Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Steve, have you tried EMDR? I have read a lot of very positive things about it and it is supposed to be very effective for PTSD and trauma recovery. You might look into it.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 574
Likes: 5
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 574
Likes: 5
Wow Steve, surprised you say you work in therapy.
You sure don't understand what good therapy is and what it can do for a an otherwise healthy (not insane) human.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,825
Likes: 230
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,825
Likes: 230
Originally Posted by Steve_
If I'm gonna be honest I am sort of over focusing on the books, I've read them all many many times and i am sure that they will definitely help in my next relationship.

Steve the problem is you are reading the books to attract your W back and as Cory Wayne says "cherry picking the information". His book is about attracting healthy women into your life. That is not your STBXW. She is not nor most likely ever will be a healthy woman. So his book will be no good for your STBXW. You would do better to read a PUA book to attract her back. It will take a really long time of consistent STRONG behavior for your STBXW to have a change heart. She sees you as a weak little doormat and will for a really long time.

Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
Steve, it seems like you're in a better head space, but you still have a ways to go. My ex WW is an awful addict and most likely has some personality disorder, and I was codependent as you could possibly be. I had no clue at the time. I didn't even know what codependency was. I was also willing to let her run around doing dumb stuff, disrespecting me because I thought it was a phase and she would come back. That I could look past it because I loved her. Eventually the fog cleared and I realized how effed up my situation was. I finally let go and found peace. She's a mess and always will be. She always found a way to keep pulling me back in, just like your WW. I ate every little crumb she threw, until I realized how stupid I was for accepting that kind of treatment...

I totally get where you're coming from too when you talk about "blocking it all out". A lot of people are telling you to face the situation (you will need to eventually), but I had to do the same thing. It was all I could do to detach from the situation at the time. I just took care of myself and my kids and found whatever it was I could to distract myself. I needed to be completely out of the situation before I was able to start healing from it. My number one goal was to get her out of my life. I had to reach a point where I knew I'd never taker her back before I could let that wall down and start processing some of the later stages of grief. And when I did, it was a lot easier than i thought it would be...

One bit of advice, when she comes to get the kids, you don't need to buckle them in. You shouldn't even leave the house. Meet at the front door. Kids walk out. You say goodbye. You close the door. Simple. You're putting yourself out there like bait, just giving her opportunities to mess with you. And just wait. She will. She'd not near done yet...

I also have to ask, your wife and her parents from another country?...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,509
Likes: 84
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,509
Likes: 84
Originally Posted by Steve_

I dont go to counseling or services for PTSD, and ive seen/done some things in the war that people would call horrific. When I go to counseling I have to re-live it over and over. I found that simply blocking it out helped, yes it didnt work right away and I had to get used to it being part of me now, but eventually the anxiety and pain and confusion from what happened and the guilt, anger etc started to subside in time. Yes it changed me but its history not present. Going to counseling and explaining it over and over and what I think about it was not effective for me, it just kept pulling the scab off the wound.


This is one of the most concerning things I've ever read. Many PTSD sufferers have tried to take this route, only to have it manifest years/decades later in very unhealthy ways. Please reconsider viewing it this way. Counseling for PTSD isn't about about avoiding the pain, the it is to feel and process that pain. To work through it. You used the wound analogy. Your point was removing the scab. I'd argue that a scab never developed. In fact, you wrapped the wound in a bandage even though it was infected and not healing. By not seeing it you think it is good, but underneath that covering bad things are stirring.

Please, for the sake of yourself and your children do not try bury your PTSD.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
S
Steve_ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
I did try EMDR with an Ipad the VA gave me for awhile. I have gotten better, less nightmares and such. I just say blocking it out because I am sick and tired of being an emotional man that cares. And she never came over to drink that wine, actually I drank it last night with two girls from work. They came over to hang out. I never really let anyone come over of opposite sex but honestly I didnt care, they are just friends I am also friends with both of their boyfriends, they tell me their issues I tell them mine etc... they had fun and appreciated the wine at least lol.

