Okay, she’s gone and I can go to bed at the time I wanted to, and I’m starting to feel calmer. I’m glad I didn’t try to say anything to them. I was too angry. This is part of such a clear pattern of passive aggression. With time I think I can tease out my feelings and understand I’m angry because yet more boundaries are being crossed, because I don’t have as much control over this living situation as I’d like, but if his guests stay in his room/front of the house, they can’t actually hurt me. Is there as much power in not caring (if I can get there) as there is in addressing the situation with him, letting him know I feel disrespected, coming to a roommate agreement of upfront notice, masking in common areas, etc? But isn’t that what normal roommates do, not MLCers?
Still there is the sense that my safe space was/is being violated, right after he exposed me to covid and didn’t tell me. It feels like this is more of him trying to exert control over me. My space has already been violated by him in so many ways over the past years, and now he’s found a new way to do it. I sense the better choice is to stay the course, say nothing, let him tire eventually of the limitations of this arrangement. Many things he’s done have been difficult for me in the past, but I’m in better shape now to handle it because I’ve let go of any desire to have him in my life. I love my life now; I’m just ready for him to go on his own path. But this thing has gone on so long, and I’m still obviously struggling with the prospect of major change that didn’t happen—it’s hard to summon the strength and will to keep going. To keep sharing space with his dysfunction, anger, blame, and pain. It’s no longer so much that *my H* is inconsiderate and unkind and controlling and all of this, but that a person living in my house is. It’s exhausting. I was so close, though! About to send off the new lease with just my name on it the day he told me he wasn’t moving.
Thanks for being here and letting my document my unraveling tonight.
I am glad to read you feel calmer and better. We were online at the same time last night and I was agitated just reading about the shenanigans. Well done in living it!
I deleted a last night post that had words like floozy, betrayal, and such. And probably would have lead to yelling. I think your method yielded better results. Lol.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Is there as much power in not caring (if I can get there) as there is in addressing the situation with him, letting him know I feel disrespected, coming to a roommate agreement of upfront notice, masking in common areas, etc? But isn’t that what normal roommates do, not MLCers?
There is power in indifference, which is different than “not caring”.
The power is not in being able to force H do behave, it is how you behave. What you allow to bother you. In that light, there is more power in indifference than trying to address H in the situation.
Getting a MLCer to do something is like herding cats. MLCers are not a normal roommate, as you well know.
Boundaries are good, telling him he is being disrespectful is good. Those are for you and your mental/emotional health; not a way to get or force him to behave a certain way.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I sense the better choice is to stay the course, say nothing, let him tire eventually…
A pretty good plan. Unless you choose something.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I was so close, though! About to send off the new lease with just my name on it the day he told me he wasn’t moving.
You control you.
You could move out and leave him the place.
I realize that is not option number one. However, oftentimes knowing you do have other options can provide strength and resilience to continue. It’s odd, how that knowledge of other choices removes the feeling of defeat from been stuck in a situation, to one of perseverance to see it through.
Does he have a new proposed date of leaving?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi Cardinal, wow, that's jaw-dropping what you went through last night. I have no advice to offer just now--just wanted to let you know others are reading and care.
dealing with an MLCr is akin to living with an actively drinking or drugging substance abuser: they are incapable of consideration for others
However, indifference usually drives them mad. Expect a possible uptick in bad behavior. Stay the course on indifference. You lose every time you engage. You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to.
Getting into a passive aggressive battle won't help you feel any better. Explore other options - leaving the house for a while if he's got guests, talking to lawyer about any legal options you may have (thin, but possible) ...
Ultimately you cannot control the behavior of another and will only drive yourself mad trying. So, what do you need to live your best life? Write it out. Seeing it on paper helps solidify things. Then figure out how to get there. You may be surprised.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yuck. Sorry that happened. He has passive-aggressive behaviour nailed, doesn’t he? You would think he would be more motivated to leave if he is going to be inviting women over. To be fair to her, she may very well have little to no idea about your situation.
I agree with Bttrfly. No point in getting into a contest of passive aggressive behaviour. This may just be a one off or it may be a sign of things to come. Either way, you can only control you and in my opinion, you did a fantastic job of it. What is that mantra around here?? When in doubt, do nothing. Consider all of your options and make a plan. No harm in asking him what his plans are in terms of a move out date as long as you phrase it as a question and not an accusation. If you are going to try to devise a plan with his cooperation, you are definitely going to want to do it when you’re not angry with something he just did. Choose your moment wisely.
