Hope for men

[shotgun]

Just wondering if anyone wants to chat about post divorce from the man's perspective. The breakup of my marriage and divorce like most here was initiated by my wife. Naturally she got the lion's share of the assets and custody of our son but who's counting.

I am fascinated by my experiences in the last six years. Not sure how unique my story is but I did battle cancer, divorce and a career change at the same moment. At this point my survival is very likely and I am very focused on my health and my body. I work out as many as five days a week and at fifty-four years old I am as strong as I have ever been.

Dating: What a crazy world we live in. It has never been easier to find potential dates but I am not sure of many of our options. Dating sites are pretty much a cesspool of unhealthy and broken people. Few ever look like their profile pictures. The self evaluations and descriptions are often delusional. There are a limited number of jewels in that realm however. I find dating in the real world to be a little different. Probably much more honest. As I stated I have taken great care of myself and made solid financial choices. Women of all ages show interest. I have decided that raising another two year old is not a good fit for me. Yes a hot young lady is fun but I only get the part left over after she takes care of her kids, job, chores etc......Frankly few women post forties have taken care of themselves. We are all aging but obesity/sloth and bad hair are choices.

Anyway, what do you think? Want to compare notes?

[kml]

From a woman’s point of view :

Sure, some people in this age group are still single because they’re broken. Almost everyone has baggage. You do too (acrimonious divorce, child, cancer history). Online dating is no better or worse a way to meet people. I liked it because A) I could meet a lot more available people than I would in my offline life and B) I could prescreen them for certain obvious incompatibilities.

But it shouldn’t be called online dating but online meeting - you should move quickly to a no pressure coffee date before investing too much time online.

I too was not interested in dating someone who was still raising small children as mine were grown. I dated some very handsome men but handsome is as handsome does. Most men looked like their pictures (the ones using obviously much younger pics were easy to spot). Sense of humor and shared values are more important to me than looks. (Good in bed helps too!) Odds are you’re not aging quite as well as you think either - numerous studies show men have inflated ideas of their attractiveness. (OkCupid did studies in this). Many men who literally looked like Santa Claus contacted me.

I also had young men pursuing me but there’s no future in that. Most of the men I have dated since my divorce have been younger, but by 4-9 years. Only one was 2 years older. This was not deliberate.

There’s no guarantees in life. A woman could pick you for your apparent healthiness and you could die of a sudden heart attack. My current boyfriend was a nonsmoker who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer three months after we started dating.

Also, my experience has been that none of the men I dated had their financial act together. Show me a man who lives within his means and has planned for retirement and I’ll be impressed. He doesn’t have to have a ton of money - rich people overspend and get in debt too. Just needs to have his act together. Apparently men my age who have their act together date younger?

When I was first divorced I would have said I was looking for a life partner. Not so sure now. Current boyfriend lives with me but honestly, if he wasn’t sick, I’d rather he had his own place. I enjoy being in a monogamous relationship but also like my space.

Take your time. Get to know your dates. Don’t get fooled by the flash - that woman desperately trying to look young and hot might not be self-confident or spiritual. And any adult woman your age who wants to leap into “love” is probably not the one you want either. Infatuation feels great but it’s not enough to build a life on by itself, and anyone over 40 should know that.

And learn from Andrew’s mistake, don’t let a hoarder move into your house! Watch for red flags. It takes time to know someone.

[shotgun]

Thank you for your perspective. I have often wondered what it looks like from the other side of online dating. There is constant scamming from profiles of twenty-one year olds with pouty lips and huge breasts who just happen to love older men. Pretty easy to spot. It is harder when they are age appropriate. Typically the scammer has a specific look and an unfinished profile.

I get your sentiment that a life partner is less important than it used to be. I remember my therapist advising that I wait a year before dating and thinking she was nuts. Very wise words at this point. True also that most people's finances are a disaster. A part of the problem in my marriage was my unwillingness to compromise on financial choices. I wouldn't let her use a credit card and insisted on living within our means. It was a constant fight over vacationing and eating at expensive restaurants.

I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend has lung cancer. I can attest that we live in a miracle age of medicine and anything is possible. You also deserve a ton of respect for hanging in there at this point knowing how hard it can be. Praying for him.

[kml]

Thank you. He’s already almost 3 years post his diagnosis, and although a miracle cure is unlikely at this point, he’s gone way past the expected six month median survival and still has decent quality of life. It sure makes you appreciate every day.

