Okay so I got Divorce Remedy about 2 weeks ago. And I really have needed to share my story amd talk to others who get this. My friends and family just want me to let go and I cant tell them about this as they would never understand.
So first I'll start by saying that my husband and I have been together for 4 and a half years. Married for a year and a half now. My husband has cheated on me all of 3 times now. One was a year into our relationship he talked to a OW for 2 days then told her he was in a relationship and ended it. So it was short but it really shook me as ive been cheated on before alot. And I dont believe we ever truly completely healed from that due to not doing the work necessary. I never truly trusted him 100% and over the years I had some issues with spying on him a bit, just with LIFE360 which we both did for safety reason and looking at his phone. Honestly I didint even see it as a privacy issue it just became a habit for and my husband never really communicated effectively with me that he was having issues with it either. After months and months of build up he would just explode about it. Anyways in November of 2020 he talked to a woman for 2 months, they never met up but they talked every day, mainly just about their days, the OW hadnt known he was married and he had ended it right before she found out. So February was when I found out and we had been working on trust since then again. Now me and my husband have been in a good place for a few months, good times and all, making plans, he got a new job and put me on all his benefactor stuff everything which was in May so everything seemed fine.
Then it happened, my husband was working an event and I was there, a rodeo, we ran into eachother and all was good. Later in the night there was a little miscommunication where he had thought I had left and I hadnt so he had asked me if I was there, I replied back. Then he got chewed out my his boss for being on his phone. I had found him a few minutes after and he basically yelled and flipped out on me about still being there and told me "its like your just here to spy on me" I tried explaining to him that I wasnt and I was just trying to enjoy the event but he was in his mood so I devided to leave. That's the event before he came home and told me he thought we should seperate for awhile. We decided to make a time to decide our rules for it. He said he only wanted 2 weeks, etc. And that the time was for us to get space and was NOT for talking to other people. Well it never happened as the first day of the separation I found out he had made a Tinder and confronted him. He wouldnt ever really talk to me about it specfically and just said he was done. Said he wanted a divorce. That was about 3 weeks ago. Since then we have slept in the same bed, cuddled, even have had sex a few times. He invited me to a family dinner and talked about our future to people so I thought maybe the divorce was out of anger and we were okay. He even drank a bit and said dinner and after told me that "I make him so happy and that I was beautiful and we were going to work on my future now" (Little backstory my husband did 6 months for basic and AIT and I had to put my career on hold for helping him through that and until he got the police job he wanted). Anyways so the a few days later we had a relationship talk and he said he wants to start talking to a lawyer. And I was completely shocked, I had thought we were good, I tried bringing up the night he told me those things but he just said "he doesnt remember them" so basically that he doesn't recognize that he said those things. My husband is a pessimist (tells me that himself) so he has been rewriting our marriage alot lately yo make it seems bad. Anyways I of course pleaded with him yo give us longer, to consider separation and he wouldn't even discuss them. For the last week or 2 he has worked constantly so we havent talked much more about anything. I havent even gotten yo talk to him about why he wants a divorce and what problems he feels we have.
Also I found out about a week ago he had sex with another woman who he hasnt talked to since she found out he was married. When I confronted him about it I was hurt and mad, he immediately got his keys and wallet and drove to his moms, he wouldnt talk to me at all about. The one questions I asked him was "Are you sure about the divorce because your not in love with me anymore or because you dont think I'll ever forgive you for this? And he said "a bit of both" which I replied "so you dont love me? And he said "I do love you. And drove off Now we were technically separated I guess since he said hes 100% sure about divorce. But during this time we were in the same bed and having sex still. Now obviously I am hurt to my core about all of this but since then I havent brought it up. I decided for myself to forgive him and let I go, at least for noe. Now I know he has a Tinder and has been talking to other people I'm sure.
Tad bit about my husband, I am 27, he is 24. I was his first kiss and everything. He was homeschooled and very sheltered by his very controlling mother. I do not complain about mothers ever and I have always encouraged their relationship. She even watches my 7 year old son. But she is the most judgmental people I know. She has 4 sons. My husband is then only one that even talks to her. As in like years and years. She hates anyone her son's date as she wants them to be all about her. So for our entire relationship she has bad mouthed me, even when she didny know me to him and he has always ignored her. But as we know hearing someone say things loudly over and over for years things can seep in. I truly believe my husband was considering trying for our marriage right before I confronted him about the OW he had sex with, but after that he stayed at his moms and I believe in the state he was in her words resonnated in him now. Since then he has told me he wants a divorce and he wants us to get a lawyer. That's the only discussion we have had on the subject which was about a week ago I'd say.
