of these processes would benefit in getting a new job. I’d also spend the time working on my portfolio. Also, I will also be moving to an apartment during this time. So having the space to focus on downsizing would help. I may even hire an organizer to help me.

I know, you are thinking that this doesn’t sound like a sabbatical. I do not have the luxury to just take time off to heal and do nothing else. So, it is to remove a stressor and at the same time set myself up for a more secure future. This time will still be stressful as I will be moving to an apartment and going through the divorce, but at least the things I will be doing will help me instead of just moving along with a ‘sinking ship’ which is what I think it now happening with my work and my life. I do have some funds to live off of with some of the house sale proceeds, and I’m hoping that a sacrifice in saving that money now will pay off in spades later with a new job and a new start.

Either way, I am still working to make a decision and will have a better idea of what to do in the next few weeks. This depression that I am in right now has been hard. I just feel shut down. I’m not feeling suicidal or anything like that, I just feel frozen and stuck and honestly very tired. I’ve been sleeping a lot. I feel overwhelmed. I feel dread. I’m tired of feeling this way, but I’m struggling to move past it. I know that I will get there at some point, and I am trying to be kind to myself and just allow myself to feel these feelings. I do think that even though I feel frozen that I am moving forward at a snails pace…I’ve been learning a lot and that knowledge is being processed and that is also why I feel these waves of depression… I think (and hope) that this new wave is my dealing with the traumas that I was blind to before. Before I just felt stabbed with a knife, where now the knowledge is helping me to see what organs were affected, so my focus has shifted to healing those. If that makes any sense.

El

[DnJ]

Hello El

That made very good sense. Nice way of saying it.

Depression takes as long as it takes. Looking back - time heals. It seems a snail’s pace, yet once through it feels like it was quick. It’s weird, the months and months are barely even a feeling anymore. Our new life takes shape and becomes. We become. And that better version of self and life takes hold. Depression fades in the light of such. We accept our new normal.

That’s the classic order of things. Depression then acceptance. One doesn’t vanquish depression, they let go and move passed it; accepting their situation. Like anger or bargaining before this, we let go and moved forward. The devilish part is figuring how to let go. Depression truly is the darkness before the light. No time along the path has it been this dark or bleak. Have faith, when the light shines through it feels miraculous.

Time heals. You are doing really well. Just takes some time.

D

[Sage4]

Dearest E,

I haven't posted much lately, although I have been following your sitch with lots of empathy (and I wish we had a way to connect for a walk, because we are in the same area).

This depression that I am in right now has been hard. I just feel shut down. I’m not feeling suicidal or anything like that, I just feel frozen and stuck and honestly very tired. I’ve been sleeping a lot. I feel overwhelmed. I feel dread. I’m tired of feeling this way, but I’m struggling to move past it. I know that I will get there at some point, and I am trying to be kind to myself and just allow myself to feel these feelings. I do think that even though I feel frozen that I am moving forward at a snails pace…I’ve been learning a lot and that knowledge is being processed and that is also why I feel these waves of depression… I think (and hope) that this new wave is my dealing with the traumas that I was blind to before. Before I just felt stabbed with a knife, where now the knowledge is helping me to see what organs were affected, so my focus has shifted to healing those. If that makes any sense.

I couldn't have put my feelings better. I am not completely hopeless, I still have hope. But I often find myself stuck. Emotionally? Physically? Not sure how to define it. Someone threw the word 'languishing' out the other day. But I don't even feel like that defines it (as in the 'post'-covid sense of 'languishing'). I am fighting hard, internally, for a right to exist. And yet, I know I have so many reasons to exist and if I look back, I can even say that I not only 'existed' but also did amazingly well, given the circumstances. So what is it?

I am used to thriving. I am used to feeling happy and grateful for that which the gods bestowed upon me. Have I struggled? Yes. Deeply. But in the past, the struggle hinted at a better future as-yet-to-unfold. So I just trusted. But for some reason now, I can't quite 'trust the mystery'. Maybe it's covid. Maybe it's the fact that I have been deeply engaged in a relationship with someone who likely has a personality disorder and have been burned so badly/deeply? I don't have the answer. But I find (cold) comfort in the fact that others are also there with me too.

