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Re: Steve_'s Journey forward [Re: Steve_] #2918483
05/04/21 11:41 AM
05/04/21 11:41 AM
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neffer Offline
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It’s about respecting yourself first. There you are man. Showing your kids to stand for the right values.

Stay strong there!


WW H(me): 50
W: 46
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Steve_'s Journey forward [Re: Steve_] #2918486
05/04/21 12:12 PM
05/04/21 12:12 PM
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SteveLW Offline
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Originally Posted by Steve_
I told you guys I really felt it. I know I have said it before and before it was a game or some manipulation crap. But when I sat there with my grandmothers grave I knew I needed to move on.


I hope this time you are serious, Steve.

Originally Posted by Steve_

I went to the lawyer and filed the divorce it was all done I just needed to pay the filing fee. I did that this morning. I also blocked WW from my Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram. Mostly because I don’t want to see her wild reaction she will flaunt at me to punish me for doing that. The D is over, it’s all final, the terms and everything solid and good terms. And the judgment will be stamped and sent back to me in a couple months if that. The ww exploded on me of course and said “I will go back to OM!” And “I will go F 10 guys and send you pictures” and “I will take the kids from you and I will hurt you so bad so much you will Jill yourself” just went off and off and off.


Typical WW behavior. When they feel the control over the LBH slipping away they lash out. How did your NGS play out during this? Did you feel bad? Did you question what you were doing? Remember, what neffer said: STRENGTH RESPECT You are teaching your kids what to put up with in their own Rs in the future!

Originally Posted by Steve_

I did ask her one final time if she was sure she didn’t want to fix this. That’s when the threats came, that tells me she wants to be single to sew her oats and so on but didn’t want to be the one who “ended” it. That’s fine.. I did


Why? This scares me. It makes me wonder if it is game or some manipulation crap again. Steve strength is not begging for one last chance. I know you didn't see it this way, but as we've been trying to get you to see, the one more chance was weeks and months ago. Not now. Now is the time for Steve to move forward.....boldly. Strongly. Self-respectfully! This asking her one last time one just another disrespect to yourself. What if she had said yes? Could you have trusted it? Or would have been V-day all over again??

Originally Posted by Steve_

Her sister called me up and told me good job on blocking her.. that it really messed with her head.. I told her that I finished the D and I’m done, I am not going back, I deserve better and I put a lot into my relationship, I have so much to give to the right person but she will never respect or love me like I deserve. I told her sister that maybe years down the road if we are still single and she gets her life right but I cannot deal with this, 7 months of holding on and trying only to get disrespect and lies. Her sister was very sad but understood and her husband also was in the background telling me I did the right thing. They both told me they loved me, apologized for my WW and said they hope I find someone who treats me right.


Not going to lie. These things affect the families too. No doubt about it. But I encourage you to remember that her family is her family. You will miss them. They will miss you. But Steve needs to move forward for himself. And that means leaving behind those that have ties to her. Steve, I am afraid you will try to rationalize relationships with her parents and her sister and husband. You do not have the strength to be in her orbit and at the same time move forward healthy and happy. Some do.....but you have to face your own weaknesses....and when it comes to her and those around her you are weak.


When they reach out to you and want you over for dinner, or to hang out, or to help them move, etc. A simple: "No, I don't think that is a good idea." Go out and develop your own orbit of friends and family and leave hers behind.

Originally Posted by Steve_

It was hard to do to accept my nuclear family is over, but I kept thinking about the damage she did, the lies, the affairs all of it and how that will never change or at least not for years.. so I stayed strong and filed it. WW ended up texting me back and apology and said she agreed it was time for us To move on. And that was that.


The truth is your nuclear family was over a long time ago. Your acceptance of it is what lagged. It was hard for you to accept it, which is why so many of us pushed you to get into IC. Acceptance is a requirement for these things. Ideally no nuclear family would ever 'be over". But the truth is we live in an imperfect world. Death. Disease. Injury. Infidelity. WSs. They all take their toll and impact. We don't always get to choose what happens to us and our family...but we do get to choose how we respond to it. Stay strong and hold fast. This is an extremely damaged WW that would need years of IC herself to become a whole enough person to be your other half. Do not settle for less than you deserve and the truth is she is incapable of doing the work on herself to be what you deserve.

