One thing that has astounded me throughout this pandemic is the level of denial. Also the degree of politicization of basic health measures. I’ve known of people forced to work maskless in an unsafe office because they feared being fired from their job if the wore a mask, because if the boss’s anti-mask political fervor. One was someone whose job is phone sales so totally could have worked from home. The boss is violating county regulations but they were afraid to report him. Terrible.
Soooo many red flags all seen clearly too late. The boiling frog analogy is a good one. I accepted multiple small bad behaviours over time which taken together - even in part - would have been a deal-breaker if I had known / realized at the beginning. But individually I was able to choke down my unease.
Actually, they were seen in plenty of time. They were seen by many here and by your family and friends in your life. Heck your own son warned you. Those here nearly begged you not to move S in - at least so fast. So the red flags were seen but you tried to explain them away, In the end saying something about if you don’t try you’ll never know and opportunities are often missed by people not willing to take a chance.
Trying to now re-write history and explain it all away serves you no good Andrew. That’s why I bring this up, not to say everyone told you so but hopefully to get you to listen the next time this happens. Had you listened to your son, your barber, your friends, KML, Dawn, LH, Doodler, Ginger and countless others, you may have avoided all of this. You can’t go back so all you can do is learn for the future, but that won’t happen if you continue to deny what really happened. It’s not that the red flags were not seen, they were just not heeded or taken seriously, or were excused and explained away in favor of “love”.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I think back on the red flags I ignored about my ex- husband early in. Some were subtle, but they were there. I remember one time early in our dating, accompanying him as he did an errand. I corrected him on a small matter of fact in front of the clerk - bring the scrupulously honest person I am -and he was mad at me after. (Can’t remember what it was but he was telling a lie that benefitted him and expected me to back him up).
I’m glad I did our taxes all those years, he could not have been trusted not to fudge things.
Oh Andrew. Don is painfully correct. We all saw it from the very beginning. We pointed it out. Your son forewarned even before you started this relationship. We all saw the red flags flying high. We pointed them out to you almost daily. You defended her, turned a blind eye, said you miss the chances you don’t take, and gave every excuse in the book. Even deleted some people from SM who was saying things you didn’t want to hear. You chose to go against everyone warnings.
I bring this up not for an “I told you so” I bring this up for the next time. You didn’t miss anything, it wasn’t hidden and everyone cautioned you. Next time Really listen. People say these things because it is more clearly seen from the outside and we care. Much less will be lost of you really open your eyes to what others are saying and what you see with your own eyes. We knew you did see it, you just didn’t want to see it.
In the future, know that the people in the life have your back and pay some good mind to them. Because they care
Well.. Hmm. Where to begin? I agree with what Don, Ginger and LH said (well, he did tell you so) ... rather than add to that, though, I have a question: what have you learned?
Also: do not trust her to give you back the key. Change the lock. It's an annoyance, and a small expense but your complete peace of mind is worth it, don't you think?
I feel so sad for S's kids, including the one who moved to the other side of the planet to get away from her.
mail order haggis is a thing. google haggis delivery Canada. many options available.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I was going to say the same thing bttrfly did concerning the key and lock. Do not just wait for her to return it. Change the locks NOW! She should’ve returned it when she moved out because that is no longer her home. Does S18 have a key? I suspect not since you cart him around everywhere, so you won’t have to worry about changing them again when he goes.
As far as what the others said before me, I agree but I will just leave it at that and not pile on. I will say that I tried, as did many others, to be on team S, but there were SO many flags. The more you tell us now, the more I just dislike her in general. Who moves out of someone’s house, keeps the key, leaves their child and their belongings, and thinks it is ok to come and go as they please, not even knocking. Andrew, I BEG of you to change the locks TODAY. This woman has some nerve. As much as I love the show “Snapped”, I don’t want to see your story featured on there. (If you don’t know what “Snapped” is, Google it!)
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Slightly out of context but certainly I feel a reasonable response - as is often the case - from a favourite author who I think had insights into the world beyond the norm. Or at least many choose to interpret it that way.
Originally Posted by Terry Pratchett
Pastor Oats: There are so many shades of grey…
Granny Weatherwax: Nope. There’s no greys, only white that’s got grubby… And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That’s what sin is.
Pastor Oats: It’s a lot more complicated than that—
Granny Weatherwax: No. It ain't. When people say things are a lot more complicated than that, they mean they're worried that they won’t like the truth. People as things, that’s where it starts.