With hugs and compassion,
Sage

[Elbereth]

Thank you DnJ, your words and support are always a comfort.

Sage, thank you so much for following my sitch. And for sharing your struggle with similar feelings. It is very confusing isn’t it? Languishing does ring a bit true. But it feels incomplete. But I agree, defining it with words is hard. Maybe once I finish reading Atlas by Brene, I might realize there is a word for it. I am trying to have an open mind about the future. Know that it will get better and I’ll feel better. But in my soul, I don’t feel it yet. It still feels so out of reach. So far out of my imagination. In fact, I am struggling to even imagine it. It’s a really strange place to be. Sending hugs and compassion your way as well. Yes, I wish we could go for a walk together. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I’ve been dealing with a lot this past week. Trying to get prepared for the upcoming mediation, work is getting worse…three more people gave notice, and I have also been doing a lot of research and soul searching about the next steps I should take and timing. Now it’s just a matter of when I leave this job. I feel so frustrated to have to deal with this too on top of everything else. I lost the person I thought was the love of my life, I lost my dream home, I lost myself, and now I lose the job I had wanted for so long. I feel like I’m in a giant washing machine…sure maybe all the stains will come out and I’ll be better than new, but this tossing and turning and drowning in water is so damn hard. When will it stop? I don’t even feel like I’ve reached the spin cycle yet. And then I feel guilt for focusing so much on myself when people in the world are suffering more than me. Like what is wrong with me? I have a roof over my head, I have decent health, I have some money. Just suck it up.

I had a long convo with my brother last night about things and about my mom. I realize I have a lot of anger towards her right now. My mom is a wonderful person and was an amazing mom, but she is very stuck now in a very unhappy life. She lives very far away, will not travel and is very isolated. Every time I talk to her it’s same story but she refuses to do anything about her life. A million excuses. I feel so sad for her and wish so much that she had a different life. But all she wants to do is complain about it…and complain to me about it. And the burden of her unhappiness is more than I can bear in my current situation. This situation has been going on a very long time. I feel angry because I feel cheated out of a life with my mom. She won’t visit, we have to go there, and I want her here. Being there is being in her unhappy life. It’s also exhausting. She’s better away from it but she won’t go anywhere. I feel sad when others talk about how their mom was right there to help them when they are going through hard times. My mom will listen on the phone, but it’s not enough. Especially because her own unhappiness always becomes the biggest part of the conversation. And she will say things like “I just don’t want you to ever end up like me” and I get angry because the example she is setting is so bad. She used to be strong. I just find it so frustrating. And I feel sad that she will die so unhappy. But I also know I can change it for her. But it still makes the whole relationship so hard on me emotionally. I did try to set a boundary about not having every conversation be so negative, and it really backfired. She cried and lashed out and denied that she is doing what she is doing, so I have tried to change the subject or get off the phone etc. But it’s hard. She’s been dumping her sadness on me for so long that she is desperate to keep doing it. And I feel guilt because I know she really doesn’t have anyone else to turn to. My brother is much better at handling her unhappiness than I am. But our relationship was always different from theirs.

Anyway, I’m just trying to keep moving forward even at a snails pace. One day and one step at a time. I’m just tired and still very overwhelmed.

El

[Elbereth]

Someone I follow on social media mentioned something that caught my attention. It’s called crisis fatigue. I am wondering if this is some of what I am feeling. When I look back at the events in my life over the past 5 years or so, there was a lot of extreme stress. The stress started long before the bomb drop. In fact, if you have read my thread, I believe it triggered my early menopause transition. Then you add the anger and contempt I experienced before the BD, the affair, the trauma of having to manage the remodeling and selling of my dream home while my life fell apart…it’s clear I suffered and lost a lot of what I thought my life would be. Add in the gaslighting, the projecting, the confusion, and all the other MLC, narcissistic behaviors… no wonder I am shut down and numb. I’ve been struggling to just get through. To reach each day. To get better. To find my way. Good or bad…it’s still more exhausting effort which feels like no end. Maybe my body and mind is just trying to say its done. So it’s frozen again. I’m shut down…mostly.

