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Re: Yes. It's Me Again... 1st Draft thoughts? [Re: CanBird] #2914950
02/13/21 04:36 PM
02/13/21 04:36 PM
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AndrewP Offline
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I like it. Clear, explicit, not asking for input or rejecting it.

The emphasis is on what is best for D4 which should be the common goal and one that you are taking the responsibility for - all he has to do is go along and then feel like a hero.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Yes. It's Me Again... 1st Draft thoughts? [Re: AndrewP] #2914951
02/13/21 04:40 PM
02/13/21 04:40 PM
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I agree w/Andrew. It's clear and to the point. You have put the emphasis on your little girl and that is where his focus should be at the moment, i.e., making sure his little girl has a home and stability since he's rocked her world.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Yes. It's Me Again... 1st Draft thoughts? [Re: OwnIt] #2914956
02/13/21 05:47 PM
02/13/21 05:47 PM
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I think it's really good, Can! I'd just cut out any words you don't need. MLCers have no attention span.

Originally Posted by OwnIt
I know he hasn't acted like your H for a long time, but somewhere in there is a person who loved you, married you, had a child with you, and likely wants you to do well and be safe. In my worst days with OD, I've always believed that he does want me to be safe, to have a good home, to be able to offer refuge to my children when they need it. I still have faith that in the end, he will be kind even if the road to get there is twisted and rutty and tough.


I believed this about my H and it crippled my ability to get what I needed. I agree with Own in theory and want to encounter everyone in the world that way but I think it's dangerous to believe the MLCer will ever do the right thing. I think it's good to phrase it like that in case you need it in court later. But don't believe it will work. You also have to be ready with what you are willing to give up (what money you are willing to lose) if he doesn't want you to do well and be safe. I think my H wants me to suffer and then die. And I say that as a Christian woman who does my best to not judge him and leave that to God. And maybe he'd even cry on my grave and see everything clearly afterwards. But that agenda is what motivates my H's actions now. I just think it's important to be very clear about who they are so that we can protect ourselves and our kids as we negotiate.

Here's my edit to cut out words you don't need --

House Plans: Would like to discuss plans to settle our debts and take over the house. After thinking through the options and the cost of housing, I need to make sure D4 has the stability of the only home shes ever known.

A sale of the house as per our agreement --

Sale price - debts - Realtor fees (6%) - Closing costs ($20,000 +) - Repairs & Miscellaneous needed to sell = X equity

1/2 equity = X, each of our share of equity

I'd receive a credit against your share for (if you are owed credits on your contributions to mortgage or whatever).

I have secured financing to take over the mortgage and pay off the debts.

I look forward to a clean split so we can both move forward and am sure we can cooperate so this goes smoothly as possible for all our sakes.

Last edited by Gerda; 02/13/21 05:49 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Yes. It's Me Again... 1st Draft thoughts? [Re: CanBird] #2914972
02/13/21 11:15 PM
02/13/21 11:15 PM
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FWIW, I agree wholeheartedly with Gerda. My X still says ILY, but in the D and property settlement, he would have been fine giving me wayyyy less than I was entitled to. With MLC the person you knew is gone, so with that, short and focused on the facts and D4.

"You also have to be ready with what you are willing to give up (what money you are willing to lose) if he doesn't want you to do well and be safe." THIS. The bottom line of what you will be able to live with.

I used the verse from the bible, but I think even non-believers could follow "wise as a serpent, innocent as doves".

Protect yourself and D4. Stay strong and like we say here a lot - it's a business transaction. Keep all emotion out of it.

You can do this!

Re: Yes. It's Me Again... 1st Draft thoughts? [Re: CanBird] #2914980
02/14/21 02:00 AM
02/14/21 02:00 AM
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Thank you friends. I'm outside, just finished reading all your comments and D4 is literally putting 6 little duckies in a row, that a friend dropped off in our pool today while we were out.

I love signs from the universe.


Last edited by CanBird; 02/14/21 02:00 AM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Re: Yes. It's Me Again... 1st Draft thoughts? [Re: CanBird] #2915003
02/14/21 04:59 PM
02/14/21 04:59 PM
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The universe is speaking.


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Let It Be. Wait And See. [Re: CanBird] #2915185
02/16/21 11:29 PM
02/16/21 11:29 PM
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J: I've never had IC during this. Never to late right? Do I need it? Sometimes I think so, and other times I feel okay just speaking with a friend IRL, or expressing myself here.

Today I sent XH an email. (If you're following along, you know what email I'm talking about). It was SO hard for me to press send. Once again, I found my fight-or-flight mode go into overdrive. Thank goodness, I had a dear friend talk me through it. Literally. She encourage me through the whole process that took less than 5 minutes. She asked why it was so hard for me?

Good question. As usual with xh, I'm afraid of the unknown, and my brain associates unknowns with xh as fear, stress. As I type this, I know this is a conversation that has to happen, and xh knows this too. Why hasn't he been after me to settle anything? Because he doesn't want to do any heavy lifting? I'm assuming so. Let it be, and we'll see.

I need to LET GO and just let things happen as they will. Things can't go on as they are, and XH isn't doing anything. As I type this I'm feeling better about myself. Feeling stronger for taking charge of the situation. All I can do is ask for what I want. I forget which one of you here said that before, asking for what we want, and not being afraid. We'll never know if we don't ask, right?

