Oceangrl: Update on MR and LRT sitch

[Joe2017]

It seems like, for whatever reason, counseling is not working. There are disconnects. Are you telling your counselor and H that what he wants to do for you isn't what you want or need? If you are, he's not listening.

In my sitch, I could never get over the fact that I had been cheated on. It takes a while to heal from that... and TBH, I am 99% over it now, and I don't think I could ever fully trust my ex again. I think can be friends, but she'd never have my heart or trust again.

And this won't be your last Christmas as a family if you split. You still have your family, no matter what. It's just going to be different. Nothing ever stays the same. Things will change, and you will adapt.

It's hard to think there will be good to come from all of this, but there will be eventually.

My WW left me on Thanksgiving and forced me out of the MH right after Christmas. I never thought I'd recover, but I did. It was hard, but I enjoy my life more now. It takes a while and a lot of counseling, because it's hard. But you'll make it.

[Oceangl]

Joe2017 -

1. I will definitely tell the counselor on Saturday.
2. Yes, it is so so so hard. I would say I am doing better for longer periods of time, and building up my self. Then some odd thing will happen and take my breath away. I still sometime can't wrap my head around the fact that it really happened and he could be capable of such a nuclear version of dishonor and infidelity.

Thank you for your words of hope. I can't imagine what you wen through over that holiday season. How terrible! I am glad that you are enjoying your life. I have been with this man since I was 19, and I am in my 40s now, so often I have trouble even picturing a life without him in it as my companion.

[Oceangl]

Update:

Today I had an IC session. It was hard but good. Hard in that there are no easy or happy answers right now regarding my MR. It's just something to work through. I let myself cry and feel. My IC has worked a lot with my H, so he is familiar with how he operates, thinks, handles everything. He leveled with me that my H checked out of the R a long time ago. He has declared we are roommates and he has no feelings for me, no common interests...you know, the standard party line. And he is fine to keep going as roommates until the last kid is out of the nest (about 7 years). My therapist stated that my H won't file because he has this thing about not being the bad guy and can't deal with shame. So if I file he can throw his hands in the air and say...well I was willing to keep going. which of course is bull s$it; but that's the game I find myself in. My therapist basically said that until he is willing to do the work he won't change. He will be unhappy and you will get the blame.

Every day I deal with the fact he has emotionally and mentally checked out. His body is here but he's just gone. He does not allow any connection to happen. There is a wall around him that is high and thick. Sometimes I think I could see it physically if I focused my eyes enough. Two weeks ago we took a small family weekend trip and he was more open to me. He was talking to me and a teeny bit affectionate. Then he shut it all down. It used to really hurt me, now it's just another Tuesday if you know what I mean.

So here I am at Christmas. And I am determined to enjoy it the best I can. I still see so many good things in my life, I have my kids, and good people and family members who love me and see me for who I am. Christmas is not about your life being perfect. It is about having hope and seeing the blessings and good and choosing to see them. In the past few years, each Christmas I was so distracted about what was going in with him or the state of my M, he was my foNo cus and how he felt about me (gag but it's the truth) was how I measured my happiness and well-being. I realize now I don't know how many Christmases I will get, or my children or family or friends. So I am working hard everyday to be present. To see my kids and what's real. My mom has cancer (again), and I want to enjoy this season with her. And that's all I or anyone has. There are no guarantees. If i don't stay present and see the good amazing things in my life, then I will jump back to the reality that this is most likely my last Christmas as an intact family unit. I have to acknowledge that sadness, but I can't stay there. I can't let next Christmas hijack this one.

Like my therapist said, if you met my H you would think he was a really nice guy, charismatic, friendly. But he doesn't have the ability to go deeper right now because he can't let himself. He deals with things just like this father did. His father ran away (by going to work all the time) and his mother was basically catatonic. If we don't break the cycle by working on ourself, we repeat it. I always read about these kind of things, but to experience it....is hard. And sad.

As May said in her thread, it's his work, and I can't do it for him. And so far he's choosing not to. And I can't wait around another five years being emotionally neglected in the minute hope that somehow he will. He has even said crazy stuff to me like "maybe in a few years down the road we will be together again." I was speechless. Cause it's nuts. And I am not here to sit around until you decide I'm worth it and you grace me with your presence.

Although that does show how far I've come because four years ago I would have thought OKAY! Yikes.
Anyway, after the session I let myself have a good cry, get it all out, and then go on with my day. That's all any of us can do right now.

[Joe2017]

Hey grl,

It's really hard. Being in a relationship for so long conditions you to be codependent. It's very hard habit to break free from. You want things to go back to when they were good. I'm sorry friend, but I don't think they ever will. It's not your fault, nor is it about blame at this point.

From everything you have posted it really seems like you will have to file for D if you want to change your sitch. I know you don't want to hear that. Part of you probably thinks you can hang on until the kids are all grown and flown, but will that be good for you? Can you put up with 8-10 more years of this? I know you said 7 years but kids these days don't move out like we did at their age.

You are the only one who knows the answer, and you're the only one who has the ability to change your reality.

[Oceangl]

Hey grl,

It's really hard. Being in a relationship for so long conditions you to be codependent. It's very hard habit to break free from. You want things to go back to when they were good. I'm sorry friend, but I don't think they ever will. It's not your fault, nor is it about blame at this point.

