Wife did another counselling session at the weekend.
It does seem that coming out of IC she's processing stuff that the councillor has "suggested" to her that has now shifted her into thinking that the feelings that resurfaced back up while she was with the AP that where her motivation to come back where just feelings that surfaced when she saw things in the AP that she didn't like and came back to me her "safety net". Romantic heh! Despite the fact she was messaging me telling me her relationship with the AP was over for about two weeks before she left but said she couldn't leave quite yet (keeping safety net in place I suppose). It seems to have her thinking about those feelings negatively and I felt like saying did you explore the possibility that perhaps those feelings where valid and real and it is was that you saw some issues with the OM that where red flags and maybe that gave you a moment of clarity (no answer). Also councillor said when she saw OM angry it reminded her of the violence in her past and that finally spurred her decision to actually leave (she never felt like that with me!) which again has got her doubting the reasons for leaving OM and coming back.
So here we remain, it seems she really doesnt know what she wants. She says she needs time to process her feelings and sort herself before she can work on "any" relationship whatever that means (sounds to me like OM is still an option!). I don't know gut feelings man! its telling me there is still something going on with OM and honestly I am starting to wonder if this IC is real, I feel she is being lead in these "counselling sessions" without much exploration of the feelings. There seems to have been a shift again between being negative towards the marriage and and not saying much about the OM and what's happened there..
Quite honestly I have my days where I KNOW how [censored] I've been treated and it would be best that I just walked away from all of this but at the same time I also maybe I am in a better place now she is at least home and it could be that R is just round the corner (is that the old hopium).
Affairs are typically acts of anger and resentment. Do you think it’s rational to think because the A/P turned out to be a D-bag things would just go back to being great in your marriage? The affair ending and the spouse being home are the two biggest red herrings in DB. She just thinks she was with the wrong OM. Get her out of the house and let her process her feelings. Maybe she misses you and maybe she doesn’t. The thing is you can’t force it. Are you worth it? Then bet on yourself.
W I think you should move out to get some space and process your feelings. I need some space too and think about what I want moving forward.
Fear always prevents this from happening. She’ll just run to om/ow. When the truth is she’ll do it no matter what the situation if she so chooses.
Its very hard to understand if this time is being used genuinely for her to process her feelings OR if this is just a tick box exercise hoping that either I will end things or she will and say at least she tried. I also worry that she is expecting that time alone will sort this and that her feelings will come back for me without doing any actual work.
I think you already know the answers to your questions. With her being remorseful, seeing you as a person of value and willingness to do the work she’ll walk again at some point because of the way your personalities mix with one another.
I think Covid is also leading to more false recons.
You are right about one thing in that only time will tell.
Whats holding me here right now other than the fact I love this woman is the "hope" she is actually doing some soul searching and if she is grieving the OM and trying to process all of that and perhaps right now that's what's holding her back.
Coming home straight from the AP bed wasn't the plan but that's what happened and it could be that everything that she had wrapped up in that relationship is hitting her hard right now.
Whats holding me here right now other than the fact I love this woman is the "hope" she is actually doing some soul searching and if she is grieving the OM and trying to process all of that and perhaps right now that's what's holding her back.
Coming home straight from the AP bed wasn't the plan but that's what happened and it could be that everything that she had wrapped up in that relationship is hitting her hard right now.
I watched my WW go through major withdrawal symptoms, including depression, about the end of both of her EAs. Do not mistake her mourning the loss of OM with remorse. It isn't the same. Remorse may come. In both cases my W eventually was remorseful for what she had done, but that can't happen while she is pining for OM, and sad that she can't have what they had or even what they promised each other in the future.
You do you. Focus on your. GAL, 180s, detachment. Leave her to work through her own stuff. That mourning period could last a few days, it could last a few months! You have no control over that.
Expect the worst, hope for the best.
Last edited by Steve85; 10/28/2001:11 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That what I often ponder over Steve, she has been back roughly 3 months and the initial month and a half was good but then things started to slide. It made me initially think the OM had reached out (or she did) OR if this was just the inevitable grieving that they can go through but I have given up trying to work things like this out as it takes up too much of my thinking time.
Whats holding me here right now other than the fact I love this woman is the "hope" she is actually doing some soul searching and if she is grieving the OM and trying to process all of that and perhaps right now that's what's holding her back.
Coming home straight from the AP bed wasn't the plan but that's what happened and it could be that everything that she had wrapped up in that relationship is hitting her hard right now.
I know you've heard this before but it took years for her to get where she is. If she is going to come back, it will take awhile as well. Stay patient and judge her actions not words. That can be grueling, especially if it burns you to imagine her in bed with the OM. But if you do the DB principles -- GAL, do 180s, and stay detached and strong -- you'll either be ready for her when she returns or you'll be ready to move on with your new life.
A few thoughts for you to take or leave, some things that really helped me:
Boundaries-- this was huge. AlisonUK was extremely helpful to me in understanding boundaries (and through this I realized that my H and I basically had zero boundaries, or at least zero enforced boundaries). There's a post on my thread from over the summer where Alison talks about boundaries that really helped me to understand the difference between boundaries (that protect me) and trying to change my H's behavior. I also spent a couple of months working explicitly on boundaries with my IC. I think this is critical work and really encourage you to spend some good time understanding what your boundaries are and how to protect/enforce them.
May22, I'm really curious about whether boundaries apply in my situation as well. Have you been on my thread yet? I'm about to ask the question about what next now that my divorce is almost done. Do boundaries still apply?
