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Hi Lee

Actually, legitimate forgiveness is when one finds forgiveness regardless of the transgressor’s actions or inactions.

There is nothing she can do that would demand forgiveness. Or be deserving of it. Yet, if you can find forgiveness anyhow, you will be much better for it.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Now that I know for a fact that she was having an affair during the entire divorce saga, this colors the entire back and forth communication on text and email between us much differently!

Just going back and reading (don't worry I've only done this a couple of times) the exchanges knowing what I know now-- it's insane!

In late June she texted me:

"If I had any reservations before, your behaviour during all of this has cemented it."

She abandoned me, emotionally abused me, lied to me, her friends and family for 9 months. Cheated on my with a known con man who has lied about 75% of his entire identity to multiple women, Brought this man in our home in the guise of "a friend" and attempted to get me to go to bed so that she could spend private time with him in our home.

It is 100% clear now that I was, in her eyes, irrelevant and subhuman during this entire ordeal. I meant absolutely nothing at all-- just an obstacle

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Welcome to the wonderful world of being a LBS.

As you leave the forest you will start to see the trees. Be thankful that since you have no children you never have to speak to her again.


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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Good Morning Lee

(((Hug)))

Sorry man. It know it hurts.

Originally Posted by LeeChild
It is 100% clear now that I was, in her eyes, irrelevant and subhuman during this entire ordeal. I meant absolutely nothing at all-- just an obstacle

That is her view. One she needed to fabricate and perpetuate.

Do not make it part of yourself. It is her view, not your’s! Nor mine!

Her indifference and treatment towards you speaks about her. Not you! That’s a difficult poison not to drink. And in truth we all drink it. The really path is transmuting the poison we’ve already ingested.

Realize she absolutely needs to make you into the bad guy. Her comment “If I had any reservations before, your behaviour during all of this has cemented it” is her projecting her faults upon you. Her crafting a reality that unjustly justifies what she’s done. Her mind is a confused mess. She is driven by her emotions.

Again, her actions are her’s. She is accountable not you.

Affairs are staggeringly common. As is blaming their loving partner. Do not read too much into her behaviour or communication. Her poisonous words are just that - words. Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

As you continue discovering just how messed up this all was, be gentle on yourself. Define LeeChild as LeeChild truly is and not as your XW says. Let go. Rise above. And become the man you are to become.

There is a wonderful opportunity amidst all this horrible situation. With time and effort you can realize some incredible truths. Keep walking the good path, one small step at a time.

The forest will be seen as trees in time. And you will see beyond the forest, to the meadow, the ocean, the mountains, and the vast and beautiful life in front of you.

One step at a time my friend.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Should I have just left well enough alone? Maybe.

But Christmas was more difficult than I anticipated. I did message a quick "Happy Thanksgiving" to her sister over that Holiday and that sort of opened up lines of communication with her.

so before Christmas, prior to ex-wife coming in town to visit her family, I messaged her sister just laying out what really happened during the past 9-10 months.

She gets back with me, and she had no idea about any of it. She didn't know ex wife was seeing this guy, living with him in Colorado. She thought was she just living there alone.

So I made it all clear. Yes, that's what's going on, and in fact she brought this clown in our home, with me there, and tried to get me to go to bed early so she could spend time with him-- such a huge personal violation. That's my home.

So I get an email from my ex-wife saying "STOP" -- that her sister is "too nice" to tell me to stop emailing her, that the communication is unwanted etc. etc.

The I notice that she is deleting pictures of us on Instagram (since Iam tagged in them) and can watch her image count go down. I know exactly what happened-- her sister brought all this up, my ex wife got angry about it, got all cranked up on wine and started deleting pictures of us. ;D ;D

A few days later her sister emails me, telling me that she did not read my emails to Amanda, but she did mention affair partner and Amanda didn't admit to anything but just got really angry. She said she did not tell her the communication was unwanted and she will email with whoever she pleases. ;D ;D

I am glad that I emailed her sister. There is nothing wrong with making the truth known. Ex wife wants to control the entire narrative and ease this clown into her family eventually. She thinks time is the key to making all this work, that with time family and friends will accept all this and she can bend the story to her will. I am sure she will argue that their relationship happened organically after our divorce and that she did nothing wrong.

It is clear now that her main focus was individually getting with each friend and family member to attempt to control her made up version of the narrative-- anytime I spoke to anyone and simply, calmly told the truth she'd get really angry.

It does her friends and family no justice to believe her lies. I feel like I at least laid the truth out there so they know who they are dealing with moving forward.

All this is just insane. I keep forgetting that she attempted to frame with with the cops due to all the other wild $h!te that's happened!

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Okay -
so I want you to ask yourself - what did this accomplish? For you?

I understand the temptation - you want the truth to be out there, you want to be vindicated.

But unless you expect to continue a close relationship with her family or friends (word of caution - blood almost always wins out) what exactly did this do for you besides letting you vent?

You've made her into your enemy - I'm hoping everything is already completely settled financially and legally with your divorce and she doesn't have any power to cause you trouble? Otherwise you just stirred up a big hornets nest.

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The divorce is over, has been since June 30th. Nothing more to do.

She made an enemy of me when she violated me in our home, bringing this skank sociopath into our marital space while I was there, so I'm really not concerned with her wishes especially since I am doing nothing but telling the truth. I spent months treating her with nothing but respect, validating her feelings, attempting to get to the bottom of the issues and she did nothing but lie to me and everyone.

She gets to cheat and lie. That is her right. I get to tell people what happened, that is my right.

Her family needs to know exactly who they are dealing with here if they are to help her at some point in the future-- and of course she needs help. She's a mentally ill alcoholic who is living with a legitimate sociopath half way across the country.

Knowing exactly how far she's spiraled and how much she is lying right now is of benefit to them I think. They truly need to know where she is mentally right now. This wasn't to sling mud.

This is a person who was very well respected and honest-- it took me a long time to understand that I was dealing with a different person and had I not told her family, it would have likely taken them years.

*I did not mean to leave her name in the post, but I am unable to edit so if mods could please help!

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Ok - so you've given them that information. I recommend you stay out of it now. No need to continue communicating with her sister unless it's just pleasantries that have nothing to do with your ex. Her family will deal - or more likely won't deal - with her situation as they see fit.

I know it's tempting, but it's out of your hands now. Your focus should be on moving forward with your life, creating new social connections, building your new future.

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There's nothing else to say to her anyways. If she needs any particular info from me I will respond. Otherwise-- no need. They know now and the burden is off me.

It's amazing how a person can keep everything from EVERYBODY.

It's lonely being the only person who knows the truth.

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Don't you have friends of your own that you had before and after your marriage? Don't they know the truth?

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