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BB205 Offline OP
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I asked him to do MC or IC. no way.. I have started IC for me. I find it not really helpful. we need MC. As much as he hates the thought. In the past, many years ago, he was called a bully by the the counselor , and he is hesitant to continue any counseling
He is a bully to our kids and me
The crazy thing is, he has always been so perfect, the perfect son, the perfect husband and has done the job perfectly ... but he is a cheater and a liar so I hate him. this is not what I signed up for 40 years ago. Happy Anniversary to me. I hate him.



Last edited by BB205; 09/03/20 02:41 AM.
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Originally Posted by BB205
I asked him to do MC or IC. no way.. I have started IC for me. I find it not really helpful. we need MC. As much as he hates the thought. In the past, many years ago, he was called a bully by the the counselor , and he is hesitant to continue any counseling


IC takes a little bit to get started but it works... if you work it. How do you feel about him saying no to counseling?


Originally Posted by BB205
He is a bully to our kids and me

This is scary. What boundaries to you have in place to stop this?


Originally Posted by BB205
The crazy thing is, he has always been so perfect, the perfect son, the perfect husband and has done the job perfectly ... but he is a cheater and a liar so I hate him. this is not what I signed up for 40 years ago. Happy Anniversary to me. I hate him.


No one is perfect. Especially one who bullies his wife and children.

You said you didn't know what actions to take. Ask yourself this. What does a happy marriage look like to you? Do you want to feel safe in your marriage? Well what does that look like?

Or maybe you want to have trust in your marriage? What would that look like?

These are great questions to explore with your IC btw. Perhaps this IC may not be a good fit for you (I don't know) but I can certainly say that IC can help you start thinking about what YOU need in order for this marriage to work for YOU.

Once you determine that - you can ask H to help. He can say yes, no, or maybe negotiate an alternative but know that whatever he decides is info for you on what he is willing to do to reconcile...

Wearing a ring does NOT equal real change. Being kinder... is something he should do in the first place. I'm not saying to not put value to these things... but do not give them more value than they deserve.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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My Opinion:

Your H should be jumping through hoops to keep you. He cheated and lied to you. He manipulates you.


These "hoops" are your non-negotiable "What will it take for you to forgive me" actions he needs to do to make you feel safe in your relationship.

Only you can decided what those are. You can take suggestions from this website and posters.

These have worked for others. You can use them as an idea of what you want:


1) No future contact with Affair partner
2) Full transparency - (You have full access to all electronic devices and all passwords)
3) MC
4) Answers any questions you have about any details of the Affair.


It is best that you do not tell him this list. Make him work to come up with ideas....ie:

H:"Will you ever forgive me?"
W:"I am not sure. I want to trust you. How can you prove to me you are telling me the truth?"
H:"Bla bla bla"
W:"That is a good start, but I am not sure that will do it. How about you think about it for a few days and get back to me."



Finding a good IC takes work. Kinda like dating, if this one isn't helping, start interviewing for a better one.



I wish you well.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

My Opinion:

Your H should be jumping through hoops to keep you. He cheated and lied to you. He manipulates you.


These "hoops" are your non-negotiable "What will it take for you to forgive me" actions he needs to do to make you feel safe in your relationship.

Only you can decided what those are. You can take suggestions from this website and posters.

These have worked for others. You can use them as an idea of what you want:


1) No future contact with Affair partner
2) Full transparency - (You have full access to all electronic devices and all passwords)
3) MC
4) Answers any questions you have about any details of the Affair.


It is best that you do not tell him this list. Make him work to come up with ideas....ie:

H:"Will you ever forgive me?"
W:"I am not sure. I want to trust you. How can you prove to me you are telling me the truth?"
H:"Bla bla bla"
W:"That is a good start, but I am not sure that will do it. How about you think about it for a few days and get back to me."



Finding a good IC takes work. Kinda like dating, if this one isn't helping, start interviewing for a better one.



I wish you well.





I agree with RC, but I do want to say be careful with #4. #4, while it sounds like it might help, can be extremely painful for you. What I encourage is for you to decide whether or not an affair is a dealbreaker for you. Most LBS that get cheated on go into FIGHT mode. The other option is flight. No one would blame you for saying "I cannot see myself ever trusting this person again, so I am moving on from them." It is a valid option. To me the one valid reason for D is an unfaithful spouse.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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