I mean I am kind of functioning. I got my health back, I’m eating decent, I’m getting some exercise, I’m doing things with friends, I’m reading and healing, but I’m also still struggling…to get through the divorce, to now find a new job/direction, to move into an apartment… I can’t stop moving because I feel like I have no choice, but my mind and body I think are trying to get me to stop…not by screaming and falling apart. But rather by going quiet. Feeling unmotivated. By not being able to dream about anything, except if I will watch a show on Netflix with popcorn or go to bed. It’s a chore to get through each day. I feel like I’m in a fog…distracted, shut down, lost.

I know I am strong enough to get through it all. I know I have a future ahead…but as I mentioned above, I’m struggling to visualize it or get excited about it. I wish I could just take six months off and go to some healing retreat where I could just focus on healing and not necessarily on living. But I can’t. I know no one will take care of me but me. I have no one but myself.

Anyway, these are the thoughts running through my brain tonight. I wonder if anyone else has heard of this and if they think this is real? Or if it’s just depression.

El

[Elbereth]

I signed up again for another month on BetterHelp. The first counselor they selected for me had only 4 years of experience. No way. She was a baby. After I rejected that one, I selected another one from a list of options. I prefer at least 10 years of experience. Waiting to see how that selection plays out. I honestly have so little bandwidth to manage finding one…so I guess I’m just hoping that I might get lucky with a good one picked for me based on my description. I couldn’t find one that said ‘betrayal trauma’ exactly but the one I selected does help with life changes and trauma (among other things). Wish me luck. It would be so great if she feels like a good match for me. Still waiting to hear from her…so I’ll let you know how it goes.

I will probably quit my job this week or next. I think I have to for my own health and sanity. My coworker that I work directly with is also struggling. It’s affect on her health is also pretty bad…but her therapists doesn’t want her to make a change until they get her health back up. However, it’s so bad right now with everyone quitting and all the drama, I’m not sure she can hold out either. For me, I do have fears about finding a new job, but I also realize I can’t manage it all. And I am struggling to get any work done and they have been paying me later and later and I don’t like having two months of income outstanding at a time. I’ve lost all faith or trust in the new management. It’s sad. The company was a leader in the industry…and all the top talent has been quitting. It’s a sinking ship.

Gathering discovery for the D, as well as anything I can think of to plan the strategy. With taxes, I discovered that my STBXH did receive some giant bonus or something right after he told me he wanted a D. So that was pretty upsetting. Almost like he got me out of the way first after all the years of taking my income to raise his kids that was over what I should have contributed based on their parenting plan (with his XW). I’m nervous about mediation, but I am trying to get everything ready as soon as possible so that I can really see the strategy that my L is planning. Our tax guy hinted at a refund too, so I am curious what that might look like. And more money to fight over.

Also, trying to prepare for the move to the new apartment. Feeling sad that I need to sell/get rid of more of the things I own. But also feeling sad that maybe I will never have a need for some of it either. It’s such a confusing time. I just want to be past all of this already. I just want a calm, normal level of stress life again. I want to feel excited when I wake up in the morning. I find myself so distracted it’s hard to work, then exhausted by 3 pm to where I have to nap. This is not normal. This is not the existence I want to have. I am working in yoga and walks, but sometimes I need a nap after that as well.

Anyway, snails pace…moving forward super slowly…lots of things to deal with, and just trying to do the best that I can.

[DnJ]

Good Morning El

I’ve lost all faith or trust in the new management. It’s sad. The company was a leader in the industry…

I didn’t know you worked for the same company as I. LOL.

Sorry you are to the point of needing to quit for your own sanity.

Languishing does ring a bit true. But it feels incomplete. But I agree, defining it with words is hard. Maybe once I finish reading Atlas by Brene, I might realize there is a word for it. I am trying to have an open mind about the future. Know that it will get better and I’ll feel better. But in my soul, I don’t feel it yet. It still feels so out of reach. So far out of my imagination. In fact, I am struggling to even imagine it. It’s a really strange place to be.

Depression is difficult to put into words. Like any emotional state, defining it with words lacks the full intellectual clarity we are trying to convey and define.

Thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. The first, is more intellectually based and most easily conversed and conveyed. Language’s basic purpose is to convey one’s thoughts. Our thoughts are highly conscious and controllable.

Feelings and emotions are born from the subconscious. This realm is influenced by our thoughts and actions and values, and is not directly controllable. Makes it all the harder to pinpoint specific wording to describe what one is feeling.

Beliefs and convictions are the realm of the soul. This, like emotions, has a propensity of nonspecific clarity when being described. It’s faith. Very hard to just conjure or control like we can a thought. One just has it or not. More or less.

While within the strange limbo of depression it is near impossible to imagine a bright future. It’s one of the elements that define depression, the lack of ability to see feel a better future.

You touched on something, an excellent way forward (IMHO) - “But in my soul, I don’t feel it yet”.

Faith, belief, soul - is more than feelings. It’s not thoughts. It’s not feelings. It’s both and neither. It’s faith. Ha, like I said, difficult to convey with words. You won’t feel it in your soul, and you so very will. (Honest, I’m not talking in circles. Lol)

I feel so frustrated to have to deal with [the job] too on top of everything else. I lost the person I thought was the love of my life, I lost my dream home, I lost myself, and now I lose the job I had wanted for so long. I feel like I’m in a giant washing machine…sure maybe all the stains will come out and I’ll be better than new, but this tossing and turning and drowning in water is so damn hard. When will it stop? I don’t even feel like I’ve reached the spin cycle yet. And then I feel guilt for focusing so much on myself when people in the world are suffering more than me. Like what is wrong with me? I have a roof over my head, I have decent health, I have some money. Just suck it up.

This last bit, depression, is the hardest of the path towards acceptance. Everything, the loss, becomes real. Is real. You are just finding your way to emotionally accepting that. By the way, you’ve long ago intellectually accepted/understood what happened; emotional acceptance is basically emotional understanding.

A few ideas and bits of advice/suggestions from what I discovered:

I lost the person I thought was the love of my life: Yes you did loose H. Yes you did, and still do, love H. And you have temporarily lost the love of your life, which is you! Love you! First and foremost. H’s path is about him, always has been. Your path is about you.

I lost my dream home: It is difficult letting go of a dream/reality. The sticks and walls of that house did not contain the feelings and beliefs of the dream and of home. You did! You can believe and live and have another dream home, and life.

I lost myself: (((Hugs))) Finding ourselves within all this wreckage, discovering ourselves - again, is amazing. This golden opportunity is painful and so worth the effort. For a while, I did not see my great future. Did not look forward to tomorrow. Now, things are very much different and blessed.

I lose the job I had wanted for so long: You haven’t lost the job, yet. Ensure you make decisions based upon intellect and reason, not those temporary and fleeting feelings.

The washing machine is an excellent analogy. The spin cycle. When will it stop. And so on… For what it’s worth, realize we don’t get the stains out. Those stains are what make us better than before. Love and embrace your life and past. Each and every past moment was necessary. Each and every present moment is an opportunity.

“Like what is wrong with me?” Nothing is wrong with you. All perfectly healthy and normal part of the path.

I had a long convo with my brother last night about things and about my mom. I realize I have a lot of anger towards her right now.

Excellent realization. Something to work on, let go of, for that inner peace you desire.

My mom is a wonderful person and was an amazing mom, but she is very stuck now in a very unhappy life. She lives very far away, will not travel and is very isolated. Every time I talk to her it’s same story but she refuses to do anything about her life. A million excuses.

It is difficult to inspire someone into action.

I feel so sad for her and wish so much that she had a different life.

In my humble opinion, this is also your feelings about yourself.

But all she wants to do is complain about it…and complain to me about it.

Oddly. Strangely. Funnily. Not sure which. Years ago I brought this kind of thing up with my Mom and Dad. I felt they were complaining too much. Mom told me she liked complaining. Lol.

Looking at the facts of their life, the action of their life, instead of the words and how I would live, I realized they are happy.

And the burden of her unhappiness is more than I can bear in my current situation. This situation has been going on a very long time.