Now I have decided I am going to DB to the very end. Its been hard but I have kept my faith. Today it is starting to waiver. Though we have still been in the bed my husband has started to kiss me less and has said "we need to stop sleeping together, it confuses things" I dont know if he means more for me having hope or for him. My husband is acting differently which hurts and I know its his guilt over the cheating and the only 2 people he has in his ears are against marraige and encourage sleeping around and freedom. Which I know doesnt help, he's never seen a good marriage before. Anyways this is my story thus far, I know its alot and I apologize, I hope some will read this as I really need help, I wanted to give alot of info as to give a rounded story of us.
Side note: We were texting some stuff and I sent his these funny picture and he texted me "I love the [censored] out of you" only few days ago.
Few questions I have:
Should I be having sex and sleeping with him? There's not much in the book on this, especially since he's talking to other women. But I'm conflicted, sex gives intimacy and cuddling does to so part of me feels like I should keep doing these things as he allows to have our intimacy still there. But alot of methods say to detach and not pursue etc. So I'm worried that maybe I shouldnt be giving him these things. Just not sure what the best course of action is for my situation. Help!
Any tips or advice is very much appreciated.
Also almost every day he has told me he loves me and that I'm his Best Friend still.
Artemis welcome to the board you will get some really good advice here. I am going to refrain from giving you advice right now because you are new on the board, but I will answer your question and comment below.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
Should I be having sex and sleeping with him?
Absolutely not! This is known as cake eating.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
Also almost every day he has told me he loves me and that I'm his Best Friend still.
In these situations you need to look at actions only and not words. Do affairs and talking to other woman (actions) support the words?
Sorry you're here. We've all been in similar situations and can empathize with you. I'm not the most experienced person on the board, but I'll weigh in...
Originally Posted by Artemis1
Okay so I got Divorce Remedy about 2 weeks ago. And I really have needed to share my story amd talk to others who get this. My friends and family just want me to let go and I cant tell them about this as they would never understand.
Only you can decide what is right for you - don't let your friends and family (or us) determine how you live your life. That said...
Originally Posted by Artemis1
So first I'll start by saying that my husband and I have been together for 4 and a half years. Married for a year and a half now. My husband has cheated on me all of 3 times now.
He's cheated on you with 3 different women in just 4 and a half years??? That's a MAJOR concern, and will likely continue to be a pattern going forward even if you reconcile. Are you ready to deal with that for the rest of your life?
Originally Posted by Artemis1
One was a year into our relationship he talked to a OW for 2 days then told her he was in a relationship and ended it. So it was short but it really shook me as ive been cheated on before alot.
You've been cheated on a lot in previous relationships? Have you considered why that is? Do you respect yourself and set boundaries?
Originally Posted by Artemis1
basically yelled and flipped out on me about still being there and told me "its like your just here to spy on me"
Perhaps he was projecting? Cheaters often blame the other person for their bad behavior.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
That's the event before he came home and told me he thought we should seperate for awhile. We decided to make a time to decide our rules for it. He said he only wanted 2 weeks, etc. And that the time was for us to get space and was NOT for talking to other people. Well it never happened as the first day of the separation I found out he had made a Tinder and confronted him.
Seems like almost always when people want to separate there's already another person, or they're jonesing for one - more often than not it's not just to "think things through" or "work on themselves" as they like to say.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
He wouldnt ever really talk to me about it specfically and just said he was done. Said he wanted a divorce. That was about 3 weeks ago. Since then we have slept in the same bed, cuddled, even have had sex a few times. He invited me to a family dinner and talked about our future to people so I thought maybe the divorce was out of anger and we were okay. He even drank a bit and said dinner and after told me that "I make him so happy and that I was beautiful and we were going to work on my future now" (Little backstory my husband did 6 months for basic and AIT and I had to put my career on hold for helping him through that and until he got the police job he wanted). Anyways so the a few days later we had a relationship talk and he said he wants to start talking to a lawyer. And I was completely shocked, I had thought we were good, I tried bringing up the night he told me those things but he just said "he doesnt remember them" so basically that he doesn't recognize that he said those things. My husband is a pessimist (tells me that himself) so he has been rewriting our marriage alot lately yo make it seems bad. Anyways I of course pleaded with him yo give us longer, to consider separation and he wouldn't even discuss them. For the last week or 2 he has worked constantly so we havent talked much more about anything. I havent even gotten yo talk to him about why he wants a divorce and what problems he feels we have.