From everything you have posted it really seems like you will have to file for D if you want to change your sitch. I know you don't want to hear that. Part of you probably thinks you can hang on until the kids are all grown and flown, but will that be good for you? Can you put up with 8-10 more years of this? I know you said 7 years but kids these days don't move out like we did at their age.

You are the only one who knows the answer, and you're the only one who has the ability to change your reality.

thanks for your thoughts. I think you're right, its just a matter of processing for me and accepting. A year ago I thought i could hang on, now I do not believe I can. Nor do I want to. But I hate losing my intact family. We are a great family. I hate not having my kids everyday. Those are the things I hate.

[OnlyBent]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with these feelings, especially this time of year OG. Hugs to you, I can feel the hurt in your words.

[Oceangl]

I just came here thinking that it's New Year's Eve, and many of us might be feeling discouraged. I try to remember I'm not alone and we are all here in it together! Good luck in the new year!

[SteveLW]

I just came here thinking that it's New Year's Eve, and many of us might be feeling discouraged. I try to remember I'm not alone and we are all here in it together! Good luck in the new year!

Happy New Year, OG!

[ScottB]

Happy New Year OG. I’ve been where you are. I remember a time i wished my WAW would just get it over with, because I was never going to leave. I’m not sure what the answer is, time will tell. She left 32 days ago and not having the kids every day is a really hard for me. My wife and I were still friendly son it was nice having a companion for me, even if there was no intimacy. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish there was an answer or a way to change it.

[Oceangl]

Updating my situation:

Four years after I found out about his long-term emotional and physical affair (w a good family friend), he has filed for D. He basically gave me a choice; he would stay with me as a roommate until the kids were out of the house, and if something magically happened between us in that time, great. And amazing choice B was divorce. Of course, in his version we are best friends and can "take care of each other better as friends then M partners" was his vision.

I told him that I did not want to live the next eight years as roommates with my husband in a sexless (by his choice) marriage. He has this need to look like a good guy to people, and so I think cutting off sex and being a roommate was his way of pushing me to file so he could say it was what I wanted. In the end, I told him I would not be his roommate. I would either work with him to make the marriage we both wanted, or he would need to file. I said while I don't agree it is the right choice, I am not going to play games or force anyone to be with me who doesn't want to be. He finally filed at the beginning of February.

I am sad of course, but also seeing more and more of who he is. And I don't want to be treated like that anymore. I am also feeling the weight of telling our kids. I really dread it, and it is emotionally draining for me. I feel like I am in survival mode. I think I'm doing a great job of survival mode, I am civil, and doing my best to plan and see a happy future for me. I want to go through the grief process but not get stuck in it. I am in the acceptance part with a heaping dose of anger. I mainly handle that anger by journaling, talking to a couple close friends, and my IC. I haven't had any conversations other than the basics with him before today and when he filed.

Here's what I am grappling with. While he has moved to another bedroom, we are still living together. He travels for work and is usually gone a week at a time. When he is gone, I do so much better. I am basically NC with him unless it is a matter with children. I go through the normal grieving process. We were last apart for about 20 days, and I was doing well. Now he is back. And it is so hard on me. While I don't do this, I want to first take my anger out at him in one moment, and in another ask him if there is any chance we could try again. OMG I am so embarrassed even typing that. I don't want him back, so why does that pop in my head? I often retreat to my bedroom alone so I can cry for a minute and then get back to life. I have told him I want him to move out asap, that this is hard on me. That I am going through a grief process and I experience anger and sadness and it's harder when he is around. He wants to be friends and is hooked on the word "amicable." I said I don't want to be his friend right now, and I don't have any friends who treat me the way he does. I said maybe one day it will be like that, I don't know, but it's not now. I said I can be civil and professional, and I have no desire to punish. I want this process over with as quickly as possible. But I don't want to be friends. His concern is we don't know what the finances will be, and he doesn't want to move out until he knows what he can afford and what the parenting plan will look like. He also doesn't want to tell the kids until he can say exactly what will happen.

While I care very much about my kids and their mental and emotional health, mine is important also. I feel like we could tell them we are divorcing and that there will be two households. And let them know more when we know more. He doesn't agree. The separation is also hard on me, and I'm trying to figure out how to get through the time he is here in a better way.

We are going through a collaborative divorce, which means that we both have an L to guide us, but we work as a team with a neutral financial facilitator and a second neutral facilitator for other matters like parenting, etc. It's also a quicker and less expensive process. Having said that, he wants us to decide things ahead of time. I don't, because I know he will try to get me to go without things, and I want the guidance of the L before I make any decisions. He said, okay fine, if you want this to be more expensive than we can do it that way. It's not what I think we should do, but if that's what YOU want. This is something he does often to get me to do something by making me feel bad. I called him out on that and said that's exactly why I want an L there. I said I have shown you so far my intentions, that I don't want this dragged out and I don't want to play games. But I also want to make sure I am doing this in the wisest way possible. You have to remember, this is someone who hid a bank account and a car from me when he was having his A. So while I don't think he's like that anymore, I won't be taking chances now that I know it's possible.

Whew, okay that's the written info dump from me. Thanks for staying with me. I value all your input and experience and I'm so glad to have this place. Especially during this time. After telling him how hard it was to be around him, and how I didn't want to do the fake happy family thing, he just asked if we all want to go to the gym together as a family tonight. Good grief. Sounds so painful to me right now. So do I go, or have everyone else go, and I stay home alone? I hate when there are no good choices.