Headed into work soon. I had a great night last night. I love my people there. Some people are easier to love than others, but I'd run into the fire with or for them...just like family. lol
Heard my X might marry OW. Felt sick to my stomach, but the feeling passed. I've had some minor health issues lately and really can't afford to stress. I think I'm better than I thought I would be by now, but not yet at complete 'meh'. If I never reach total detachment, I still know I will be ok. The experts say that day will come, not going to rush it, just accepting where I am right now.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
My friend told me to embrace my new life. I think I have, mostly. Those days that I don't are few and far between and for that I am grateful.
Hi Hope,
I love that life is going well for you for the most part. (:
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Still haven't even gone on a first date. I sometimes crave the companionship and company and a partner to do things with - Yes, I have female friends, and they are great, but sometimes, I'd love a man around.
Those apps aren't going anywhere, lol.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Heard my X might marry OW. Felt sick to my stomach, but the feeling passed.
For me, getting there takes more than a year, less than a decade. As you say, even if you never detach so much this doesn't bother you, you'll be okay. For both your sakes, I hope he only remarries a few times!!!
Heard my X might marry OW. Felt sick to my stomach, but the feeling passed. I've had some minor health issues lately and really can't afford to stress. I think I'm better than I thought I would be by now, but not yet at complete 'meh'. If I never reach total detachment, I still know I will be ok. The experts say that day will come, not going to rush it, just accepting where I am right now.
I understand the ideal goal is complete detachment and to not care at all what your Ex does, but in real life that's not so easy. I think most hearing an ex-spouse was going to marry (especially to an affair partner) would not feel great about it. It is the person who promised to spend the rest of their lives with you and you had children with. It's understandable to be upset by the development. So...don't feel bad about having the "sick to your stomach" feeling. It too shall pass and processing through it will actually further your detachment.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Heard my X might marry OW. Felt sick to my stomach, but the feeling passed. I've had some minor health issues lately and really can't afford to stress. I think I'm better than I thought I would be by now, but not yet at complete 'meh'. If I never reach total detachment, I still know I will be ok. The experts say that day will come, not going to rush it, just accepting where I am right now.
oh yeah ... just went through this ... mine married his "there's. nobody else" AP 6 months ago. It was upsetting to me, won't deny it. Now it doesn't really affect me at all.
time.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I’m happy that my ex’s second wife isn’t one of his affair partners. BUT you might take a certain satisfaction in knowing that being married to an affair partner has to mean a lifetime of looking over your shoulder. Because after all, if they’ll cheat WITH you, what’s to keep them from cheating ON you?
And she isn’t getting the guy YOU married. She’s getting an older version with a major character defect and a big hole of unhappiness inside that they’re trying to fill. No prize.
Heard my X might marry OW. Felt sick to my stomach, but the feeling passed. I've had some minor health issues lately and really can't afford to stress. I think I'm better than I thought I would be by now, but not yet at complete 'meh'. If I never reach total detachment, I still know I will be ok. The experts say that day will come, not going to rush it, just accepting where I am right now.
(((Hugs)))
For what it’s worth there is a difference between detachment, indifference, and not caring.
Detachment is being not emotionally dragged around by his words, actions, or emotional state. Something you are quite secure in. You are detached.
Indifference is the absence of feeling. A void towards X. It is a strange place to feel nothing. Well actually, to not feel anything is probably the more correct way to state it. Nature abhors a vacuum and our other feelings loom larger against this empty backdrop which once contained such emotion. Take heart, those larger feelings do subside to normal.
Another item that becomes normal - indifference fades. It rolls back. Feelings are fleeting; and it seems the absence of such is temporary as well. It is highly recommended to find one’s beliefs and values during our indifference, during that time of muted noise from our spouse.
Find your beliefs, values, and convictions. And live them!
Do not seek complete ‘meh’; it serves you not. Seek desire, passion, life, the reason to get out of bed in the morning; and embrace it. Keep your heart soft and squishy.
Almost four years from BD for me. I hurt terribly. And I did die for a while. It is easy to die for one’s beliefs, it is quite another to live for them.
We let go of our spouse. Let go our anger. Let go that which doesn’t serve us. None of that needs to bring about uncaring. Do not equate whole and healed with needing to be unfeeling or uncaring towards X. In fact, I believe the opposite to be rather true.
It is quite alright to care about X. You are detached and will remain so. You will not remain indifferent. We find our way to let go and care at the same time. Meh, doesn’t cut it. Live a great life. Find acceptance and forgiveness.
Accepting the situation is important and necessary. Detachment and indifference are necessary steps along the path. Acceptance of one’s heart is another huge step along that path.
We all, in time, come to our precipice and mountain. Indifference gives way to our heart’s beliefs. Feelings return. Influence exerts. Choose to climb the mountain and rise. Strengthen those values that serve you. Craft that which you aspire to. And alter or discard that which does not serve you.
