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T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Steve_, I do get the sense that you are in a much better place emotionally than you were a few weeks ago. I wish you would coparent without being around her at all, but you get to decide that. Everyone is different. I need to remember that just because I wouldn't want to be friends with my ex-W that it doesn't apply to everyone. I know my ex-GF tried for years to be "friends" and I just wasn't having it.

I think you could really improve yourself most by getting into a good PTSD IC treatment program. I think that along with all you have learned would set you up for potential long-term success in your next R with right person. But that again is up to you.

Keep moving foward!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Steve,

Reading your threads, it sounds like you are in a much better place emotionally. I'm glad you are able to go around your ex and not be drawn in. But just some advice, allow her a chance to figure out her life now, without you as an option.

Can you paint the room? Yes
I understand it's for your daughter, but sooner rather than later, you STBXW will have to learn how to figure out situations without you.

Figure out a way to inform her you are no longer an option, it's best if she start learning how to find a contracting company or person, or she can paint herself to do things in HER life. This is the life she chose. A life without you! Allow her to live that life without you. If you ok with being friends with her find. Friends doesn't mean ACCESS.

You are no longer her husband and placing yourself in that role in any fashion doesn't allow both of you to grow.

I'm glad you are deciding to take your time with this new lady, being high value doesn't stop you from hurting others or from getting hurt.

I also agree with getting out and meeting people and moving forward with your life, it doesn't help to be a hermit.

I spent a lot of time in behavioral heath for all kind of reasons before COVID, it helped. My counselor was a cool dude.

Keep moving forward and posting.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Thank you guys!!!

I really have made a lot of short work in the last month. It was just a general level of acceptance I needed to face. Yes the stbxw still refers to me as “my handsome baby daddy” which grinds my gears but she seems good in her la la land today. I have finished painting the room, I did a great job. I wil assemble my daughters bed (it’s like a little house it’s a pain) put the furniture in and go home.

The new girl in my life mentioned yesterday going up this way for a baptism of her adult friend who is embracing her faith coming up. She wanted to come by and see me, I honestly would like that. It’s not for a couple weeks which will allow the ex to get into the groove of the finality of this. I will take her up hiking and fishing for a day. That’s my plan. And it will be super fun.

I did pick up and extra work day this week. And I have been talking to therapists as well. One from the VA and 2 more from work. And honestly I feel good about where I am. I know I got a ways to go but I’m a hell of a lot better now. In the 8 months I have

Stood alone for my M
Got into therapy and medication
Kept close with the in laws who adore me
Got my own place last second
Cut off my financial ties
Got my credit score over 50 points up
Lost 65 pounds,
Spend lots of time alone, fishing, etc.
Stayed away from bars and dating apps.
Stayed away from alcohol in any kind of excess
Renewed my faith.
Had enough and pushed the D to conclusion.
Read lots of books.
Spent a lot of time with my kids and RC cars outside and in the mountains
Got my degree and signed up for a new IV /blood transfusion certification class which is coming up soon .

So thus far I feel like I’m doing pretty good considering all that’s happened.

Last edited by Steve_; 05/19/21 01:36 AM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,420
Likes: 53
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Originally Posted by Steve_
Thank you guys!!!

I really have made a lot of short work in the last month. It was just a general level of acceptance I needed to face. Yes the stbxw still refers to me as “my handsome baby daddy” which grinds my gears but she seems good in her la la land today. I have finished painting the room, I did a great job. I wil assemble my daughters bed (it’s like a little house it’s a pain) put the furniture in and go home.


Keep working on detachment. The fact that her "pet name" grinds your gears shows you still have a ways to go. This is not a 2x4, lots of LBSs struggle with full detachment. But I will say that if recognizing you still have a ways to go means NOT accepting the invite to help paint the room, then you should not. Think of HER living space as HERS and yours ad yours. Would you have asked her to help paint your D's room at your new place? (And I REALLLLLLLLY hope the answer to that is no!)

Originally Posted by Steve_

The new girl in my life mentioned yesterday going up this way for a baptism of her adult friend who is embracing her faith coming up. She wanted to come by and see me, I honestly would like that. It’s not for a couple weeks which will allow the ex to get into the groove of the finality of this. I will take her up hiking and fishing for a day. That’s my plan. And it will be super fun.


Who cares about the EX's groove?!? More attachment. Do not decide to things based on the EX's feelings on it. You go do you. I am not advocating spending time with this new gal because I think you are LONG ways away from being a healthy half of a couple (your continued attachment to STBXW proves that), but it shouldn't be because of your ex. I really wish Steve_ had more male friends. I think male bonding right now would do you a lot of good.

Originally Posted by Steve_

I did pick up and extra work day this week. And I have been talking to therapists as well. One from the VA and 2 more from work. And honestly I feel good about where I am. I know I got a ways to go but I’m a hell of a lot better now. In the 8 months I have


I am a big advocate of staying busy, and one of the best ways to do that is to work, especially if you are paid by the hour! Working and earning money is always good use of time. I remember several years ago I had two jobs. It was amazing how fast my savings grew as one benefit of working a lot is you aren't spending money!