[kml]

Btw - I handled all the finances in my long marriage, my ex wasn’t a spendthrift exactly but I would have prioritized some things differently. I’m grateful though that I had the financial reins as he is an impulsive spender. I’ve been able to help our adult kids in ways that he won’t, even though his income is double mine. My retirement will be adequate, thanks in part to my keeping daily expenses in reasonable limits and avoiding credit card debt throughout our marriage.

I have to say, even though my income is less in divorce, I find it much more comfortable to budget without the unexpected - like the time my ex came home with two acoustic guitars for a total of $5500 without discussing it. Mind you, he had a decent Taylor, and I wouldn’t have even had a problem with ONE $3,000 guitar, but for a guy who knew how to strum a dozen Neil Young songs, this was excessive! And the kind of purchase one should at least have discussed.

So I can feel you guys who were married to child-women who were financially irresponsible. There’s a certain type of woman who just wants big daddy to provide and doesn’t understand math or financial responsibility. (Not saying there aren’t men like that too, but it seems to be more commonly a woman thing).

[shotgun]

Lol! A dozen Neil Young songs! I can do a couple of his. I would love to have a nice acoustic Taylor. My grandmother gave me a couple of nice Gibsons.

It is pretty well documented that finances are a big point of contention in marriages. I fought so hard because I had grown up very poor. My ex had grown up on the opposite end of the spectrum and had no interest in financial peace. We made more money than anyone I knew but it was incredibly difficult to hold onto. I did manage to pay off our residence and a few other income producing assets but not without bloodshed......At this point I live comfortably.

Your last statement about ladies who are looking for daddy is pretty accurate. Not all but most.

[kml]

I don’t know if it’s most - but there’s definitely a subset of the culture out there where such an attitude persists. Not in my roots, but some.

I got the best revenge by living well. My exH thought he was the “musician” in the family, but when he finally left in a MLC blaze of glory, I took up playing the drums. I played in an amateur pop-punk band for several years, and started playing glockenspiel, vibraphone and snare h go if my feet friend who is a professional singer- songwriter. I’ve toured with her several times, played on her last album, and a year before the pandemic, played with her in Central Park in a tribute to Greenwich Village musicians. We played in front of about 5,000 people, with John Sebastian, Jose Feliciano, Melanie , Marshall Crenshaw, Maria Muldaur and many other big names.

[Traveler]

Wow, kml—a doctor, saved lives outside your practice, climbed Whitney, and part of a popular punk rock band. You live your life to the fullest. Always something more. It’s inspiring.

[kml]

When my marriage fell apart, I felt like the worst thing had already happened - so nothing else scared me! And I didn’t have my ex’s negativity to hold me back.

[LH19]

Naturally she got the lion's share of the assets and custody of our son but who's counting.

Actually what is most common is you split the assets and custody evenly (50/50). You must have had a bad lawyer.

Not sure how unique my story is but I did battle cancer, divorce and a career change at the same moment.

Life sure isn't all sunshine and rainbows.

At this point my survival is very likely and I am very focused on my health and my body. I work out as many as five days a week and at fifty-four years old I am as strong as I have ever been.

Glad you are doing well! Cancer sure is a MFer! That's great that you take care of your heakth & body.

Dating: What a crazy world we live in. It has never been easier to find potential dates but I am not sure of many of our options.

I agree there are many different ways to meet people these days.

Dating sites are pretty much a cesspool of unhealthy and broken people.

They key is to be able to identify the broken unhealthy ones.

Few ever look like their profile pictures.

This I tend to agree with and have a tough time understanding the logic behind it.

The self evaluations and descriptions are often delusional.

This I don't completely agree with but think what they are looking for is more delusional.

There are a limited number of jewels in that realm however.

That's why jewels are so precious.

I find dating in the real world to be a little different. Probably much more honest.

What do you mean?

As I stated I have taken great care of myself and made solid financial choices. Women of all ages show interest.

It's good to be a man with options.

I have decided that raising another two year old is not a good fit for me.

Perfectly understandable

Yes a hot young lady is fun but I only get the part left over after she takes care of her kids, job, chores etc......

Sounds like you may not have a full life. A young, hot, fun lady lady a couple days a week sounds perfect to me.

Frankly few women post forties have taken care of themselves.

I do not agree with this at all. In fact in my inner circle the women are in way better shape then the men.

We are all aging but obesity/sloth and bad hair are choices.

So is swiping left on people you are not attracted to. Dude this comment is offensive and totally unnecessary.