You have sex and cuddle with a man who is having affairs and tells you he wants to divorce? Time to cut that out, imo. Sounds like he's using you and enjoying playing the field at the same time. It's extremely difficult - I completely get it - but you need to stand up and start respecting yourself. Stop pleading, start working on yourself and moving away from him.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
Also I found out about a week ago he had sex with another woman who he hasnt talked to since she found out he was married. When I confronted him about it I was hurt and mad, he immediately got his keys and wallet and drove to his moms, he wouldnt talk to me at all about. The one questions I asked him was "Are you sure about the divorce because your not in love with me anymore or because you dont think I'll ever forgive you for this? And he said "a bit of both" which I replied "so you dont love me? And he said "I do love you. And drove off Now we were technically separated I guess since he said hes 100% sure about divorce. But during this time we were in the same bed and having sex still. Now obviously I am hurt to my core about all of this but since then I havent brought it up. I decided for myself to forgive him and let I go, at least for noe. Now I know he has a Tinder and has been talking to other people I'm sure.
Unfortunately no surprise he slept with someone else. He's giving you a clear message he does not respect you and is not prioritizing you. He's slept with another woman and is pursuing more right in your face, and asking for divorce. Harsh, but true. Step up and protect yourself.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
Tad bit about my husband, I am 27, he is 24. I was his first kiss and everything. He was homeschooled and very sheltered by his very controlling mother. I do not complain about mothers ever and I have always encouraged their relationship. She even watches my 7 year old son.
27 is very young in the scheme of things. You'll be alright. I assume you're 7yo son is not his, based on the length of your relationship? Do you have any children together?
Originally Posted by Artemis1
But she is the most judgmental people I know. She has 4 sons. My husband is then only one that even talks to her. As in like years and years. She hates anyone her son's date as she wants them to be all about her. So for our entire relationship she has bad mouthed me, even when she didny know me to him and he has always ignored her. But as we know hearing someone say things loudly over and over for years things can seep in.
I vastly underestimated the extent to which my Ex-W's parental history would play into our marriage. Both her parents were married 3 times. Her mom had an affair on her dad and split up the family when she was a teen. HUGE red flag I overlooked. If his mom is talking down about you to him, that's a big flag.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
I truly believe my husband was considering trying for our marriage right before I confronted him about the OW he had sex with, but after that he stayed at his moms and I believe in the state he was in her words resonnated in him now. Since then he has told me he wants a divorce and he wants us to get a lawyer. That's the only discussion we have had on the subject which was about a week ago I'd say.
I don't buy it. He was having affairs and asking for divorce - your confrontation maybe didn't help but wasn't the deciding factor. No one thing you say would change his mind. However, avoid these things in the future. Mistakes happen...you can only control what you do going forward.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
Now I have decided I am going to DB to the very end. Its been hard but I have kept my faith. Today it is starting to waiver. Though we have still been in the bed my husband has started to kiss me less and has said "we need to stop sleeping together, it confuses things"
Good! Stand up for yourself! Don't let him use you. If nothing else, he'll respect you more.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
he's never seen a good marriage before.
Big red flag, in retrospect. My Ex-W was modeled to cheat and divorce. Even if she said she didn't want to be like that, her past is a MAJOR influence that kicks in. Same for your husband, possibly.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
Anyways this is my story thus far, I know its alot and I apologize, I hope some will read this as I really need help, I wanted to give alot of info as to give a rounded story of us.
Don't apologize. It's good you're reaching out for support.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
Should I be having sex and sleeping with him? There's not much in the book on this, especially since he's talking to other women. But I'm conflicted, sex gives intimacy and cuddling does to so part of me feels like I should keep doing these things as he allows to have our intimacy still there. But alot of methods say to detach and not pursue etc. So I'm worried that maybe I shouldnt be giving him these things. Just not sure what the best course of action is for my situation. Help!