Originally Posted by Steve_

Stood alone for my M
Got into therapy and medication
Kept close with the in laws who adore me
Got my own place last second
Cut off my financial ties
Got my credit score over 50 points up
Lost 65 pounds,
Spend lots of time alone, fishing, etc.
Stayed away from bars and dating apps.
Stayed away from alcohol in any kind of excess
Renewed my faith.
Had enough and pushed the D to conclusion.
Read lots of books.
Spent a lot of time with my kids and RC cars outside and in the mountains
Got my degree and signed up for a new IV /blood transfusion certification class which is coming up soon .

So thus far I feel like I’m doing pretty good considering all that’s happened.


Pretty good list. I don't agree with all of these. (Mainly Stood alone for my M since you did that for far too long, and kept close with the in laws since this seems to keep you attached to STBXW). But yes you have come a long way Steve_. I do worry that you think you have arrived. Like I said in your last thread, when you came here you were 10000x overly attached to exW. Now you are down to 50x, but the needle is moving in the right direction. I would have loved for you to come here and said:

"Ex W just invited me to help paint D's room at her place. I am considering doing it. Thoughts?"

Doing that beforehand would have given you insights into why it was or was not a good idea. As I've told you 100 times, no matter what any of us say here it was still within your power to decide to do it, no matter how many of us hated the idea! These are all issues you need to work on in IC:

- Why Steve_ seems to gravitate to female companionship instead of male companionship
- Why Steve_ avoids getting feedback that may go against what he wants to do
- Why Steve_ continues to be impulsive, doing what feels right or good at a given moment, instead of stepping back and looking at the bitter picture
- Why Steve_ refuses to admit that when he does the last bullet, he then refuses to admit it was mistake and digs in on the decision with rationalizations (It was for my D so I did it!, etc)

So Steve_ continue working. Continue moving forward. Continue looking for areas to improve. I R'd with my W over 3 years ago and I am still constantly looking for ways I can improve and be better as a man, as a husband, and as a father! (Oh, and as a Christian too!)

Last edited by SteveLW; 05/19/21 01:13 PM.

M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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I appreciate all the feedback!

I agreed to paint the room because of the reasons I stated for my daughter but also because they still live with the in-laws. Had it been like the ex's new place or somewhere with an OM there is no way in hell I would have agreed. I know I have work to do to detatch, things are much much better but I still sometimes get a little washed over with sadness. And the sadness is mainly the loss of the nuclear family I wanted all these years, a little worry about what kind of OM will eventually replace me and how the children will get along with the things their mother does. She has been working a lot more and gave up on the extra curricular stuff for extra cash which I applauded her for and supported her working more at her actual job.

I do not have regret, and I am so thankful to god and to many of you for that. I felt like I really did a good job hanging in there for a long enough time, really giving it my best shot before taking a knee and I knew I needed to do that before moving forward. Especially so if the ex decides to try some attempt to recon later, I can feel good about the 1,000 chances shes blown and keep moving forward knowing she had her shot and no looking back on coulda, woulda, shoulda.


I asked her if she would be able to watch the children for me or help me find coverage for a weekend coming up, just 2 of the nights I would have the children. (I have not in the 8 months of separation asked her for any child care favor, but Ive done plenty). The times I have hung out with my work buddies I did it at my place with the kids around or I did go to a bar/restraunt with them a couple times but on a friday night after work. I always took up 100% of the time I got with the kids and worked my leisure around that. She agreed to watch them for my two nights and one day and she asked if it was because I was "taking my girl out" and I was just kinda caught off guard with that question.. but I answered "maybe" she said "make sure you take her somewhere nice, dont be a cheapskate, but not too expensive" and I was a bit baffled. Then she said "thanks for all the work you did at mom's house, I appreciate it, and If you need anything let me know"

Again im sure there is several layers of nonsense there but face-value seemed nice. The sunday all day before my friend arrives in town for the evening I will take my kids to the trampoline park and let them run wild, do some arcade games, just go ham. Im gonna also take them swimming in the morning, the apartment complex I stay in has 3 different pools and the kids absolutely love swimming so Ill take some advantage of that for sure. Plus I need to tan badly, I am the epitome of white after so much covid lockdown.

If the ex asks for any kind of favors or unneccesary interaction i will respond with "maybe, let me see" and then post it here. I do feel like I was definately taken advantage of on the painting and house work and I didnt like the way that felt, but I did it anyhow, for future things I will come here before giving her an answer.

On other news my 3 work buddies I have been helping study all got over 96% on their first nursing school mid-terms so that was great! Im proud of the three of those weirdos. I have been trying to focus on getting some more income going to have more options for leisure time for myself and my kiddos. That and the upcoming school work and IV therapy certification course. I know I have a ways to go but thus far I just take it day by day with slow deliberate steps and trust in god to show me the way forward. This is all I can really do.

