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A Message from Michele
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unchien Offline OP
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Thanks MLC - I was definitely trying to nice my W back for long before I even joined here, before things really unraveled. I still don't really understand what happened with her, but I'm also at peace with it and happy to have the life I have now.

She spewed a lot of vitriol my way last week as we finalized the settlement. I wasn't surprised, but we had gone a year of almost complete quiet other than handling logistics with our kids, so it was interesting to see that nothing had changed for her. She asked for a last minute 6 figure payment, which I declined (and offered not a penny more). She just lost it a couple times -- long ranting text threads, blaming me for everything and how none of this was fair. I guess that's how she needs to feel in order to justify her behavior and actions. Otherwise, she has to look in the mirror and accept that she dragged me through the mud, more or less extorted me for money for 2 years, made false accusations (these were not disagreements about what happened, but some outright falsifications) and has squeezed me for every last penny without accepting any responsibility to move on with her new life.

It seems like she's continued to heap all her unhappiness and resentments about her life onto me. Isn't that what happens in so many of these WAS situations (if not all)? The only reason we settled is that there was one thing my X thinks is going to bring her happiness, and there was a risk without settlement she would not get that one thing. Otherwise, guaranteed, she was going to drag this out for many more years.

Happy Father's Day to the dads out there!

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Hi Unchein,

Happy Father's Day! So happy you reached a settlement. I hope you continue to post here periodically. I definitely saw you mastering new skills as you worked through the process and am optimistic for your future.



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Happy Father's Day, U!

A thought - people are very rarely the villain in their own story. I think understanding will come in time but it will be on a lot longer timeline. My opinion: forgive her anyway. It's definitely not the easier route for you, but in time I think your kids will come to appreciate it.

Take care smile

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Forgiveness may be something later.

I'm not really consumed with resentment, nor do I see forgiveness blocking my ability to effectively coparent the kids and do my part to shield them from any conflict.

Mostly I'm consumed these days with other things. I have plenty to focus on in my life. I'm changing jobs in a few months (transition to a new role). I have 3 kids to take care of part-time. I'm moving in a few weeks. And I'm trying to plan out my finances now that there is a path out from the absolutely ridiculous spending vortex. I'm trying to be a better dad. Some family is visiting next month and it's been fun planning out adventures for the kids and their cousins.

I don't know, forgiveness is just not something I think about these days. I don't think it's really blocking me from some any sort of progress. And if I did, it's a little fresh 3 days after hearing what was fair is if she took the kids 1000 miles away and started a life without me. I've learned (with meditation and the like) that anger and acceptance can kind of balance out and co-exist, no need to try to completely resolve any of those feelings now.

Regarding villains -- I like the concept of the hero-villain-victim triangle and how people tend to use that framework to perpetuate unhealthy relationship dynamics. My X is not the villain, it just is what it is, we'll move on and adjust to our new lives. I'll never forget what happened, maybe I'll forgive (IDK, not really something on my mind) and that is that.

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Forgiveness is a process and not a one time decision. There are things you will forgive her for immediately and there are other things that you may never forgive her for the rest of your life. Then there are others that you may forgive her and then some trigger occurs later and a wound opens up and you realize you have not really forgiven her smile

If forgiveness is not on your mind, that is probably a good thing because it shows you are not dwelling on the hurt. This will allow you to heal and as a consequence allow you to forgive faster

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Forgiveness is not for the other person....it is for you! Bitterness, anger, resentment are a prison for YOU, not the person that has wronged you. Heck, in most cases the WAS doesn't even feel like they did anything wrong.

So forgive them FOR YOU, not for them.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Forgiveness is not for the other person....it is for you! Bitterness, anger, resentment are a prison for YOU, not the person that has wronged you. Heck, in most cases the WAS doesn't even feel like they did anything wrong.

So forgive them FOR YOU, not for them.


You have a choice to not to forgive a person for their mistakes and at the same time choose not to be bitter, angry or resentful smile You can just choose to detach and cut them out of your life or at least some aspects of your life where they no longer influence your thoughts or feelings.

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Hi MLC,

Originally Posted by "Oxford Languages"
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
"I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her"

Originally Posted by "American Heritage"
To relent in being angry or in wishing to exact punishment for (an offense or fault).

If you stop feeling bitter, angry, and resentful you've forgiven a person.

To forgive doesn't mean to forget. I can forgive a person and still set a boundary of no contact.

Originally Posted by MLC
Then there are others that you may forgive her and then some trigger occurs later and a wound opens up and you realize you have not really forgiven her smile

Yes. There are people I have not fully forgiven. I like what unchien said about the last "offense" being 3 days fresh and not feeling the resentment is affecting his day-to-day coparenting. I agree we have to prioritize many options for self-improvement, letting go of anger and resentment being only one area.



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Hi CW, I feel that is a simplistic definition of forgiveness. In reality, forgiveness is much more complex. If you are setting boundaries of no contact due to the prior actions of the other person, it means you are still affected by their actions and have not absolved them completely even if you choose not to be resentful.

But yes, if you go by that simple definition of forgiveness equating to not being resentful, I agree with what SteveLW said about forgiving for you and not the other person.

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Hi U,

So glad to hear from you and very relieved that the settlement has been finalized!

The discussion of forgiveness is really interesting to me as it is something I'm thinking about a lot right now. I know that DnJ talks about it on his thread over in MLC and there might be some helpful info for you there, if you have any interest. It doesn't sound like the lack of it is doing anything negative to you.

Hugs to your kids,

May


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D11
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
9/20-present R attempt #2
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