You can walkaway with your head held high. You stood. You tried. But she was incapable and now you need to move forward. Be the best dad you can be. Get yourself right and out of your NGS, lack of self-respect, and deal with any outstanding emotional baggage and move on healthy and happy.

ONWARD AND UPWARD, Steve! You've got this!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Steve_'s Journey forward [Re: Steve_] #2918494
05/04/21 01:28 PM
05/04/21 01:28 PM
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Thornton Offline
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Agree with LH. Easily the worst WW I have ever seen on this board.

She responds by telling you she's going to go F 10 dudes? What a trash person she is.

It will be bumpy for a while and I can all but guarantee she will change her tune in the near future, and probably try and get back in your good graces. Be prepared for that. But realize its manipulation and not a change or heart or some big epiphany she had.

Steve, if her own family is telling you that you are doing the right thing, take note of that and never look back.

Re: Steve_'s Journey forward [Re: Steve_] #2918538
05/05/21 10:03 AM
05/05/21 10:03 AM
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Yeah her family is really sad, but they constantly apologize for what she did/is doing. They all hope I find someone really good for me and they tell me that. It’s so sad and sometimes I think about what could have been but it’s a small shadow, because I know that after 11 years of her cheating expecting anything different is just a delusion. It will take her going through hell, and serious pain, to want to change, and that will take years. And that’s years I don’t have to sit around and wait. It’s been 7 months of waiting before I filed. And that was beyond what 99% of men would do with this bad of a ww. My WW is already talking to previous OM again, prob trying to snake her way back into his life she destroyed. She is so manipulative it’s insane. I see the toxicity now and when I look at her I see a beautiful empty person with pure darkness inside her. I pity her sometimes that she will never know fulfillment and she can never give it either. We don’t talk now, especially since I blocked it all there has been zero comm. I prefer it 100% just speaking to her really irritated me since she was so disrespectful all these years.

I had been talking to my sisters friend on the phone (like a 3 way call) for some time now. Bout 2 months, we started calling one another outside of my sister just to chat about life. All her relationship goals are the same as mine, she has been single over a year, she is putting herself through school, is 31 no kids but wants them, is a good Christian woman, has a sassy banter like I have and is a family oriented woman. Very girly very feminine. We would talk about being nurses, about our relationships and why they failed, just anything really. She lives a couple hours away, but i realized That is the type of person that one day I want to find. And I know that it is possible but I never could holding on to a ww that just wants to use and abuse me forever. I made my stand and I’m never going back.

I’m in a good place now, I value myself I feel good about what I did and I will move on someday and be truly happy with someone else. I am actually okay with that now. I can still be a great dad and have a life and I accepted that.

Last edited by Steve_; 05/05/21 10:05 AM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
She moved in with "roomate" 10/15/20
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
Filed 5/3/2021
OM returned 5/4/2021
Re: Steve_'s Journey forward [Re: Steve_] #2918545
05/05/21 01:13 PM
05/05/21 01:13 PM
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SteveLW Offline
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Steve_, I so hope this is real this time. And be careful with this sister's friend. Jumping into another R right now is NOT in your best interest. You need to learn to be happy on your own, as just a dad to your kids, before you can be the whole half of another R.

Last edited by SteveLW; 05/05/21 01:13 PM.

M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Steve_'s Journey forward [Re: Steve_] #2918546
05/05/21 03:40 PM
05/05/21 03:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Steve_
Bout 2 months, we started calling one another outside of my sister just to chat about life. All her relationship goals are the same as mine, she has been single over a year, she is putting herself through school, is 31 no kids but wants them, is a good Christian woman, has a sassy banter like I have and is a family oriented woman. Very girly very feminine. We would talk about being nurses, about our relationships and why they failed, just anything really. She lives a couple hours away, but i realized That is the type of person that one day I want to find. And I know that it is possible but I never could holding on to a ww that just wants to use and abuse me forever. I made my stand and I’m never going back.

