Hello Sandi2 - No real update, nothing much has happened since Friday, R talks did not materialise, but the atmosphere in the house has improved, a bit more relaxed. Still doing our own things, but without so much negativity.
I'm just getting on with me and the boys. No serious talks, just small talk, she seems more receptive to the small talk than in recent weeks, but I am not reading too much into that.
I would definately like to give back to this forum, it has helped me so much, those who have posted on my thread and those whose posts I read before I posted here, all have helped me through my situation.
As my affair was 11 years ago, things are sketchy in my head and TBH it is something I deeply regret and have closed the door on until recently when it all got shaken up with my W's affair. In fact Sandi's reading of a WW are very similar to what I went through minus the resentment and anger.
At the moment I feel I need to prioritise me and my situation, but once that is resolved in whatever way it does, I will be here and see if I can help others.
How does that sound?
yes, of course! hang in there.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Hello All - Thought I would post an update, although not much has happened.
Week has gone OK, no negativity or nastiness and no R talks. I have been going into the office when my W is not working, and then we lead pretty much seperate lives apart from when we come together as a family of 5 at dinner time to go on walks, movies etc etc, although we did watch a film together in bed on Sat night.
We share the household chores and cooking and then when done my W just watches netflix, whether that be at night or the PM. We share small talk, but no convos about anything major.
No physical contact.
I am continuing GAL, it is like we are detaching from each other, I don't know if this is a good thing or not for reconciling.
That is pretty much it and TBH I do not see much changing in the coming weeks.
Hello All - Thought I would post an update, although not much has happened.
Week has gone OK, no negativity or nastiness and no R talks. I have been going into the office when my W is not working, and then we lead pretty much seperate lives apart from when we come together as a family of 5 at dinner time to go on walks, movies etc etc, although we did watch a film together in bed on Sat night.
We share the household chores and cooking and then when done my W just watches netflix, whether that be at night or the PM. We share small talk, but no convos about anything major.
No physical contact.
I am continuing GAL, it is like we are detaching from each other, I don't know if this is a good thing or not for reconciling.
That is pretty much it and TBH I do not see much changing in the coming weeks.
I would caution you on using the word "detach" for what she is doing. You saying that "we are detaching from each other" tells me that you haven't really come to an understanding of what detachment is. So I would suggest spending some time there.
Detachment is not physically separating, or not engaging the other person when they engage. It isn't ignoring, being rude, or acting like a jerk. It is simply getting to a place where your emotions are not tied to the other person's actions. Think about BD. When we get BD'd our emotions take over. We cry, beg, plead, reason, make crazy promises, get angry. etc. Imagine on BD if we get ILBAMILWY or "I want a D", and we stay calm and rational. We react in a way that denotes to the WAS "I don't agree with what you are doing but I understand that I cannot stop you, and therefore I am going to be okay no matter what you decide." It would turn the entire dynamic of your sitch around.
The LBS's job post BD is to learn how to get into the above frame of mind. The WAS post BD will begin to completely unplug from the MR and the LBS. That isn't detachment.
Reconciliation is something she has to decide she wants...you are already want R so the power to R or not is solely in her hands.. GAL keeps you from continuing to push her further away, so GAL and "emotionally detaching" helps you remove all pressure and pursuit. It is classic distance-pursuit dynamic (read that thread). She is like a cat, if you chase the cat it will run from you. But if you leave it alone, sit quietly, eventually the cat will get curious and come jump in your lap. That is what GAL and detachment helps you do...NOT chase her.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/15/2102:12 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I understand, a state of mind rather than a physical thing. I feel I am detaching and what happened later today kinda shows I am... I think.
W started a text chat on houses today and asked which ones was I looking at as she saw me on my phone looking at them.
Just said all sorts. She asked do I know what I can afford, I said "yes". Asked if she was looking, she replied "Not properly, don't know what I can afford. Have to work out how things will work. Can't see a future together, there is no love or affection between us, don't think I can make you happy."
ME- So your saying that you don't think you can make me happy.
W - You will be happier without me
ME - Ok. Be interested to know why you think that?
W- Who would be happy in a loveless marriage!
ME -I can see why you would say that, but that's why my preferred option is to work on the marriage.
After that exchange I feel indifferent to her and it does not bother me, plus I kind of kept it short and sweet, so for me a good step in detaching and not being tied in emotionally to the convo.
Well, it think but you vets may have another view...lol.
Its all WW BS. The mind is a powerful device. If she thinks she can't be happy in the marriage she won't be until she finds out that maybe she didn't have it so bad.
Until then there is nothing you can do to change her mind. I am not sure what you ages are but this is very common for a woman in her 40s.
