I imagine that, because of your ex-wife’s hoarder tendencies, you missed how bad S’s hoarding was, because it felt familiar.
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I think in some ways that it bothers S18 on how the house is transforming under his feet. It undoubtedly feels weird to him to see the clutter vanish.
I rather doubt that. Most kids of hoarders hate it. He may be bummed at being left behind again, and maybe a bit ashamed to see what a mess has been made of your house, but I doubt he misses the clutter.
In fact, please enlist him to help with some of the vacuuming and toilet cleaning - life skills he will need going forward. If you can send him off with some recipes and cooking skills, the ability to do his own laundry, and some vague notion of how to clean a home, you will have done him a great service.
I imagine that, because of your ex-wife’s hoarder tendencies, you missed how bad S’s hoarding was, because it felt familiar.
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I think in some ways that it bothers S18 on how the house is transforming under his feet. It undoubtedly feels weird to him to see the clutter vanish.
I rather doubt that. Most kids of hoarders hate it. He may be bummed at being left behind again, and maybe a bit ashamed to see what a mess has been made of your house, but I doubt he misses the clutter.
In fact, please enlist him to help with some of the vacuuming and toilet cleaning - life skills he will need going forward. If you can send him off with some recipes and cooking skills, the ability to do his own laundry, and some vague notion of how to clean a home, you will have done him a great service.
I completely agree. Now 18 is someone worthy of your tendencies to help, imho. and the best way to help this poor kid is to illustrate a different way to live and give him some solid life skills he'd otherwise never learn.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Well the next truckload might not be that big but then again there's a lot of stuff in the 24' shed that has the sailboat in it. And the garden shed is pretty packed. There's still a good chunk of stuff in the house though.
I have thoroughly purged the MBR suite. The office is clear, the kitchen and downstairs bath mostly, laundry room is clear, front hall, upstairs hall and living room are also cleared. The garage is also mostly purged and it's nice to be able to park in there again. Carrying the heavy boxes of books down from the upstairs hall was perhaps more than I should have done at once go but it feels good to see the walls and floor again. Albeit the floor is filthy and that bothers me. It's amazing how dirty things got in just a few months, especially places where things were piled. I'll probably have to damp mop most of the hardwood. I'm shifting things into the front porch, the front bedroom where S13 was (which I keep thinking of as D28's bedroom) and the dining room.
Part of me wants to feel bad about this but I will admit that it is very freeing.
I spent a bunch of today shopping around. A few things that I needed that aren't here were picked up. I was pleased because while I was out shopping I recalled that I didn't see any bubble bath nor the bath bombs that I had recently purchased on their shelf so got some new and yep - sure enough - those pampering things were gone but I was clever enough that I could have a nice soak in the tub anyway.
One of the things I was looking for was a Christmas tree but such things aren't to be found. I've messaged my younger brother to see if I can get a tree from his farm. He actually plants spruce intending on using them for Christmas trees but I'll be fine with whatever. We used to use cedar trees when I was a boy because that's what we had and the smell of cedar still takes me back to those days when we'd all gather in "the back room" around the old wood stove. I always loved wood heat - somehow it seems "nicer" although there certainly is more work and mess involved with it. I've thought about putting a small parlour stove in here but it's not practical as running the chimney up is way too much expense and effort.
Banking was largely sorted out on Saturday morning. It's funny - the lady helping me was one who I had considered dating quite a long time ago. Way too young and it turns out "gifted" with ADD. A nice person, always seeming to move at full speed. She was able to get things mostly figured out. There were some challenges that she'll have to work on later. My main chequing and savings accounts are now "mine". I have to keep the other account open because the loan is tied to it so until that gets sorted out it's active. It has just enough money in it to cover the loan and the monthly fee. I bank with a credit union and have always appreciated the personal service that I've gotten. It's amazing how perhaps most people don't think about it but in managing life's transitions having competent and compassionate people at the bank, insurance company etc is incredibly helpful.
I've not heard anything from S so asked S18 if he knew and he said that she is indeed coming back Monday as she had said but then picking him up, turning around and then bringing him back on Wednesday. I'm not expecting her until mid-late afternoon. Not sure why but it may be doctor related or she may just need his muscles. I've offered to feed his rabbits while he's away. One of the things that I got this past weekend was a set of spare sheets so that the inflatable mattress can be used for any potential guests. From what S18 said I don't need to worry about needing that for his mother.
It's funny in some ways - I dig to try to find the love that I felt for S and it's not there any more. Perhaps it wasn't attached all that thoroughly. I have affection for her and her S18 and D26 and even the dog. But no desire to have them in my life.
Well - stuffed pork loin for dinner. I spotted it at the grocery store and thought it would make a nice dinner. My mother used to make something she called "mock duck" which was beef steak wrapped around stuffing which is similar and was a favourite dish. S18 cooked himself a meal from scratch last night. Grilled cheese - but I'm not going to judge on that. I'm glad he's seeming to get more confidence in the kitchen. While it might be good to mentor the boy I don't want to step too far into a role that I don't want to have long term. He sees me and how I seem to always be puttering cleaning, cooking, reading and that perhaps gives him a different perspective on how to lead a life. That it's not about sitting in front of the TV and eating convenience food when you happen to be hungry.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Part of me wants to feel bad about this but I will admit that it is very freeing.
Yes, taking back your life is an emancipation. In the cases of our divorces it was an unwanted emancipation, but for many of us, an emancipation nonetheless. Getting control over your life again is a good thing.