And not your’s to fix. Which I know you wisely see and understand.

I feel angry because I feel cheated out of a life with my mom. She won’t visit, we have to go there, and I want her here.

Yep. Perfectly understandable feeling angry. You want her to visit. She won’t. Unmet expectations create resentment and anger.

You only control you. Inspire better not bitter within yourself.

Being there is being in her unhappy life. It’s also exhausting. She’s better away from it but she won’t go anywhere.

I had a grandfather like that. He refused to go anywhere. When grandma, his wife, had an aneurysm and was inches from death, he still refused to leave his hometown to even go be with her. Some people really do become, or are, incapable of moving beyond what is comfortable.

By the way, my grandma did recover, spending 2 months in hospital in my city. Grandpa, all the while by himself. They lived together for many more years until he died. She outliving him for another two.

I feel sad when others talk about how their mom was right there to help them when they are going through hard times.

Sorry. That does sound rough. In-person does provide a different level of support.

My mom will listen on the phone, but it’s not enough. Especially because her own unhappiness always becomes the biggest part of the conversation. And she will say things like “I just don’t want you to ever end up like me” and I get angry because the example she is setting is so bad. She used to be strong. I just find it so frustrating. And I feel sad that she will die so unhappy. But I also know I can change it for her. But it still makes the whole relationship so hard on me emotionally.

I am guessing you meant “…I can’t change it for her.”

However, I also suppose part of you is saying you feel you can make her life a bit brighter. Although the burden of doing so is temporarily just that - a burden.

I did try to set a boundary about not having every conversation be so negative, and it really backfired. She cried and lashed out and denied that she is doing what she is doing, so I have tried to change the subject or get off the phone etc. But it’s hard. She’s been dumping her sadness on me for so long that she is desperate to keep doing it. And I feel guilt because I know she really doesn’t have anyone else to turn to. My brother is much better at handling her unhappiness than I am. But our relationship was always different from theirs.

(((Hug)))

It is so hard to watch and let such occur in someone we love so. And yes, there are feelings of guilt.

Our path. Along with our own mid life transition, our spouse’s crisis, all the loss, we are coming to terms with our parents’ morality. (And our own.)

I mean I am kind of functioning. I got my health back, I’m eating decent, I’m getting some exercise, I’m doing things with friends, I’m reading and healing, but I’m also still struggling…to get through the divorce, to now find a new job/direction, to move into an apartment… I can’t stop moving because I feel like I have no choice, but my mind and body I think are trying to get me to stop…not by screaming and falling apart. But rather by going quiet. Feeling unmotivated. By not being able to dream about anything, except if I will watch a show on Netflix with popcorn or go to bed. It’s a chore to get through each day. I feel like I’m in a fog…distracted, shut down, lost.

Elbereth, struggling is ok. Snails pace is ok. 1% forward, heck 0.1% forward IS infinitely better than 0%. You are making progress!

“I can’t stop moving because I feel like I have no choice, but my mind and body I think are trying to get me to stop…not by screaming and falling apart. But rather by going quiet.”

That concerns me a bit. You feel compelled to keep moving? What happens when you just be calm and still?

To be clear, I’m not worried you are heading to some disaster. No, I just see you needing to reconcile your “cars”. To get your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual paths aligned. With those four cars more side by side and travelling similar speed and direction, much peace and contentment awaits.

I do like my car analogy (if you recall it from a couple of years ago). We can only drive on car at a time. We switch or focus on one of our four paths at a time. An accuracy which allows one to see deficits in one path vs another, and allows one to maintain enough focus and conscious investment into all paths to ensure we are journeying well.

Perhaps your physical car needs to pull over for a bit. However, in truth, I believe it’s your emotional car that is zooming along. Doing things because you feel you need to. Take the focus off that “needed to” action, and do something not needed to. If that makes any sense.

I know I am strong enough to get through it all. I know I have a future ahead…but as I mentioned above, I’m struggling to visualize it or get excited about it. I wish I could just take six months off and go to some healing retreat where I could just focus on healing and not necessarily on living. But I can’t. I know no one will take care of me but me. I have no one but myself.

