So my wife dropped the bomb on July7. She asked me to find an apartment and the plan was to sell our home and for her to downsize to something smaller (we have had financial troubles over the last number of years due to this house) Unfortunatley, I agreed and I have been in an apartment since August 1. She will move into the new house with the kids this weekend. We have two kids age 9 and 4
The last couple of years have been especially difficult in our marriage and she expressed this to me before she dropped the bomb but I just didn't get it. She has been feeling alone, emotionally de tatched and distant, feels like I control her (which I do). The biggest mistake I made was I have been repeatedly dishonest with her and I have broken her trust deeply. No infidelity, but I was calling into work sick and then drinking in my car, lying about it and I came clean to her about this. She is still carrying this pain. Feel horrible and I wrote her a letter of responsibility to acknowledge my mistakes. She didn't respond to the letter. Anyways, she can't get past this pain that I have caused, I don't blame her. We still talk about the kids and business and we are cordial, but we have not spoken about the R. She has mentioned earlier on during the separation that she wants to be separated for at least a year, focus on herself and the kids. She needs time to heal. I keep on replaying in my head how I have destroyed my kids and wife's life and how I got to this point in my life. I'm trying to forgive myself but it's hard. Part of me feels that she is done but another part feels like maybe she still has hope for us(She brought a anniversary card the other day and we had a laugh about it)
I have been incorporating DB techniques throughout the last couple of weeks, However, I broke one of the rules yesterday, as I asked if she wanted to go for a walk with the dogs. She agreed, and it was nice to see her but she seemed cold when I dropped off the kids last evening. Again, no R talks. She also removed her wedding ring a couple of weeks ago. That one really hurt! And she is splitting up all or our accounts etc.. Anyways, seeking advice and encouragement. I am currently reading DR, working on myself, seeing a IC weekly. Haven't drank since she dropped the bomb, coming to terms with my childhood trauma (mom was a narcisistic abuser) and trying to stay positive about current sitch. My questions, How do I regain her trust? How do I show her that I have changed and that I am sorry about everything I have put her through if I am DB'ing. If there is a chance of reconciliation, how will I know, and do I reach out or do I let her? So many questions and I don't want to screw up my chances. Any help would be appreciated
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You posted twice within the last hour and I looked them over and I determined that one of them had to be deleted because you repeated your posting. Also, when posting, please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies.
Last edited by job; 10/03/2009:39 PM. Reason: advised of deletion of one thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I highly suggest you read Divorce Remedy. A line from Michele distinctly came to mind when reading your post:
Your smallest consistent actions will mean more than any words.
I'd say it's time for you to reassess your relationship with alcohol.
Your W brought an anniversary card and was willing to go on a walk with you. That's huge. She isn't 100% checked out IMO.
You should follow the Last Resort Technique. It's 3 easy steps: 1. Stop pursuing 2. Get a Life 3. Wait and See.
The most important thing is to detach and think with your brain and not your heart. You have to do what works, not what you want to work or hope will work. So I don't think you broke DB by asking her to go on a walk if it seemed to go OK. Just don't plan on pursuing all the time with any reasonable rate of success.
I remember the pain of the ring coming off and bank accounts being split. In retrospect, those are just things. You must be indifferent to the indifferent things in your life if you are hoping to put your heart into something meaningful.
Take of your kids, become attractive, and be consistent.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You really don't need much more than DR and what Job and Ovr posted. Be consistent. Change yourself for real. Read about attraction. Sound like you should join AA. How is work?
I say take the year she mentioned for yourself and to DB. Be ready if she approaches you but don't approach her until then, if at all.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Thanks for the reply. Yes, I have now completed DR and I plan to reread. I have been working on the alcohol problem. I have not drank for over two months. To be honest, my new apartment is right next door to a beer store. Ironic, I know. But I feel that this addiction has taken so much away from me and my family and I don't want to go back to that life. I guess you could say that this was my rock bottom.
I guess I'm a little confused as to when I should reach out and when I shouldn't. Or do I just let her reach out? I have been scouring the board to see if there has been similar stories to mine. Just for some guidance.
Also, how do I rebuild trust? I have hurt her deeply and she is in alot of pain. Is there anything specifically I can do, or is it just time and space that is needed to heal?
Thanks Mumin. Appreciate the response. Yes, I feel like being consistent and changing myself for real is what I need to do. Yes, support with the alcohol problem is needed. I speak to C every week. The problem with AA is I am a mental health nurse and I am worried that I may bump into someone I know during a meeting. Work is ok. I am going back to work tomorrow as I was off with an injury sustained by one of the patients. I job is high stress and probably contributed to the drinking.
I agree with you to take the year and DB. I am just worried that we will grow apart during that time. I am also worried that she proposed a year because that's when she could officially ask for a D (according to our province rules)
It's been a real rollercoaster around here. This is the hardest thing I have ever been confronted with
One other question I have. If my wife asks why I have not been contacting her or why I have been distant, how do I respond to this? One of the complaints she had was I was not engaged enough, that I had "checked out", and that rarely showed her affection. How do I show her these traits if I am supposed to be giving her space, time, and not pursuing?
I’m in the same boat, she told me I don’t give her enough attention or affection it feels pretty crazy to pull back 100%
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