I wouldn't if I were you. He's probably getting kicks about being able to have sex with multiple woman. Make sure he knows he has to choose between you and the others. But that's just my opinion. This might be a debated point.
Artemis1 - I'm concerned when you say you've been cheated on a lot in the past, and your husband has cheated on you 3 times in 4.5 years. Do you respect yourself? How is your self-esteem? It's very difficult because you're in shock and scared and want something that unfortunately is not entirely in your control, but it's important to stand up and act strong right now so your H respects you, as opposed to weak and scared. Act as if you love life and will be completely fine without him. What you'll hear a lot on here is working on yourself (physically, mentally, spiritually...etc.). The one thing you can control is how you act and how you improve yourself. Work out, go out with friends, take trips. Do not pursue him or beg or plead. Work on improving yourself. Over time that will make you stronger, more confident, and more attractive to your H (and others).
Last edited by BL42; 07/07/2103:01 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 08:23 AM. Me-67, D34,S33
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'll start by saying that my husband and I have been together for 4 and a half years. Married for a year and a half now. My husband has cheated on me all of 3 times now.. ive been cheated on before alot.
Is this marriage worth saving? He's cheated on you 3x you know about in 4.5yrs. He even lies to the OW. Artemis, most people wouldn't consider someone so dishonest a good partner. You're 27 and don't have kids together.
Why is cheating acceptable to you? He had an EA before you got married. Repeatedly choosing cheaters isn't random chance. It points to something within you to fix. I've dated dozens of people, and no cheaters afaik.
Originally Posted by Artemis
I found out about a week ago he had sex with another woman Should I be having sex and sleeping with him? But I'm conflicted, sex gives intimacy and cuddling does to
My advice is "No". Sex while in limbo is usually okay if: (a) He's not sleeping with others, (b) You can enjoy it as a purely physical act. In your case neither is true. Consider the chance of an STI which would complicate your dating future or even life. Consider he gets to cake eat--guaranteed sex and affection from his Plan B, while he seeks out his Plan A. Consider how it reduces your value in his eyes to be willing to continue offering your committed affection while you know he's out bedding others. Consider how it prevents you from detaching from him which is what you'll want to do to either move on or have a real shot at reconciliation.
I've never been a once a cheater always a cheater gal. It's not my jam. I truly believe most people are redeemable. However in this case, he's a 24 year old, very recently ex military& presently a cop. He has a history of cheating. The likelihood of him never cheating on you again is slim. Very, very, very slim.
You don't need to answer this immediately, but when you can can you sit with these questions for a little while and really think about the answers:
~ Why do you want to keep this marriage together? I know you love him. Let's assume that. So what are the reasons besides you loving him that makes you feel it's important and necessary to save this marriage?
~ Why does this man deserve your love? What is that he is/has/does that can make you say I could forgive him if he asked me to and put in the work to keep this relationship going?
~ What is the common denominator in these cheaters aside from you? What personality traits? Hobbies? Mannerisms? Quirks? Family history?
What is happening right now is a lot. It's scary. It's heart breaking. It feels entirely out of your control. I'm sure you're not sleeping or eating. When you're ready we can talk about some self care so you can breathe again. But right now take what little control you have here and sit with these questions. Read Sandi's rules in Job's post. Keep reading DR. And try to slow yourself down. One thing we like to say around here is time is on your side. Time is on your side your H might be in a hurry to end this but you don't need to race to the finish line. You get to get to your finish line on your timeline.
And in the mean time don't beg, don't plead. Don't let H see you cry or rage. Don't agree to anything. Just slow down and take it one day at a time. And absolutely close that muffin shop girl. If he wants to fire you as his wife, he loses the privileges having a wife offers him, all of them including sex.
Thanks for sharing. Sorry you find yourself in this so familiar situation.
My main advise is to make positive changes to YOUR behavior. Start by challenging your current beliefs. You are going to get so much advise, sometimes it will be conflicting. As much as you think this is about H, it is really about you and how you want to make positive changes to your life.
You will have to evaluate all of your options, make a choice, and live with the consequences of that choices, good, bad or otherwise. Then rinse and repeat for the next set of choices.
Study up on setting and enforcing boundaries ASAP.
You have a whole group of people here that can help you move through this difficult process. It was the best worst thing that I have ever experienced. Crazy looking back that I am glad to have gone through it.
You can handle it.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
