Just got a text from her. Looking for advice and wanted to run sich by everyone. She asked if I had any plans for thanksgiving tomorrow. I am suspecting she wants invite me for supper with her and the kids. What should I do?
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Expectations. My usual response to, "Are you free on xxx?" is "Why do you ask?" The more information you have, the easier it is to make a good decision.
I Googled common answers to this uncomfortable question: "Why, what's up?" or "Why do you ask?" or "It all depends.." I'm apparently not alone in being unwilling to answer until they reveal their purpose. She has not proposed spending Thanksgiving together--that's your expectation. I've been bitten by expectations before. It's very possible, but it's also possible she wants wants to know if you're moving on or moping at home waiting for her, or to send you the kids so you can attend another event.
Thanks everyone. Just got a text from her. Looking for advice and wanted to run sich by everyone. She asked if I had any plans for thanksgiving tomorrow. I am suspecting she wants invite me for supper with her and the kids. What should I do?
My two cents -- say yes immediately yet don't go over with expectations of a lovey-dovey family. Watch her moves. Plan out in advance the conversation topics you will have, with her and the kids, and be knowledgeable about them. You will look interesting to her.
Dress well, put on aftershave if such is your practice, and be stronger than she remembers you to be. If she starts giving you compliments, keep to the DB principles while being personal. For example, she says, "Tim, you look and smell really nice today." Reply, "Thanks, honey, there are a lot of important people to me in this room and they're worth it." That's it! Don't say, I still love you or anything like that.
You might want to ask her in reply if there's anything you can bring over or make in advance, to take the burden off of her. It doesn't matter if you buy it, at least you took some of her cooking burden away.
Finally, be a great listener to what she says and affirm what she says. When she tells a story about work or a friend, ask her how she felt about it, and hang onto every word. This is where men always, always fail.
Some of Sandi's DB rules to not forget:
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! I'm guessing here, but you might have been the type to be self-deprecating in the past, as a way to show humility. No more of that if true. Don't be arrogant, but don't put yourself down.
Show self-respect and self confidence.
When communicating, focus on what the spouse is saying and needing and feeling, not about you.
Do not ask your spouse if she has noticed your changes,
Only show your spouse happiness and contentment, don't be negative especially about those things (e.g., politics) that you used to be negative about. Never be nasty, angry or cold.
Make your wife think that you have had an awakening, that's why you are dressing well and looking good.
When you leave, a hug and sweet kiss on the cheek are fine. Don't ask her about next time, because that puts pressure on her. Just make sure she remembers how wonderful a dinner it was with you because that guarantees a next time.
Just a quick update. It’s been a while since I have posted. Wife has yet to bring up any relationship talk. I ended up spending thanksgiving with wife and kids. She had invited me out and I agreed to go. She was sort of hot and cold during the visit. She wants to increase the amount of time I have with the kids per week. I was fine with that. After the visit I was driving back to the apartment. I realized I did not feel fulfilled and why I was putting myself through this pain. Don’t get me wrong it was nice to see everyone but I just felt really empty and sad. I’m wondering if I should put a stop to these visits. And do I tell her it’s nothing me or just leave it?
She wants to increase the amount of time I have with the kids per week.
Makes sense. That gives her more time to explore the single life. As long as she's not asking for more than 50/50, and as long as it's a regular schedule and not babysitting duty, it's a reasonable request.
Originally Posted by Timw10
I’m wondering if I should put a stop to these visits. And do I tell her it’s nothing me or just leave it?
Sorry, I'm not sure what you're proposing to tell her. The next time she invites you, you can politely decline, if she invites you again and you decide that's not in your or your kids' best interest. Don't be that guy who tells his wife, "Don't invite me again", which come across as rude and controlling.
Originally Posted by Timw10
I realized I did not feel fulfilled and why I was putting myself through this pain.
I'm sorry it was a painful visit. Some day, you'll probably be able to go to events in common, and just focus on and enjoy the presence of your kids. That may be some time from now. It took me a few years. It's natural to be in pain so soon after a breakup (and yes, I'm speaking from experience!!) I know divorced parents who never got there, and I know divorced parents who got there within a year.
