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Mama bear mode is not a bad thing. Focus on your kids and whatever you need to do to be the best mom you can be.

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This week has been so trying, the kids are really feeling his absence as literally just last week he was spending most of his time here, sleeping over and things were really looking up.

My eldest (S8) is struggling and really misses his dad. The middle one (s6) is I think a bit too young to fathom any difference and the baby just wants me so it dosen't matter right now.

Remember, there is absolutely nothing you can do about his behavior. He's in charge of himself and you're in charge of you. It $ucks for your children that he's making these choices... but that is on him, not on you. If I were you, I'd use that deserved mama bear anger to help you continue to drop the rope. Take control of your own life and start focusing on decisions that are best for you and your kids. Don't worry about him anymore and whether he stays or goes or wants to R or not. Who cares? DnJ over on the MLC forum has some really great stuff on detaching that might be helpful for you to read. It sounds like you've made some great steps recently in detaching. Keep that up. With your children, do what you can to be there for them and support them, especially S8. Make sure they know they can talk to you about how they're feeling. Their dad might be an @ss but they have you.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Michka Offline OP
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Originally Posted by may22
Mama bear mode is not a bad thing. Focus on your kids and whatever you need to do to be the best mom you can be.

Quote
This week has been so trying, the kids are really feeling his absence as literally just last week he was spending most of his time here, sleeping over and things were really looking up.

My eldest (S8) is struggling and really misses his dad. The middle one (s6) is I think a bit too young to fathom any difference and the baby just wants me so it dosen't matter right now.

Remember, there is absolutely nothing you can do about his behavior. He's in charge of himself and you're in charge of you. It $ucks for your children that he's making these choices... but that is on him, not on you. If I were you, I'd use that deserved mama bear anger to help you continue to drop the rope. Take control of your own life and start focusing on decisions that are best for you and your kids. Don't worry about him anymore and whether he stays or goes or wants to R or not. Who cares? DnJ over on the MLC forum has some really great stuff on detaching that might be helpful for you to read. It sounds like you've made some great steps recently in detaching. Keep that up. With your children, do what you can to be there for them and support them, especially S8. Make sure they know they can talk to you about how they're feeling. Their dad might be an @ss but they have you.

Thanks May! Right now I am just trying not to hate him.

The eldest nearly broke me this morning, we had a little heart to heart about his father and why he isnt home. Im really trying to frame this in a way thats supportive of H and concentrating on how his father loves him more then anything etc etc But he just wasnt buying it.
He asked me why he is acting like its all "rainbows and unicorns" when he should know how much its hurting him because his father has left and why shouldnt he try harder because we always told him family is everything.

That took a few deep breaths and alot of will to not cry.

Ill have a look at DnJ. Thanks for the advice.

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You're doing great.

Just a quick thought on the convo with your son-- it may be in just the way I'm reading this, but I'm wondering if you need to validate your son's feelings a bit more rather than talk about your H in a supportive way. Of course your son is horribly hurt. Those are normal feelings. Maybe (you could have already done this, but if not) really practice your validation skills on him, let him know it is okay that he feels this way, you would in his shoes, you feel sad too, (maybe you DO feel so sad too) and just hug him. It doesn't mean saying anything negative about your H or how his actions could be interpreted vis-a-vis his love for your children. I think you just want to be careful not to make your son feel like he shouldn't be feeling badly because his dad loves him, or feel like he needs to be strong and not cry in front of you. I'm sure others have more experience and wise words in this arena, but just something that came across a bit in your post.

Hang in there,

May


Me (46) H (42)
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4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
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Thanks May.

I took your advice to talk less about H and more about how he was feeling. He seemed to respond well to this.

H has so kindly offered to speak to me and answer my questions. Suddenly I deserve to know the truth apparently.

I declined to respond.

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Journalling...

Well its been a week and half or so since I found out the extent of his lies and the fact he has been actively involved in an affair for close to a year. I am sure there is more to everything but I don't want to know anymore then I do.