I haven't read through your whole situation, so not sure what you & H are still sharing a house, but he is certainly treating you with extreme disrespect. I cam imagine it would be infuriating he had a girl over smoking together in his room with you right there in the house. Not sure what I would've done, but good for you for showing restraint. The actions we desire to take in those circumstances often feel good only for a short time and then we regret them.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Wow, you handled a very hard situation well! I think you got a lot of great advice, so not much to add there. Just that I was checking in and sad to see what happened last night. Sending you strength in dealing with H’s MLC crazy behavior and hoping things resolve soon. This can’t go on forever…so hopefully that helps you manage the difficult stuff in the moment.
Hugs,
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
However, indifference usually drives them mad. Expect a possible uptick in bad behavior. Stay the course on indifference.
Whew, boy.
Thanks to all of you for your support here. It really helped me feel less alone. I was going to write an update about what I'm learning from my anger, and about how I've really felt power in indifference the last several days. But now I am here for a different reason. An uptick in bad behavior.
H packed stuff this morning, as he does pretty regularly, for a short trip away to wherever he goes. I was looking forward to having the house to myself for a few days at least. Tonight he texts me--as I'm getting ready for bed--btw his best friend might be crashing here tonight, just FYI.
That was not something I could be indifferent to. I responded that I was not okay with someone I did not know staying overnight with no notice and without him here, nor was I okay with someone I did not know having a key. I requested advance notice and also said I was not comfortable without certain precautions because we are still in a pandemic.
This was over a few texts, and each time, his reply was incredulous, pointing out how I was being dramatic and unreasonable, and he wouldn't care if I did all this so it shouldn't matter what I wanted, and his friend is having a bad day, etc etc.
I tried to restate my requests as politely as I could. Advance notice, he would have to be here when his guest is here overnight, etc. He could not provide me with a yes, just lots of push back and saying basically what does it matter, they're going to be coming in after I'm asleep anyway--as if having a stranger enter your house after you've gone to sleep is better!
Luckily I had a friend to help me through this while I texted. Luckily I am in much better shape to understand nearly three years into this that this is more gaslighting, and though I may feel the guilt he's trying to heap on me, it's just an old reaction, not reflective of anything I am actually doing wrong.
Even after bttrfly's words, I was taken off guard though. This seemed so clearly over the line to me. My reaction was my gut telling me to not be indifferent about this. It was, I think, a good example of this for me:
Originally Posted by DnJ
Boundaries are good, telling him he is being disrespectful is good. Those are for you and your mental/emotional health; not a way to get or force him to behave a certain way.
Finally I got a couple of thumbs ups from him, but also he could not tell me how often she would be here--"randomly." Who knows if he will abide by any of this. Usually he makes a big show of how horrible it is that I assert myself at all, but does respect my requests. I'm not sure if I need to talk to my L about a roommate agreement or what. H did say this was all ridiculous because he's hopefully moving out soon anyway, so at least I know that's still on his mind. Though his idea of "soon" is usually very different than mine (see: BD 2019).
I'm glad this exchange took place over text, because I could consider my words and appear calm. I thanked him for agreeing (kicking and screaming) to my requests. I can also read the exchange to my IC or anyone and again receive reassurance that, no, haha, nothing I said was unreasonable.
I must say I am a bit afraid at what might come next. I am hoping this is yet another annoyance that will add to his list of reasons to move out, as he says. Maybe he's just got to blow up at me a few more times on his way out the door. If anyone has any good reminders/mantras on how to stay strong through the next leg of this, I'm all ears.
One more note to say I think it helped that I was reading about fierce self-compassion last night and about saying no. Yet I am still picking apart all of the words I chose and wondering if I could have chosen better ones, if I could have seemed even calmer. That is not exactly fierce self-compassion. I am pleased that I said “This is not okay” rather than “you can’t….” I am also reminding myself that even if I said the perfect thing perfectly, objectively phrased, whatever that would be in this scenario, it wouldn’t matter. I would get the same reaction from him. Still working on getting sucked into trying to control for his reactions, I suppose, but I am more aware of that than I once was.
I’ve learned so much about myself through IC and reading and meditation and from this board and friends in the last few years, and I am grateful for all the growth that has come from this experience, grateful for a lot of things that at one point I couldn’t imagine being grateful for.