Last edited by Steve_; 05/20/21 04:39 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,137
Likes: 128
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Originally Posted by Steve_
She has been working a lot more and gave up on the extra curricular stuff for extra cash which I applauded her for and supported her working more at her actual job.

Steve I am a very curious guy. Can you give more details?

Originally Posted by Steve_
I do not have regret, and I am so thankful to god and to many of you for that. I felt like I really did a good job hanging in there for a long enough time, really giving it my best shot before taking a knee and I knew I needed to do that before moving forward. Especially so if the ex decides to try some attempt to recon later, I can feel good about the 1,000 chances shes blown and keep moving forward knowing she had her shot and no looking back on coulda, woulda, shoulda.

huh?

Originally Posted by Steve_
Again im sure there is several layers of nonsense there but face-value seemed nice.

So we see this a lot with KitKat. You guys open the door for friendship. Your ex's respond and act in a friendly manner. Then you guys think there is an motive but they are really ok just being friends.

Originally Posted by Steve_
If the ex asks for any kind of favors or unnecessary interaction i will respond with "maybe, let me see" and then post it here. I do feel like I was definitely taken advantage of on the painting and house work and I didnt like the way that felt, but I did it anyhow, for future things I will come here before giving her an answer.

I am confused? Thought you were good being friends?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by Steve_
she asked if it was because I was "taking my girl out" and I was just kinda caught off guard with that question..
This is called fishing and you should have been expecting it and had an appropriate response ready.

Quote
but I answered "maybe" she said "make sure you take her somewhere nice, don't be a cheapskate, but not too expensive" and I was a bit baffled.
Still fishing with indirect criticism of you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Steve_
She has been working a lot more and gave up on the extra curricular stuff for extra cash which I applauded her for and supported her working more at her actual job.

Steve I am a very curious guy. Can you give more details?

Yeah, she was dabbling into doing some things under the table with some bad people for quick cash. I accepted I could not control her actions but had to voice my opinon, seems that it worked and she cut ties with the folks she was working for. (I cannot go into detail, but it was essentially moving products for people that were not licensed to be distributing it). For cash under the table type of deal, nothing felonious but still wrong.

Originally Posted by Steve_
I do not have regret, and I am so thankful to god and to many of you for that. I felt like I really did a good job hanging in there for a long enough time, really giving it my best shot before taking a knee and I knew I needed to do that before moving forward. Especially so if the ex decides to try some attempt to recon later, I can feel good about the 1,000 chances shes blown and keep moving forward knowing she had her shot and no looking back on coulda, woulda, shoulda.

huh?

What I meant by that was that I have no regrets looking back on how long I stood for my M alone because I can move forward never having to wonder well if i did X, Y or Z or I didnt try A,B and C, damn.. maybe I should have gave it longer, maybe I should have blah blah etc.. No I dont have that. I exhausted every possible means to salvage this M to the detriment of my own self-respect for a very long time. Even my children are at the point they just want to see daddy happy and they know mom is not nice to their dad. Thats when I really truly felt it was time to move on, when my kids were asking me if I was gonna live alone forever or find a better person, that kinda hit me. I told them "I dont know what god's plan for me is but maybe one day"

Originally Posted by Steve_
Again im sure there is several layers of nonsense there but face-value seemed nice.

So we see this a lot with KitKat. You guys open the door for friendship. Your ex's respond and act in a friendly manner. Then you guys think there is an motive but they are really ok just being friends.

Yeah I do hope that is the case LH, I dont mind the friendship deal, but I will kind of keep that at a distance as well, because she is such a manipulator she cannot act responsibly with her emotions around me. "As friends" she still wants to flirt, touch me and send me kissy emojis and other inappropriate things that I don't respond to. This has been some big game to her, and only since a few weeks back when I completed the D has she began to accept that this isnt funny and its reality.

Originally Posted by Steve_
If the ex asks for any kind of favors or unnecessary interaction i will respond with "maybe, let me see" and then post it here. I do feel like I was definitely taken advantage of on the painting and house work and I didnt like the way that felt, but I did it anyhow, for future things I will come here before giving her an answer.

I am confused? Thought you were good being friends?

I am okay just being friends, but she still reaches out in either a disrespectful way or a manipulative way, she still believes that the lies she tells work. So I have to keep her at a distance and really cut out any sort of activity with her unless it is absolutely necessary and she can act mature and responsibly. My goal is to be close friends again some day, the affair and all the breakdown of the M was saddening because we really were BFFS before all this went down. And that is one of the harder parts.




T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,137
Likes: 128
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Originally Posted by Steve_
I am okay just being friends, but she still reaches out in either a disrespectful way or a manipulative way, she still believes that the lies she tells work.

So Steve I think the question that needs to be asked is why do you want to be friends with some who had lied, cheated and treats you in a manipulative and disrespectful way?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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