This is both sad and scary to read. A board, a place, a community designed as a heathy place for advice and accountability is turning into a Jerry Springer spinoff. Then again, given the craziness and crazy behavior of our country in the last 2 years it’s all falling right in line. I purchased a new car a few months ago and received a free trial to satellite radio. Among the hundreds of channels is a long running psychotherapist (doctor) I used to listen to many years ago whose mantra is “now go do the right thing.” If you think your behavior, responses and reactions are doing the right thing then I’m not sure we can help. Then I see others here nearly just as broken cheering you on.
Just so sad.
Now go do the right thing.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
What exactly is KK supposed to let the OW know? That her boyfriend who is still married is a cheater? I think she already knows that all things considered. How does it solve the obviously glaring issues Kat has to create even more drama and issues. Who do we all really think her husband is going to blame if his girlfriend finds out? Why even attempt to tempt a woman who was abused by her husband to put herself in a situation where that could happen again but maybe even worse. Who knows how desperate he’ll feel. Better yet, everyone with any common sense to even suggest she does something that could make her husband potentially say screw it I have nothing else I may as well go back to my last resort which is Kat, fix my marriage and hit her again.
How do you have sex with your spouse whom you still admit you don’t wanna divorce but yet have no expectations. This is flat out impossible, and ridiculous to even attempt to convince us or anyone else.
This to me this is a flat out disaster. Maybe other people can handle it, but who knows how many bar dates you’ve been on, you became obsessed with a man who was under the impression he was in a no strings attached relationship with you to the point you showed up half naked at his front door. Yet you still love someone who abuses you and sleep with him.
I’m not a licensed anything, but to me you come across as someone with absolutely no self worth or value. You got away 18 month ago from someone who abused you, and cheated and you can’t let that go. Well apparently you can, I mean the pilot, but than run right back when you have no one else.
I’m sure you were proud of yourself and it made you feel better than the OW to finally give her some “pay back”, but it doesn’t change the fact, he hit you, cheated, and left.
I’m with Doug, I can’t even believe people are cheering this on. And Steve hit the nail squarely on the head.
Last edited by JosephS; 08/12/2103:41 PM.
Me: 37 W: 34 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
It saddens me that none of you think that I did not have internal dialogue about the whole situation.
The OW is not my responsibility... whatever or not she knows will never come from me. Was there a part of me that felt bad for her when my H texted about a dream he had about me... yes there was. I took my time and 3 days to decide what it is I want for myself.... for me. Of course there is a part of me laughing at OW cause he is cheating on his mistress with his wife.
I'm a 50yr old adult and now more than ever realize I've got one life and I'm living it with zero regrets.
I'm allowed heal... to come to terms with what i contributed to the breakdown of my M but my H is not??? Shame on all of you!!! He's been dealing with his health issues... he quit smoking... he's addressing his PTSD. I've seen and heard a different man this week.
Is he even still with OW??? I have no idea. I've never snooped... I don't go to either of their SM. I've never even driven by the house he bought. Not my business.
What I will share is that 2 wks before my H reached out I noticed a strange car in the area of my home. There is only one way into and out of my neighborhood and the road leading to that is only traveled by the locals... it's out of the way for nearly everything.... why did this car randomly catch my attention??? Personalized plates. I have a very unusual name and at 50yr old still hear how unusual from people... but OWs disabled daughter has an even more unusual name with unique spelling... and yep... the plates on that car were that unique name and spelling. I live an hour from my H... why is she driving round my hood???
I have been 100% transparent that I never wanted D.... still don't... but I also know I'm going to be fine no matter what and yes Joeseph I have no expectations. My H has his journey and I have mine... I will not apologize for having sex with my H... my choice...
This ain't DBing.........never was. KC what do you want to get from this forum? Why would a man that lives with another woman, but still gets to bang his wife, ever not go through with the D? Is the D going to be some magic moment where you close your legs to this man? Did you practice safe sex? Or did you just wantonly let him share his bodily fluids with you despite that he does that with at least one other woman, if not more? No fear of STDs?