I wanted to really channel my energy and emotion into myself and my boys. The first thing I did was ban H from coming at night, the boys need to get used to me only putting them to sleep so we have been working on that and I am happy to say we have made real progress in a short time. S8 is still having issues but we have managed to get him back into his own bed and spending most of the night in his bed as well. S6 was my lazy one but has surprised me with his willingness to step up and has been doing really well with his chores etc. S2 is just being his usual cute self and I hope he stays that way.

S8 and S6 keep asking me questions about the current state of affairs with H and I have been honest with them in an age appropriate way. S6 is more accepting of it than S8. S8 is actively pursuing his dad to reconcile with me ( I can hear him when they face time) but I have decided to stay out of that conversation. Its between them two.

I have been just trying to focus on having a routine that works for us, especially since we are in lockdown and will be until the end of sept. Its hard doing this with three kids. Since BD any schedule we put in place has always fallen apart because of him so I am just taking the reins and doing it all myself. Its hard not to feel resentful when the kids call him and he is still in bed or tells them he has to go because he needs to go for his run, have a shower whatever. I just try to focus on the fact that I get more time with my kids. I didnt have kids to only have them half the week and when/if that time comes I can see that will be a hurdle for me.

I had a dream last night that I was being held by someone, I could never see their face in the dream but it was someone who loved me that was all i know. It sucked waking up because I felt so lonely. Waking up alone is not something I signed up for either, but i took a deep breathe and forced myself to shake it off.

Its my birthday today, I treated myself to some new clothes, and I am looking forward to a new week.
I keep treating it as a challenge. I want to take it week by week, our current state with lockdown makes it hard to do anymore than that. I am feeling both overwhelmed and empowered by this. We are doing well and we are doing well because of me.

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Happy Birthday, Michka. It’s not the same, but your kids love you, and we care and are rooting for you.



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Michka Offline OP
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CW... thanks. The people here are great. I keep thinking someone needs to put together the posts and make it into a book.

No its not the same, but it is what it is.

My children will be fine... I know. They only need one solid parent. I keep aiming to be that parent.

I will be fine too, just need to go through this journey first I guess.

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Michka,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know it is very difficult. We used to warn newcomers that an affair being involved wasn't just likely, but very probable. Unfortunately, the best majority of situations involve another person.

Better days are ahead. I know sometimes that seems to be either impossible or so far away. Take one day at a time, put those previous little boys above all else, and keep moving forward. We're here to help and support.


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Happy Birthday, Michka. I understand waking up lonely. It will get better.

I like what you said " I don't want to know more than I do".

I had a mantra when I felt the urge to dig. It was: "I know enough".

That is a good place to be. The details do not matter. For everyone, it's different in what "enough" is. I've found less is better. Hope this makes sense.

I hope you are finding peace in this storm. Steve is right, one day at a time. You are doing great, despite what you feel. ((((Michka))))


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Originally Posted by Michka
Well its been a week and half or so since I found out the extent of his lies and the fact he has been actively involved in an affair for close to a year. I am sure there is more to everything but I don't want to know anymore then I do.

There is no doubt more. A criminal really gets caught the first time they break the law if you get my gist. I am quite sure there's more I don't know, but it doesn't matter anymore.

Originally Posted by Michka
I have been just trying to focus on having a routine that works for us, especially since we are in lockdown and will be until the end of sept. Its hard doing this with three kids.

I'm doing it with only one kid and 50% of the time, its must be really difficult for you Mich, I hope things improve here soon. Are you in one the restricted LGAs?

Originally Posted by Michka
I didnt have kids to only have them half the week and when/if that time comes I can see that will be a hurdle for me.

For me this was the hardest part and made me the most angry, I didn't have a child to lose 50% of their time. But you know what, the quality of time does improve. And you get to parent them the way you want when they're with you.

Originally Posted by Michka
Its my birthday today, I treated myself to some new clothes, and I am looking forward to a new week. I keep treating it as a challenge. I want to take it week by week, our current state with lockdown makes it hard to do anymore than that. I am feeling both overwhelmed and empowered by this. We are doing well and we are doing well because of me.

Happy bday for yesterday, you soon like you're doing pretty damn well, keep it up!


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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