C unless you think the person or relationship is hurting the children in some way.
If you go with A you put it this way "My view on TOPICx is...." and then you leave it at that. Pretty much forget about it, because you cant control it.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Thanks for responding. Looks like a unanimous "don't talk to W about it". It's just hard because I want to stand up for what's best for my kids and don't think the latest man on the scene should be introduced / spending time with him so soon.
I failed at DB'ing tonight. No, I didn't reach out to W at all but D2 came back from dinner with W's smart watch on so I snooped. The conversations were just like the ones with AP/OM1 6 months ago, only a different man/name to the texts. 100% confirmed emotional/physical affair with OM2, and apparently she's going on "double dates" with other couples I know. The most infuriating part is apparently she's sneaking him in after putting the kids to bed. What if they wake up and find mommy with another man??? S5 is already sad and angry - tearing up again today when hearing about mommy - he never used to be this way.
I know. I shouldn't have snooped. It doesn't help the situation and doesn't help me detaching - I'm riled up and shaking a bit - but had to know the full truth. At this point I recognize and accept W is not good for me anymore, but I absolutely hate what it's doing to our kids.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Thanks for responding. Looks like a unanimous "don't talk to W about it". It's just hard because I want to stand up for what's best for my kids and don't think the latest man on the scene should be introduced / spending time with him so soon.
I failed at DB'ing tonight. No, I didn't reach out to W at all but D2 came back from dinner with W's smart watch on so I snooped. The conversations were just like the ones with AP/OM1 6 months ago, only a different man/name to the texts. 100% confirmed emotional/physical affair with OM2, and apparently she's going on "double dates" with other couples I know. The most infuriating part is apparently she's sneaking him in after putting the kids to bed. What if they wake up and find mommy with another man??? S5 is already sad and angry - tearing up again today when hearing about mommy - he never used to be this way.
I know. I shouldn't have snooped. It doesn't help the situation and doesn't help me detaching - I'm riled up and shaking a bit - but had to know the full truth. At this point I recognize and accept W is not good for me anymore, but I absolutely hate what it's doing to our kids.
Unless OM is a threat to the children (registered sex offender or convicted child abuser) there isn't much you can do. She can introduce her kids to anyone she wants. Unfortunately that is how these things work. You have no control over it so stop obsessing over what you have no control over.
You just posted in my thread that you feel you are doing much better on detachment.......but this update ain't even close. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to DBing. Focus on what you can control: YOU. GAL, 180s, detachment. I'd love to see an update on how well you are doing those things.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Unless OM is a threat to the children (registered sex offender or convicted child abuser) there isn't much you can do. She can introduce her kids to anyone she wants. Unfortunately that is how these things work. You have no control over it so stop obsessing over what you have no control over.
Hard to accept, but guess I'll have to - don't think it's right to be introducing kids to another partner at this point, let alone having him over on night she has the kids.
Originally Posted by Steve85
You just posted in my thread that you feel you are doing much better on detachment.......but this update ain't even close. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to DBing. Focus on what you can control: YOU. GAL, 180s, detachment. I'd love to see an update on how well you are doing those things.
I read your post on detachment in your thread and my response meant to convey it was perfect timing for me because I recognize failing with that very aspect of DB'ing last night - just meant to tell PLC while I'm doing better over the months, I still have lows.
In terms of focusing on me, I'm trying to do house projects and getting out to do activities with friends when I don't have the kids. I've struggled finding time to exercise, and need to get better there. I'm doing my best to be there for the kids and bending over backwards to see them before/after school (even on my "off" weeks), so that's been a lot to juggle, but they need the stability and 100% focus my W isn't giving them.
Last edited by BL42; 10/28/2002:16 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I definitely made a mistake snooping last night. The opportunity presented itself and despite the warnings/rules I gave in to temptation and confirmed what I was told / strongly suspected. But now I'm hurting badly. It feels like I regressed back to 5 months ago during AP/OM1. I had made a lot of progress over the months but am hurting personally again...and also worried about the kids. At least back then the they weren't exposed to W's OM or in the same house. Guess I still have a lot of work to do.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Detaching is not easy and takes time. Steve does the majority of the posting on here and gives the impression that it is easy. If you go read his early posts he was horrible at detachment. You will have setbacks along the way. In DB you are still early in your situation. Just know that the feelings you are having will pass.
Just for the record, I never meant to give the impression, nor have I ever said that detachment is easy. It is a WiP. You have to work at it to get good at it, and to eventually get to it naturally. BL, nothing can impact your sitch more, and have a more profound effect on you as the LBS as getting good at detachment. This is why Cadet's welcome message emphasizes it. LH is right, I like many LBSs, struggled with it initially and made a lot of mistakes. When I did detachment well the impact was amazing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Again, working on this and getting better at it has an amazing effect on you as the LBS. And sometimes it can have a profound effect on your sitch. It certainly did in mine.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