In what might sound counterintuitive, when the feelings return, embrace them. For those are beliefs rather than feelings. Our values shine through our indifference. Ensure they are worthy and noble; and let them light your life.
The rumour that your X might marry OW understandably stirred some emotions. Let them flit.
Personally, total detachment sounds cold and dark. Look to, and seek, something better. Let your light shine Hope.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My XH is marrying his AP in a week and a half. They were engaged only seven months post BD. The ink had barely dried on our separation agreement. I agree with KML. She’s getting the older version with a heck of a lot of shameful behaviour he needs to reconcile deep inside of himself. And every time he looks in our children’s eyes knowing he let them down. I’d much rather be single than have to live with the echo of my worst self.
He’s starting over and trying to reinvent himself. I get it. When you blow up your life so spectacularly, what else is there. I wish him well, tbh. I hope he manages to make the necessary changes and fully become the person she thinks he is. My kids could use that kind of a person for a dad. Time will tell, I guess.
With respect to him getting married, I have no feelings about it. Time and many, many reality checks have done their thing. He is not the kind of person I want to spend this last phase of my life with. You will get there too Hope. (((Hugs)))
Just my 2 cents: my XH married his AP about a year and a half after our D was final, but he moved in with her and started acting like a happy married couple about 2 weeks after our D was final. Initially I was very angry, but through counseling and self-reflection, I realized that I was working on myself and she was getting the "woe is me, my life is so pitiful and it is everyone else's fault" version of my XH. By all accounts, she still has that version of him as he continues to battle his health issues and his emotional issues but is now adding in distance issues from his daughters that HE is causing. It is a mess and I'm ever so grateful to no longer be in the middle of it. I took the time to work on myself and make changes that suited ME without worrying about how anyone else felt about it and when the time was right for me, I started dating again and eventually found love again, though I would've been ok if I hadn't because I'm pretty self-sufficient. While being the LBS can be challenging on the front end, in some ways, I think it serves as a spring board to allow us to kind of find ourselves again and start fresh.
I was very interested to read DnJ's post about indifference, detachment and not caring. My XH forced detachment quickly by packing up all of his share of our divided stuff and moving 1500 miles away to live with his AP. Not everyone gets that luxury, but not having to worry about running into him in the grocery store or gas station made it easier for me to detach quicker. While I understand what DnJ is saying, I honestly think I have some mix of indifference and not caring going on, but I don't think it is unhealthy. I don't wish death and destruction on my XH, but I honestly just don't care what he's doing. I don't ask after him or keep up with him on social media and I haven't actually had a conversation with him in over a year and only then because I had to. If he died tomorrow, I would feel bad for the girls and his family and friends, but I don't think I would even feel much sadness within myself because he is a person who I used to know. The version of the XH that I fell in love with and married no longer exists so it is hard to care about someone who could cheat on me after I went through all of his medical crises and near-death experience with him, holding his hand and supporting us financially along the way. I don't know if our story is unique, but I suspect it really isn't.
I say all that to say, detachment is a very good place to be. It is very freeing!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Mine married his AP in one of the sneakiest/shadiest ways I have seen. 10 months after we divorced he announced via text that he had married someone and that she was “honorable.” (Ha ha - methinks DEFINITELY not!) Then he told me not to be mad at the kids that they did not tell me as he swore them to secrecy. She had also been living with them for I don’t know how long and they were sworn to secrecy not to tell me. So ridiculously dysfunctional. The whole situation helped me detach as it was all too Jerry Springer-like dysfunctional. Nothing to be jealous of there.
We live less than a mile apart and I would see them in grocery stores walking hand in hand. They seemed to be deep in honeymoon phase.
Recently I learned they divorced 5 months after they married!!! He told my kids to keep that a secret from me, too?!?? I saw them 1 month before their divorce and they seemed happy as clams. All is not as it appears.
Seeing them together helped me detach. At first I was filled with dread of running into them. But seeing the shady way they lived, it helped me heal. I squared my shoulders and in my head said, have at each other!
Recently my older son had a huge blowout with his dad. He told him he has zero respect for him and all he has done. He told him that he is no family man. (I guess he has been calling himself “the family man” to them?!?!) He told him he’s a hypocrite and he has zero respect for him. My son told me he will never respect him.
Detachment happens when it happens whether there is tons of distance or not. Be kind to yourself and you will heal.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Recently I learned they divorced 5 months after they married!!! He told my kids to keep that a secret from me, too?!??
Bizarre. I could understand him not wanting you to know he was dating if he was concerned about your feelings, but swearing the kids to secrecy?! And why worry about you hearing about the divorce?!
Originally Posted by HaWho
(I guess he has been calling himself “the family man” to them?!?!
Wow! I'm happy for you your son can see the truth, sad for you that's the truth your son has to see.