Aha! Now standing up to STBXW makes sense. That you didn't mention this possible OW in the wings earlier is an indicator you may have suspected it would be frowned upon and isn't good for you. I sincerely hope you find the strength to separate yourself from XW's family, find a good life solo, and THEN date. I know you're opposed to therapy but it can speed along the process and get you to a happier place more quickly.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Steve_'s Journey forward [Re: Steve_] #2918547
05/05/21 03:40 PM
05/05/21 03:40 PM
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Oh I know Steve. I can’t just hop into an R. Although I got my single dad life down and my financial life down, I do want to find a better job and a better place to live. My life is in transition, and although this girl is exactly what I want in life now is not a good time. Based on CW’s 3% man this girl shows really high interest and all but she’s moving 4.5 hours away for school anyways. I don’t feel like I couldn’t be a good partner for someone but I need some time to heal and deal. If it wasn’t for the fact I have only been separated for 7 months and just fired off the D I would go for her, but I don’t need extra turbulence of any kind in my life at the moment.

My WW is so bad, I sent a pic of a jar of protien to a friend of mine, we were going over whey isolates and I accidentally sent it to WW since she messaged me something about kids school. I replied to the picture of the protien bucket “sorrry wrong person, it was for my buddy” she replies “no worries” then later sends a pic of herself all done up looking pretty and puts “sorry that was for someone else” I just replied “no worries” but I see what she is trying to do with the jealousy thing. What an ass.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
She moved in with "roomate" 10/15/20
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
Filed 5/3/2021
OM returned 5/4/2021
Re: Steve_'s Journey forward [Re: Steve_] #2918549
05/05/21 03:48 PM
05/05/21 03:48 PM
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Steve_ Offline OP
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CW,

I don’t even hang out with the XW’s family, they just support my choice to end this thing. I haven’t spent any amount of time with anyone since Easter. Otherwise it’s my work friends. And this “OW” lol is just my buddy, it’s not a thing, It just helped me to see there are people out there I could see myself with and happy with and it took a long time to realize that was even possible. So my sisters friend has been a real blessing and all we do is chat on the phone once in awhile. Like I said she is moving away for school for 2 years so there couldn’t be a thing. She just helped me sort of realize my value and the last time I picked up my kids my ww was disrespectful and rude once again and threatened to finish the D and I realized this was a manipulation tool over my head. So I went down there the next day and freed myself of this BS. I feel like a POW being released and not knowing how to accept happiness, feeling like everyone has bad intentions, etc.. I know I will need time. And I am doing therapy still, have my next appt this week on Friday, I’m sure my T will be really happy I let this M go and saved myself. I am.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
She moved in with "roomate" 10/15/20
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
Filed 5/3/2021
OM returned 5/4/2021
Re: Steve_'s Journey forward [Re: Steve_] #2918551
05/05/21 03:54 PM
05/05/21 03:54 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 474
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Steve_ Offline OP
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End of the day it’s tough, but I am proud of myself that I finally stood up for myself. I just wish I did it sooner but I guess we all have our time when we are ready. The normal disrespectful stuff she does I would have tolerated. But for some reason that last interaction just made me sick. I’m glad it was 100% the right thing for me to and it’s been time for months.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
She moved in with "roomate" 10/15/20
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
Filed 5/3/2021
OM returned 5/4/2021
Re: Steve_'s Journey forward [Re: Steve_] #2918563
05/05/21 06:01 PM
05/05/21 06:01 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,753
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SteveLW Offline
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SteveLW  Offline
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This is normal, when you do the right thing you always wish you had done it sooner. You keep saying "7 months", but then you've admitted that she has been a WW for 11 years, and multiple OM. I think Steve, this is something that you could explore in IC. Why you refuse to look at the reality of whatever situations you are in. Maybe it is a PTSD thing. Or maybe it is a defense mechanism that is more related to how you deal with things. But you've repeated this "waiting 7 months" when really your WW has made you MR a mess for a lot longer than 7 months.

Overall, I am liking the new outlook! I encourage you to continue moving forward. Continue to work on yourself. Continue to learn what self-differentiation (a better term for general detachment rather than just being detached from one person) means and learn how to be properly differentiated (a simple way of looking at it is learning to be happy by yourself). Continue to build out your NON-ROMANTIC support system, new friends, reconnecting with old friends, having a good core of people that you hang out with, regularly interact with, and that you have a good friendship with. (Give you an example in my life: my hunting buddies and I rarely go a week without exchanging at least text messages. We average hanging out every 2-3 months, outside of hunting season. This is what I mean!)

You can do this! You can continue working to move forward, the right way! We are here to help to Steve_, if nothing else to encourage you when you are doing the right things, and giving you different perspectives when you start going the wrong direction!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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