Not that I'm agreeing with some of the comments here, especially the more strident ones, it's just that I see no purpose in dragging my own version of the truth through the muck to justify / explain it when history shows that that just creates more noise, more much drama and makes things more grubby. I continue to work through those things that I did wrong to see why I missed or minimized those things that should have made me stop much much earlier. To answer your question bttrfly - what I learned is that I tend to trust and believe in people too readily, especially those who seem to know what they are doing. I need to be more skeptical. I also - as I was alluding to above - need to look at the situation in toto vs allowing each incremental smaller thing to be piled up on a larger progressively less acceptable whole. S was in hindsight extremely careful to avoid things that she knew I wouldn't approve of for example her anti-vax stance. She also assured me that only she and her youngest were the package involved - even up to a week before she and both boys and a much larger amount of critters moved in than what I had been told. There were numerous other things that she was careful to not bring up or perhaps didn't even think that they were worthy of discussion.
There's the old phrase "give an inch they'll take a mile" which I feel absolutely applies here. I need to learn from this experience to hold firm on that inch and to even be careful about giving in on it. It made my home into something that I found uninhabitable as I made accommodation after accommodation.
--
For now I'm going to keep the locks as they are knowing that there is a bit of a risk. Not a high one but certainly one that exists. After her son moves out then I'll ask for the key and if there are delays I'll just swap the cylinders from one door that she doesn't have a key to, to the main door. 5 minute job. The front door leads into the front porch and the door between it and the house is usually locked from the inside.
Just like in some ways when my ex-wife had a key to the house I'm not really worried. There's really nothing much to steal and unlike my ex-wife, S isn't on the insurance policies (glad I never did that) so she's unlikely to bump me off. Something that I did actually have a worry about with my ex at one point. There was a "lot" of money involved as well as her much more priceless reputation.
This rambly old house can be broken into by anyone with either a screwdriver or a ladder in about 3 minutes if they don't mind having the entire village as an audience. The camera will certainly act as a deterrent - I'm confident it did with my ex.
---
Lazy(ish) day yesterday. I didn't get hardly any of the office work done that I had been hoping to so need to do at least some of that today. I did make a big pot of butternut squash soup though that will probably be lunches for much of the next week. I have some calculations to do for Monday's orders and checking back on how past orders were handled for new orders that are coming in. Loading documents to prepare etc. I'm getting numbers reliably now out of the plant control systems after getting through the "why on earth would you need that" typical barrier that exists whenever you try to re-imagine a process. I need to marry those up to the other information that comes in from other sources on orders, rail car movements and truck movements. I don't want to spend my days looking up numbers from multiple sources if I don't need to but I also know the perils of trusting any sort of automation without understanding the underlying processes when the automation inevitably fails.
In looking at this process from the point of automation it will require me to understand the moving parts better than I would have to otherwise and could also help when I take vacation of those people who will be backing me up will be able to have that as a crutch on something they don't do often. Worth the effort on my own time.
---
I did pop in to the shop around the corner for my weekly baked treat and unusually had a bit of a gossip with the owner of the shop and her sister. I used to sit with the owner and we'd have lunch together and a visit but that stopped during the first lockdown. Usually there's a customer behind me so I get in, get my treat and get out. S used to work there one day a week and I am sure the owner - who I consider a friend - is upset with me that we split. I think I was redeemed a bit when she found out that S's S18 is still here and that I'm driving him back and forth to work. The closest I've given to any sort of explanation - because it's really nobody's business - is that it was "too much" for me usually followed by a joke that I might, maybe think about getting a cat eventually. And I don't want to say anything negative about S to her former employer and friend.
The sister - who has been single for many years asked if I enjoyed being by myself and pointed out that she herself plus many single women of her acquaintance will never be looking for a partner as they prefer life on their own. I can certainly see where she's coming from. In other useful news, she knows of an apartment, also close to where S18 works that is just coming available. I asked if that could be passed on to S as I'm staying out of any of those plans or arrangements and that was fine.
The biggest part of the discussion was if I could substitute cumin for coriander if I tried to make my own haggis variety (don't think I'll get one even by mail - mailing frozen meat just seems unsafe). I've found a recipe that I think I'm going to try. I found pretty much everything although I'll have to substitute beef liver for chicken liver.
----
Sunday mornings are still tough and have been since bomb-day. It historically was the one big day that for most of the marriage that we would spend together in an otherwise busy life. We'd sleep in, go out for brunch and then do the grocery shopping and then putter around the house. About half the time I'd make dinner for the family. If there were more extensive adventures / shopping they would usually be done then as well. I think of everything in my past, Sunday mornings are what I miss the most. I've created new routines and new traditions but waking up Sunday morning with the other side of the bed being cold and empty is a sad time. These days I have to get up and get going to get S's S18 into work for 11:00 - I'm looking forward to that not being needed any more. It limits what I can do for the day as I also have to be around to pick him back up any time between 1:30 and 3:00.
Well - tea pot #2 is empty now. I have a fresh baked loaf of bread that will be along with some soup my lunch. I have a pork loin in the slow cooker to roast. A bit of office work then a nice soak in the tub for a relaxing Sunday.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