PHEW..... exhale..... my heart is still racing a little. Maybe it was the second cup of coffee I had ...lol...

I hope all of you are well. And again, I appreciate everyone of you for the continued support shared.

ps- I have a tentative coffee date with bachelor #2. Stay Tuned!


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Coffee Talk [Re: CanBird] #2915438
02/22/21 10:05 AM
02/22/21 10:05 AM
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Had a coffee date with Bach 2 on Saturday, and we've already made plans for a 2nd date.

More details on that under the Forum, Surviving The D

Other than that, nothing new to report. Not surprised XH hasn't replied to my email or msg. It's almost been a week. He is leaving me no choice but to call his phone, and do a follow up via email and msg. I can't believe he's still doing this ghosting act. What have I done to him? Nothing. So not fair. I know, it could be much worse, so I'm thankful that it isn't a worse situation and my heart goes out to those really struggling with their own situation.

So like last time, when I urgently needed to get in contact with him, I ended up calling his cell phone, it went straight to vm and I left a msg telling him what I needed. This time? Tell him I need him to read his email and reply to it?

I need to know what his plans are. I literally feel like I should cut and paste his words about this very subject.

So frustrating.

I've come SO far; this far. I am NOT going to take what's been handed to me. I am FIGHTING for what I DESERVE.
The only thing I can do is TRY. If I don't try, then I will never know if I will succeed. Success comes with trying.

CanBird

Last edited by CanBird; 02/22/21 10:07 AM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
The BIG Duck say QUACK xh makes contact [Re: CanBird] #2915539
02/24/21 07:58 AM
02/24/21 07:58 AM
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A week has pased since I sent XH my email, outlining what I want to happen with our house. It was pretty darn clear. Today I sent my follow up communications. Here is his response:

XH: "Received your email. Not really sure what you mean. The details are too vague. I also invested in the house with years of going to sea. Not sure what to do right now. I miss D4 and also will need to have a place to spend time with her".


I'm glad he finally replied. I can't believe he thinks it was vague; not sure what I meant? Guess I should of used ALL CAPS for the statement "TAKE OVER THE HOUSE".

Unreal, but it could have been worse. At least he's using his words.

XH: "I also invested in the house with years of going to sea". Yes, you did. You chose that job, that company, that schedule, and I took care of the home, the yard, the pool, the rental property, made sure bills where paid on time. I was the homemaker, and raised our daughter BY MYSELF since her birth, while you were at sea for half the year, and then YOU had an affair BEFORE you went to sea, DURING your time at sea, and AFTER. Who knows went it all started or how much you spent to go to another country.

Xh: "Not sure what to do right now". Huh? Think man! Yes or no.

Xh: "I miss D4..." Funny. He hasn't reached out since Dec 25th.

Xh: "and also will need to have a place to spend time with her". Not my problem. You broke it, you fix it.


I need to give this a break so I don't respond reactively.





Last edited by CanBird; 02/24/21 08:07 AM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Re: The BIG Duck say QUACK xh makes contact [Re: CanBird] #2915547
02/24/21 12:50 PM
02/24/21 12:50 PM
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Posts: 2,900
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Good Morning Can

Very wise to put in a pause and not respond reactively. I always found it good advice to wait 24 or 48 hours before responding or making a major decision; gives all ones viewpoints time to consider and weight in (feelings, thoughts, beliefs).

Originally Posted by CanBird
XH: "Received your email. Not really sure what you mean. The details are too vague. I also invested in the house with years of going to sea. Not sure what to do right now. I miss D4 and also will need to have a place to spend time with her".

This is good. He is conversing. A good start.

XH is also purposefully missing the point and pretending things are too vague. Remember he is emotionally stunted and make believe is actually quite a part of his fantasy life and narrative. Your position does not fit and he will attempt to dismiss or ignore it. If this was early during the process, XH might not converse about it, however, currently he is, so a good start.

This house stuff is business. What specifically do you want/need from XH to proceed? I suspect there are a few categories. The amicable type agreement would be nice - that is a want. What do you need to proceed? Perhaps very little is needed, although that path may be more difficult.

Keep it business. Yes, XHs invested during his years at sea. That investment is addressed in the splitting of the house debt and/or proceeds. His need of a place to stay is his problem. His want of using the home while visiting D4 is your problem. You dont solve his problems; he made his mess. You do solve things that are impacting you.

So, ramp up the clarity. Tell him to call you and you will provide clearer details and instructions. This works towards your wanted path of a more amicable solution. With that, in the background, seek out a lawyer and find a path forward to achieve your needed solution, if/when XH starts to balk or drag his feet. You control the things you can control.

Keep it all business. You are just buying out XH from the house. His life and choices are on him.

I suspect with dipping into the dating pool you are not feeling so easily swayed and dragged around by XH anymore. Good.

If he actually calls you, be clear and stick to the points of what you want him to do. Have it written out and at the ready so you can keep control of the conversation. Email communication needs to be equally clear and direct. These follow up emails are more instructing (less suggesting) to him as to his required actions.

Hopefully, XH is willing. Stick to your path and hold your ground. If he decides to takes this matter even further sideways, start down the more legally enforceable path to achieve the outcome.

Have a great day.

D


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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