Yep its a book. If you are religious (I am not) it will be very strong for you and if you're not the concepts are great nonetheless!
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Welcome to a great support site. It helped me through the best worst thing that I have experienced in my life.
I didn't see you mention children, so I will assume you have none. Let us know if that is correct.
I frequently tell posters that the things that work are counter-intuitive. Really try to grasp this concept. Every choice that the two of you have made have brought you to this point. Obviously those choices did not work. You can start making different choices in your behavior and the way you interact with him. Think about how hard it is to change your habits. Now think how hard it would be to change someone else's behavior. It is extremely hard, almost impossible. Don't try to change him. Just focus on you and positive changes to your behavior.
With that said, initially treat him like a squirrel. If he comes around, or initiates contact, do not frighten the squirrel. You listen and validate his feelings. Always be the first to end the interaction. At some point, you can treat him like a cat. You be catnip. Do your research in attraction and seduction. There is a big difference and I believe both are required.
He believes he knows you. He does not. You are the only one that knows the real you. He has an image in his mind of who he thinks you are. Same for him. You do not know him. You have an image in your mind of who you think he is. So during this phase of the process, you will be changing and it will not fit his image of you. This is where consistent changes are required. Over time his image of you will change. Same for you. Take this time to learn about him, not try and change him.
Give him what he needs. Not that you agree with it, just that you understand it. Give him space and more space. Do not put any pressure on him and do not pursue him. This is the counter-intuitive part.
He needs to miss you before he will have a change of heart. He needs to feel that he has lost you before he will start to pursue you. With that said, he may not. We have no idea what he will choose. We just try to increase your odds.
Whatever he chooses, you will come out the other side a better version of you.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Read sandi’s rules. If you want to save your M do it. Or you can be like me and make every mistake over and over and hammer nails in the coffin of your M. Nobody can garuntee that it will work but if anything goes it’s those rules.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
We don't have children. I am struggling as well because I only have a few years left to have children and that is really important to me. I am wondering if it is better to try to move on in this case, as it is time sensitive..
I am also struggling with feeling like I will be able to move forward and heal if I am still keeping in contact with him once we separate. I am worried I will not be able to emotionally detach and think more logically if I get breadcrumbs of affection. Would it be better to go full no contact for a period of time?
R2C:Would it be better to go full no contact for a period of time?
Originally Posted by Cadet
Absolutely
Originally Posted by Steve85
Seconded.
Don't chase squirrels. Don't chase cats. Don't even chase dogs. They all run away. The way I train a new dog to come to me is by walking away. They follow me. If I have chicken, they come quicker.
No contact has two purposes. The first and primary reason is to protect you. Protect you emotionally. It gives you time to process everything. It gives you time to evaluate who you are and who you want to be. It gives you time to make positive changes in your behavior and how you interact with him (as well as others). It gives you time to grieve. You grieve the loss of the relationship. The second, it gets you out of H focus of blame for his unhappiness. As I said earlier, He needs to miss you before he will have a change of heart. He needs to feel that he has lost you before he will start to pursue you. How can this happen if you are constantly interacting with him.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sorry to hear about your situation. I encourage you to post often.
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We don't have children. I am struggling as well because I only have a few years left to have children and that is really important to me. I am wondering if it is better to try to move on in this case, as it is time sensitive..
Wow! ((hugs)) After reading your first post, I don't know that I could take the chance, if I wanted to birth a child.....rather than adopt. But, that's my opinion. Unfortunately, it does take "time"......and usually more than the LBS can imagine, for the WS to straighten out their life, or find their right mind again.......whatever the case. There are no guarantees that he would change from the man you know today and become the man you married (or thought you were marrying). When I say time, I'm leaning toward years, rather than months, based on what we usually see on the board. Sometimes, when the LBS cuts them out their life, and goes forward living without the WS, we'll see the WS start coming around quicker.......which may not be quick enough in your case, IDK.
It's tough, but you may have to determine which is more important in your life.......if you can't have him and a baby. I don't how to ask this tactfully........but is the problem with your H? I kind of got the idea that's why your weren't pregnant yet. So, what if you married someone else and they couldn't give you a child? Either way, sounds like pressure to me.
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I am worried I will not be able to emotionally detach and think more logically if I get breadcrumbs of affection. Would it be better to go full no contact for a period of time?
If he's just giving breadcrumbs of affection along with the other stuff I read, why are you so emotionally attached? Where is your spunk? Do you know why guys treat women the way you are being treated by your H? B/c they can! He knows you, and knows how far to push. He doesn't want you, but knows you want him, so he can get away with cheating, being a jerk, or whatever. You may cry or complain, but at the end of the day, he knows you are grateful for a little affection, and would forgive him for anything, if he'll just show a little kindness once in a while. If he acts like a jerk, while you meekly lick up any crumbs he drops on the floor........he's not going to be attracted to you. Same goes for nice guys who stay married to women who don't want to have sex. Human nature......... go figure.
I'm sure we don't have all the story yet, but I would still say you need to know what you want the most, and be responsible for your own happiness. (Easily said, right?) I use to think my H was suppose to make me happy. Can you imagine? That's what I heard growing up. So, it was easy for me to blame him for our unhappy MR, and most of my personal unhappiness.
I encourage you to take charge of your personal happiness. Work on whatever needs to change within you. I suspect your self esteem needs boosting. Make decisions based on your integrity, value system, personal morals, spiritual beliefs, etc. Focus on what's best for you, rather than getting pulled down by your H's behavior. If you don't like what he's doing, and you've tried to work on yourself as well as the relationship, then stop revolving your life around him.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No worries about asking tactfully. Right now it is him due to his medication (which could be treated down the road). But I have also been told I only have a few years left myself... I am starting to feel like maybe it is best that I move on if you are saying it could take years to bring him around. Sadly I don't have that time... I think I was wishfully thinking it would maybe be just a couple months of separation.
I am emotionally attached for a few reasons. 1) I'm still living with him and he goes between being distant and then being affectionate so it confuses me and gets my hopes up. 2) I still see glimpses of the man I fell in love with and so it is hard for me to accept that he has turned into someone else despite the evidence. 3) my self-esteem took an enormous hit over the past few months. I haven't included details about things he has said to me, but in anger he has belittled me quite a bit (and later apologized). My confidence has definitely fallen and I think it has fallen even more because he is leaving me.
I agree I am responsible for my happiness, so I am trying my best to work on myself and improve my self-esteem. I try to build healthy habits. I am struggling with emotional detachment for sure, I see that is my work.
Thanks everyone, I will take all of your advice and go no contact once I move next week. I think that is the only way I will be able to heal, regardless of what happens down the road.
But I have also been told I only have a few years left myself... I am starting to feel like maybe it is best that I move on if you are saying it could take years to bring him around. Sadly I don't have that time... I think I was wishfully thinking it would maybe be just a couple months of separation.
I can't recall any situation that went from separation to a happy outcome in a few months. If you only have a few years to have kids (e.g., you're in your 40s), consider moving on sooner rather than later. I'm so happy one of my ex's left me in her late 30s--she wanted children and I didn't want children with her--she ended married and pregnant just a couple of years later with a partner who wanted those.
Either way, sounds like pressure to me. 