Yes you are a 50 year old woman. You get to do whatever you want. No one disputes that. What we all have spent years trying to get you to see is that you do not live in reality. You make excuses. You twist the truth. You repeat "No expectations" over and over and over again as if from much talking it will be true. You are a hot mess, and will never be whole by yourself until you recognize that and stop with the excuses. Of course, if you even decide to respond to this it will be with more excuses, rationalizations, insistences that you have no expectations, and continuing to shout to the rest of the world that they are the ones that are crazy, and you are perfectly sane!
Good luck to you. I hope you find the happiness you search for. But if you think this man has changed you are in for a world of hurt and let down. I wish I had a dollar for every abused woman, that took their abuser back, that insisted that "this time will be different!". I'd be giving millions away to charity because I'd have too much money for me and my next 3 generations to ever spend.
M(52), W(53),D(17) M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes, he is. It's why you had sex in a vehicle at 4am on the side of the road as opposed to one your houses.
Kit, you're right, it's your life to do what you want with it. So do you.
But, if you think you're going to come here and get buy-in or convince us (maybe to convince yourself?) that your husband has changed his cheating and lying ways, I just don't think anyone here will get onboard with that.
The honesty here is brutal, but it is honest. And I don't think you would want us to blow smoke up your a$$, right?
Again, your life, your decision. But I think you are setting yourself up for another fall.
I'm not so dumb to just take my H back. Right now recon is not even on the table. I need to see changed behavior over time but what I have seen has been pretty impressive.
I already wrote out that I have a list of items that have to be net before recon could ever be considered.
I'm just living in the moment. No expectations. I'm not putting any pressure on anyone including myself. Im okay with however this ends. I have plans. I have a life. I stay busy.
I was not perfect in my marriage. I am not without fault. Sure , I did not cheat and would never cheat... I also would not abuse alcohol or do lines of coke. I have a friend dealing with a marriage crisis. Her H is in an affair but honestly ended up there because he felt for years she was having an affair with alcohol. She is working on her sobriety.
I don't know how this is going to turn. But, I truly have no expectations either way.
So you had an internal dialogue. OK. Glad you ok'd your behavior with yourself. That means nothing. There's a huge difference between thinking about something just long enough so you can convince yourself it wasn't impulsive and actual introspection.
You don't have to apologize for sleeping with your H. You don't have to regret it. Honestly if you want to get some sick satisfaction out of pulling one over on OW so be it. You're an adult no one can police you. But like everything else you do impulsively this will end badly. And you'll be mad at me and everyone else who tells you this is only going to end badly.
This wasn't closure or healing. Nor was it just some fun one off romp in the hay for good ol' times sake. Don't disguise it as such. You weren't looking for a last dance booty call. You're trying to hang on to the last threads of this (based on your words and no one else's) crappy marriage with sex. But you don't want to acknowledge that's what's happening here. And you're about to be in yet another world of hurt because of it. You do have expectations. Big ones. The future here is pretty bleak but those expectation of yours are clear as the light of day.
As I and many others have been saying for some time you need to get into therapy. Please seriously look into this. You need help to stop your toxic self sabotaging cycles. It's the same schtick with a new coat of paint every time.
Then I see others here nearly just as broken cheering you on.
I'm not sure which of MrBrside, Thornton, Steve, LH, or I that you mean. Possibly me? My journal posts may come across as more vulnerable than I am. I struggle to keep my home and car organized, but I have a teenage daughter who talks to me, I'm a top performer at work, I have a network of friends, I'm enjoying life's adventures, and my health is in solid shape.
I told KitKat getting back together with someone who lies, cheats, and is abusive should be off the table. I want to see her self-esteem rise to the point she never considers that. Therapy would really help.
I also have her back. I've been writing on KitKat's thread for months. She has a sweet side that cares for animals and wants to do right for her son and stepson. I'm not sure if or how we can help her move past this guy, to being happy alone, to a healthy relationship. I'll call out her actions, not the person I want to build up?