Anyway, these are the thoughts running through my brain tonight. I wonder if anyone else has heard of this and if they think this is real? Or if it’s just depression.

Yes you are strong and will make your way through the fog. The demands of day to day living do tend to pile up once and a while. It is a nice wish to just be able focus on other parts of one’s life for a bit. Of course you know you can’t. Well, won’t is really what’s going on. Seeing it as can’t removes your control of the situation.

Good job preparing for mediation. H’s timing of BD and his bonus is rather typical of these folks. He is in for a starling financial wake up call methinks.

Also, trying to prepare for the move to the new apartment. Feeling sad that I need to sell/get rid of more of the things I own. But also feeling sad that maybe I will never have a need for some of it either. It’s such a confusing time.

Downsizing, especially like this, is not much fun. You are doing fine.

I just want to be past all of this already. I just want a calm, normal level of stress life again. I want to feel excited when I wake up in the morning.

It is coming my dear. And far sooner than you feel it is.

Realize you are not alone on this journey. Several folks are walking beside you.

Have a great day my friend.

D

[Elbereth]

DnJ, thank you for your long and wonderful message. I’ve actually read it a couple of times! Thank you!

I’ve been a bit overwhelmed and won’t get into much of it now. But the short of it is I did quit my job, and I’m dealing with getting things settled there, and I’ve been deep into discovery in prep for the D mediation. So, I’ve been emotionally and physically overwhelmed and have found it hard to get on here. The tank has been running empty.

I’ll be back with more of an update in a bit when I can get my breath…

Love and hugs to all of you!

El

[DnJ]

Good Morning El

It was nice to hear from you.

Sorry you are so depleted. This path can sure be draining at times; it’s quite a slog.

Take of yourself. Ensure you squeak in some time for you, amidst the current tasks.

(((Hug)))

D

[Elbereth]

My, it's been a stressful few weeks.

Leaving the job... It was demoralizing to not have anyone ask me to stay, but then again, I've been strung along with empty promises so long, why did I expect anything different? It just hard I guess to realize that you can invest so much of yourself into your work and marriage and in the end, it just gets tossed aside. And you are left feeling like it was all such a waste of time.

Feelings and emotions are born from the subconscious. This realm is influenced by our thoughts and actions and values, and is not directly controllable. Makes it all the harder to pinpoint specific wording to describe what one is feeling.

So true. I find I struggle to put my feelings into words. And when I try, I feel like I'm defending myself and not understood...not here...but with people who know me. My brother stopped by and I got all sweaty and upset talking to him. I know he is coming from a place of love, but he told me that he thinks I need to be more positive and he thinks I should do this, or that, and why don't I talk to them about where I am at. And how he doesn't understand why I seem to be so buried in it, and not through it.

While within the strange limbo of depression it is near impossible to imagine a bright future. It’s one of the elements that define depression, the lack of ability to see feel a better future.

You touched on something, an excellent way forward (IMHO) - “But in my soul, I don’t feel it yet”.

Faith, belief, soul - is more than feelings. It’s not thoughts. It’s not feelings. It’s both and neither. It’s faith. Ha, like I said, difficult to convey with words. You won’t feel it in your soul, and you so very will. (Honest, I’m not talking in circles. Lol)

I told him I don't see it yet...and that has to be okay. I am moving forward the best way I can.

This last bit, depression, is the hardest of the path towards acceptance. Everything, the loss, becomes real. Is real. You are just finding your way to emotionally accepting that. By the way, you’ve long ago intellectually accepted/understood what happened; emotional acceptance is basically emotional understanding.

A few ideas and bits of advice/suggestions from what I discovered:

I lost the person I thought was the love of my life: Yes you did loose H. Yes you did, and still do, love H. And you have temporarily lost the love of your life, which is you! Love you! First and foremost. H’s path is about him, always has been. Your path is about you.

I lost my dream home: It is difficult letting go of a dream/reality. The sticks and walls of that house did not contain the feelings and beliefs of the dream and of home. You did! You can believe and live and have another dream home, and life.

