Journey of me and H Part 1

[PLC]

Update, it is almost 10:00 pm here and I have not heard from him. I mentioned to D25 that I thought he went out of town since the work truck was here, and she didn’t even realize. I would have thought he would tell her when he’d be back considering she sleeps in the living room and I am sure was awakened when he left.

I have made plans for tomorrow. Nothing exciting, but nice to look forward to something.

[DnJ]

Good Morning PLC

I didn’t see your post that was two minutes before mine, until this morning.

Yes, remain dark unless there is an emergency. In three years, there has never been anything I needed to reach out to tell XW.

If he was leaving for good, he left A LOT of stuff I know he values. So this is just a vacation.

Expectations.

You’d be surprised at what a person in crisis deems valuable and deems worthless.

If he was leaving for good, he left A LOT of stuff I know he values. So this is just a vacation.

Maybe that’s better. What do think?

So, is there any negative to me not asking when he will be home and if not, any behavior I should exhibit when [he] does come back?

First off, remember MLC will run its course, it has too.

I think your idea of are there any negatives from not asking is coming from a place where you feel you can alter his course somewhat.

Treat him like a roommate. He left without telling you anything. If he wanted you to know, he should have told you, or would have told you.

If his time away is for a long period, his contributions to the household bills and joint expenses may get into the arrears. If/when that is starting to happen then text him stating he need to deposit $x for bills. Other than that, stay silent. And GAL. I do believe your finically situation is rather stable and H’s money is directly deposited so this is most likely a nonissue for a while.

If there is, what should I NOT do? I can be very sarcastic at times and my instinct upon return is to make some snarky comment. So this is why I need to know how to approach.

Lol. Sarcasm is not a good idea. That may feel good for a bit, and will end in regret.

If he does not contact me, I wonder how it will be when he does come home. I wonder if he expects me to say something? 180 would be that I don't.

Do that 180. Say little. And definitely no snarky comments. Kind and cordial. This may be a bit of an act, at first. The real thing you are after is you were doing stuff, GAL, living, and not missing and sitting around for him. His return should be little more than - Oh, Hi H.

He is in a mixed up and confused place right now. Desperately seeking relief from unrelenting feeling and emotions. Hopefully he realizes, no matter how far and fast you run - there you are. He cannot escape himself.

The heart of standing and healing: Removing your focus from your spouse as they do what they are driven to do. While living your life, fully, happily, and honourably.

Enjoy your plans for today. Spend time with D25.

Focus on you.

D

[PLC]

Thank you Dnj

Well, I made it through the whole day without contacting him and not hearing from him.

I thought about your comment that when a MLCer leave, you’d be surprised at what they leave. So let’s say this,if he left all of this, I was left a lot of value.

I do have one comment that scares me, you mentioned eventually the MLC has to end and I know my goal is to stand longer than the MLC. But this little voice inside wonders if he really wasn’t happy married to me and he won’t ever end this journey. I understand I would have to make the decision to no longer stand, but I am sure I am not the only one that wonders this. Can we have misdiagnosed MLC?

PLC

[Sage4]

I do have one comment that scares me, you mentioned eventually the MLC has to end and I know my goal is to stand longer than the MLC. But this little voice inside wonders if he really wasn’t happy married to me and he won’t ever end this journey. I understand I would have to make the decision to no longer stand, but I am sure I am not the only one that wonders this. Can we have misdiagnosed MLC?

PLC, you are decidedly NOT the only one to ponder this. I have run my little mind in circles pondering exactly this question. And I am no further along in my journey than you are, but I have this recent realization to share: at some point it just won't matter.

This journey is about YOU, not about H. At some point in YOUR journey, you will say to yourself 'you know what? I don't deserve to be treated like this... it doesn't work for me any longer. I don't want to subject myself to this kind of treatment and I want to release myself from these questions now.' OR you will say 'hey, this love and history we had was REAL. H is a lost little boy (enter whatever non-patronizing adjectives work for you here) right now and I am going to have love and compassion and carry on as best I can, knowing it is not about me.'

No judgement for whatever path feels most authentic to you. But whatever path you choose, please remember that you are wonderful and worthy.

(((PLC)))

[PLC]

Thank you Sage!

Lost little boy sounds right.

I guess since I am thinking and wondering where his thoughts are regarding me, I need to drop the rope more.

You are right, this is my journey. He may have set me upon this path, but I am the one on the path and I am the one making those decisions.

I do wonder if he is coming home today to go to work tomorrow, or if maybe he took a week off of work (he has a lot of vacation time) or if he is not planning on coming home. I even looked at his fake social media profile and nothing there I can see.

So I have the whole day ahead of me and it is for me. I need to push thoughts of him out of my head and keep on moving forward.

I hope you have a good day.

PLC

[peacetoday]

PLC

It is hard to let go, you are doing well and with every passing day, you are stronger
more grounded and with more clarity

Because MLC usually is a long road, we have to continue on
gal, hobbies, friends, spiritual stuff ( I know-u know all this )
finding things that we enjoy and let go of them
hard I know-living for today but planning for tomorrow

As for the end of MLC...I think it is different for each of us
We see clues, we see H choices, we heal and let go more
then the time does seem to come for most of us
either the MLCer makes attempt at reconciliation and returns
or
a D is filed...some people get back together after D
and
sometimes it is us... we just dont want to be here any longer..
we move on


Depending on the damage the MLC does to himself...some begin destructive affairs, get in debt, get into drugs/alcohol
lose jobs, get sick and then all these issues have to be addressed as well
they dont always get out of MLC the same...they create more baggage

only in time will you know the outcome
living in some amount of uncertainty ..

