Wish I could share the picture, but I finally harvested a monster buck during bow season this year!
I had my encounter with my monster buck. Underestimated the yardage and shot under. He is a little wiser now. Passed on a little buck at 10 yards. He is wiser as well. Best part was just being out in the woods in the moment.
Agreed!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Today is the 3 year anniversary of BD. Wow, I cannot believe it has been 3 years. And I cannot believe how far things have come.
I continue to see some recurring themes on this board. Things like "IHS doesn't work". And "Most people end up D'd." Etc.
The problem is not the situation or the final outcome. It is how well and early you start to DB. I have told many of you that I remembered DBing on 12/26. I spent two days (remember, BD happened late in the day on the 23rd) making the classic mistakes of begging, moping, being sad, etc. I woke up the day after Christmas three years ago and started to research DBing methods again. I had been through another sitch 12 years earlier and that is where I was introduced to MWD. I began to find other experts that espoused similar tactics. Let her go. Drop the rope. Back off and give time and space. Detach. Make positive changes for me. Stop trying to save the MR. Go out and get a life.
So that day (the 26th) I started DBing. It wasn't perfect at first. I slipped up and broke some rules along the way, but with detachment as my #1 goal, about 6 week in I started to not emotionally react to any of the things she did and said. (The % of times I reacted went from greater than 50% to close to 0% 6 weeks in). Inside there was still turmoil, but externally I was becoming a rock! And the benefits were nearly immediate. When I stopped reacting like my world was ending I could see her really having second thoughts about her determination to get a D. Eventually even my insides remained as even as the outside!
So I am proof that IHS can work. I am proof that not everyone ends up D'd. I've also learned through my sitch and others that the earlier you start, and the faster you get proficient at DBing, the better chance of saving your marriage you have! Again, IHS, or physically separated. EA, PA or no A. The circumstances of your sitch are less important than the fact that you need to start DBing as soon as possible, and to work on getting good at it as quickly as possible.
And I cannot emphasize the importance of GAL enough. When I got really good at GAL is when I really started to detach. Anyone struggling reading this, more than likely your struggles are from not GAL well enough! So go out and get busy.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/23/2005:12 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I started to not emotionally react to any of the things she did and said. Inside there was still turmoil, but externally I was becoming a rock! And the benefits were nearly immediate. When I stopped reacting like my world was ending I could see her really having second thoughts about her determination to get a D. Eventually even my insides remained as even as the outside!
This is such an important thing to understand, especially for the men.
Say this to yourself over and over: "The first one to emotionally react, loses"
This is universal. It a test of social status. High status people have their emotions under control. It is a desirable trait.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Today is the 3 year anniversary of BD. Wow, I cannot believe it has been 3 years. And I cannot believe how far things have come.
I continue to see some recurring themes on this board. Things like "IHS doesn't work". And "Most people end up D'd." Etc.
The problem is not the situation or the final outcome. It is how well and early you start to DB. I have told many of you that I remembered DBing on 12/26. I spent two days (remember, BD happened late in the day on the 23rd) making the classic mistakes of begging, moping, being sad, etc. I woke up the day after Christmas three years ago and started to research DBing methods again. I had been through another sitch 12 years earlier and that is where I was introduced to MWD. I began to find other experts that espoused similar tactics. Let her go. Drop the rope. Back off and give time and space. Detach. Make positive changes for me. Stop trying to save the MR. Go out and get a life.
So that day (the 26th) I started DBing. It wasn't perfect at first. I slipped up and broke some rules along the way, but with detachment as my #1 goal, about 6 week in I started to not emotionally react to any of the things she did and said. (The % of times I reacted went from greater than 50% to close to 0% 6 weeks in). Inside there was still turmoil, but externally I was becoming a rock! And the benefits were nearly immediate. When I stopped reacting like my world was ending I could see her really having second thoughts about her determination to get a D. Eventually even my insides remained as even as the outside!
So I am proof that IHS can work. I am proof that not everyone ends up D'd. I've also learned through my sitch and others that the earlier you start, and the faster you get proficient at DBing, the better chance of saving your marriage you have! Again, IHS, or physically separated. EA, PA or no A. The circumstances of your sitch are less important than the fact that you need to start DBing as soon as possible, and to work on getting good at it as quickly as possible.
And I cannot emphasize the importance of GAL enough. When I got really good at GAL is when I really started to detach. Anyone struggling reading this, more than likely your struggles are from not GAL well enough! So go out and get busy.
Im glad things are going well for you, Steve. Please do NOT generalize your situation to others. And no, you are not proof that IHS works. You are proof that it worked for you and your sitch. Many posters have suffered in different ways than you. If I recall your W had a few EAs? And they were mostly with men online she gamed with? How can you generalize that to the devastation others have dealt with? She did not have full blown romantic and sexual relationships with other men that lasted a long time. And much, much worse. Please stop comparing yourself to others here because you cannot.
You spend many hours a day posting here and advising others. That is very generous of you! It’s is appreciated by all. It however, does not make you an expert. You talk (type) in a way that seems you are a self proclaimed expert because you have put so much time in. I find this concerning because when people come here they are vulnerable and might trust whatever you tell them. This site goes unregulated because the moderators have a limited role. I honestly believe you need to think more before you make these generalizations, compare others to your sitch and dish out advice. It could be harmful to people that don’t know better.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Steve I know you mean well but Blue’s right and you know I have taken issue with your comments in the past that reconciliation is harder then divorce. You’ve never had to read a note from your child that all they want is their parents to get back together.