I lost myself: (((Hugs))) Finding ourselves within all this wreckage, discovering ourselves - again, is amazing. This golden opportunity is painful and so worth the effort. For a while, I did not see my great future. Did not look forward to tomorrow. Now, things are very much different and blessed.

I lose the job I had wanted for so long: You haven’t lost the job, yet. Ensure you make decisions based upon intellect and reason, not those temporary and fleeting feelings.

The washing machine is an excellent analogy. The spin cycle. When will it stop. And so on… For what it’s worth, realize we don’t get the stains out. Those stains are what make us better than before. Love and embrace your life and past. Each and every past moment was necessary. Each and every present moment is an opportunity.

Thanks for this...

My mom will listen on the phone, but it’s not enough. Especially because her own unhappiness always becomes the biggest part of the conversation. And she will say things like “I just don’t want you to ever end up like me” and I get angry because the example she is setting is so bad. She used to be strong. I just find it so frustrating. And I feel sad that she will die so unhappy. But I also know I can change it for her. But it still makes the whole relationship so hard on me emotionally.

I am guessing you meant “…I can’t change it for her.”

However, I also suppose part of you is saying you feel you can make her life a bit brighter. Although the burden of doing so is temporarily just that - a burden.

Yes, all this and the above is true. And, yes "I can't change it for her" is what I meant. Typos. And yes, I listen to try to help her even though sometimes I dread our conversations for it.

I realized she is very codependent and that her stresses are what drives her. And I also realize there are some of those behaviors that I inherited...such as doing too much for the ones I love and losing myself in the process.

It is so hard to watch and let such occur in someone we love so. And yes, there are feelings of guilt.

Our path. Along with our own mid life transition, our spouse’s crisis, all the loss, we are coming to terms with our parents’ morality. (And our own.)

So true.

I mean I am kind of functioning. I got my health back, I’m eating decent, I’m getting some exercise, I’m doing things with friends, I’m reading and healing, but I’m also still struggling…to get through the divorce, to now find a new job/direction, to move into an apartment… I can’t stop moving because I feel like I have no choice, but my mind and body I think are trying to get me to stop…not by screaming and falling apart. But rather by going quiet. Feeling unmotivated. By not being able to dream about anything, except if I will watch a show on Netflix with popcorn or go to bed. It’s a chore to get through each day. I feel like I’m in a fog…distracted, shut down, lost.

Elbereth, struggling is ok. Snails pace is ok. 1% forward, heck 0.1% forward IS infinitely better than 0%. You are making progress!

“I can’t stop moving because I feel like I have no choice, but my mind and body I think are trying to get me to stop…not by screaming and falling apart. But rather by going quiet.”

That concerns me a bit. You feel compelled to keep moving? What happens when you just be calm and still?

To be clear, I’m not worried you are heading to some disaster. No, I just see you needing to reconcile your “cars”. To get your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual paths aligned. With those four cars more side by side and travelling similar speed and direction, much peace and contentment awaits.

I do like my car analogy (if you recall it from a couple of years ago). We can only drive on car at a time. We switch or focus on one of our four paths at a time. An accuracy which allows one to see deficits in one path vs another, and allows one to maintain enough focus and conscious investment into all paths to ensure we are journeying well.

Perhaps your physical car needs to pull over for a bit. However, in truth, I believe it’s your emotional car that is zooming along. Doing things because you feel you need to. Take the focus off that “needed to” action, and do something not needed to. If that makes any sense.

I don't feel like time is allowing me to be able to adjust the focus where I need it to be. I am sort of forced into a timeline with the move, the mediation, etc. I'm trying. I am trying to take time for my mental and physical health, but I am not in a position to sit still. At least not for long. I did take the weekend to relax...but now this week I have to get ready for mediation and for the move...

Yes you are strong and will make your way through the fog. The demands of day to day living do tend to pile up once and a while. It is a nice wish to just be able focus on other parts of one’s life for a bit. Of course you know you can’t. Well, won’t is really what’s going on. Seeing it as can’t removes your control of the situation.

I will take time after I get through this period. At least where I can while I try to find new work.

Realize you are not alone on this journey. Several folks are walking beside you.

Knowing this is helping me to keep going. Thank you to all of you sharing this awful journey with me.

El