Part of me wants to feel bad about this but I will admit that it is very freeing.
Yes, taking back your life is an emancipation. In the cases of our divorces it was an unwanted emancipation, but for many of us, an emancipation nonetheless. Getting control over your life again is a good thing.
Music is a big thing for me. Bob Marley's Redemption Song was my theme for letting go of my marriage. "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery - none but ourselves can free our minds". It still resonates.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Andrew hold onto this feeling. File it away in case you need to remember what it feels like in the future. xo
It feels pretty good still. As odd as it sounds I don't miss S the person. Over the months leading up to now I spent quite a bit of time thinking about her and what defined her. And really couldn't find anything.
My ex-wife had a thing for cats and gave the best chin-scritches to all the fuzzy members of the household. She was dedicated to her volunteer work with girls and gave a lot of herself to that cause and grew because of it. She was a hard worker (outside the house) and despite some grumbling and complaining she was very good at it and it was a lot of what defined her. I was very proud of her.
B had a thing for chickens (long story). She was an excellent baker and took it quite seriously. Her kids, grandkids and mother were everything to her and she was constantly visiting them or talking to them. She loved travel, the beach, fishing. She liked her job, a good laugh and was unafraid to express herself - often fairly loudly and with Italian hand gestures for emphasis.
Both of these people - along with many others I have encountered over the years inspired me with their passion for the world around them. Some of that is reflected in my bow tie collection. They were also generally easy people to buy a gift for as what they were interested in was easily seen.
S - I got nothin. She kind of likes owls or at least people would give them to her. She never seemed to use any of the holistic techniques or tools she had. She's fond of her kids when she needs them to do something for her. I've certainly learned how easily I can be fooled by a facade a person can present and then that I have a tendency to believe and trust in them and actually put in the effort to maintain that facade in my mind long after it has been proven to not be a thing. Last year I got her a spa day for her and a bestie. It turns out that her former partner also got her something like that some years (presumably) prior. Neither ever got used. There's nothing that I could easily go into a shop and say "S would love this" - again - something to keep in mind. I know from having to shift it around that she has no end of kitchen gadgets and "stuff" - much of which is still in the original boxes. She has all sorts of prints and such - many with the original price tags and packaging and that never was hung up.
I don't see myself getting a tie to remember this relationship with.
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Little to my surprise S messaged me yesterday in the late afternoon that she was held up and needed me to pick up her S18 from work - and a prescription for S13. She was needing to pick up S18 for a doctor's appointment today and also wanted to grab winter coats and boots from the stuff still here.
S18 was working until 8:00 and she messaged me at 6:15 from an hour away at S13's Dad's place where presumably he's been for the past few weeks - again. She never got here I believe (I was in bed) until well after 9:00 or perhaps 10:00. I heard some various moving around in the house around then. So it took her nearly 4 hours to pick up S13 and do a 1 hour drive. It's not out of the question that she was visiting with her ex - who has that on the S bingo card? I do think that she is one of "those people" who have to have someone as a partner just like her S18 was saying about his sister.
It was odd waking up in the house with no other human souls in it. Not bad, just "odd" and a bit emptier feeling. The cats were still here - darn - and the rabbits which S18 asked me to feed today.
Some more stuff was grabbed including the aforementioned coats and boots. With that gone I may look at packing up what is in the side-porch / mudroom. Looking around the house as it empties and I reclaim it, I am reminded that yes - I do have a lot of room here and actually more than before as I purged a fair bit of stuff to make room for S's.
S has said she'll be back on Wednesday to drop S18 off to work. Not sure if she'll be stopping by or picking up more stuff or not.
My biggest worry right now is what to get myself for Christmas. I've gotten pretty much everything for S26 and have ordered flowers for D28 and will probably see about getting them a zoo membership. There's very little that I need or even really want to bring in to the house. But it is nice to have a little something under the tree from Santa. One of the challenges is that most urban areas around here have gone back into zone red lockdown. One of the reasons I wanted to avoid S was the fact that she's been travelling back and forth across the province.
I could use a decent apron but most of the ones I would want aren't "Dad sized" and the ones that are aren't really suitable for my personality. I've asked S26 for a copy of the Betty Crocker cookbook - the main staple book here at the house which my ex-wife got from her parents and we carefully put the pages into a binder when it fell apart. I'm at a point where good recipes will outweigh bad memories.
I picked up S26 a "Charlie Brown Tree" from the craft shop in the next village. The owner was happy to see me and still pleased with her computer repair that I did. She mentioned in passing that her boyfriend has been helping her with her renovations and seems to live with his mother. So presumably she's just a very very friendly lady. She did say that she needs to get me hooked up - er - no. Hopefully S26 likes the tree. I'm going to give him the option of saying no. He's worried about his cats destroying it and hurting themselves. If he doesn't want it, I seem to have lots of room and can find a spot for it. I should be getting my own tree this Friday from my younger brother. He has some spruce he specifically planted as Christmas trees. It's really nice of him to let me have one of those.
Well - on with my day. It's a chilly and slightly snowy day here but winter has yet to sink her teeth into my part of the world.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm at a point where good recipes will outweigh bad memories.
I too have noticed that I can face things, places and people now that I've previously avoided like the plague because they were so entwined with memories of XH. Occasionally they can still bring pain, but it's not too hard these days to put that aside. Going back to old favourites like that cookbook surely has to be a great measure of progress!