IHS while living someone who has a real affair partner cannot be over looked and discounted. It makes it almost impossible to detach which pushes the WW further a way. No one knows for sure but if your W had a real AP and a job it might have ended differently for you. I posted a little while ago you may want to look back and see how long it took you to embrace DB and detach.
Lastly I think Thorton and Lim would tell you to knock on wood because they came back to the board stating how DB saved their marriage only get bomb dropped again.
Today is the 3 year anniversary of BD. Wow, I cannot believe it has been 3 years. And I cannot believe how far things have come.
I continue to see some recurring themes on this board. Things like "IHS doesn't work". And "Most people end up D'd." Etc.
The problem is not the situation or the final outcome. It is how well and early you start to DB. I have told many of you that I remembered DBing on 12/26. I spent two days (remember, BD happened late in the day on the 23rd) making the classic mistakes of begging, moping, being sad, etc. I woke up the day after Christmas three years ago and started to research DBing methods again. I had been through another sitch 12 years earlier and that is where I was introduced to MWD. I began to find other experts that espoused similar tactics. Let her go. Drop the rope. Back off and give time and space. Detach. Make positive changes for me. Stop trying to save the MR. Go out and get a life.
So that day (the 26th) I started DBing. It wasn't perfect at first. I slipped up and broke some rules along the way, but with detachment as my #1 goal, about 6 week in I started to not emotionally react to any of the things she did and said. (The % of times I reacted went from greater than 50% to close to 0% 6 weeks in). Inside there was still turmoil, but externally I was becoming a rock! And the benefits were nearly immediate. When I stopped reacting like my world was ending I could see her really having second thoughts about her determination to get a D. Eventually even my insides remained as even as the outside!
So I am proof that IHS can work. I am proof that not everyone ends up D'd. I've also learned through my sitch and others that the earlier you start, and the faster you get proficient at DBing, the better chance of saving your marriage you have! Again, IHS, or physically separated. EA, PA or no A. The circumstances of your sitch are less important than the fact that you need to start DBing as soon as possible, and to work on getting good at it as quickly as possible.
And I cannot emphasize the importance of GAL enough. When I got really good at GAL is when I really started to detach. Anyone struggling reading this, more than likely your struggles are from not GAL well enough! So go out and get busy.
Im glad things are going well for you, Steve. Please do NOT generalize your situation to others. And no, you are not proof that IHS works. You are proof that it worked for you and your sitch. Many posters have suffered in different ways than you. If I recall your W had a few EAs? And they were mostly with men online she gamed with? How can you generalize that to the devastation others have dealt with? She did not have full blown romantic and sexual relationships with other men that lasted a long time. And much, much worse. Please stop comparing yourself to others here because you cannot.
You spend many hours a day posting here and advising others. That is very generous of you! It’s is appreciated by all. It however, does not make you an expert. You talk (type) in a way that seems you are a self proclaimed expert because you have put so much time in. I find this concerning because when people come here they are vulnerable and might trust whatever you tell them. This site goes unregulated because the moderators have a limited role. I honestly believe you need to think more before you make these generalizations, compare others to your sitch and dish out advice. It could be harmful to people that don’t know better.
Blu
Thanks for your perspective, Blu. I understand you feel strongly, and understand why. You make good points to be considerd. Merry Christmas to you and your family!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve I know you mean well but Blue’s right and you know I have taken issue with your comments in the past that reconciliation is harder then divorce. You’ve never had to read a note from your child that all they want is their parents to get back together.
IHS while living someone who has a real affair partner cannot be over looked and discounted. It makes it almost impossible to detach which pushes the WW further a way. No one knows for sure but if your W had a real AP and a job it might have ended differently for you. I posted a little while ago you may want to look back and see how long it took you to embrace DB and detach.
Lastly I think Thorton and Lim would tell you to knock on wood because they came back to the board stating how DB saved their marriage only get bomb dropped again.
LH, been a while since that exchange. I believe I said it was more difficult to R than D in certain ways. But it really isn't a contest. Both are extremely difficult, and have their own unique challenges. You rightly pointed out that I didn't know how D felt personally because I've never been through, which I agreed was a fair point.
However, this isn't the first time you've suggested that I 'becareful' because it could happen again. I can assure you if it does the next time won't be from lack of trying on my part! The sad part to me is that I almost detect a tinge of hoping it does on your part. Regardless, I wish nothing but the best for you in the furture. I'll continue to pray for you as I do many in this forum.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
BTW, while I'm on the subject of the three year anniversary. It is also surprising to me how raw the feelings of three years ago still are. One of the things I've learned through all of this is empathy. Please know everyone reading this know that I can empathize so much with you and what you're going through. The pain is so difficult it is to the point of unbearable. Please know that no matter what happens with your marriage that it will get better. I don't want to speak for LH, but I think he'd agree with me on that much!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We all arrive here in pain. Pain is pain. I don't believe there is anyway any of us can compare the levels relative to others. I can only relate it relative to other experiences in my life.
For me, the bomb drop was the trigger to help release all of my unexpressed pain from the past. The pain from the death of each of my dogs. My brother passing away about 30 years ago. Those are the big ones.
"Marley and me" was another trigger. The pain and sadness I felt was in the same range. Just because it was a movie doesn't mean the pain I felt was not real. Can we all relate to that pain? Can we empathize?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