Had to run past the house and drop my sons homework off and some AAA batteries for him. WW acted too cool for me, then asked if i wanted to hang out, I declined and went home. Made dinner called up my friend and they were like "we are coming over" It was fun, posted up a picture on my snapchat of them at my table with me and the expensive wine I got for the WW date haha and honestly I didnt feel "bad or wrong" about it. I felt like it was cool friends and its me doing something besides being a dad and a doormat husband. I think im gonna get me a selfie-stick and start hiking all over the place and putting up those things too. I want to start having a life besides just my kids and work. Thats all anyone ever sees on my social media. Wholesome things not partying or stupid stuff. I started to feel like some sorry loser that sits around waiting on WW to love him. I don't want that to be who I am.

Im just over being so damn soft, its not working out for me, being nice to her isnt gonna stop her from being wild, there is zero point in spending energy on her anymore, so Im just doing whatever else makes me happy and staying out of trouble.

and yes they are from another country.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 436
Likes: 5
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 436
Likes: 5
Your last update was an interesting read.

So you were at the in-laws house twice yesterday? I assume you dropped the kids off and than went back a second time with the homework? Or have you had the homework for a day or two? Why couldnít it have been dropped off at school for your son to take to his moms? And why did you have to drop off batteries? Is there a reason his mother or grand parents couldnít provide them? Steve to the rescue I suppose. Maybe some vets here will disagree with me, but when the kids are in her care, itís her responsibility to ensure they are taken care of without you needing to run and save her everyday from some trivial happening.

Seriously why canít you just stay away from that house? You really do find any excuse you can to go see her, I mean go to that house.

Iím sorry you only feel like youíre only a Dad and a door mat. Though I do question how appropriate it is to be drinking alone with two woman that are in committed relationships. You do say you know the boyfriends, but do they know their girlfriends are drinking alone with a guy whoís emotionally weak?

So were you able to accomplish your goal? Did you wife see the picks of you and the woman drinking? Did she get jealous and give you the attention you were going for?


Last edited by JosephS; 03/26/21 04:10 PM.

Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,620
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,620
Likes: 71
^^ Well-said, Joseph.

Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
S
Steve_ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
No yesterday I went to work, IL's are gone out of town. My son forgot his homework when WW picked him up the day before yesterday, so I took it over there. He doesnt go to school, its online and he needed it in the AM. And he wanted batteries called me like 5 times showing me his new toy so I figured I might as well take him some. WW complained kids were bad, and asked me to stay a bit, I said no and left. I would have always stayed, sat around the couch, been affectionate etc.. that was a big 180 for me to go over and actually leave and not hang around.

Yes the boyfriends know, we are all buddies, boyfriend came to pick her up. Other boyfriend is in LA and face timed us, we are all cool like that, And I dont care how emotionally vunerable I am, I wont sleep with my buddies girl or anyone really right now. I am not a toxic person like that. They really are like my girlfriends that tell me anything and vice-versa. The boyfriends respect me cause I respect them as well and tell them what goes on. Its not even a big deal.

TBH WW hasnt said anything about the photo, dont think she will, dont care if she does. Whats the difference? I could post a pic of me crying in a puddle over her or in vegas at a strip club... it makes no difference, she doesnt care lol. I just thought it was cool my friends came over. I am trying to plan a fishing trip with two of my guy friends from work on monday, thats what is on my mind.

Last edited by Steve_; 03/26/21 04:57 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 436
Likes: 5
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 436
Likes: 5
Very interesting

My kids are virtual too. Everything is done on laptops or tablets. Itís impossible to forget home work at least at my kids school unless they forget their laptops or tablets. Thatís just an odd way of doing virtual homework. And of course that brings up my next question. Youíve said in the past your kids werenít going to school because youíre wife wasnít making them. So they were virtual or are now that things are calming down? And she wasnít making them turn on a laptop or tablet? Thatís pathetic and lazy. On the bright side your school will keep track of this and a truancy letter will be coming if that behavior continues.

Iím glad the boyfriends are good buddies and donít mind them drinking with you. Different strokes for different folks.

And letís not kid ourselves. Regardless if your wife would or wouldnít care, you posted that for no other reason than for her to see it. And you will get a reaction out of it eventually. When itís convenient for her. But you do know that deep down.

Have a fun fishing trip.


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard