Yes, I have that thought about that before. To be honest, one of my biggest fears. But like I said there is no proof at this point. I really do think that wants to work on things down the road and I feel that she wouldn't want to jeopardize the chance of recon down the road with dating around. Just my personal feeling but again, who knows
Yes, I have that thought about that before. To be honest, one of my biggest fears. But like I said there is no proof at this point. I really do think that wants to work on things down the road and I feel that she wouldn't want to jeopardize the chance of recon down the road with dating around. Just my personal feeling but again, who knows
My first sitch in 2005 my W reconnected with a Jr. High boyfriend. She thought he was the hottest thing since fire. When I discovered the EA, that was certainly headed for a PA, she immediately said she didn't want a D. She sent him a cease and desist letter, that she shared with me. However, I thought that since she wanted to work on the marriage that her EA was over.
Short story: It wasn't.
Longer story: She was saying and doing all the right things to me....but she was secretly pining for her crush, hoping he'd fight for her, hoping he'd ignore the cease and desist letter. When he didn't, she started to email him song lyrics from songs she was listening to that reminded her of him. Finally about 5 weeks in she emailed him to say she still thought about him and hoped he thought about her. He responded, and said he did think about her a lot but didn't want to cause trouble for her. (This was a lie, I had threatened to tell his W, he didn't want to cause trouble for himself.)
When I found out I finally dropped the rope completely. Told her she was free to do whatever she wanted and based on that I would make my decision about the MR. I was a different guy 6 weeks in than the guy I had been. I had discovered MWD and DBing. And I wasn't going to try to control her, or hold her against her will. But she also knew that from that point forward her choices had consequences. And the one in front of her was that I was not going sit idly by and watch her pretend to want to commit to the marriage, and still keep her little crush on the side.
The point for you is......STOP believing everything she says. Stop trying to mind read her. Stop thinking you know because you knew her so well before. The girl you married is gone. Maybe forever. You are NOT dealing with the person you knew, despite what the denial in your brain is telling you.
Last edited by Steve85; 10/09/2005:55 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wife dropped off the kids last night for an overnight....She stated she was feeling overwhelmed with everything.....She said she is exhausted and is needing a break. .... Anyways, I am wondering if I should try to help out a little bit more with the kids. Maybe take them a few extra days to give her a break?
Hi Tim,
I am not sure what your parenting arrangement is, but what is best for the kids is equal and frequent time with each parent. If you have less than the 50%, I would take the kids any time she offers. If it is significantly less that 50%, I would get a "first right of refusal" agreement in place and work toward a 50/50 agreement.
If you have equal parenting time, exceptions will happen and you both will need to be flexible. If it becomes a pattern, then seek more advice here.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I have been receiving mixed opinions on this situation......I’m totally confused
This is one of the hardest parts of DBing. Some say go left, some say go right. Some say go straight. I say stop, look left, look right, then scan all the options in between. If you typically go left and right looks scary, you probably should go right. The key is not to continue what you normally would do. Face your fear and try something new and different. These are the 180s.
Evaluate all your options, make a choice and live with the consequences of that choice, good or bad or indifferent.
Example: If you normally argue your point, STFU and listen. If you are normally quiet and dont' voice your POV, then speak up.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yes, I have that thought about that before. To be honest, one of my biggest fears. But like I said there is no proof at this point. I really do think that wants to work on things down the road and I feel that she wouldn't want to jeopardize the chance of recon down the road with dating around. Just my personal feeling but again, who knows
I will give it to you straight Tim. IMO right now she is done. A woman is not going to go out and purchase a new house if she has thoughts of reconciliation. Now, if she's not done and doesn't have another man on her mind if you get your $hit together and GAL like a madman then she will notice. If you do nothing and wait around like a little puppy dog around the table and jump at her scraps then nothing will change and she will eventually find someone else.
Steve85 says 90% of WWs will want to reconcile at some point in the future. That number seems high to me but I can tell you my friends parents reconciled after 35 years apart.
You need to get stronger Tim. One way or another this is just part of your journey.
Our sich is a little different in that we were in a home together that we couldn't afford. Prior to the separation we were planning on moving anyways. So she downsized into a home that she could afford with the kids. So I disagree that she is done. I could be wrong but my gut tells me. I also feel this way as she didn't want me to buy a house for myself. She wanted me to rent an apartment with is more of a short term situation. I am getting my $hit together. Learning, growing, going out with friends and still trying to detatch. Taking it one day at a time and waiting for her to reach out to me. Although, I made a mistake the other day when I invited her out to a patio on Friday night but she declined. Thanks for the response guys
Just a quick update. Wife called me and asked if I wanted to join her and the kids at a little restaurant near their place. It happened to be raining and she was worried the kids would get wet because they walked to the restaurant. I of course went to join them and it turned out ok. She seemed friendly enough although it was hard to talk because the kids were wanting daddy’s attention lol. She kept on thanking me for coming down as well. It was a nice time, didn’t talk about r and kept upbeat and smiled lots I dropped them off at her house and as I was leaving she said “I’m glad to know that we’ll always be able to do this” she also gave me a great big smile as I left
I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this or not but that comment. I know I should be happy because she reached out to me. But to me that comment meant “I’m glad to know that we’ll always be able to this even when we’re divorced. Again I shouldn’t be mind reading but that’s how I feel. Does anyone have any insight into this?
I disagree with LH19! She did not say "... when we're divorced." Don't add words to what she said. Take it at face value.
Also, don't overanalyze the situation. [I should be talking, that's all I did for months!] Her words might have been a bit of an ice-breaker about getting back together.
Remember, Michele talks about baby steps. That outing might have been one of them. Stick to your plan -- looking better, staying both celibate and sober, and getting a life.
Most importantly, be prepared next time with your own little comment after hers. Say she says a sincere thank you next time as well, and touches your arm like a woman does, then just take her hands and say "Anytime, just anytime" and squeeze her hand and leave. Don't overdo it, like everyone here screams about, but give some feedback to her positivity. Maybe, just maybe, she's starting to come around. Don't forget, she thought you were a lousy communicator, now would be the time to prove to her you're better.
If you do nothing and wait around like a little puppy dog around the table and jump at her scraps then nothing will change and she will eventually find someone else.
Steve85 says 90% of WWs will want to reconcile at some point in the future. That number seems high to me but I can tell you my friends parents reconciled after 35 years apart.
You need to get stronger Tim. One way or another this is just part of your journey.
Dang this is great advice. She moved out because of your weaknesses, and acting like a loyal puppy dog will get you nowhere. So getting strong is the right thing to do. Full speed ahead, Tim.
Thanks everyone. Just got a text from her. Looking for advice and wanted to run sich by everyone. She asked if I had any plans for thanksgiving tomorrow. I am suspecting she wants invite me for supper with her and the kids. What should I do?
She asked if I had any plans for thanksgiving tomorrow. I am suspecting she wants invite me for supper with her and the kids. What should I do?
Expectations. My usual response to, "Are you free on xxx?" is "Why do you ask?" The more information you have, the easier it is to make a good decision.