Checking in on you man. I’m not here to give advice to you, I’m in your boat in a way. The experienced people give us advice we read and think it doesn’t apply to us perfect. We think Steve is great and his advice is good then and then LH passes us some hard truth (hard to hear sometimes i admit) and we think again, then another poster Cwarrior or someone else weighs and and we are all over haha. I get it man, what I look for is not what one of the caring people that take time for us here says but what a few of them say that sort of makes a thread. Everyone that responds to me I go back and dig up thier sitch, see where they succeeded and failed. Many of them were just like us at some point. Don’t beat yourself up. The only reason these people even help us is cause they have been us mistakes and all. They shake the head when we don’t learn but understand and keep pushing us to win. You gotta see at some point that you pushed the right thing and be happy with that. I feel I’m there. I did everything pretty dang close to right and she straight up said so. She even kissed me and went from “your not a plan Z even” to just give me some time in 24 hours! I thought I had for sure blew it totally with mistakes a couple weeks ago. She is hot and cold, she sends mixed messages, she has her fun but when i respectfully and remain in the masculine and withdraw she comes to me. I have to say what these folks say isn’t fluff. It’s works but we tend to think we can be different and etc. well, to a very small extent yes we have our own specifics but ultimately no, a waw/ww is pretty dang cookie cutter. So do yourself a massive favor, read sandies rules. And don’t take every interaction so serious. If you truly believe your changing and your a great man she will have no choice but to believe it too. Let the time work for you. Don’t be insecure. Don’t do like I do. We can do this. I have a lot of love for you, I feel like we can be champs if we believe that and stop being chumps. Please buy no more Mr nice guy from Amazon it’s like 12 bucks. It opens your eyes man! Do it! <3
Last edited by Steve_; 10/16/2004:03 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Just a quick update. It’s been a while since I have posted. Wife has yet to bring up any relationship talk. I ended up spending thanksgiving with wife and kids. She had invited me out and I agreed to go. She was sort of hot and cold during the visit. She wants to increase the amount of time I have with the kids per week. I was fine with that. After the visit I was driving back to the apartment. I realized I did not feel fulfilled and why I was putting myself through this pain. Don’t get me wrong it was nice to see everyone but I just felt really empty and sad. I’m wondering if I should put a stop to these visits. And do I tell her it’s nothing me or just leave it?
Tim! Re-read Sandi's rules about DB and then score yourself. Did you pass or did you fail? Were your strong or were your milquetoast? Did you show neediness, did you act the entire evening as if you were a puppy waiting for her to say something sweet?
If true, no wonder you were unfulfilled at the end of the evening. Your expectations were all wrong, as were your actions. You were expecting that this one single evening would be a major step on the road to recovery. No!
Examine how you acted and report back to us. Really. That's how we can help you.
It's been awhile since I posted anything. I thought I would post an update. So after almost 4 months of not talking about the R, my wife finally decided to talk yesterday. I was in utter disbelief. She discussed some of her hurts that she is going through, said she is trying to heal but doesn't know if she will be able to. She broke down at one point and she spouted a little bit of vitriol (not much but it stung) I stayed grounded. I validated her feels and told her "I appreciate you being open and vulnerable with me. I know it's been tough on you" She was also curious about my personal progress. She said "It's seems like your doing really well". I told her that "for a long time I didn't like the man I saw in the mirror. I then said that "when I look in the mirror now, I see a man that I can be proud of, not only for myself but for my kids and friends. She asked if I had been drinking. I told her I have been sober since July 7. She said "that's great". The conversation was very interesting. Totally wasn't expecting it. She was intently listening to every word I was saying. Very quiet and taking it all in. I consider this a small win. Thoughts I did notice that when she picked up our daughter after our conversation, she was smiling non stop, seemed very happy and out of the corner of my eye, I could see her staring at me while I was giving the kids a hug goodbye. I know I need to keep working on myself, continue this process. I do have a question though. Now that she has opened up the line of communication, what do I do next? Should I try approaching her in a week or two to talk again? Or not? Do I let her lead? Do I ask her on a date? Not sure how to proceed? Any suggestions would be great appreciated.
It's been awhile since I posted anything. I thought I would post an update. So after almost 4 months of not talking about the R, my wife finally decided to talk yesterday. I was in utter disbelief. She discussed some of her hurts that she is going through, said she is trying to heal but doesn't know if she will be able to. She broke down at one point and she spouted a little bit of vitriol (not much but it stung) I stayed grounded. I validated her feels and told her "I appreciate you being open and vulnerable with me. I know it's been tough on you" She was also curious about my personal progress. She said "It's seems like your doing really well". I told her that "for a long time I didn't like the man I saw in the mirror. I then said that "when I look in the mirror now, I see a man that I can be proud of, not only for myself but for my kids and friends. She asked if I had been drinking. I told her I have been sober since July 7. She said "that's great". The conversation was very interesting. Totally wasn't expecting it. She was intently listening to every word I was saying. Very quiet and taking it all in. I consider this a small win. Thoughts I did notice that when she picked up our daughter after our conversation, she was smiling non stop, seemed very happy and out of the corner of my eye, I could see her staring at me while I was giving the kids a hug goodbye. I know I need to keep working on myself, continue this process. I do have a question though. Now that she has opened up the line of communication, what do I do next? Should I try approaching her in a week or two to talk again? Or not? Do I let her lead? Do I ask her on a date? Not sure how to proceed? Any suggestions would be great appreciated.
When in doubt, do nothing. Remember, as Cadet says, doing nothing is doing something. LBSs always feel a need to act, but most actions related to the WAS are pressure and pursuit. One of the things about is LBSs is that as soon as DBing starts having an impact, we abandon it. Now is the time to double down on your DB efforts, not ease up. So continue to keep the focus off of her and onto you. GAL, keep improving, keep working on detachment. She is like a cat, you have to let her come to you on her terms. Reaching for her will send her running the other way.
Trust the process
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Tim. That was a great interaction and indication you are doing well. Based on my experience over this past year, fight the urge to ask for a date or R talk. That may be all you get from her for a while, but this is ok.
I’m glad things have improved a bit for you. I’m glad your in a better place. I knew you could do it man. Keep going with DBing! Stick to sandi’s rules. You got this
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