.life asks that of us and doing our best to continue with our growth

This way you teach your D how to take care of herself, we have no regrets for our M because we know how we tried to work it out and we set ourselves up for the best possible future
whichever way it goes

[PLC]

Thank you PT,

You are right.

I always seem to have my doubts mostly on the weekend. With H who knows where, it makes me more confident because I need to rely on me only.

I will get there eventually. This is up to me.

PLC

[DnJ]

Hello PLC

I do have one comment that scares me, you mentioned eventually the MLC has to end and I know my goal is to stand longer than the MLC. But this little voice inside wonders if he really wasn’t happy married to me and he won’t ever end this journey. I understand I would have to make the decision to no longer stand, but I am sure I am not the only one that wonders this. Can we have misdiagnosed MLC?

Both Sage and peace are correct. You are on your journey and H is on his.

The diagnosis of MLC is not something one can be 100% assured of; it’s not like a blood test would show it, not that our spouses would submit to such a thing. MLC, WAS, etc. matters little. Your path is your path.

My previous comment about standing and outlasting MLC, I thought might cause some concern. Sorry about that.

Nothing about MLC, or life for that matter, is guaranteed. The person in crisis might become whole and healed, or they might never exit their fantasy world, forever tumbling down the rabbit hole. They could also exit and not be able to, or want to, face what they’ve done, choosing their life such as it is; too old and tired of running, resigned to their less than happy, consequence filled life.

And there is the LBS’ path. How long does one stand? How long does one “try” to outlast this? How long does one hope? And so on. These are question all of us grapple with.

Standing for you is at the crux of outlasting this. When you stand for you, then it is only you that needs to reinforce your desire to stand. Standing is not contingent upon the behaviour of H. It is also only you that would end your stand, not H, or friends, or family, or whatever.

Trying to outlast MLC: There is no try. Do, or do not, outlast. It’s a mindset. Granted the end date of MLC, if it happens, is not in your control. However, your “doing” is within your control. Trying almost predisposed one for failure.

Outlasting MLC, may not be in the “we are reconciled” form. We get passed all this mess. We regain our lives. We find and live our beliefs. We heal. Reconciliation is a bonus, not the goal. The goal of this “game” is you, and how you “play” matters a lot.

You can stand, and far longer than you feel is possible. I know the voice of doubt you hear - maybe my spouse actually wasn’t happily married to me. And perhaps they won’t ever resolve their MLC. I would be standing all that time for nothing.

Standing is for you!

My stand is just a way of life right now. XW and I don’t talk or communicate. She is still living with OM. I am happy and living my life.

Standing at its most basic - don’t date. I remain kind and cordial on those rare occasion where her and I did communicate - graduation and such. I have compassion, understanding, and found forgiveness. So, basically be kind, lead a good life, and don’t date.

Lots of people post divorce choose not to date. Standing has another competent - I realize I would be willing to explore if XW and I have any spark left. If her and I had any passion or desire left. I am currently willing to date her, if/when she were to exit her messed up world.

That doesn’t change a whole lot in my day to day activities of life. If she never exits her tunnel, I’ve lived as a single guy. I won’t/don’t consider that lost or wasted time.

Standing down: One realizes they would not be, or currently are not, willing to date or explore the possibility of a spark with their ex spouse.

Your goal of standing longer than MLC - I have the same one. Paradoxically to achieve this, one doesn’t focus on the goal; outlasting becomes an emergent effect of standing for you.

D

[PLC]

Dnj,

Thank you. I wasn't concerened about standing longer than MLC, I was concerned that I, would be "Standing for nothing" You got me.

You understand what I am feeling as well as you explained the definition of standing and how it can take many forms in the end game.

During these last 17 months, I have come so far. I thought I was "independent" a few months after, and now I see how this situation has really changed me and how I choose to stand. It is a lot more than I thought I could handle.

H still is not home. It is a little after 4:00 pm here. I can tell he has been looking at social media, so I don't know if he is on his way home or if he just had a break and thought to look and see what is going on. Not knowing has been a bit freeing as since I don't know, I am doing my own thing and he is not in the back of my mind as, "I wonder if he will want to eat when I cook" I wonder.... (Fill in the blank)

I can't do things even with him in mind since who knows if or when he will be back? So this is an interesting development for me.

I just want you, Peacetoday and sage and any others that have chimed in on this latest wrinkle to know how helpful this all is.

PLC

[Gerda]

During these last 17 months, I have come so far. I thought I was "independent" a few months after, and now I see how this situation has really changed me and how I choose to stand. It is a lot more than I thought I could handle.

H still is not home. It is a little after 4:00 pm here. I can tell he has been looking at social media, so I don't know if he is on his way home or if he just had a break and thought to look and see what is going on. Not knowing has been a bit freeing as since I don't know, I am doing my own thing and he is not in the back of my mind as, "I wonder if he will want to eat when I cook" I wonder.... (Fill in the blank)

I can't do things even with him in mind since who knows if or when he will be back? So this is an interesting development for me.

It is so hard for the old-timers to convince you of how to adjust your mind. I think it's right that you have to figure it out by walking it. Glad you are learning in just 17 months. It took me about 6 years.

The main thing is this -- if you can imagine that you don't have a husband anymore, that you have split up, and that you have forgiven him and would consider taking him back if that day ever came, but it is nowhere near coming now, if you could do that and figure out a new meaning for your life that truly doesn't consider what he is doing, thinking, saying, eating, etc., that is the key to standing. Standing means that you don't shut the door if H ever came back. But PLC, he is GONE. There is no point in noticing what he does/says/thinks/eats, and doing that will be perceived by him in the opposite way you want. But most importantly, it will keep your heart and mind so raw that you will have trouble healing. The goal of no-contact is not to punish your H. It's to give you the space to heal.