You did fine. But the OM question is pertinent. If he is not out of the picture then forget it. My ex and om1 broke up 48 times by her count. I lost track after 48 mark. And gave up on her.
Indy.... you know the answer to this question. You know what you should have done. The question is Why didn't you?
Why did you set a boundary and then go back on it? Perhaps you cannot establish boundaries with your W because you cannot set the boundary on yourself. NC is hard. It exposes our weaknesses, brings our fears to the forefront.
Originally Posted by Indy470
When the call headed in the direction of discussing that and other things, she broke down and said she knows we need to talk about things but asked if we could just enjoy this time talking to each other. I didnt push.
Again Why? Why didn't you push? Why did you agree?
Be honest with yourself Indy.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Valeska, You're right. I found a way around my own boundary. I think I told myself If she was wearing her ring, saying ILY, asking about recon then OM must be out of the picture. However this was never confirmed. There was never a commitment to recon and no discussion surrounding the things that have happened.
Part of me didn't push because I genuinely felt for her in the moment. She sounded so upset and I didn't want to force it on her in that moment. I really do love this woman and despite everything I don't want to see her hurt. I just care about her alot but I guess the hard discussion are the ones that need to be had.
I found a way around my own boundary. I think I told myself If she was wearing her ring, saying ILY, asking about recon then OM must be out of the picture. However this was never confirmed. There was never a commitment to recon and no discussion surrounding the things that have happened.
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So now you know. Get up. Brush yourself off Indy. Get back on NC wagon. Can you do that? You don't need to respond to her ILY texts... just wait... see if she does what you asked. Stop trying to control the outcome.
Originally Posted by Indy470
Part of me didn't push because I genuinely felt for her in the moment. She sounded so upset and I didn't want to force it on her in that moment. I really do love this woman and despite everything I don't want to see her hurt. I just care about her alot but I guess the hard discussion are the ones that need to be had.
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I'm gonna call BS on this. Loving someone unconditionally is NOT stepping in to protect your w's hurt... that she caused btw. That's Co-Dependency. Giving her the opportunity to experience her life with her own consequences (ie: Not having you as long as she is with OM) would be loving.
Also - what about loving yourself? Did you not love yourself enough to ask the question that is so very important to you?
Can't love others until you love yourself first Indy.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I got sucked in with her bringing up recon, wedding ring, ILY’s.
I slipped up and I let myself get pulled in.
I see your point but a lot of what she said on the call was far from the friend zone. I won’t be a friend or even be around if she’s with OM and that’s the boundary I previously set.
However messed up, I broke my own boundary and I didn’t push on that because she seemed really upset. From a lot of what she said it made me believe that she’s not with OM but again I backed off and didn’t get a clear answer that I should have.
I’ve gone back to NC until I get a firm answer on that.
This sounds eerily similar to when my ex reached out and had me meet her at the Starbucks where she cried for 2 hours told me how much she missed and loved me. I also felt bad for her and let my guard down. Bottom line, she didn’t have to work to fix things with me and she ended up leaving me again.
LH, I do love her unconditionally though. I dont mean I'll be her friend while shes having an affair or be a doormat. But, I do mean I'm willing to give her space and wait for her while this plays out and see where things end up, while not giving up on her. I still love her, just from a distance right now.
LH, I do love her unconditionally though. I dont mean I'll be her friend while shes having an affair or be a doormat. But, I do mean I'm willing to give her space and wait for her while this plays out and see where things end up, while not giving up on her. I still love her, just from a distance right now.
I'm sorry Indy but you are being a doormat. You are just too new at this to realize it. Once you get through this and get to the other side you you will never allow someone to treat you this way again. Even if she were to comeback tomorrow she would walk again down the road because she doesn't see you as a person of value. I know that stings but it is the truth. This stuff is hard for sure and solid DBing is not easy. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes that I want you to read until you really understand it. "You can ignore reality but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality".
