WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)

[SteveLW]

A mutual friend of me and my W asked this weekend if I was interested to go out on a date with someone he and his wife know, but I told him I really just need to focus on the kids right now. Considering W is dating someone already while married and very shortly after moving out, having him around...etc. the last thing they need right now is daddy to add instability to their lives and not have their undivided attention. I am sad and lonely sometimes in the evenings after the kids go to bed, but I'm trying to make sure they're my #1 priority as well as trying to follow the advice of the board members to work on myself first and avoid a "broken attracts broken" situation.

LOVE IT! Great attitude. You have the rest of your life to date, no need to jump into it now. Especially considering that you are no place to really open up and be with someone new right now anyway. Some other LBSs should read you perspective on this and realize what you already are realizing!

And the mutual friend is typical. Thinking applying the band-aid of dating someone new to the severed limb that is the end of a MR is all too common these days. The people that do that are just setting themselves up for the same issues later down the line.

[sandi2]

A mutual friend of me and my W asked this weekend if I was interested to go out on a date with someone he and his wife know, but I told him I really just need to focus on the kids right now.

Good for you!

[BL42]

Rough time at drop off last night. I turned onto W's street 4-5 mins early (i.e., not much) and OM2's truck was at her house. I felt a little panic with S5 and D2 in the car and had to make a quick decision on how to handle the situation. I did not want to drop the kids off with OM2 at the house, potentially seeing W kiss him goodbye so I kept on driving. S5 asked why we passed W's house and were going a different way. I texted W to ask "Are you going to have him leave before the kids show up?" and circled the neighborhood for awhile, then turned back and pulled up as OM2's truck was driving away. I dropped off the kids and didn't say anything to W. I don't know if she saw the text before drop off or after I left, but regardless she's now aware I know there's OM2.

W hadn't seen the kids for 5 days and had an entire week/weekend with this guy. It's not like I showed up an hour or two early. Drop off is the same time every single week. Why can't she ask him to leave 15-20mins, or god forbid a half hour earlier so the kids aren't impacted??? Why would she invite him to D2's birthday party a month ago, and have him over on nights she has the kids. It seems so inappropriate just 2-3 months after moving out. The kids don't need this right now. They need our focus and as much stability as is possible during this situation.

I was pretty worked up after that and called family and friends. Met up with two friends for a beer and talked it out and they calmed me down a bit. It just seems so selfish. Sure, I deserve more too but me aside the kids shouldn't have to deal with this. Earlier in the day S5 was sad/quiet holding back tears and I asked if he missed mommy and he nodded and said mommy is lonely when I'm not there. Of course I did not say this (the kids need to be protected, not hear me vent) but thoughts of anger flashed in my mind thinking "mommy isn't lonely - she's with another man all weekend and would rather be with him than us". I admit it hurts me too and I'm not fully detached, but the impact on the kids really burns me.

[Mumin]

You can control her BL. Shes a selfish idiot right now (maybe always was). You need to realize she wont be following your expectations or any agreements. If you read other threads you'll see this behavior is common for WW.
What did you reply to S5 in the car?

IMO it is totally OK (and frankly I suggest) for you to calm down your kids and tell them mommy is doing fine.
Tell them you dont know exactly what she is doing but assure them she is ok. Make sure to explain to them it is in no way their fault.

[BL42]

Mumin,

You can control her BL. Shes a selfish idiot right now (maybe always was). You need to realize she wont be following your expectations or any agreements. If you read other threads you'll see this behavior is common for WW.
What did you reply to S5 in the car?

IMO it is totally OK (and frankly I suggest) for you to calm down your kids and tell them mommy is doing fine.
Tell them you dont know exactly what she is doing but assure them she is ok. Make sure to explain to them it is in no way their fault.

Honestly don't remember exactly what I said to S5 - just tried to play it off and deflect a little. I certainly didn't give the detailed truth or speak ill of their mother. The whole point of driving past was to avoid them having an awkward encounter. The kids weren't necessarily worked up like I was, more like curious/confused. S5 is very smart and observant and knew something was up/different without me saying a word.

[BL42]

Hectic week. I still have S5 for 1-2hrs before and 1-2hrs after school even on my "off" weeks, both kids for dinner Wednesday night, coaching S5's soccer team Thursday, and both kids all day Friday...all on my "off" weeks. I'm fortunate to have all the "extra" time with the kids (on top of the 50/50) and wouldn't have it any other way but it does make it stressful at times with work trying to flex around it all.

On top of all that, I met with my attorney on Thursday and had to prepare financial documents. Had a parent/teacher conference for S5 on Friday, and had a consultation with another attorney on Friday afternoon (a 3rd opinion really). They all confirmed the law/state does not care who had the affair, initiated the divorce, or cares for the kids more (so long as the nights are equal), and will not step in to keep OM2 away from kids (as the board said). My attorney and the other consulted attorney said they could send a letter about it and maybe it would scare her off from having him around for now but runs the risk of her doing it even more to flaunt it (i.e., rebellious nature) or fighting harder on finances. It's almost as if the law favors the offending party at the expense of the aggrieved spouse. Totally backwards.

In terms of GAL, Friday night I met up with a buddy for pizza & wings but there wasn't a lot going on Saturday & Sunday so I was a bit sad and lonely. I just tried to stay busy clearing out the garage and basement and dividing up the Christmas decorations.

The preliminary conference for our divorce is scheduled this afternoon with the judge and our attorneys. It's mostly perfunctory; the judge schedules out dates for certain documents....etc. We'll see how it goes...

[SteveLW]

BL hang in there. Better days are ahead.

[Ready2Change]

Nice update. Good luck this afternoon.

[BL42]

The preliminary conference was yesterday afternoon. Judge, both Ls, and I were on the virtual call; W was not. Normally the parties are required to attend but they've adjusted the rules due to COVID. It was mostly logistical items. Still, I'm glad I was there because it gave me a sense for the process, the judge, and W's attorney. There were also a few issues my W raised through her lawyer in a pre-conference letter, which I had already addressed, and being there could speak to it (my L said those letters are rare and it seemed like silly issues to raise), so perhaps I came across as the more reasonable party. Judge made it clear he prefers W & I settle most of the details (E.g., holiday schedule) and wouldn't be thrilled to rule on those type of matters - 99% of cases do not go to trial. W had not yet submitted her required financial documents, even though technically they were due 10 days before the conference, so we're waiting on that, any discovery requests, and her (as the plaintiff) to make the first offer in negotiations.

Time keeps passing by. It's now 9.5 months since BD and 4.5 months since W filed for D without any signs of hesitation on her part. I still have moments of attachment (when I see her at drop off, or hear something about OM2) I need to work on but honestly think if not for the kids I'd be completely over it at this point, considering her lies and deceit this year. I know I'll be fine personally, financially, relationship-wise in the long run but still wish the kids didn't have to deal with the disruption and could grow up a loving, two-parent household.

[SteveLW]

By the way, I want to echo what sandi said to you above, related to saying no thanks to the offer to date and focusing on your kids! Well done sir, this is such a better path than trying to self-medicate with dating others. There will be plenty of time later to date. The key here is to get yourself in a better place emotionally and set yourself for future R success! Kudos to you, there are a lot of posters that have made/are making the wrong decision in this regard. As we've seen it hardly ever ends well.